Our Lord of the sesh,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy Bint will come,
thy wack be done,
on earth as it is in rouge bar.
Give us this day our daily sesh,
and forgive us our chops,
as we forgive those who chop against us,
and lead us not into women’s hockey,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the purple,
and the jäger,
and the VK,
for ever and ever,
Wack.
(The Holy Sesh, 2018)
Prayers – answered
UWMCC – snaking Lacrosse so hard in order to keep themselves in CR2
Randall – A miracle worker?
Inter-club Relations – well and truly dead in a world of backstabbing snakes
PCD – enjoyed by many fresh in celebration
Randall – opting for an 8% cider with his dinner
8% cider – wacked, a poor life choice
Collins – pulling out the week old guacamole that wasn’t used last week
Best Before – Pop
Excitement – building as the gamble pot is written
Raj – turning up with a 1 all over, losing the crazy hairstyle we are all accustomed to
Roche – table bitch in an uncontested week
Tables – already set up by the SU this week, with Cricket placed in their usual spot and given 8 tables
SU – competent for once
Womens Hockey – dominating CR2 with an 80 person circle
20:09 – a new record for a circle start time
All – seemingly too good to be true
GENTLEMEEEEEN!!! – supercalifragilisticexpialiwack
MOTW – fresh dominated for the 3rd week in a row
Aragog – nominated for being Warwick’s most wanted. After a tough day of being Aragog, he decides that the best way to kick back and relax is to go down to the river behind JM for a bit of 420 blaze it action with some flatmates. After a short while has passed, Aragog is suitably chonging out his nut and sees 2 large dark figures approaching from the distance. The group aren’t phased until the figures turn on a light and start shouting at them, revealing that they are campus security. Aragog’s mates peg it but his conscience tells him to do otherwise as he stops and waits for his captures. However, he then realises that’s a bad idea so he too pegs it. A wanted man, Aragog runs around campus looking for a safe place to hide, realising that he doesn’t have his key with him and that he is covered in mud, he makes a beeline for an open laundry room where he proceeds to sit and wait for a couple of hours before using the full cover of darkness and a returning uni express group to make it safely home.
Owen – nominated for bringing a girl back to his room after a long hard graft at Kasbah on Monday. The pair are both up for some fun but first, Owen decides to turn on the PS4 and start an important career mode game away at Besiktas in the champo league. Perplexed, the girl sits and watches Owen go 2-0 down before deciding to sack it and go home. Fool.
Aragog – taking the dress
Southern Jono – doubling for some jeans
New Game – Roman Numerals
Gamble (Northern Jono) – accidental blue
AB – after finally receiving stash, Timmo opens up the box to find 3 black mid-layers have turned up blue.
Akuma – truly wank
Northern Jono – 3 blue VK’s
N-Jono – deciding to take the straws out and make the task much harder than it needed to be
Freshen Up – turning into a form of Chicago as Randall starts taking suggestions for new verses of the song
No sanitation – no penetration
VK’s – taking about 5 mins
XXI – starting up
Sood – wacking quickly and setting off ‘Hey Sood’ across the whole copper rooms very early on
New rule – Ethnic Wacking where if someone the same skin colour as you fucks up, you wack
Debates – ensuing as questions over Merriman’s brown status come to the fore
Sash – also asked to indicate his race and opting for ‘mixed’ meaning all round wacks for him
Ethnic Wacking – taking its toll on the whites as 3 consecutive fuck ups send many for new pints
Rav and Kieron Patel – high fiving over ethnic roots
Ivan – struggling to deal with the injustice
4-in-a-row – making the whole circle wack and taking many (including Randall) into a vegetative state in the first game
Curtis – the only member of UWMCC to have yet to wack after the first game
New Game – begged for
New Game – 1 Fat Frog
Game – well met by many circlers
Gamble (Bozza) – Double Gamble Wack
Chants – beginning
Boz – sending the first two with ease as he dips back into the pot
Gamble – Where’s Choppy?
Where’s Choppy? – in light of the fact that Chopps has a few essays to write this week and with an impending exec circle on Friday, Choppy decided to take the week off and spend it in the library. Bozza has 15 mins to go and find Choppy and take a selfie with him.
