“Oh fuck me, what on earth is that?!”
Everyone – looking around
Tasty – turning up with officially the greatest paedo tash of the year
Movember – reaching a climax as many clubmen are able to show off their months hard work
Hair Growth – poor, poor to fair in places
Reality – UWMCC raising over £2000 for charity and completely sending all other clubs by at least double this year and reaching a respectable 8th in the country for university teams
Chat – turning to how Kinners and Niall have both managed to snag seats on the judging panel for CMD
3 in a row – written in the stars? Only time will tell…
PCP – smaller than previous weeks but turnout no longer fooling anybody as everyone just knows circle is always a big one
Fresh – nervous about the upcoming cheeky fresh after odds had been released during the previous week
Fresher Northern Jono – “I think I might just bring a spare shirt to change into after the competition”
Bozza – incensed
Choppy – also looking very much like David Brent with his goatee
Bozza – bringing his mate up from home
Bozza’s mate – displaying a class beard and making many men feel inadequate about their upper lip growth
Rumours – Womens Football have booked chill out, leaving CR2 with Cricket, both Hockeys, Lacrosse and CMD + smaller shitter clubs to battle it out for tables, chairs and space
Randall – deciding that 2 table bitches were required this week, electing a mixture of experience and brute force with Turner and Thor
Randall – “we shall fight them on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight them in rouge bar, up the stairs and we shall fight them in chill out if we have to. We shall never surrender!”
Turner and Thor – ready for the upcoming fight
Gameplan – Thor and Turner go for tables, Randall goes for bin + chairs
Stewards – letting the now huge crowd of ‘social secs’ up the stairs
Lads – jostling for position as Thor shows excellent speed up the stairs for a big man
Turner – “go go gadget arms” as the slenderman’s reach is a huge asset
Randall – bee-lines for a stack of chairs
Rendezvous – the hallowed turf
Thor – makes it, with an incredible 4 tables in hand
Turner – eventually fights his way through a crowd with a respectable 3
Randall – much like Mad Max, driving his way through CR2, evading many potential captors in the process
Rendezvous – complete
Mission – only just beginning as many clubs send out scouts to snipe tables and chairs
Reinforcements – make their way to the bloodbath to find a tired, bloody, yet triumphant table bitch team
Problems – predictable with 45 hungry seshmen turn up to a circle that can literally only fit 30 circlers in
Lacrosse – only managing 1 table and 7 chairs, making many men feel much better about life
Lacrosse – fuck off back to chill out
Questions – how do we fit everyone else into circle?
Answer – 5 to a table, a fucked shape and Thor to sit pretty much inside circle
Ash Hughes – remember him?
Ash – turns up for his first circle in literally a year, although he seemed lost and more like he’d stumbled upon circle
GENTLEMEN!!! – ènorme
MOTW – leaving everyone disappointed as Lewis has not turned up to face the fire
Tasty – nominated for friendlies related foolery. With Captain Merriman asking Tasty to replicate a fired up Shoab Akthar for the next few balls, Tasty decides to charge in and demonstrate his true 100m in 10.74 seconds ability. As he reaches his delivery stride, many see that el Taste is dangerously tight to the stumps at the non-strikers end and as he sends down what can only be described as a 51mph firebolt, he sends himself into the middle of next week as he clatters into the stumps ay his end, sending ripples through the whole of Desso.
Millman – nominated for Neon noobiness. As poor Fresher Harry has found out in recent weeks, UWMCC is full of snakes ready to steal all of your hard graft and chirpse. Trust nobody. Not even the seemingly harmless Milfman. As Fresher Harry sets to work on the latest project, Millman clocks and starts stalking his pray. He waits until the perfect moment when Harry turns around and he swoops in, stealing the girl and Fresher Harrys chances for yet another night. Freshen Up.
