Match Report: Shit XI vs Northern Cricket Academy

Like Tom, I captained a game and tour and we got rolled (shock).A tough day out (and presumably a mix-up from the tour company) saw the Shit XI lose by 300+ runs against the best club side in Barbados.

We arrived at the Franklyn Stephenson Academy, on a scorching day, with high hopes; as we’d been told by Laurie Bilton that this was our best chance at winning a game on tour. As many of the team we’re feeling the affects of the night before, I pleaded with the opposition captain to let us bat first. Unfortunately he insisted on doing a toss, which we lost and bowled first.

Rishi Barve and Dan Tennant opened the bowling and actually bowled quite well, both beating the bat and hitting some great areas. This build up of pressure meant both openers gave up chances to our inept slip cordon, but to no-ones surprise these went down. Our first wicket somehow followed shortly after from Dan Tennant, but any newfound confidence disappeared quickly when the new batsman and other opener starting hitting the ball everywhere. Both sooned past 50 and showed no signs of slowing down. I then turned to the spin bowling of Sachin Balaji but it was to no avail as the runs kept coming. Much like Tom Adams playing up front for UWMCCFC and Tan at a performance session, we felt seriously out of our depth as every bowler I turned to was whacked around the park. We didn’t help ourselves though as a number of chances went down.

In the meantime however, Dan Tennant had given up fielding temporarily to chun in the woods next to the pitch.

In a later stroke of genius, I gave the ball to Aditya Gangwani to slow the run rate, who then went for 30 from one over. By this point the number 3 had retired on 160*, the number 4 had even got his ton as well and Sachin Balaji was hit for one of the biggest sixes I’ve ever seen. Our resident make-a-wish kid Kam Sidhu then showed us all how to bowl though as he took a wicket in the last over of the innings as they finished on 467-4.

Our innings started exactly as you’d expect with Tom Adams getting cleaned up second ball. Other opener Neil Bhattacharya departed shortly after, falling just 99 runs short of a century meaning James Clarke joined Anuman Goel at the crease with 460 runs still to get. After some gorgeous drives, Anuman unfortunately was soon back in the shed, after Nick ing off, and I then joined James in the middle to survive a hostile spell from the opening bowlers. Both of whom bowled serious pace and were only interested in bowling bouncers.

After digging in and seeing off the openers, we both looked to cash in on the first change bowlers. We were unsuccessful in doing so and both got out playing loose shots. A flurry of wickets followed with Rishi, Sachin, Tennant and Adi getting out in quick succession. Kam Sidhu, after refusing to bat, then roped in one of the oppo to bat at 11 for us. He turned out to be a gun and whacked 4 sixes before skying one as we were bowled out for 120.

The mood in camp was one of disappointment, made even worse when we learnt, whilst chatting after the game, that they had reversed their batting order and one of their opening bowlers wasn’t even trying. Much like men’s hockey in a boat race, we never really stood a chance. Despite our efforts though we’d not won our battles and ultimately had shown all the game awareness of Kam Sidhu on a catamaran cruise with an open bar.In what can only be described as: a game of cricket, we’d lost comprehensive lee but had a great day nonetheless.

See you in CR2

Ben x (Loser of Bets, Tactical fouler, Dickhead)