Days 1&2 – Here we go

8AM – 22 clubmen wake up in the wider Warwickshire area
Passports – checked
Bats – packed
Flight numbers – sent to mums
Excitement – building
10AM – the set meet time for Leam Station
All Leam abiding clubman – assembled on time
Bags – ambled up to the platform
Train – pulling in
Excitement – building
Carriage doors – are open
My pants – are wet
Boys – hit their first travel hurdle
General public – unhappy to see 20 boys bundling through with kit
One woman – blocking the doors to her carriage
Clubman – eager to get away from these hostilities
Train – pulling out of Leam and heading to Cov
Cov – The set rendezvous for our overseas gun
Ojas – showing his eagerness for tour just hours earlier with a full kit insta story
Ojas – also very hungover
Ojas – choosing to enjoy the nightlife of the 2021 city of culture until 5AM
Ojas – in a world of trouble
Ojas – Nojas
The trouble – set to increase
As the train – pulls into Cov
Disaster – strikes
Ojas – stood on platform 2 instead of 3
Kind member of the public – ‘Isn’t that one of your lot over there’
20 faces – turn in unison
Ojas – looking absent as fuck (AF)
Krish, Joe and Rav – banging aggressively on the window
Ojas – finally awakening
WMG’s finest circler – runs like the wind
Bags – bashing around the concrete concourse like Owen’s tits at the half marathon
Ojas – makes it onto the train before collapsing
Birmingham airport – the scene for takeoff
Qatar airways desk 69 – reserved for the boys
69 – lads lads lads
Natural airport patter – seeing the boys compare passport photos
Fraser, with his parents in earshot – ‘Try not to cum challenge’
Fraser – showing himself to be the one to watch on tour
Meanwhile – awkward looks are being shared at the front desk
Birdy – 6kg over
Olly – not far off
Desk attendant – showing no mercy
Ravi – striking a deal
The deal – if the average of all clubmen is sub 30 then we can all pass without a fine
Ravi – un-roaching himself with every move he makes
A tense five mins ensues – with Bird sat by the weight desk
Every man with a kilo under 30 – gets a wry smile from the usually grumpy Birdy
The average – still looks ominous however
Cometh the hour – cometh the man
SJ – clocking in at a cool 16KG
The overweighters – saved at the death
Birdy – smiling for the first time since he found out he made performance
Ridge – overjoyed the situation has been resolved as he can now get to spoons
Ridge – loves spoons more than fresher Owen
Ridge – leading the boys to spoons
Hoping for – cheap pints and microwaved burgers
The boys received – airport prices and microwaved burgers
Food – smashed
Warm up pints – completed
The magical walk to the gate – begins
Just as the boys begin walking – a mysterious figure appears
‘Hi Joe’ – the mystery man bellows
what follows – is an awkward discussion between Joe and Mr. Mystery
The fresh – have only heard tales about this man
Rumours – the guy is seen round campus adorned in Chino’s and a leather jacket
Often spotted – in Ramphal chatting in French
Some say – he is the most well travelled bloke in history
A man – who got a third in intro to pol
A man – who does what he wants
A guy – who is prepared to say no to the man
Providing the man is – Jeremy Roach
Mr Mystery – is Edouard Fox
Joe – making his excuses as quickly as possible
The eventful 400m walk – continues
Ojas – collaring Jede for a photo shoot
The photoshoot – requiring Jede to walk slowly towards Ojas while he makes a series of poses
Ojas – Oyaaas
Post photoshoot – boarding begins
Once sat – everyone’s minds turn to one thing
Free – booze
The agenda – everyone smashes 6 bevs before Doha
Plane – airbound
Seatbelt sign – turned off
‘Can I have a whiskey and coke please’ – Sohil starting strong
Joe – being rejected for Gin on one aisle – but receiving it on the over aisle
Joe – coming up with a killer plan
Nib a beverage from one aisle – then get served on the other
Clubmen – expecting minitures instead of handpoured bevs
Qatar airways – opting for the agricultural handpoured methods
Measurements – freehand
Doubles? – naa Triples
Qatar – alphaing all the boys
‘Do your 6 drinks now pricks’ – the airline CEO (probably)
Worries set in – will the boys be smashed in the teetotal capital of the world
Answer – most certainly
Danger Doha – in play
Shiv – in a world of trouble
Randall – paying the price for smashing his 6 in record timing
Olly and Dec – smashing the shit out of the frog eating lizard game
The game – deemed to be difficult
The boys – pushed through and finished all 15 levels sent af
Once completed – the boys got more sent in celebration
Randall, KP and Ridge – smashing the shit out of the BTEC golf game
Owen and Rory – engaging in series of deep discussions
Ridge – telling anyone that will listen his plan for better refereeing across the UK
Ridge’s Schlieffen plan – send more money to the grassroots
Arrival in Doha – immenent
Sesh levels – medium, medium to strong
Plane – emptied
Boys – clueless as to where to go
Marble hallway and bright lights – follow marble hallways and bright lights
Tired and drunk eyes – let them all blur into one
Ridge – disappearing for a massive shit
Delay – inconsequential
Elsewhere – Jinesh has gone on the missing list
Jinesh – off for a crafty complimentary fill-up
Jinesh – a man of many connections
From Neon tickets – to a Qatar airways reward card
The reward card – allowing Jinesh access to some free bevs and classy finger buffet
Finger buffet in question – sandwiches not the post pop kind
Everyone else – sat at the new gate
Many – sat open jawed in awe of the grandeur of Doha airport
Trains – inside the airport almost helping the boys forget they are in a repressive state
Jinesh – reappears
The plane – also in town
The boys – wisely separated on the second leg
Fraser – “People told me Doha was all about sand and I haven’t seen any… 3/10”
Fraser – clearly from the Rhino school of reviews
The flight to Colombo – uneventful
Much needed sleep – being taken on
Lack of legroom – leading to some rogue sleeping positions
Crouching tiger – sleeping clubman
5 long hours later, and 4 loops round Colombo – the plane lands
Joe – Clapping with real zeal
Krish – threatening to file for divorce
Jinesh – zooming straight through security with his premium status
Rest of the boys – left to queue
Some – worrying about the danger visa
Ridge, Olly and Krish – all paying over the odds for potentially fake visas
Luckily – SL visa staff don’t give a shit
The visa – merely 35 sweet English pounds to the SL government
Visas – passed
Bags – collected
Search for the coach – on
Krish – immediately overtaking Rav to find the tour guide
This is not – a coup
Sign – located
Sign – gun featuring name of the club and badge
Floral necklaces – doled out
Bags – unloaded
Legends – sitting at the back
Tour guide Travis – steps up with a mic
Travis – looking ready to either deliver a best man speech
Or – bang out some Adele
Unlikely to – spit some bars
Even less chance – of some stand up comedy
Travis – letting us know we’re gonna have a good time before sheepishly sitting down
Travis – nervous af, but the boys warm to him
Following the speech – Sohil winds up the speaker
Tunanis – blazing non stop including the mighty Diljit
Arrival at OZO hotel – gun AF
Ravi –fucking nailing it securing a rooftop pool, decent rooms and killer views
Ravi – rocking an absolute tent in his pants at this point
Many – opting for a quick pre training meal on the rooftop
Chicken wings – gun
Pizza and Club sandwiches – decent
Service – erratic and bordering on retarded
Dec – charged for 5 people’s meals
Many – avoiding charge what so ever
Paying debacle – leading to lateness to nets for many
Net session – opened by a speech from Krish
Mentions of bananas – 0
Mentions of spin – 34566899
Nets – surrounded by stray dogs
Stray dogs – probably pushing 3s this season
Across the field – Young Sri Lankan guns can be seen netting
An omnious sign – for what is to follow
Ridge – bowling both seam and offies
Ojas – bowling every other ball in a 15 person net
Joey – getting some solid bounce
KP – really enjoying sawing development players in half
Post training – back on Travis’s mighty tour bus
Many – stopping off to change money
Exchange rate – £4.20 = 1000 Rupees
Bus back – hosting fines session
Joe – finemaster general
Fines worth highlighting include:- Rory for pseudocolonialism, Harry for raising his bat in the nets, those in the shit drill club and Amogh for being shit at bowling according to Ojas
Dick of the day – the natural follow up
Only one real candidate – Harry for bat raise
Back at OZO – casual beers and dinner
Dinner – a gun buffet
2nd, 3rd and even 4th plates – being deployed
Ojas – threatening double figures himself
Rav – getting a text through about the following days oppo
Tour guide – Yeah they’re 8/10 in strength
And with that – an early night is called

