UWMCC v Binley Woods

A wet and wild day on campus, a tough day for those campaigning for SU sabbatical positions. But there was a tougher task ahead for 5 clubman and captain Murphy as they would go to the fabled Connexion arena one last time for some pride for the victory that had deserted them in 2017. The bookies had already given the match to UWMCC with the unfancied Binley Wood, to be the opposition for the last game. Murphy strode over to the sports centre with confidence, what could possibly go wrong?

News broke that whoppers at Warwick Sport had yet again cocked up the minibus, with no vehicle available that Murphy could drive, despite showing the stupid bloke on the front desk clear evidence of the booking. Then unannounced, when all had thought emergency keeper George Ballington had sorted his shit out, it turns out he hadn’t, and was still in leamington after a heavy Kasbah. This meant UWMCC would only have 5 players for this crucial redemption game. Finally two smaller vehicles were found, which meant Murphy took the wheel of the powerful Ford S-Max, and spare driver Tim in charge of a Fiesta, which was probably illegal too. The keyless start flummoxed a already distressed Murphy who broke his stalless Cov Indoor record with 3 stalls, despite the S-Max having more extras than a Jeremy Roach dinner. Murphy insisting on testing all the features, especially if there was a safety feature to stop him breaking the speed limit which somehow the car knew, showed what a dreadful job Chris Evans did on top gear with a superb car review. The warwick sport cock up meant arriving late, with a man down and less practice time, and for the first time ever were thrust into bowl.

Despite a lack of fielders, three tight overs at the start from Curtis and Murphy meant only 20 runs came. The change to spin was hoped to have the same affect as last week when crucial wickets were taken, however this wasn’t to be with crafty Asian batsman all over our rather gash full tosses. Tim’s sharpness behind the stumps, as ’emergency’ emergency keeper got him a stumping and a run out despite our bowling, although the lack of a 6th fielder hurt the ability to stop us leaking runs. This began to feel like 4 players, with Ash having the urgency of a sloth in treacle, letting a catch slip through his hands for 4 and constant fumbles. Murphy and Curtis bought it back in the end walking off at 97-5. Or so we thought. Brought back on for one ball the umpire missed, Murphy lost his bottle, bowling a wide then a dog shit delivery which meant 8 off the last ball, giving Binley a psychological blow and a score of 105.

This was still within our grasp though, a team that has scored more against much better opposition. A series of wides gave us confidence early doors, which was definitely misplaced. The new indoor pink ball started to show movement, showing the obvious disadvantages that will presumably affect the leather day/night test cricket ball. Samay who had been dreary with ball was bowed through the gate while Tim undid all his good keeping, chipping straight to mid on. The two men who you don’t want walking in here are Ash and Murphy but that is what UWMCC were left with. (Curtis was still in at 5 but he’s even more gash at batting, being clean bowled for a golden duck later on.) Some runs began to flow, before Ash was unlucky to be run out by Murphy in a hit and your out situation with the scoreboard pressure mounting. With Curtis’ aforementioned failure with the bat, and Murphy turning down the kind offer of a rogue Asian helping to bat with him, it was all up to the captain to win the game. With 44 needed off 23 balls, this seemed a mammoth task, and credit to good field placement from the opposition preventing Murphy’s favourite cut into the corner. The captain even survived being bowled as the bails remained on, Ladbrokes would’ve put greater odds on this comeback than Leicester to win the title. Much like Leicester though, this was UWMCCs second ‘season’ under Murphy, which meant there was too be no last hurrah being run out with the score on 81. Murphy should probably also be sacked for this like Ranieri too, losing every single game in 2017, a point later blamed on Curtis for being involved from the turn of the year.

A distraught Captain and squad were brought back to Tesco, and as if the day couldn’t get any worse, the bakery reduced section was nowhere to be seen, which meant the boys couldn’t even console themselves as with a half price pie. Fix You, on the new Bluetooth system, was the only appropriate music choice and Ash proved just how unobservant he really is by leaving the door open getting back in the car. This can only go down as an utter shit show for those involved.

A summary of the game and season for the boys then:

Ash, Ballo: too much shit to sort out, not enough time left on Earth to achieve it in.

Tim: converted from his debut 33*, to an indoor bowler-keeper-driver (not the batting kind either).

Samay: still can’t bowl spin, forgetting to bat as well.

Curtis: Bowling impressive, batting leaving a sour taste in the mouth. Blamed on being distracted by not finding a box for his own large piece of willow.

Murphy: one word, begins with un, ends with able, and has bear in the middle.