Thor – nominated for weaving an intricate web of lies to keep at least two girls on the chirpse at once. However, as we all know, it just takes one slip before it all unravels and you find yourself caught up in the proverbial shit storm. After deciding that he wanted to play hardball with one girl, he sets to work on his other juan on the same night. It transpires that she isn’t up for Thor’s hammer blow tonight and he is quoted saying that his decision to go for her tonight was ‘regrettable’ to which said juan found out. Thor then spent the rest of his night running away from both girls, as somehow they keep finding more and more out about each other. Oops.
Roche – nominated for reaching new levels of unbearableness that even Murphy cant aspire to reach. After a long hard Saturday night organising cricket ball and dealing with the shit cunt that Monty Panesar turned out to be, Randall just wanted to let his hair down and enjoy his time at LuvBug. After losing about 6 VK races in a row, Randall decides to try his chances with a ladybird, only to have any chances of a chop curtailed by a punch to the cock and balls from Jeremy ‘the cunt’ Roach (for the 2nd time this year). As Randall is doubled over in a world of trouble, the bouncer comes over and kicks Randall out (for the 2nd time this year) as he looks like he is going to be sick. Fuck you Roche.
Clive – nominated for sucking Monty’s cock all of cricket ball and being generic slimy agent with an awful story to finish. 1/10, would never hire again.
Cheers – similar for all so the classic wack-off ensues.
Merriman – elected as Clive in what seemed a harsh move
Merriman – sends Millman in the wack off
Pandemonium – ensues, with many wacking in salute to the express
New Game – Roman Numerals
Gamble (Fresher Owen) – Slip Cordon
Turner – hit with an early triple
Fresher Ivan – finishing his double at the same time as Turner’s 3
RN – possibly the biggest shitshow ever
New Rules – none as XXI was not reached once
4 in a rows – 2 in a row
Randall – even cocking up at one point as Rajakanthan says V, VI with literally no gap, sounding like VVI
Everyone – wacking as Randall has had enough incompetence
New Game – Arrogance
Gamble (Ballo) – Queen and Castle
Q&C – Ballo is handed a receipt for a meal for two at a classy local establishment where one UMWCC member has taken a girl on a rather spenny fist date. Ballo then has two guesses as to which wopper spent that much and didn’t chop.
Bill – £70 in total, including a £25 bottle of white, some venison and one of those chocolate melty pudding things that would probably make most females lose their shit
Ballo – “hmmmmmm…. Rajakanthan?”
Raj – a respectable guess, alas, no
Ballo – “hmmmmmm…. Even Tasty isn’t that stupid… Thor?”
Thor – correct
Thor – doubling
Arrogance – many cups sent around circle, with plenty of men succumbing to the incorrect call
Mihir – generally wrong
Millman – always right, should be 1’s captain
The Song writing committee – hard at work during their down time, coming up with some real bangers and Christmas hits
Arsenal – going from 1-0 to 5-0 in seeminly minutes
Arrogance – heavy with many arrogant clubmen
New game – Black Black White
Gamble – Fresh 1 min Challenge (start of 2nd)
BBW – most now seemingly getting the rules, as certain fresh now becoming more confident with their answers
Merriman – still absolutely no clue about the Wednesday rule
Tasty – texted the ‘black black black’ rule by Curtis in his absence
Murphy – “shouldn’t a black black black just be followed by a white white white?”
