“I swear that guy is stealing the basket from Tesco?”
Ballo – observing a leam local exiting Tesco at the top of the parade with a basket full of un-bagged items
Lads – watching a security guy chasing after the leam local, realising that they have just witnessed daylight robbery
Criminal – once apprehended simply says ‘Ahhhh… you got me!”
Lads – can’t believe their eyes
Crime Rates – on the up
Chat – coming up with stupid names on the bus
Names – ridiculous and saved for later
Week 7 – seeing the return of dress up week, with Randall waiting until Saturday to unleash the “what did you want to be when you were older” theme
Club Aspirations – generally fucking low with footballers, builders and McDonalds workers all making appearances
Some – misinterpreting the brief
Tasty – rocking up as Hugh Heffner
Rajakanthan – showing up as a fosters can
Ridge – possibly the best costume of the night coming as a post box
Other Standouts – Owen (bob the builder), Northern Jono (wanting to be a barrister but coming in his current form of a costa barista), Timmo (a pimp), Thor (a Viking), Aragog (disappointing many not coming as a spider but as a sheikh)
Randall – showing up in normal clothes deceiving the whole of UWMCC
Roche – table bitch as punishment for his betrayal last week
Tables – schlotted
CR2 – all turning up in varsity theme as UWMCC pile upstairs in the complete opposite
UWMCC – amazed at Randall’s costume change into a thunderbird
GENTLEMEEEEN!!!! – simply loveleh
Hockey – chanting virgins at the club
UWMCC – can no longer hide behind the ‘we won CMD’ chant any more
Club – dead
MOTW – genuine whoppery
Roche – circled with womens hockey
Tasty – stupidly deciding to drink 3 turbo purples at real ale festival and chundering all over himself as soon as he hit the neon dancefloor
Choppy – absent from circle last week due to valentine’s day, which in itself is unacceptable, but not even going with a current girlfriend. An ex. Really?
Owen – nominated by a bitter Ridge for sliding into his girlfriend’s DM’s after some excellent words with friends play
Cheers – split between Roche, Tasty and Choppy
Wack off – Choppy surprisingly beating Roche and sending the dress to its rightful winner
Chains – created for sports (10 person chain), minimum wages (3), pilots (3), military (3), Mexicans (2) and inanimate objects (2)
New Game – 20+1
Gamble (Ridge) – Double Gamble Wack
Start – emphatic
Ridge – sending his double and pulling out a fantastic gamble
Gamble – Jimbob Turdbag
Ridge – has to change his name to Jimbob Turdbag on Facebook for the rest of the week
Rumours – unable to change this for 60 days
20+1 – inspirational Rules – odd numbers are a clap, even numbers are a nod of the head, multiples of 5 are a shake of the head
Words – get fucked
The Challenge – not whether to clap or nod your head, but more how far away from 20+1 you are Circle – struggling, especially with the added damage of chains
Roche – nearly 6 pints down after the first game
New Game – One Fat Frog
Gamble – Fresh 1 min challenge
Target – 53 between 22 incl. Randall
56 – reached as Southern Jono is given the 3 to nominate
Southern Jono – deliberately hitting the chains
1FF – Randall pleading for circle to reach round 3
Circle – barely reaching round 2
All hope – officially lost
Chains – really taking their toll with the sportsmen resembling zombies already
Game – Face Down Eyes Up
Gamble (Ballo) – 24 Hour Costume
24Hr Costume – do I actually need to explain it?
Ballo – stranded as an athlete in fluorescent yellow and headbands
FDEU – uneventful with many just seemingly staring into space at this point

Dilhan – sent into the hole by tasty
Bancrofts boys – always playing with each-others holes
Thor – breaking all of the doors in the toilets looking for a mate
Timmo – slowly undoing more and more buttons on his shirt throughout recess
Rory – looking more like a stripper than a policeman and noticeably getting more welsh as the sesh kicked in
Thor – revealing that the sword and shield that he’d ordered off amazon was expected to be life size, however turned out to be made for 3 year olds