Boz – sending his 3rd wack before setting off on an adventure to find the little man
1FF – parameters set as a double for everyone if the 3rd round is not reached
Circle – tense
Fresh – fucking up so many times in the 2nd round
3rd years – anxious as yet another round reaches the danger point
Circle – celebrating as they finally reach the target as the game is put to bed
Thor – wacking but losing much of his pint down his beard
New Game – OneDie
Gamble (Ballo) – nominate Powerplay
Ballo – having a long hard think before ensuring total circle destruction by electing Tasty to run 3rd session
OneDie – underestimated by many as a drinking game
Fingers – saved up and handed out at free will
Tasty – having a stormer rolling 3 6’s in a row and picking on Fresh
Randall – joining up gaps in circle by rolling
Sash – going mental as Randall rolls 3 3’s in a row, sending himself into a sesh induced coma
Recess – needed
Boz – messaging the group
Everyone – excited
Message – “can someone get me pints for 2nd session, won’t be back for the start and I couldn’t find Choppy anywhere”
Choppy – on the top floor
Toppy Lawson – too many stairs away from Bozza
Lewis – going to the bar and complaining about the quality of first session purple
SU – opting for a third of each measure and really fucking it
2nd Session – starting abruptly as a rogue start of gentlemen induces everyone to run over and sit down
Boz – returning
New Game – Duck Duck Moose
SuperGamble – claiming another gambler who appears to be talking with their hands at the wrong moment
SuperGamble (Raj) – avengers assemble
AA – Raj gets to select his team of Avengers to take on a devilish challenge which included a Hulk challenge (2 green VKs with 2 shots of Jager), a Black Widow (pint of coke with 2 shots of sambuka) and a spiderman challenge
Aragog – Hulk
Sood – Black widow
Kinners – Spiderman
Thor – also added in with a measly double
Team – sent to get their drinks while in the meantime UWMCC did their charitable best for RAG Week
Charity Pot – produced as many have a stack of £1 coins ready to go
Toby – an early target and after cancelling out 4 of his own pints, simply accepts a double and starts sending pints back
Raj – ushering Randall over, “whatever happens, come to me last”
Ballo – brandishing a £5 note
Ballo – sending all 5 to Dan Lewis
Lewis – no £1’s to counter, in a world of trouble
Conflicts – arising with bidding wars taking place in order to minimise the damage
Raj – getting his wish as he wacks out a £10 note
Raj – sending 5 to Roachey in the knowledge that he had burned all of his cash earlier
Roach – only able to cancel out one
Raj – distributing the rest to people who had few pints
Owen – ending up with a load
Wacks – occurring with Roach and Lewis struggling through
Roach – managing 3
Lewis – completing 5 wacks very impressively but also writing himself off in the process
£105.60 – raised for RAG in a top effort
UWMCC – surely club of the year
Avengers – returning and completing their challenge
Kinners – completing his Spiderman challenge twice for comical effect
Kinners – giving the people what they want, even if it isn’t microwaves, kettles and Yorkshire puds
DDM – finally starting
Ballo – “duck duck duck dangerchair” as he falls through his chair and circle erupts
Lewis – chuckling as he gets his revenge for the 5 pints
DDM – slow as many are either throwing up or getting more pints
New Game – PLD
Gamble (Southern Jono) – steal a wack
SaW – Southern Jono must run to another upstairs circle and steal a pint off someone and wack it in front of their face
Sober Southen Jono – would have found this hard
Sent Southern Jono – grinning, sprints over to ladies hockey and completes his task manfully
Many – expecting repercussions, however he gets away with it
Jono Brook – more like Jono Crook
PLD – split into 2 big 8v8 team games
First – a close game with Team Merriman taking a 5-4 victory
Second – Team Boz losing 2-0, a shocking effort not schlotting even 1/8 cups
Randall – sad that he missed out, challenges Ballo to a 1v1
Bin – placed at one end of circle
The pair – at the other
Ballo – loses on speed and misses his cup, Randall winning 1-0