Murphy – made to wack for racism
Some – now reaching the point of needing pints/toilet breaks
Routes to Bar/Loos – completely blocked off from all sides as CR2 is literally packed
Randall – allowing many clubmen to crawl through circle on all fours as many ‘Great Escape’ chants are set off
Bar – full
One more game – required
New Game – Face Down Eyes Up
Gamble (Roche) – International Cock or Ball
Roche – ecstatic
Chant – long overdue
Roachy – rummaging around in his trousers as he looks for the perfect appendage to con circle
Roachy – parading around circle, genitals in hand
90% – standing for a cock
5% – sitting for ball
5% – freshers having no idea what is going on
Roach – revealing that it is, in fact, his balls on show
Circle – wacking, with many impressed at the level of cock or ball on show
FDEU – matches aplenty
Most – giving big shout outs to who they would be looking at
Most – trying to call peoples bluff and failing
Super Face Down Round – dreaded after a long and heavy first session
Merriman and Mallows – a match made in heaven and a great way to finish the session

Recess – with no available sofas, many clubmen have to stay in circle for recess

2nd – underway with the Fresh 1 min Challenge
18 fresh – target 44
Target – harsh but fair as the fresh have surpassed their target in the previus weeks
Randall – clarifying with each individual fresh that he will no longer fetch thrown cups as that is now just stupid
Fresher Northern Jono – wacks and throws his pint
Fresher Northern Jono – incompetent
Randall – standing firm
Fresh – reaching an unfortunate 43, with Northern Jono rightly taking it upon himself to get them over the line
New Game – Premier League Darts
Super Gamble (Fresher Toby) (Bold) – Double Guinness Shoe Boat
Guinness – sold out
Double Double Vodka Buka Shoe Boat – now a thing
Fresher Toby – wacking to the tune of Shoe-are-ya?
Fresher Toby – pained
PLD – gun
Game 1 – a nice little 4-1 for team Mihir including a naughty little 180
Fresher Kieron Patel – sending a double Millman’s way without hesitation
Game 2 – a much closer encounter as Team Ozanne win 3-2
Smaller, oddly shaped circle – conducive to more exciting darts
Game 3 – Team Merriman takes a 5-4 thriller including a 180 to boot
Pints – sent Fresher Owens way
New Game – ICICN
Gamble (Choppy) – The Purple of Life
TPoL – in homage to the upcoming CMD routine, Choppy would be lifted into the air to the tune of the circle of life, and do a pint
ICICN – People more unbareable than Murphy
Claimed – after 1, however for bants sent round
Freshers – confidently sending ICICN’s round circle with clearly no idea whats going on
Fresher Northern Jono – adjudged to be as unbearable as Murphy
ICICN – One member of the England Lions squad
Chris Robshaw – nope, not known for his lower order hitting as much
Fresher Krishan – “I’ve got nothing left”
ICICN – umpires signals, with proof
Ballo – claimed on 38
Ballo – insistent that he tries as many as possible before he succumbs to le sesh
Sittampalam – breaking out of nowhere
Om Menom – staring onominomonously at Choppy, knowing whats coming next
New Game – DDM
Randall – “who wants a wack”
Fresher Amogog – falling for the 3rd consecutive attempt at a gamble
Gamble – Jins
Jins – anyone that had been to Jins in the past week would have to wack a Gin and Tonic
Roche – surprising everyone having not been in over a week
Jins – currently in its deepest depression since the war
G&Ts – unsurprisingly not a great one to wack
DDM – going on for a while as Randall insists he wants to be Moosed
Nobody – moosing Randall
Rogue Gamble – to finish the session
Gamble – Merriman throws his hands out at some presumable injustice and catches the eye of Randall
Gamble (Merriman) – L+R Magic Roundabout
L+R Magic Roundabout – more like the L+R Magic Merrimangoround
Merriman – so weak that he is basically the one being spun round and just gets incredibly dizzy while the others wack

Tasty, Probert, Randall, Inth and Chattle – having a 5 way wack off to see where they all place
Randall – surpassing all odds and taking Bronze while Chattle and Tasty take the top spots
Chattle – “my highlight of circle… possibly my life… was beating Tasty last year”
Bozza – MIA to take a probable 2nd/3rd place

3rd Session – let battle commence
New Game – Reverse Sherwin Ball
Gamble – Famous Steves
Famous Steves – a slight variation on famous Davids
Notable Steves – Steven Finn, Steve-o, The Pirate Steve from Dodgeball, Seasick Steve, Stephen Hawking