Day 3 – Can’t teach old dogs new tricks

6:45 wake up – grim af
weather – gorgeous
hotel views – strong
mood – lifted
Breakfast – a wide array from bacon and toast to butter chicken
Rogue plate combos – undoubtedly ensue
Jam touching curry sauce – not for me thanks
Tour vets – kitted out in shirt and tie for their first game in SL
The ground – has hosted tests and some of the greats
Today it’ll host – McCausland, Ridge and Kilpatrick
Not quite – Kumar, Dilshan and Murali
Drive to the ground – scene for the tour handicap
Sash – ‘So I’m minus 40 yeah?’
Big chat – from the skip
Shiv – clocking in at +90
Sash – on a calm 0
Big wins to be had with KP and Sohil – at +70
Rory at +40 – less strong
Unlucky – Joe
Arrival at the ground – playing host to some of the best driving ever seen
Coach driver – wrangling a 20 foot coach into an 8 foot space
Coach driver – not a graduate from the Amogh Hostoke school of parking
P Sara oval – a real gem of a ground
Photo – taken
Sash – eyes shut
Changing rooms – huge, kitted out with massage table
Speaker – blaring gangster rap as a selection of pasty bodies change kit
Owen – forgetting training top and borrowing Ojas’s
Owen – looking like an absolute gimp
Shirt – tight as fuck
Owen – looking ‘nippy’ for someone in 35 degree heat
Warm ups – surprisingly well executed
Team talk – Randall channelling his inner motivational speaker
Randall – going on to win the toss and bowl
Just before – the boys run on Owen disappears to the toilet
Runs? – no, nose bleed
Clearly – the pressure of an international ground had got to the poor boy
Nostril – dries up just in time
Meanwhile – Amogh, Rav, Krish and Sash have a mini changing room photoshoot
Walking onto the field – one last chance for a chat
Owen – ‘We’re 11 mates here boys lets help each other out’
Ridge – ‘Well, 10 mates and Krish’
Start of the game – Randall sets the tone with an 11 ball over
All the chat about setting an example to the virgins – well and truly out the window
Olly – bowls a classy spell up top
Sash – stood with Owen at slip saying how he fancies a bowl
Sash – runs over to Joe and suggests bringing on more seam in an attempt to get a bowl
Joe – agrees and brings on Ridge
Ridge – first change in a test arena, what a world
Ridge – bowling a combo of seeds, double bouncers and beamers
Ridge – even snicking off the local gun
No slip – to catch the ball however
At the other end – Rav is introduced
Rav – Being sent to Kandy before everyone else with his first ball of tour
Rav – sacks off his 4 good 2 bad rule for a 3:3 ratio of good to shit
Owen – dropping two half chances at 45 didn’t help
Krish – comes on and takes a handy 2 wickets
Krish – overzealous in his appeals but really enjoying the fight
Krish – then gets panned for the most ferocious six
Ball – needing to be recovered from the top of the net
Groundsman – yeeting a metal pole 8 feet in the air to try and dislodge the ball
Dangerous scenes – in the extreme
The six hitter – an SL u-19 gun
SJ – coming on to confuse the batsmen
SJ – bowling nicely and being rewarded with a fat spell
The sweat rag – ruined after SJ’s spell
Sash and Krish – racing each other from long on to long on
Performance – AF
Owen – came on and got whacked about a bit
Olly and Randall – finished up with Randall bowling the better of the two this time
Colombo – posting 349-6 at close
Tea – gun for meateaters, sparse for veggies
Rav – forgetting to reply to the dietry requirements text
Collins et al. – having to settle with an egg and not much else
Mid match showers – a necessity
Original source – tingly balls for a strong batting performance
Umpires – enquiring at tea why we didn’t bowl ‘our good spinners’
Answer – we have none
Umpires – also asking why we didn’t bat first
Answer – wait and see
Rory and Amogh – pad up and head out
Rory – looking lethargic on the singles
Owen – coining the phrase welsh time
Welsh time – normal time but slower
Rory – fucking rapid in Welsh time
Rory – so lethargic he forgets to use his bat and is out plumb LBW
Boys – Playing Lion ball
Lion Ball – a play on K ball
Sash – My first ball is my lion ball
Balls – big
Amogh – gone moments after chipping a full ball to the one offside fielder
Sash – enters the fray
Sash – smashed on the back pad first ball
L – B – W
Sash – fuming, claiming he might have hit it
Oppo captain – calling Sash back
First ball grace – or poor umpiring?
First – ball grace
Umpires – enjoying the bant and signalling a review
Joe – looking classy at the other end
Joe – mainly at the other end as Krish comes to hog the strike
Krish – trying scoops without a lid
Health and safety – in the bin
Krish – nursing a bad finger and a dodgy head
Krish – desperate for some ice
Krish – pushing through and making a very nice fifty
Krish – finding a way to get himself out so he can get some much needed ice
Olly – coming in and giving the bowlers some of their own medicine
Olly – eventually goes for one too many and is dismissed
Panic – stations
In come – the tail
Jede – Duck
Owen, never having scored a tour run – duck
Rav – going out and doing a tour challenge
Scoop – practiced
Reverse – mirrored
Pull shot – looking good
First ball – edged to slip
See you – Ravi
Ridge and SJ – bringing in a superb rearguard
Ridge – even playing a sweep
SJ – hitting a class cover drive for 4
The rearguard – effective as UWMCC post 199-9
Moral – victory
Post game chat – comes to the conclusion we have a lot to learn
Presentation – awkward with the oppo not being fans of a hug in photos
Tie – gifted to oppo skipper
Skipper – unlikely to douse it in purple
Coach – pulls up outside ground
Boys – filling in
Coach driver – proceeds to come within a foot of trees and pedestrians alike whilst escaping the ground
KP – shitting himself to see a guy just millimetres from going under the bus
Colombo traffic – rough
Boys – shattered
Sohil – ‘It’s Tuesday so I’m playing smack music’
Olly – less than impressed
Fines on the coach – many players maxing out
Ravi – winning dick of the day for no veggie meal
Ridge – getting fined for mistaking two of the Asian vets
Amogh – is not Krish
Other fines – include Ben Harrison falling down a flight of stairs and Ridge celebrating a catch in training and a run off the bat
Back at the hotel – a quick change is followed by a trek to the Colombo cricket café
Cricket café – widely recommended
Many – choosing to have a free nib at the hotel before however
Post nib – haggle time
Haggle time – MC Hammers lesser known song
Haggle time – sees clubmen haggle for tuktuks to the cricket café
Joey – getting a 60p Uber tuktuk
Owen – negotiating one for 80p
Bossman – almost charging the boys 300 USD instead of rupees
Fraser – with literal poo in his pants at that point
Stupid fresh – getting mugged off for £2
Two – whole pounds
Nice one – Shiv
Cricket café – not living up to the hype
Food and cricket alliterations – strong
Service – weak
Memorabilia – of badger interest
MT – you were sorely missed
Many clubman – opting for pints of lion
The wise clubman – opting for bottles of lion
Bottles – the same price but with greater volume of sesh
One can always rely on Olly and Rory – to work such things out
Food – chowed down
Joey – tries some rogue cocktails
MaiTai – gun
Long island ice tea – strong enough to enter world’s strongest man
The freehand pour – strikes again
Randall – keen to continue spots Arrack
‘Arrack, what the fuck is Arrack’ – Says you right now
Arrack – a sugar cane and coconut leaf spirit
Arrack – strong as fuck
Arracks – being passed onto a despondent sash
Owen – going roguer and ordering a stout
Stout – fucking grim
Thank you – next
Many boys – heading back to the rooftop bar
Rooftop bar – serving half price drinks from 11-1
On the way back – Joey’s tuktuk gets pulled over
Joey’s driver – paying off the policeman
His ‘papers’ – turned out to be red notes, not documents
Joey – standing by ready to go full SU negotiator on the policeman
Joey’s services – not required
Once back – many clubmen are hungry for sesh
The hunger – only partially filled
Midnight – the bar slams shut abruptly
Holy day – becomes holy night
Every full moon day in Sri Lanka – is a teetotal, vegetarian bank holiday
New day – no sesh
How will – UWMCC cope.