Ballo – returns to his chair to be dangerchaired again
Atmosphere – electric
New Game – Home or Away
Gamble (Owen) – La Decima
Owen – way too drunk to gamble at this point but continuing nonetheless and making a real hash of things, throwing up his first pint back into his cup
Owen – undeterred, wacks his chunder and then makes a start on the 2nd pint
Time – ticking
Owen – finishes with a new club worst of 2:26 seconds for the 10 second challenge
HoA – questions including Steve Smith’s 1 wicket in 1 ball record versus which batsman? Which championship football ground hosted a test match in 1902? All the capital cities of countries ending in ‘stan’ (7) and the last 5 best picture Oscar Winners
Ivan – valiantly naming 5 capitals
Turner – not getting Sachin Tendulkar
Recess
Tasty – readying himself for his second coming
Fresh – nervous
The Rest – even more nervous at the prospect of a heavy 3rd session on top of an already heavy circle
The Dictasty – ready
VK’s – smuggled all over the shop
3rd Session – underway
Ballo – late back to circle and tries to sneak in without being noticed
All – going so well for an incognito Ballo until he sits on danger chair for the 3rd time
Lewis – going crazy
Ballo – a shell of a man
New Game – Kraus’ Cricket
Gamble – Mexican Wack Off
MWO – taking a twist with a new rule enforced that if you miss the bin after you’ve finished, you go again
MKO – becoming a game
Loser – can’t remember
Gamble – again as that basically turned into a game
Gamble (Boz, again) – Facebook live triple
Gamble – does what it says on the tin, Boz has to go live and complete his triple in front of an online audience
Boz – polishing off the three before making a hasty exit to the loos
Audience – Boz amassing a total of 42 viewers
Georgia – tuning in, commenting ‘please don’t vom’
Tasty – creasing
Boz’s nan – a tech-savvy 86-year-old, also tuning in
Boz – receiving a text from his mum: “r u ok? Nan’s just seen a video and says I wouldn’t like it”
Kraus’ Cricket – awful but some would say you could blame it on high levels of sesh
Maths – non existent
UWMCC – 39 a/o
All – doubling
New Game – Back to Wack
Gamble – The Big Tasty vs Little Owen Belly Button Shot Race Challenge (or something like that)
BTvLOBBS – a real heavyweight battle involving Rav and Northern Jono having a race to see who could finish a shot out of their respective belly buttons quicker
Owen – deeper bellybutton meaning more tongue action for Rav
Darbs – equally large and heavy
Northern Jono – using all of Tasty’s experience and sending his shot with good speed
Rav – gutted
B2W – no idea tbh, probably something about shit lids etc.
New Game – speed 20+1
Gamble – fuck knows
Wack and Leave – enforced
Sofas – looking like a Syrian refugee camp at this point, littered with clubmen seeking aid
Randall – takes victory
Megamix – run by Tasty as Randall sorts out the charity pot
Pop – loose with a lot of hat stealing
Olly Warwick – can’t contain his excitement for Darbados as he talks to any and every one he can find about the impending tour
Rory – seen running around Pop with surplus VKs at almost all times throughout the night
Bints – on the backburner as UWMCC have a real club night with front left locked down for good
Tasty – seen in the toilets exclaiming that he can piss in the empty VK bottle in the urinal
VK bottle – missed
Urinal – also missed as Tasty ends up pissing on the floor
Ridge – still drinking his purples from earlier
Matt Thomas – still offering his flatmates up to the club, eager for some UWMCC romance in his flat
Posts – Southern Jono’s again
Southern Jono – still without cooking stuff so has nothing left to lose
Rav – beginning to create a whole team of freshers on Don Bradman Cricket
Ridge – uncontrollably crying
Fresh – seeking as to why
Ridge – just emotional and has absolutely no reason to be crying but getting loads of sympathy
Noise – off the chart as Randall and Collins leave to raid JM3 for food
The Pair – caught in Curtis’ old kitchen and scarper
Theft – becoming ever more present
Running away – generally the only option
UWMCC – will never be caught