Roche – doubling, of course yes
Chains – broken
Randall – seeing that Toby has come as Harry Potter and steals his wand before casting a powerful spell on Tasty
Randall – waving the wand around in the air majestically before casting the “wack” spell
Tasty – wacking
New Game – PLD
SuperGamble – Rainbow Road (Good)
RR(g) – differeing from RR(bad) in the sense that the gambler did not have to take part
The Chosen Ones – The Express, Milfman, Aragog and Ridge
VK’s – lined up with Timmo sent downstairs to be adjudicator
Absolute Scenes – as UWMCC’s version of the village people (pilot, rugby player, sheikh and post-box) seem to be chasing each other around the entirety of the Copper Rooms
Aragog – seemingly always on top, with Ridge a close second
Ridge – chunders all over the table mid 3rd VK but soldiers on like an absolute post box
Aragog – taking the win and 10 to nominate, sending two Tasty’s way
Tasty – a dangerous enemy considering his plans for adoptions
PLD – poopam
Team Turner – sclotting a 240 and having 4 to nominate
Probert – yet again absent for his go in darts and demanding a 1v1
Probert – winning his 1v1 against idk who
New Game – DDM
Gamble (Lewis) – Jack Ridge’s Assistant
Jubilation – Dan must now run the line for Ridge on Sunday as he officiates the Womens Football varsity game vs Cov
Lewis – getting his excuses in that it’s his Dads 50th so a poll is created to see which fresh is voted the real Ridge’s assistant
Northern Jono – the chosen one
DDM – Bozza losing again because he is an absolute stickler for tradition and insists on keeping his pint at the end of the table while selecting his victim
Merriman – inevitably selected at some point
New Game – ICICN
Gamble (Boz) – THAT IS MY DAUGHTER!!!
TIMD! – after attending his own fathers graduation recently, Choppy Lawson found himself sat next to a very proud African family in the presentation. As an African girl goes up to collect her scroll the family erupt, with copious amounts of tribal screaming and the father eventually yells to the whole crowd, ‘THAT IS MY DAUGHTER’. Boz must now run to another circle and pick out any random girl and try and steal her while screaming the now famous saying
Boz – not ballsy enough and returns to circle empty handed
Randall – sending a quad Boz’s way for a huge amount of misplaced expectation
Circle – standing up and wacking with Boz as many scream “THAT IS MY BOZZA”
Nigerian Accent – essential
ICICN – Premier League Refs, IPL/BBL franchises and Harry Potter Characters
Oli Warwick – claiming Norther Jono on a meagre 20 Harry Potter Characters and made to double when he reeled them off in about 5 seconds
Circle – fuming as they wanted to see many more named
Om Menom – at circle for once so shout out to you

Recess – called
Harry Riley – remaining sat in circle just staring at his one remaining pint with a real grimace on his face
Owen – only just realising why people buy VK’s before the start of 3rd
Merriman’s Police Hat – becoming a real target for many clubmen
Northern Jono – auctioning off his lino role with Southern Jono an interested party with a £5 offer
Southern Jono – hopefully has a few drinks before
Raj – standing up and getting Choppy and Tasty to look over
Raj – pulling his costume like a kilt to reveal both bollocks
Tasty – punching Raj square in the nuts, sending Raj into a world of trouble

3rd – yet again leaving many clubmen questioning if this even happened
New Game – Mexican Wack Off
Gamble (Boz) – Slip Cordon
Bozza – electing left handed batting to stitch as many fresh as possible
Marcin – doubling
Fresher Clobber – stumbling through a tricky triple
Mexican Wack Off – similar to previous weeks with the player having to schlot his cup before the next person wakcs with the loser having to do 2 shots of tequila
Merriman – ever the early target with many missing their first attempt
The Wack Off – reaching an exciting climax as Sash thinks he’s being clever by taking his time in order to kim the express
Randall – slapping Sash’s cup away from the bin as he throws it, meaning that if Merriman can schlot he would not lose for once
Merriman – up for the challenge as he puts years of disappointment behind him and sends Sash
Circle – mental
New Game – Kraus’ Cricket
Gamble – Chattle clearly winning but Randall refusing his gamble because he still hasn’t done his last fucking gamble
Chattle – any of lecture wackture?
Gamble (Bird) – Too Close to Call
Bird – electing Probert vs Randall
Circle – split, with about half backing each wacker
Probert – winning, giving Bird 22 to nominate
Randall – turns around to find Merriman in circle trying to retrieve his hat
Merriman – punished with a pint
Kraus’ Cricket – bounds set at the usual
Fresh – yet again the cause of an early wobble, with UWMCC stuttering at 11-3
Recovery – nice
Bozza – ecstatic for the privilege that is 60
Circle – collapsing in a heap, all out for 63
Wickets – doubling
Merriman – once again finding himself in the middle of circle searching for his hat
Randall – punishing Merriman with his 2rd pint for circle intrusion
Merriman – going on to not learn his lesson and enter circle another 2 or 3 times, each of which met with a wack
New Game – Reverse Sherwin Ball maybe
Gamble (Raj) – hotel back yourself
HBY – pointless as Raj doesn’t even carry his keys on him
RSB – might not have even happened come to think of it
Speed 20+1 – evolving into speed roman numerals and also speed 1FF
Merriman – somehow finding himself in the middle of micro circle and made to wack by remaining players
Circle – decimated