Day 4: 11 Virgins get their first pumping

6:50 – alarms go off in rooms across the OZO hotel
Boys – seeing the adrenaline begin to wear off
Tiredness – hitting
Krish – waking up to an angry text from the Women’s club telling him to wear a lid
The micro manager – gets micromanaged
Bleary eyes – staring at plates of rice and Dal
Clubman – using the vegetarian fayre on offer to help complete a tour challenge
Tour challenge – To have every room member eat a curry for breakfast on the same morning
Chickpea curry – providing many with a safe way of completing the challenge
Some bold souls – smashing a black looking fish curry
Joey – eating his curry at the last minute
Joey – realising halfway through that his room-mates won’t have chosen to consume curry
Joey – yeeting straight back up for Croissants and bacon
Curry – will wait for another day
Travis – welcoming us onto the coach
Travis – giving the boys a rousing team talk
‘Yesterday the opposition were stronger than I hoped’ – “Today the opposition is also strong’
Shit – hitting pants
‘We might not win’ – ‘But I hope we learn’
Travis – already realising we have massively overestimated our ability
‘But we work hard’ – ‘And don’t drop catches’
TDog – already highlighting an obvious area for improvement
Arrival at the ground – flanked by stray dogs
Ojas – smashing a series of insta photos
Amogh – looking for the nearest escape
Players – heading to some spacious changing rooms
NonPlayers – off to the ‘Balcony’
‘Balcony’ – A work in progress to say the least
The balcony – a set of chairs within a building site
Massage table – acting as somewhere to weld metal on
Glass shards – flying everywhere
Olly – falling asleep before feeling something sharp graze his leg
Olly’s makeshift bed – plastered in shattered glass
Meanwhile downstairs – the virgins are butchering a warmup
The warm-up – consisting of 2 dropped catches for every taken one
Shiv – running out to warm up with a pair of black astros on
Shiv – has come on tour without spikes
Could – only be fresher Shiv
Shiv – got more than shoes to worry about
Shiv – very nervous about his debut and telling Ridge as much the night before
‘This game is huge Ridge, big debut, hope I bowl well’ – Shiv’s prematch ramble
Bird’s pre match speech – hopefully more inspirational
Knowing Bird – it probably was a lot more dour
‘Don’t disgrace yourself lads, – But we’ve already lost, don’t lose too badly’
Birdy – putting his first domestic with Krish behind him and leading the side out at the pre-arranged time
Moments before – Dec takes the worst team photo of all time
Krish – had attempted to micromanage the time of the toss to make the game shorter
Micromanagers – gotta micromanage
Oppo – begin carting everyone
KP – cleared for 6 in his opening spell
Sohil – getting a tidy bit of swing
But nothing – can stop the pumping
Jinesh – coming on and being taken to the pumphouse
The Pumphouse – the home of Jinesh for the next few days
Ridge – spraying on social media in no uncertain terms that Jinesh is being ruined
It goes – from bad to worse
Shiv – chasing a ball to the rope flicks it OVER the rope for 4
Stifled laughter – on many clubmans faces
Pure anger and confusion – on others
Ojas – comes on and bowls nicely
Ojas – will appeal for anything
Shiv – being offered a shot at redemption
Shiv – burgling 2 wickets
Shiv – once again talking himself up
Shivy – claiming to have ‘set up the batsmen’
Clubman – failing to believe that somewhat
Krish – running around the boundary for 50 overs
Micromanaging – everything and everyone
Krish – telling Ojas how to bowl in the subcontinent
Krish – failing to see the irony
Krish – upon being called out recluses to a chair at deep midwicket
Indian uncle mode – activated
The indian uncle – a man who shakes every players hand, offers lots of advice and sits himself away from the main group of watchers
KP – coming back for a second spell
Ridge – caught up in another event of mistaken identity
Ridge ‘good wicket from Sohil there’ – while KP bowls
KP – cleaning up and getting himself on the brink of a baggy
KP – has two balls against the number eleven to secure the cap
Ball one – blocked
Ball two – smoked for 6
See ya – KP
Final score – 389
Tea – borderline awful
Excitement – initially
Boys – presented with takeaway style boxes
Biriyani? – BiriNAni
Consisting of – a rogue looking sandwich and some suspect chicken
Sandwich – could be cheese could be plain, no one has a clue
SJ – only one bold enough to eat the chicken
Other boys – looking for other options
Uber eats – active in Colombo
Choice – limited on holy day
Hearts – broken
Step forward – apple maps
Open McDonalds – just 0.3 miles away
Clubmen – rejoice
Mass order – put in
Chicken Mcsandwiches – all over the shop
Fanta’s – also an outrageously popular shout
Rory, Amogh, Rav and Olly – create the McD’s foursome
The foursome – taking some considerable time to get back
Concerns – raised
Has Amogh – been done by a stray dog
Has Rory – been called Welsh one to many times and gone on a mad one
Has Olly – been tapped up by an oppo team
Outcome – none of the above
Instead – Rav spilt fanta all over the Mcdonald’s
Mcdonalds staff – rushing out of the counter to assist Rav
Rav’s clean-up mission – immediately taken over by the staff
Rav – now just awkwardly loitering around his own mess
Rav – being given an extra drink for free
Lots of awkward bowing and pressed hands – ensues
Maccas – eventually brought back
Consensus – SL Chicken sandwich is superior
While the vets – are tucking in
The virgins – are toiling away
Bird – in the runs before a rogue decision sees him leave in the 40’s
Ben Harrison – looking decent for 12
FDog and Marquiss – not getting off to dream starts
KP – justifying anyone who may call him an all rounder
The tail – providing some much needed comedy
Ojas – ran out for a golden, not grounding his bat
Shiv – trying to flat bat yeet absolutely everything
The real comical masterpiece – Collins
Collins – strolls out to bat
Collins – taking his guard outside the crease
Collins – facing the ball outside the crease
Collins – missing the ball outside his crease
Collins – stumped
Stifled laughs and angry confusion – once again
During the collapse – Vets play one hand one bounce
SJ – pissing about with Sash
Playfighting – goes wrong
SJ – steals Sash’s floppy and yeets it
The floppy sails dramatically – eyes staring at its end location
The floppy – flirts with landing dangerously close to a dog
The floppy – continues to sail however
Sash – relieved for now
The floppy – hellbent on causing carnage however
End destination – the sewer
Floppy – now a dark shade of brown
Sash – losing his floppy rights
SJ – yeeting to the next city to avoid the wrath of Sash
250 run loss and destroyed floppy – angry Sash
Quiet – bus home
The night – doomed to stay quiet
Meat secured – but no danger of Sesh being available
Fines – absolute carnage
Krish – throwing a massive fit every time a fine idea is rejected
Krish – then hiding in his shell when it’s his turn
Krish – max fines
Krish – maxing out despite being permanently to hand for the whole game
Shiv – also in the firing line
Shiv –posting his wickets on insta
Shiv – conveniently redacting the fact he went at 57’s
Shiv – an obvious max fines candidate
Shiv – also bestowed with the dress
Many – seeing the night off with a passion ice tea
Owen – taking the opportunity to explain the ‘I’m a Pakistani’ joke
Owen – having questionable heritage
Owen – ‘My mates called me Tariq at school’
Others – taking an early night
The drive to Kandy – awaits

