UWMCCFC vs Gosford United

After an intraclub battle last week for UWMCC, UWMCCFC were pleasantly surprised to see the fresh face of Michael Kynaston, leading his barmy army of freshers known as Gosford United. Ed Cooper, having put in a big shift over the previous week learning how to kick a ball, was making his full debut in UWMCCFC colours, promising to give “100 percent” for Matty van Howe. Despite the £200 team entry for UWMCCFC this year, the game was left referee-less, our hard earned money clearly being spent on the tea and biscuit fund for the Warwick sport officers after a job well done. UWMCCFC’s only sub (van Howe) refused to referee based on fitness concerns, citing the inability to run around for 60 minutes – “if I wanted to run for 60 minutes I’d bring myself on to play!”

The game began as a scrappy affair, both teams struggling to get the ball down and play total/proper/sexy football. It was reminiscent of the stalemate between a Pulis and an Allardyce side. However, with only one lanky Gosford striker, UWMCCFC began to settle down as the back four were given plenty of time at the back, and actually began to play some free-flowing football. The tiki-taka football around the opposition’s box looked pretty but was seeming unfruitful. Gosford roared into a 1-0 lead after one of their many corners. The irony being that this was actually the one corner won by a UWMCCFC player, as Jewson’s header ballooned up in the air to fresher Jaimin Patel. Patel’s eyes lit up, and in Gerard Butler style roared “stop this you Social Sec twat!” before hitting a pure volley that snuck underneath a sprawling Kraus, who was clearly shocked by the notion of actually having a shot on target for once. Kraus has promised retribution for Jaimin’s actions.

UWMCCFC had several chances throughout the first half, Hall, desperate to get his name on the score sheet after a long dry spell, inexplicably missing the ball from close range, Danny Welbeck style, in line with the penalty box. David hit the post after some good wing-work from Beauclerk, and Gould managed to miss the goal completely from 5 yards from a low Sam Platt corner (cue Hall screaming ‘Gouldy?!’). It was at this point that manager/side-line ref/super sub Matty Van Howe called for half time refreshments.

After a few comments on our shit set piece defending, and how we missed Povey (RIP), UWMCCFC were ready to roar back into action. The second half proceeded to contain some of the most glorious football played by the UWMCCFC, Gould, clearly eager not to let down his number one fan Jonny Hall, proceeded to play the sort of half a Pirlo/Zidane hybrid would’ve been proud of. Beauclerk was sublime down the wing, clearly having had a few chats with Alexis Sanchez and Nobby Solano during his time in South America. Suddenly it was a question of when the UWMCCFC would schlott one in, and the floodgates were opened after a Gould header from a Splatt corner.

What proceeded was an attacking display that the topical Ched Evans would have approved of, as we proceeded to send wave after wave of attack to the Gosford goal. Nobby Beauclerk soon made it 2-1 after a nifty dribble down the right wing followed by a speared finish through the Gosford Goalie, a fine goal by anyone’s standard. The back 4 remained resolute, especially with Cooper now having figured out how to man mark, so that Gosford had to resort to underhand tactics such as beginning play without our players on the pitch, cue the remark “You cheating scumbags!” from Jonny Hall. With the end of the game approaching, and Compton arriving to see the superior performance on show, Kraus launched a Neuer-esque Howitzer kick, evading the entire defence and setting up Livesy, who schlotted across the box, only to see the hapless fresher Kynaston turn it into his own net. Matty Van Howe was clearly gutted not receive his 4 yard tap in after a storming back post run. A few minutes later there was some glorious interchange on the edge of the box between Gould and Livesy, followed by a sweeping finish into the bottom corner by Gould. If Alan Partridge had been commentating he definitely would’ve exclaimed “Twat! That’s a goooooaaaal!”

Thankfully for Gosford, newly allocated timekeeper Adeel called for full time soon after, and they could slump away to consider the punishing they had received in the second half. A very good win for the UWMCCFC who look to march on and keep up our good run of form next week.

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