Megamix – run by anyone and everyone in Randall’s absence
Randall – trying to rekindle last year with UWMCC running the health and welfare stand
Ellen Holmes – having absolutely none of it
Ellen Holmes – just a shit Chloe Wynne
Bints – again present in megamix
Clubmen and particularly fresh – its megamix, not megachix so tell them to fuck off
Pop! – loose
Tasty – worrying that he forget to let Dilhan out of the hole
Southern Jono – aiming to help Randall with his chirpse
Southern Jono – walks over and claims that his stethoscope is real and works
Girl – impressed
Southern Jono – pleased that his con has worked, places the listening implement to Randall’s crotch
Southern Jono – “hmmm yes 20 inches” and runs off
Rouge Bar – creasing
Roche –experiencing an incredible second wind, up at the bar ordering more drinks
Fresh – migrating to the front of Pop
Everyone else – settling in at Rouge Bar
Mens Toilets – blocked as fuck as a lake opens up in the middle
Choppy – prepping himself for a swim to the urinals before the bouncer sees impending danger and kicks everyone out of the toilets
Choppy – sprinting to the toilets outside
Ridge – sat at the front of pop in his post-box costume with many passers-by clearly fooled by the masterclass in urban camouflage given by Jimbob Turdbag
Merriman – pulling at least 5 times
Merriman? – more like Merriman-whore
Fresh – continuing their running theme of posts at poor Southern Jono’s AV2 flat
Week 7 – the week where the flat have had enough
One flatmate – appearing and hurling abuse at the boys, saying that this happens every week and ruins her Thursday 9am
My apologies – extending to the special snowflake
Harry – making the situation worse by asking ‘who invited this bint’
Harry – becoming AV enemy number 1
Special Snowflake – threatning to go and get the residential tutor to kick out a pilot, a doctor and a postbox from AV unless Southern Jono can do something about it
Southern Jono – runs to his room and produces his cricket bat
Southern Jono – proceeds to attempt to diffuse the situation by playing a series of aggressive forward defensives aimed at his flatmate, pushing her back closer and closer to her room
Snowflake – blocked away successfully
AV Posts – live on for another week
Harry – somehow slapped in the process
U1 – rammed
Randall – deciding to run his own megamix on the bus with a strong club presence
Law Soc. Social Sec – an aggressive little man, deciding to tell the whole bus that they are ‘embarrassing cunts’ for singing and aggressively suggesting that we should stop ‘or else’
Whole U1 – obviously getting louder and louder and beginning to direct many ‘you’re ugly’ chants at him
German Bombers – shot down
Randall – deciding to change the words of the last round to “there was one fucking cunt on the bus”
Situation – quickly escalating as the whole U1 gets behind the chant
Bloke and his mate – throwing punches and catching Roachy
Roche – seeing red
Let the Battle – begin
U1 – stopping at the church where everyone piles off
Randall – stepping off the bus to see one of the twats being held in a headlock by a man dressed as a fosters can
Roche – wading in, MOTW dress flowing
Reremy Joche – the hero the U1 needed but didn’t deserve
UWMCC – prepping for a huge varsity weekend
Cricket – important
Football – officiated by Ridge and Southern Jono (after a few pints)
Anything – could happen

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