Day 5: Kandy adventures

Travis – setting up a heavy program for the day
UWMCC – basically on a Sri Lankan version of Channel 4’s coach trip
Wood carvings – being gassed up more than the elephant sanctuary
Conclusions being drawn – that the T-dog is on some sort of commission
Boys at the back talking about ‘Rachel Ross and Monica’ (friends) – Ridge trying to join in the conversation: ‘is this game of thrones you’re talking’
Not quite – mate
Krish – gasmasked by Sohil
Krish – waking up in the third second but accepting his fate
First pit stop – Amogh finds a treehouse and goes up to explore it with Krish.
Little does he know – a holy man is living in said treehouse,
Holy man – isn’t so impressed when Amogh is breaking in, and politely tells him of fuck off in Singhalese
Amogh – Gary DOTD
Elsewhere – Sash strides into the toilet
Sash – ‘good scenes, so many boys’
Let the shits – commence
DOTD – already secured
Back on the coach – tunes are banging
Bruno, Derulo and Akon – all getting rinsed
Suddenly – the music cuts out
The lights – fade
Dry ice – floats in
Travis – steps forward
I’m going to sing a song – please join in
The moment – Travis goes from a tour guide to a friend
Country roads – going pongo on the bus
Travis – fucking loving it
Travis – a fucking boy
Karaoke session – kicks off
Owen – smashing Backstreet boys
Sash – fucking nailing All Star
Ridge – murdering Stand By Me
Rav- did Yeh Dhosti despite not speaking Hindi
Amogh – also did a Hindi song (Tun Hi Ho)
Ojas – in his element
Krish – singing options complete with dance
Dance moves – impressive
Second stop – elephant sanctuary
Sash – given a great opportunity to reconnect with his cousins
Elephants – majestic
Guards – less majestic
Debates over treatment – follows the touring group
Many – still feeding the legend that is Sabu
Sabu and Sash – having an undoubted connection
SJ – getting a little too close
SJ – yeeting a finger up the elephants bottom
Please ask tourists – for more information
Lunch – yet another buffet
Potato cakes – gun
Dal –gun
Service – interesting yet again
Plates – taken when not finished
Sash – having to go to great lengths to intimidate the waiter to get his £16 change back
Next stop – spice and herbal medicine garden
The garden – a wicked sales pitch
the salesman – struggling with all sorts of ailments himself
Salesman – needs to take his own medicine
Salesman – making it clear Sash needs weight loss medicine and Ben needs sunburn care
The sales pitch – continues into the classroom
The classroom – sees a number of rogue interactions
Oils – yeeted on hands
Creams – shared
Bottles – sniffed
Bossman – sticks some veet-esque removal cream on Ojas, Collins and Sash
The cream – works leaving bare patches on all 3 legs
Sales – stay at 0
Ojas – willing to try absolutely everything
Many others – choosing to avoid
Free massages – also offered with ‘elite’ oil
SJ and Amogh – obliging
Ojas – also getting involved of course
SJ and Amogh – being nonced themselves
The nonce cycle of life – lives on
The noncing continues – with ‘energy elixir’ being offered
Owen – outing the elixir as Dilly Dilly
Rory – checking the label and confirming its dilly dilly credentials
Sohil, SJ and Amogh – set to be pitching a tent in their pants for the foreseeable
The heavy sales pitch – ultimately unsuccessful as little is brought
Owen – however getting the guys phone number for future fresh challenges
All the talk of illness and death at the herbal shop – gets Joe and Krish in the mood for appreciating the ones they love
Domestics – cancelled for now
Krish – instead falling asleep in Joes arms
Sohil – soundtracking it nicely with some Ed Sheeran
Elsewhere on the coach: Shiv – ‘I have a class idea’
The idea – ‘We should record club songs and put them on Spotify’
Absolutely – fucking not
Next stop – wood carvings
Average item price – £2,000
Travis – perhaps overestimating our spending money
The £10 option however – perfect girlfriend present
Owen, Ridge, Olly and SJ – all buying similar gifts
KP – completely forgetting his missus
KP – bricking it
KP – ‘Ahhh I’ll just get her something from the airport, or off amazon’
Ahhh – the joys of being an excellent looking man
Many – tiptoeing round the woodcarvings
A fall here – could set one back £50,000 plus
Danger walk – well in play
Arrival at new hotel – fucking gun
Main coach – not getting up the final 400m
TDog – insisting we get a shuttle bus for the last hill
Boys – tired and obliging
Bags – dropped
Dinner – inhaled
Chat – rogue
Amogh – ‘Boys would you have a threesome with 2 sisters’
Opinions – mixed
Shiv – “you’re gay if you say no”
Owen and Rav – gay then
Chat – mutating into Rav stitching himself
Rav – ‘I’d shower with my dad’
Rav – both a nonce and a reverse nonce
Chat – moving to the hotel bar
Extra seats – being found left right and centre
Travis – joining the boys as they form a discussion circle
Travis – would no doubt shag two sisters
Plenty of – The T-Dog to go around
Hotel beer stock – being depleted by the minute
Many clubman – calculating that two 500 Rupee beers have more sesh than 1 1,000 rupee beer
500 Rupee beers – wiped the fuck out
Owen – suggesting a small informal circle
Jinesh – expert negotiator
Jinesh – tasked with securing 69 discounted beers in one mass order
Jinesh – disappearing briefly
Jinesh – putting on his ‘accent for foreigners’
The accent – always delivers
Discounted beers – poured
Games – beginning
Back to wack – getting absolutely rinsed
Olly vs Rory – proving what we already know
The two – nicest blokes in the world
FDog and Sharky – showing the true strength of the bromance
Owen and Ridge – both saying the other ones more important to the club
Joey – ‘But one of you organises sesh!’
All of this – building up to the big one
Krish and Joey – to centre stage
Joe – permanently nibbing Krish
Joe – realising that if he doesn’t drink on the ones Krish doesn’t they both have to drink anyway
Krish – triggered
Joe – giving away that he’s sometimes the bad bloke in the relationship
Joe – oh so very proud of himself
Krish – supposedly the better batsmen, bowler and skipper of the two
Jury – out
Joe – undoubtedly the bigger wind up merchant
Soft lads – heading to bed
Top shaggers – moving onto 20+1
Can the feat – of week 10 be repeated
Rules including – 1-10 in French, 11-20 being Dale and playing 30+1 instead
Accents – encouraged also
Everyone – doing a KP brummie
Krish and Owen – struggling massively to nail KP’s lilt
Sash – repeatedly kimmed by Dec and Ben
Ben – also conspiring with Fraser to piss Krish off
Ben – “Odds on you tell Krish he adds no value to tour”
Fraser – 1 to 1
Fresh – bold af
Elsewhere – Owen and Joe are having a sword fight
Owen – in a rough state and starting by pissing all over Joe’s leg
Joe – flinches meaning he returns the favour
A – regrettable minute for all
Upon return – wack and leave is enforced by the barstaff and the boys head upstairs
Owen – disappears to the pool briefly to make a phonecall
Joe – throwing Owen and series of flip flops mid phone call
Owen – yeeting them all into the pool
Krish – fishes his back
Fraser – not so lucky
Seconds later – on the 1st floor of the Earls regent hotel, war breaks out
The teams – unknown really
What they’re fighting for – their possessions
Repercussions – huge
Phase 1 – Rory steals Ridge’s towel despite coming under some heavy fire
Heavy fire – being the bidet hose and Ridge spraying right guard everywhere
Rory – then heads to Joe’s room and steals the African land snail found on their balcony
Rory’s intentions – unknown
The snail – is briefly returned
The towel – yet to be returned
Phase 2 – Rav attempts to gas mask Sash
Rav – unsuccessful and making an enemy in SJ and Rory
Rav – now being targeted by all parties keen to remove this third force from the war
Bidet taps – being spray gunned everywhere
Owen – attempts to rugby tackle Joey for the towel
Owen – like a retarded Spanish bull charges and misses the towel
Ridge – running up and down the corridor spraying deodorant
Ridge – also stealing SJs Whites
SJ – playing the next day
Nothing – is sacred
Speaking of sacred – the boys are due in the holy temple of the tooth just hours after the war
Fraser – ‘That’s ok we’ll have our heads bowed anyway because of the hangover’
Last bit of sense from Fraser – before he went full FDog
Full Fdog – seeing Fraser strip naked mid war and head down to the pool
Ceasefire – briefly announced whilst Fraser does his skinny dip
The Fdog – runs downstairs and jumps straight in
Swimming a length – before getting out
Security guards – awoken by the splash head down to see an FDog covering his gooch with his lost flip flop
Onlooking clubmen – fearing the worst
Luckily – security guards chilled about the whole thing decide not to keep the Fdog as a prisoner of war
Back on the frontline – Ravi has been captured by Joe
Ravi – is waterboarded every time he goes to escape
Joey – having to fight on two fronts however as Rory has recaptured the snail and is threatening to yeet it onto the ceiling
Joey – releasing rav to focus on the snail
Rory – briefly setting down the snail for just a few moments
Joe – ceasing the opportunity and running to the downstairs garden to safely release the snail
Rory – following Joe and picking up the snail the second it’s put down
Yeeeeeeeeet – the snail goes further than an Abbasi 6
Animal rights activists – are bound to be at the welshman’s door soon
And with that yeet – the war comes to an uneasy ceasefire
Tiredness – the only winner of the war
Losers – there were many