The list – literally never-ending
Rajakanthan – stands up
Raj – “STOOOONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN” as he doubles and then cracks the two cups above his head
Raj – legend
RSB – funny as a couple of three way matches occur
The number – 17
Fresher Ivan – “TWELVE”
Fresher Ivan – told to sit down and wack
Fresher Rory – deliberately wanting to be in the last few
Fresher Rory – made to wack for cockiness
New Game – One Fat Slag
Fake Gamble – Big Tasty Powerplay
Gamble (Roche) – Double Gamble Smack
DGS – essentially the same as a classic Double Gamble Wack, only that instead of the final pint, Roche has to go to Thursday Smack
Roche – doubles, and pulls out… DOUBLE GAMBLE WACK
Tasty – seeing sense, allows Roche to gamble again and pull out The Traitor Double
Anyone – caught circling with another society (even not on a Wednesday) would be doubling
Eyes – all looking at Mihir
Mihir – knows that cricket are better than futsal but still tries to split himself between the two
Mihir – you can’t split this double fella
Roche – have fun at smack
1FS – still surprising fresh to this day as the game speeds up and circle is brought to a swift conclusion by the presence of a bouncer staring at Tasty
Megamix – megamessy
Fresh – still premature during Angels

Christmas hats – a plenty
Ballo – seen 5 minutes in with 4 hats, a mini Christmas tree and some tinsel around his neck
Old habits – die hard
Fresher Ollie – joining the klepto-crew as he is taken under Ballo’s wing
Many – hard on the grind tonight as the slight Christmassy spirit takes hold of the fresh
Thor – getting to work on the RAG president
Roche – looking for braces
Metal Detector – required
Fresher Owen – picking up where he left off with his flatmate
Merriman – can’t find Probert anywhere
Bromance – dead?
Merriman – whispers to Owen, “do you want to swap partners?”
Fresher Owen – looks up to see a steaming Rajakanthan being held up by the Express
Fresher Owen – on this occasion, not taking one for the team
Fresher Southern Jono – trying to teach many members of UWMCC the difference between Yiddish and Hebrew
Everybody – none the wiser
Mens toilet – literally flooded to the point that SU staff were ferrying people across the seshy sea in order to reach the urinals
Fresher Marcin – trying to jump from dry land to dry land and failing, splashing the entirety of the toilets
Toilets – closed soon after
Panic – setting in as the new toilet location is now more than a 30 second trip away
Fresher Rav – going up to a group of girls and trying to chirpse, but having a complete brain fart
Fresher Rav – “so do you like my girthy tash?”
Girl – not impressed
Randall & Tasty – sat on the famous Rouge Bar perch
SU worker – “guys you can’t sit on there, we need access” as the lads stand to let her hop over
Su worker – completely stacks it over the edge, literally falling into the bin
Randall – nearly chokes on his pint as Tasty has to take him away to a safer laughing place as the pair can’t stop creasing
Roche – having not learned his lesson about punching his own club members, dances his way over to Fresher Jack and has a little jab to the left nut
UWMCC – will now have to wear their boxes to any night out
Roachy – better be wearing his helmet as someone is going to swing for him
Murphy – taking the stealing to a new extreme as he posts on the chat
00:18 – “lads, I have stolen a girls top during Baywatch, is it morally wrong to keep it”
Many – can’t even respond
Topless girl – probably offered a couple of Christmas hats for each tit by the Ballo/Ollie partnership
Turner – officially somehow turns as white as he was at Cricket Ball last year
First Aiders – not sure whether to resuscitate or just take his jagerbomb away
Turner – managing to block his own eating at warwick card despite not having lost it
Fresher Sash – going round all the 2nd/3rd years asking if Goodyear did actually chop his sister after the chant that came out during circle (check bulletin board for further details)
Seb Sander – absent as he is planning the challenges for cheeky fresh next week
Some – wondering if we can actually bet purple next week with the odds provided
Bus – Jallows spotted with his juan, deffo punching
Fresh – decided that week 9 purple is an aphrodisiac and are all randy little fuckers
Most – not ending up in their own beds
Chops – a plethora
Choppy – ugly
Cheeky – training beginning

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