Day 6: Temple of the anti-Darb

7:45 start – seeing some offended looking faces at breakfast
Many – nursing an exhaustion assisted hangover
Rory – looking perky as ever
Joe, Owen and Ridge – fuming with his cheeky smile
Coach down the hill – silent
Second coach – seeing many boys pep up
Ridge – dropping some filthy farts on the coach
Nostrils – assaulted
Travis – laying some background to our day
Temple – holy
Opposition – strong
Everyone – successfully remembering to wear trousers for the temple
Them knees – need to be covered up
Upon arrival at the temple – Sohil is pulled to one side
Sohil’s ripped jeans – are not passable for the temple
Sohil – disappearing and re-emerging with his cricket whites on
The look – interesting
Sohil’s review – ‘To be fair I’m a lot less hot in these’
Practical – fashion
TDog – organising the tickets, before the boys head in
The temple – as golden as Collins’ batting innings
Towards the end of the route – the story is laid out on wooden boards
Each wooden board – sponsored by the bank of Ceylon
Olly Warwick – asking people if they’ve read the final board
‘And on the final day, the Buddha secured an excellent 1.2%APR loan from the excellent people at the bank of Ceylon’ – if only
Rory – coming to the conclusion that the Buddha was an average prince with some good P&C skills
Others – undoubtedly more enlightened by the temple
Boys – harassed by bracelet salesmen upon exiting the temple
Clubmen – not hesitating to send them KP’s way
KP – declining, still holding out for another elephant
Coach – arriving and taking the boys to the first T-20
Anti darb – featuring Dec
Opposition – bringing about 23 players with them
Clearly ready to field – a bowling and batting unit
UWMCC – win the toss and bowl
First over – off to a beautiful start
Jinesh – taking a great catch off Sohil
It all ends there for Jinesh – however
In the following 8 overs – 5 misfields from the resident international cricketer
Opposition – not smashing everything for 6 as before but rotating the strike very nicely
Both batsmen – make 50’s
Shiv – flicking one over the boundary for 4 again
Never – go full retard
Sohil – losing the will to live
Harry – missing a direct hit from 1.2 yards away
Ridge – ‘Maybe Harry is scared of the stumps’
Krish – bowling nicely but eventually being sent to the pumphouse
Everyone – gets sent to the pumphouse
Ridge – continuing to confuse people for each other
Ridge – Almost certainly a man with failing vision
Oppo – setting a decent total of around 190
Tea – shit yet again
Hotel box – full of miscallenous carbohydrate and dangerous looking chicken
Many – avoiding a full tea
Teatime entertainment – one hand one bounce
Amogh – using this time to start the IDL
The IDL – the EDL but for Indians
Amogh – mistaking Harry and Dec for one another
Amogh and Ridge – same minds different cultures
One hand one bounce – filmed by the Tdog
Tdog – using the footage to send to future oppositions
‘Yeah boys, weaken the side’ – ‘Just look how shit they are’
The chase – never looking likely
Olly – hitting a lovely 40 before dehydration leads to a brain fade
Krish – looking decent with the bat yet again
Sohil – coming in and going full boomtown
Full boomtown – leaving the boys needing 20 an over for the last 3
Sohil – gets out giving way to Shiv
Shiv – out first ball trying to flat bat yeet a Yorker
Jinesh – in his civilian clothes as he is down at eleven
Shiv’s – quick wicket putting him on edge
When Collins – secures a king pair next up Jinesh is still in trouble
Birdy – holes out with one ball left
Jinesh – in real danger of being timed out now
Jins – runs out in village attire sporting a bright blue cap and loose pads
A fitting end – to a village game
Opposition – keen to add Olly on facebook
‘you are perfect batsmen’ – ‘I want to train like you’
Olly – modest in his new found fame
Quick shower – at the hotel necessary
Showers at the ground – as grim as CR2’s floor
Post shower – the boys head to the cultural show
Rav – ‘All the Asian boys have subconsciously conspired to all wear shirts’
Rav, Amogh and Shiv – looking like the new JLS type boyband
1 hour coach journey to the cultural show – providing valuable nap time for many
At the cultural show – Travis has secured front row seats
The show – a real mixed experience
Some dancers – world class
Others – clearly in their first week
Tambourines – flying all over the shop
Darbs – out everywhere
Costumes – interesting and varied
Many boys – lusting after one female dancer
Ravi – taking great joy in telling the boys she’s only 15
The club – is alive with nonces
Dancing over – fire show begins
Fire show – promises a lot
Delivers – very little
Two blokes – jump over some hot coals before everyone fucks off
Back on the coach – the boys are ready to delete their buffet dinners
The coach – seeing Sohil awarded DOTD for the trouser error
Dinner – inhaled quickly
Many – stopping at the bar for a sober social
SU – more impressed by UWMCC with every day
Owen and Joe – ordering the same drink
Both – getting very different things
Owen’s Ice Tea – sweet and refreshing
Joe’s – looking and tasting like the black death
Lucas – Leiva
Many boys – feeling like they’re coming down with the black death
Early starts and spicy food – taking its toll
Early night – needed and deserved

Day 7: Drawing tour

A band of 11 elite clubmen – arise early
Shirts and ties – adorned
Eggs and pastry – their fuel
But – they’re still hungry
Hungry – for victory
Hungry – for success
Hungry – to not embarrass themselves in front of the gun eleven
TDog – has secured weaker opposition for the anti-gun game
Boys – you will win
These words – ring around in the skulls of the boys the whole way there
The coach – does an excellent job weaving through the narrow roads of central province
Sohil and Sash – having a sweepstake as to how many time Krish will micromanage
Guesses – ranging from 7 to 8933340
Travis – singing sweet Caroline to get the boys pumped up
Travis – using his superb darb to balance him as the coach goes full kamakazie
Ravi – then taking over the speaker playing exclusively old skool garage
Boys arriving – at a glorious looking ground
Mountains – in the background
A small crowd – building up
Warmup suggestions – varied
Many wanting to go full anti gun – warming up with a cigarette in their mouth and a tinnie in hand
Sensibility strikes though – and the normal warm-ups begin
Shiv – forgetting his training kit and so borrowing Owen’s spares
The spares – looking like a parachute on the wee lad
Warm ups – completed to an acceptable standard
Shiv – practising his boundary flicks in the mirror
Ridge – practising his apologies to the batsmen post beamer
Owen – practising his batting excuse
Fraser – getting his point to the sun ready for when he drops one
Ravi – gearing up for his captaincy debut and giving a rousing speech
‘Don’t be the one the other boys laugh at’ – inspirational words
With those words in mind – the boys run out
Sharky – opening up with the best spell of tour
Sharky – bowling 40mph bouncers scaring the batsmen
Sharky – taking the edge on a couple of occasions with one sticking in Jede’s gloves
The boys – are off to a flyer
SJ – causing problems at the other end
Mood – in the field is strong
The opposition – under it a little
Ridge – coming on and releasing the pressure nicely
Ridge – seeing one sail into the mountains
The oppo – still a decent enough side
UWMCC – aiding them with a series of horror drops
Travis – stood on the sideline in utter disbelief
Swede – well and truly gone
Ravi – coming on and making a difference with two quick wickets
Owen – coming on and taking a nice 3fer
Owen – committing a horrific drop off his own bowling
Owen – following through on his action for once
The ball – looping back over his head
Owen – with a turning circle the size of a cruise ship is never making it
Laughs – all around
Owen – being that bloke Rav was on about
Collins – bowling 4 wides and then 2 absolute Jaffas
Off stump – cartwheeling down the hillside
Shiv – putting in his best bowling performance
Meanwhile – KP is having a disaster
KP – like many clubmen is often in need of a shite
KP – disappearing to the toilet
KP – locking the door from his side
KP – does the business and goes to leave
The door – refuses to be unlocked
KP – trapped
KP – calling the boys and getting a maintenance man sent out
The maintenance man – not fucking about and using an electric saw
KP – eventually released both frustrated, timid and about a stone lighter
SJ – helping Collins mop up the tail as UWMCC bowl a side out for the first time
A target of 320 odd – set
The anti Guns – can be proud of themselves but are up against it
Tea – another box of grey doom
Tea – avoided
Rory and FDog – padding up
Jede – despite batting at 4 fully pads up and demands throwdowns
Jede – then misses half of the throwdowns sent to him by Olly
Jede – also opting to leave one of the throwdowns
Olly – taking his first Sri Lankan 5fer
F-Dog – facing first ball
LBW – cya Fraser
Fraser – despondent as the boys get off to the start they all feared
Rory – to the rescue
Sensing some rain on the way – Rory alongside Ben conspire to block the shit out of it
Rory – the Welsh answer to Northen Jono
Eventually – both depart
Ben – for his third score of 12
Ben – can’t escape scores of 12
Rav – can’t escape 12 year olds
Bucs average of 12 – probably quite competitive
Moments later – a severe storm begins
Umpires – playing through it at first
However – eventually it becomes too much
For the next hour – the boys stare at the rain
A severe din can be heard – as the raindrops hit the tin roof
With neither team being able to effectively communicate in the others language – the wait to call the game off takes some time
During this time – bad luck strikes for SJ
SJ – loses odds to run round the now flooded outfield
SJ – channelling his half marathon training as he zooms round the outfield
SJ – now wetter than Sash when Disco Dave delivers that sweet sweet Pitbull
Upon SJ’s arrival – the game is called off
Krish – successfully reaches the end of the days play having not micromanaged
Limp handshakes – and a quick presentation ensues
The boys – run through the rain onto the coach
Shouts of – Drawing tour
Ravi – unbeaten as a captain
Travis’s blushes – saved
Jede – calculating that as he was 3* off 2 balls he would’ve scored a double century
If anything – the oppo should be glad for the rain
Fines on the bus – aplenty for village cricket moments
KP – obvious DOTD candidate for locking himself in the toilet
Back at the hotel – the boys opt for a late lunch nib
The club sandwich and the burger – popular choices from the hotel menu
Food – taking an age to arrive
Nibs – very delicious when they do arrive
Bills – not handed out at the end despite being asked for
Many clubmen – currently sat on a free meal
Pool session – in order post meal
90 min wait time – ignored
Pool rugby – begins
Sohil and Sash – alpha-ing everyone
Fraser – demonstrating the best weight to strength ratio however
Everyone is a gangster – until a real gangster enters however
Soon, the game gets the attention – of 3 huge French blokes
The blokes – jump in and run the game
Sash – yeeted by a bloke the size of a Smeg fridge
Owen – bouncing off their forearms like a pogo stick
Rav – being thrown 400 metres by a mere swipe of their arms
An hour of homoerotic wrestling for the ball – followed
Meanwhile upstairs – a domestic between Joe and Krish can be seen on the balcony
Sohil, Sash and Owen – playing bogeys but with the words domestic
Eventually, enough strangers on the side of the pool were hit – it was time to leave
Sohil – the main culprit as he appeared to target an elderly Asian man sat at the edge of the pool
Travis – texting Rav while the boys are getting changed
“I have organised special seating for you tonight’ – ‘It is important you have good times’
Special seating – placing the boys right by the evening’s middle eastern buffet
Clubmen – chowing down on kebabs and Lion beers
9000 whole prawns and 4500 kofte’s were consumed – by the 23 strong party
During dinner – lunchtime’s waiter is chasing up clubmen to pay for their lunch
Better late – than never
Beer ordering system – also absolute carnage
Many boys – needing sleep and scared of being charged for extra sesh head for an early night

Day 8: Shitmageddon

Lights – flashing on in various rooms throughout the night
Toilet bowls – across the first floor are pummelled
Creased up faces and limp hands over bellies – arrive at breakfast
Many – nibbling on some dry toast trying not to cry or shit themselves
The middle eastern buffet – explosive like the regions politics
Check out – dragged out as a result of frequent toilet visits
Owen, Ridge and KP – the worst hit it would seem
Cheeks at both end – nice and red
Still – at least it’s the perfect day for the shits
An hour drive – awaits the clubmen
First hour – seeing the boys head towards a tea factory
Upon arrival – Owen disappears to the toilet
10 mins later – he re-emerges
Owen – just moments later disappears again for an absolute clearout
Tea tour – concluding
Boys – sent upstairs to try the produce
Owen – hearing of free biscuits suddenly emerges
Tea – sipped
Sales pitch – begins
Many – already converted and rush up to the till
Gold tip, silver tip, breakfast, passionfruit and soursop varieties – sold instantly
Clubmen – already becoming aware of the downfall of leftover rupees
Krish – spending £20 worth
Krish – could’ve got 3 portions of Bajan Cheesy Chips for that
Hot tea – soothing the stomachs
The boys – head back on the coach
Travis – grabs the mic and sings yet again
Boys – trying to assist him through a song no one quite knows
With The pre match show ending – its time for what Tdog referred to as the game
The game – fresh factor
Fresh – including tour fresh this year
Starting with the highest tour number – and ending with the lowest
First up – Jinesh
Jinesh – fully equipped with trilby hat
Jinesh – giving us a lovely rendition of don’t worry be happy
The judges – Owen(Louie), Sash (Simon), Rav (Nicole) and Randall (Sharon)
Ridge – Dermot O’Leary
All 4 judges – impressed
Rory – performing a near silent rendition of Tom Jones
It’s not unusual – for an amateur to ignore the mic in his hand
Shiv – delivering a goth style performance of live forever
Alanis Morisette – vibes
Ben – setting the standard with a bit of Bruno Mars
Sash – fuming a fresher would take on his beloved Bruno
KP – Jason Mraz being covered nicely by the ever handsome KP looking resplendent in the dress
Ojas – smashing the chorus of Punjabi MC to only forget the rest of the song
Fraser – channelling his inner Alex Mcleish as he took on 500 miles
Dec – the real surprise
Dec – absolutely smashing hips don’t lie
Rumours – it was dedicated to Chong
Bird – showing some top draw range and emotion in his rendition of Rocket Man
Birdy – a huge Elton fan
Sohil – butchering Tinie Tempah
Rap – just doesn’t work in this game
Sharky – Rick rolling the whole coach
Collins – not doing it
Collins – 2 cool 4 Skool
SJ – with a huge finish
SJ – taking on Pitbull’s give me everything
SJ – gave us everything
As SJ finishes – the boys pull in for lunch
Lunch – poked around by many clubmen not yet keen on eating
‘Anything I eat is gone in 20 mins’ – Birdy
Lunch – perfect time for the judges to discuss their orders
Sash – really did not enjoy Ben doing Bruno
The boys – all in agreement regarding their top 3’s
Other positions – sorted
Poppadums and plain rice – nibbled
Back on the bus for the results – and the 4 hour drive to Koggala
Results: Sohil and Shiv propping up the table whilst SJ takes the crown
Notable mentions – to Dec and Bird who rounded the top 3
SJ – performing again for the boys
What followed – was a series of murdered songs by Ridge et al
Ojas – then got on the mic and sung 3 songs better than his fresh factor entry
Ojas – mixing it up between hindi and aerosmith songs
Shiv – joining in to send everyone to sleep
Eventually – Tdog saves the back of the bus and takes the mic back
Service station stop – needed
Clubmen – more than happy to pay 20 rupees for a shit
The shits – often disturbed by a man shooting bleach under the toilet door
Shits – served with a side of corroded foot skin
Sri Lankan hygiene – more concerning by the day
Many – opting for milkshakes in 35 degree heat
No wonder – we all have the shits
Back on the bus – fifa tunes seeing the boys into Koggala
Hotel in Koggala – giving the boys a cultural reception among the glorious beach views
Boys – getting changed quickly to play some beach cricket and take on the massive waves
Waves – bigger than a MT chop
Waves – analizing the boys harder than Colombo University
Back at the room – signs all is not well
Bedroom doors – struggle to lock
Toilets – are filthy
Wifi – non existent
Rav – surely is not going Roach at this late stage
Rav’s blushes – saved by a beach circle
Krish and Sohil – getting very loose
Many boys – sober circling
Not because – we love the SU
But because – we love not shitting ourselves
Joe – still drinking because he loves having warm calfs
Reverse Sherwin ball, cricket and ICICN – played amongst other games
Gambles – mixed
3 lions – seeing Olly buy 3 extra lion beers
Fresh 1 min challenge – seeing clubmen run to the sea and back in a min
Micromanager – instructing Ojas to teach one of the children at the next day’s coaching session how to bowl military medium
Bully the bully – allowing those bullied on social media by Ridge to dole out drinks
Circle – finishing with fresher cock or ball
Fraser – with no hesitation is the fresh representative
Circle – mixed with guesses
Fraser – announcing it as a veiny part of the ball
Circle – over
Some – continue drinking
Sohil – told by angry Russians to turn the music down
Sohil – not obliging
Krish, Jinesh, Travis and Sohil – up until very late
Krish – all over the shop falling into a bush
Krish – also losing his phone
The dress shall await him – the following morning

Day 9: Since when was Roach back in charge?

Yet another early start – startles the touring party
Agenda – a busy one
Breakfast – not so busy as the selection is gash
Black bacon and red onion – not quite what many would want
Boys – loaded onto the bus
Belated DOTD – given to an angry Krishnu
Krish – is now reunited with his phone however
First event – boat safari
Safari – sparse
A few jellyfish – and fuck all else
Halfway through – the boys stop at a cinnamon island
Cinnamon islanders – speaking very little English
Boys sit in silence – as a man whittles a stick
Stick – then yeeted towards the noses of clubmen
Dec – disappearing the second he gets on the island
Dec – going full tea factory and missing the whole thing
Cinnamon island – unlike the tea factory had no toilet roll
Dec – forced to use his revision notes
No papercuts – luckily
Back on the boat – the boys continue to see absolutely fuck all
22 burnt clubmen many needing a shit – begin to get disgruntled
Ravi – admitting he should’ve sacked the whole day off as a rest day
Post boat – early lunch
Lunch – yet another 1500 rupee buffet
Buffet – pretty wank
Food choices – weak
Quality – weaker
Back on the coach – the boys beg Travis to find us a restaurant for dinner that evening
TDog – on it
Next stop – the turtle hatchery
Trip advisor – suggesting a sad visit is to come
Sad visit – indeed
Turtles – in bath tubs being prodded by children
That – is not conservation
The 1 hour tour – becomes a whistlestop tour
Employees – telling the boys all sorts of conflicting answers to their questions
Boys – in big need of a lift
The lift – should surely come at the foundation of goodness
But instead – the arrival at FoG brings more sadness
Travis – informs the gun team they will be playing on the pitch they arrive at for the coaching session
The pitch – astro
The ground – very small
Joe – on the verge of tears
Sohil and Joe – coming out with elitist comments aplenty
Development – are people too
Travis – turning out to get the ground wrong
Joe and co. – relived to be informed they’re playing on a real pitch
Coaching session – uplifting
Boys – all under eleven
Under eleven – but fucking gun
Olly – being told by a ten year old he doesn’t hit the ball hard enough in the fielding drill
Owen – cutting his hand as he takes catches from the children wanging it in
Krish – taking over one whole station for himself
Club captains – gotta club captain
Owen – falling into a danger hole
Danger hole – basically a swamp
Shoe – ruined
Owen – disappearing to the toilets to clean said shoe
Session – coming to a close
Conclusion – most of the eleven year olds could beat the gun eleven
Post session – the president of FoG takes us into his office
President – explains the excellent work they do
President – has the boys salivating at the beautiful FoG stash which can be purchased tomorrow
Boys – leave with hope in their hearts
A quick turn around before dinner – and the boys head off to the restaurant
Travis – booking happy banana
Many clubman – disappointed bananas
Burgers – weak af
Pizzas – basic
Spring rolls – gun
Chips – as dry as a Nun’s fanny
Amogh – being given a beef burger and being told off when complaining
Amogh – being told by the waiter he ordered beef
Amogh – as someone who doesn’t eat beef certainly didn’t
Waiter – also poking his finger deep into Amogh’s burger before giving it back
DangerDog – also circling the tourists
Happy Banana – a damp squib
Poor food – overshadowed by the search for a 12th man
Dec – nursing an ankle injury and the shits may be unavailable for the gun game
Injury – sustained doing the fresh one min challenge days before
Krish – being turned down by anti-gun clubmen who are scared of a bollocking
Krish – eventually getting SJ and Sharky to sign up
With that sorted – bed time comes around

Day 10: Gun means something different over here

Dec – waking up fully fit
Good omens – for the guns
Breakfast – once again largely skrrred
Coach chat – about how Sharky is living in Canley next year
Post pop chop – strong location
‘I don’t like a post pop chop, I prefer a post club rub and tug’ – another great Fdog line
Boys – arrive at the ground after some expert manouvres from the coach driver
Many XP gained – from the moves on show
Ground – small and set in the jungle
Joe – ‘We are gonna lose so many balls today’
Sash – wins the toss and with Travis’ approval bats first
Every batsmen – makes 10 but not much more
Oppo openers – nothing special
Then – doom strikes
FoG – possessing the Sri Lankan warne who ripped through the middle order
Ojas, Olly and Sohil – put up a fight
Jinesh – offered a nice rearguard
But what was essentially a semi-pro team – bundled the guns out for 157
Umpires – ‘You guys aren’t real cricketers’
Verdict – scathing
Elsewhere – the anti guns absolutely rinsed Shiv’s sweet selection
Owen and Rav – smashing his bag of skittles
Sorry – Shiv
Tea – not awful for the gun game
Noodles – the carb of choice
Noodles – superior to miscallenous pastas
Sash – thought to have given a gun team talk at half time
Buzz – noticeable in the field
Sash and Krish – providing the buzz with controlled aggression
KP and Sohil – making early breakthroughs
However – soon heatstroke had its wicked way
Olly and Randall – came in and the oppo got going
Jinesh – getting sent for a 6 that is still going
FoG – win by 5 wickets
Post match presentation – sees Sash commended on ‘great fielding for a big boy’
Great fielding for a big boy – the Sri Lankan answer to great touch for a big lad
Clubmen – realising we are all big lads in Sri Lanka
President – arrives with polo’s for the boys to purchase
Everyone – having to size up
Pride – dented as clubmen are told to go bigger
Ravi – buying a large
Owen – on that XXL lifestyle
Not a small – purchased by anyone
Pride dented – the boys head back to the hotel
Fines on the bus – ridiculously heavy for Krish
Light – for many others
You – hate to see it
Travis – the absolute boy has booked a DJ and some big sesh for Dec’s Bday
Boys – opting for a little pizza to avoid the buffet
Hotel – boasting a pizza restaurant
Pizzas – taking 2 hours to arrive
During this two hours – many attempts are made to cancel the pizzas
Elderly waiter – refusing to cancel anything
Pizzas – apparently in the oven
In the oven – for a whole 2 hours
Eventually – some pizzas arrive
Pizzas – wrapped in cling film and clearly microwaved
Upon picking up a slice – all toppings slide off
Complaint territory – reached
No one – wants to pay for the pizza
The elite complaint force of Ojas, Jinesh and Krish – forms instantly
Chef – brought down for a bollocking
Chef – refusing to admit to any guilt
We – ordered at a different time
We – only waited 20 mins
We – don’t know what a good pizza looks like
Chef – then gets agitated with Jinesh
Chef – continues to claim we’ll get the waiter sacked
Jinesh and co – don’t back down
Their balls – bigger than mine
Dec – having an excellent birthday thus far
Dec – batted 7, didn’t bowl and then had a shite pizza
Let’s hope – he’s happy with a recreation of one of his favourite shows
UWMCC – kitchen nightmares
Chef – eventually bypassed with Jinesh off to see central management
Everyone else – gets ready for Dec’s birthday sesh
Jinesh – securing free pizza for everyone
Rumours are – the last orders are only just coming out the oven
Birthday sesh – heavy
Cocktails – being smashed
DJ – Playing the worst unlicensed remixes of crowd favourites
Boys – not caring as the sesh is strong
Some – joining and eventually usurping elderly Russians on the dancefloor
Ojas – getting absolutely Makelele’d
All DOTD winners – having to drink a bullfrog
A bullfrog – every spirit behind the bar plus red bull
Bird – drinking one out of choice the nutter
Many others – joining him hours later
Owen – Making the d-floor his own
Literally – his own
It was just him – eyes closed dancing like a spastic
Dec – buying everyone an arrack
Dec – also buying himself an arrack every time
Oversesh – AF
DJ – asking for any requests
Everyone – requesting give me everything
DJ – clearly doesn’t have it
Do you have Spotify mate – asks every clubman
The reply – no
What the boys can make happen though – is a huge megamix
Megamix – magical
Rumours – of multiple noise complaints as we all butcher the classics
Next step – to the beach
Owen – vaulting over a sat Krish only to bury half his head in the sand
Everyone else – downing their drinks and heading to various rooms
Owen – immediately gets to his room and strips to his boxers
Big O – finds a plastic bag and cuts a hole in it resting it on his face
What followed – was renditions of YMCA and mad cackles
Ben Harrison – getting gasmasked by Fraser and Ridge
Ben Harrison – telling people in public it didn’t happen
Owen – gets him again for all to see
Ben – in revenge starts lenging Dec’s bday cake around the room
Owen – eating it off of the walls
FDog – rubbing it into his chest
Collins – passing out on Ridge’s bed
Travis – singing to himself in the lobby
We had all – gone well and truly beyond
Eventually – the seas part and people head to bed

Day 11: Winning Tour

Yet another – fucking early start
Sore heads on the coach – none more so than Travis
‘Gent’s I will not talk much, I am ill’ – Tdog in a world of trouble
Check out – taking an age as pizza costs are removed
Every hotel staff member – also insisted on a photo with us
Did they know – we were fucking shite
DOTD – done belatedly
Ridge – the undoubted winner
Ridge – chundered half his grass skirt cocktail back onto the beach late last night
Ridge – the ultimate brit abroad
Shits, sunburn – and alcoholism
Strong tunani’s – helping the boys through the coach journey to Colombo
A half time break for snacks – still very much needed
Bird and Sohil – fuming at the lack of service station KFC
Many – settling for the pringles and Ice cream deal in the minimart
Giant bottles of mirinda – providing the elixir for life at this time also
Arrival in Colombo – straight to the Moors sports ground
Moors ground – gun, situated right in the heart of Chinese funded infrastructure projects
Alumni – looking weak in the warm ups
Lunch – taken before the game
Lunch – do I need to say what it was by now?
Warm ups – swift
Amogh – winning the toss and bowling
KP – picking up lots of cheap wickets against a weak side
Owen – executing a runout before dropping a sitter
Sash and Amogh – giving themselves a bowl
Ridge – still getting panned
Ridge – then mistaking Rav for Ojas
Ravi – fuming
Owen and Sash – creasing
Owen – sent into the neighbouring Ladies hostel
‘We won’t be allowed to get that one back’ – alumni
Alumni – posting a decent total of 130 ish
Sash – asking for license to go pongo
License – given
Sash – responds with a 23 ball half century
Sash – retires himself out of respect
No point – kicking a dead corpse
Ojas – finishes the job with his own half century
Easy – W
Post game presentation – darbs presented with a trophy
Rav – giving a touching speech thanking big Trav
Trav – donning his new UWMCC tie
Fraser – announced as winner of Fresh of tour
Ojas – Tourist of tour
Krish – deserved MVP
KP – obviously the best bowler
Olly – consistency and explosion make him best bat
Alumni skipper – giving the boys chat about the nights festivities to come
Boys – expecting a quiet dinner
Oh how – very wrong they’ll be
Post photoshoot – boys head for a quick turnaround before dinner
Dinner – at a fancy Japanese restaurant
Alumni – set to pick up the tab
Boys – gassed
Boys – getting more gassed upon entry
On each table of 4 – sits 2 litres of premium spirits
Black label, top level arrack and Henny – all placed around the room
Lets get – loose
One old boy – making everyone drink fat shots of tequila
Like Dec – he does one every time too
Jito (The old boy) – tells everyone to stand up so they don’t chunder
Seconds later – Jede stands up, only to chunder everywhere
Hours later – Jito does the same
Stand up idea – not sound medical advice
Jede – placed in a private room to recuperate whilst everyone else gets on it
Old boy skipper – insisting on playing never have I ever
Old boy – outs his mate for shagging his cousin
KP – also drinks to roars of laughter
Old boy – also revealing to his mate of 30 years that he once shagged his sister
The shock – on the blokes face said 1000 words
KP and Joe – looking on like audience members on Jeremy Kyle
Bloke – seemingly unbothered about it all after a minute of contemplation
Old boys – Banging out an old song named Mr Murphy
Mr Murphy – An absolute tunani
Toasts – being raised by everyone
Toasting – leading to the oversesh
Whilst in the oversesh – food comes out
Food – destroyed instantly
Kaarage chicken – deleted
Sushi – inhaled
Out comes – the karaoke machine
The 4 fresh factor judges – smash Shine by take that
Ridge – murders a couple of bangers
Owen – got halfway through years and years before being yeeted off
Rav – sung 2 songs back to back
Rav – being afforded unreal respect as the leader of tour
Old boys – then chiming in with a nice rendition of New York New York.
Old boys – quickly disappearing as Jito dies
Clubmen – following them
TukTuks – negotiated back to the hotel
Many clubmen – head to the rooftop bar
Jede – heads to bed, after his head lulled out the side of the Tuktuk for 20 mins
Rory and Olly Warwick – pay their TukTuk driver the equivalent of £3 to let them drive it
Drink driving – never acceptable
But what a class – story to be able to tell
Rumours – Olly sped right through a police checkpoint
Rory – telling the TukTuk driver that of course he knowns how to ride one
Before – taking minutes to get started
At the rooftop – twat of tour is announced
Twat – Collins for not singing on the trip, ever
Other nominees – Ridge for regularly mixing up the non-white tour members, shiv for being village and Jede for oversesh
Winner of fines – Sharky
Most fined – Fraser
Fraser – will be donning whites home
Harry – the dress
Sash’s room – the winner of fines
Ben Harrison – the winner of the handicap
Both – refunded their fines money
Fresher challenges – also announced
Highlights – Fraser getting 50 selfies with Locals and Dec listing 50 times bird had moaned all tour
Other challenges – either weak or uncompleted
Post ceremony – many continued the oversesh before collapsing in their beds

Days 12&13: Back to reality

Finally – a late fucking start
Boys – under no pressure to depart the hotel until midday
Many – having a leisurely breakfast and nice nap/lie in
Check out – on the coach again
Travis – taking the boys to numerous souvenir shops
Randall – buying the tourist prizes
Everyone else – on the hunt for bargains
Sash – in the dress as a result of offending the old boys when he retired
Sash – getting a lot of attention from the sales assistant
Sohil – telling the sales assistant that Sash enjoys being called Emily and wears the dress regularly
Woman – confused but allowing
Sash – using this confusion to negotiate a banging deal on some gifts
Sales assistant – telling each clubman she’ll give them a special discount
Discount – not so special if everyone gets it
KP – finally getting an elephant
KP’s elephant – bigger than the others
Good things – come to those who wait (forget)
Jede – in a surprisingly good shape considering the night before
Lunch – needed by all
Sugar bistro – playing host to the boys
Burgers – decent
Pizzas – gun
Payment system – retarded
Waiters – not keeping tabs on what everyone ordered
Then – taking an age to act taxes and calculate the final price
The whole ordeal – taking in excess of an hour
Amogh – now in real danger of missing his earlier flight
Bills – eventually paid angrily
Coach – pulling up
Boys – piling on
Coach driver – going full fast and furious
Sash – sat at the back really impressed by the quality of the driving
Airport – made well in time
Emotional good byes to Travis – choked through
Security – passed through
Except ridge – of course
Ridge – confiscated of his right guard
Luggage – checked in with real ease this time round
Clubmen – head to the terminal in need of food
However – the airport is more expensive than one could ever imagine
16USD – for a burger king
El – sacko
Many electing for the cheapest thing to do – sit still
Flight – boarded
Journey to Doha – uneventful
Sash – being sprung with the classic plane odds of I’m not retarded
Sash – is not retarded
Qatar airways staff – may think different
Arrival in Doha – coinciding with the release of the exam timetable
Owen and Joe – both absent for Sports ball
Other clubmen – missing many a pop
Owen and Rav – selling their world cup tickets
Club day – already having to be moved
FDog – having an exam during dom tour
Mood – sour as fuck
Many – sulking in the terminal
Second flight – can’t come soon enough
Second flight – nap city bitch, nap nap city bitch
Arrival in the UK – sees Fraser running down the travellator appealing in his whites
Howzat?!?!?! – not out
Ojas – coming down with cramp in the passport control queue
Ben – ‘You see, what an excellent 12th man Fraser is, he’s already ready to come on’
Baggage reclaim – KP getting tapped up by a stranger
Stranger – recognises KP from his cricketing career
Stranger – trying to recruit KP for his bang ave side
Unlikely – fella
Ridge – getting welcomed back by an EDL member
EDL member – moaning to Ridge about people not speaking English in Thailand
EDL member – looks exactly how you’re imagining him
Subway – inhaled at the train station
Clubmen – letting reality spank them
The reality – is strong
Exams, essays and runs af – await many
Tour – awaits a special few next year