Chronicles of Circle 5 – Democracy

Democracy splits opinion worldwide and for good reason. It has caused some questionable outcomes in recent times, Donald Trump and Brexit (unless you’re Charlie Yorke-Starkey) to name but a few. But it is also responsible for some great changes – women’s right to vote (#bintsarepeopletoo), legalisation of marijuana in certain US states (Gujar soon to move to Washington) and last but certainly not least, Microwaves in the library. However, democracy is often taken for granted. It wasn’t that long ago that democracy was rare and dictators were commonplace. Stories of these dictatorships being overthrown by brave individuals are famous around the world, but none quite as famous as the dethroning of Genghis Khan.

The year was 1227 and Genghis Khan was at the height of his power, having united the Silk Road under one political union. With no end to his reign looking likely, the opposition had only one secret weapon remaining. A warrior, feared by the Mongol empire for his brutality, having amputated the limbs of 1000’s of soldiers in battle. No one knew his real name. They knew him only by his battle name – Little Choppy Lawson. Having received training from the best teachers in the land, Choppy Lawson devised a plan to rid the world of Genghis Khan once and for all. Under the cover of night, Choppy Lawson infiltrated the Mongol camp and snuck into the throne room. Once there, he took out his trusty axe and sawed away one of the legs of the throne. Having hired a mathematical advisor, Jeremy Roach, to calculate the impact force of the Dangerthrone, Choppy knew that the impact would indeed be fatal. He then returned to the darkness and awaited the arrival of Genghis Khan. Genghis stumbled into the throne room at around 1am in a drunken stupor, having just finished a round of Mystery Shot with his closest advisors in celebration of their latest conquest. His drunken state left him unable to notice the damage done to his almighty throne. As expected, his darbmentum carried poor Genghis through the chair, only to be impaled by the last remaining chair leg. To make matters worse, Genghis also shit himself on impact, leaving him to perish in a pool of blood and faeces. Some say it was a death fit for a king. Others would say that it was a real shitty ending for a real shitty bloke.

Dan – sourcing a new dress for MOTW
Gemes – wanting to bring another dress contender
Bexson – attempting to maintain his pre-circle snooker streak going
Tasty – looking to usurp him
Tasty – unsuccessful, but at least not getting whitewashed
J$ – shit at snooker
Exec meeting – important issues being discussed, everyone asked to be prompt
Dan – at 4:15, “I’m just ironing my shirt and then I’m leaving”
6pm – everyone setting up in the Duck
Dan – “I’m just leaving the motorway now”
Meeting – starting without Dan
Dan – having the cheek to give Nick Hill timing advice
Mupdates – the topic of discussion at meeting
Exec (minus Dan) – agreeing to not tell Dan what the conversation is about
Dan – finally arriving 15 minutes late and looking incredibly confused
Dan – also managing to forget the new MOTW dress
Mupdates – causing issues with employers of Old boys
Dan – resorting to sending Tasty texts to gauge the situation
Meeting – finishing early, marking the start of an extended PCP
Larkins – spotted on a date with known female in the Duck
Tasty – suddenly understanding why said female was enquiring about Larkins the prior week in drunken conversation
PCP – giving the impression of a very small circle
Brebner – returning for more punishment
Dan – calling up Sarah, getting her to bring the new dress in for him
J$ – already on a PC4, worried about what the night may have in store for him
Ballo – managing to not handover the old dress to Tasty, despite being in the same room as him
Choppy – coming to the rescue and retrieving the dress off of Ballo in Leam
Turner – rehired as table bitch after a let-down performance from Ballo and Merriman the previous week
SU – trying to be helpful but essentially fucking over cricket, putting up all of the chairs in the middle of CR2 leaving no pathway to circle
Tasty and Turner – unable to get more than 3 tables across the sea of chairs
Turner – using his slender ways, waiting for a circle to look the other way before stealing 2 tables for the UWMCC
Dangerchair – somehow finding its way back to Cricket
Dan – late getting in waiting for Sarah to turn up with the dress
Roach – being halted at the entrance after his card flashed up as banned again
Duncan – sorting Roachy out, letting him in
Roachy/Duncan – bromance in the making
Ladies football – trying to get Tasty to start his circle so that their ‘slightly pathetic’ opening to circle could fly under the radar
Tasty – “no”
Curtis – looking sheepish as he arrives at Cricket circle
Curtis – being told by numerous people to fuck off to Ladies Hockey
Sledging – pretty appropriate
Hall – informing Tasty that he is only doing 6 today due to an interview tomorrow
6 pints – unlikely considering its Jonny Hall
Circle – building
Volume – loud for small circle
Fresher Henry – returning for the first time in a while
Tasty – not believing that Fresher Henry is 25
Punishments – being given out before MOTW
Curtis – given a triple as further punishment for his betrayal the previous week
Nick Hill – given a topical punishment considering the drama with the mupdates this week
Nick Hill – showing mupdates to a member of his house and therefore tripling as a punishment
Gemes and Brebner – wacking for trainers
Turner – not learning his lesson, wearing a ghastly pair of red chinos and wacking
MOTW – only 1 nomination
Curtis – nominated by Bex for circling with Ladies Hockey. Enough said
Curtis – also nominated by Tim for using the excuse of chopping as to why he left the UWMCC for the UWLHC and then proceeding to bottle the chop
Curtis – “that wasn’t my fault”
Adit – maybe soon to relinquish his title of Chief Chopbottler to Curtis
Tasty – seeing off the old MOTW dress with a nice little ritual, making Curtis do a ‘waterboard pint’ through the dress
Curtis – stopping halfway, “Tasty, I can’t breathe”
Waterboarding – proven effective
Curtis – eventually seeing off the torture
Competition – between Dan and Gemes’s dress choices
Dan – winning the dress-off
New dress – a very nice fitting purple, pink and black dress
Curtis – suiting the dress very well
New game – 20+1
Gamble – Gemes – Bingo Bongo Bango
Bingo Bongo Bango – a continuation of the waterboarding theme, essentially a glockenspiel challenge but Gemes allowed to choose who plays his stomach
Gemes – foolishly selecting Bexson to play his bongos
Tasty – prepping the pint ready for Gemes
Gemes – getting his rig out, keeping the tie on obviously
Bex – playing Gemes with real vigour
Gemes – struggling to swallow
Tasty – enjoying being on the other side of this punishment
Gemes – eventually finishing up, asking to be dismissed from circle in order to go and dry off his tie
20+1 – making its way round first time
J$ – losing and making the new rule that 13-16 no longer exist
New rule – not making too much impact and J$ happening to lose again
New rule – multiples of 4 are goalscorers in the 10-2 Arsenal vs. Bayern Munich two legs
Goalscorers – coming easy at first
Roach – “Theo Walcott”
Roach – correct
J$ – “Theo Walcott”
J$- wacking
Choppy – “Theo Walcott”
Choppy – wacking
Randall – “Theo Walcott”
Tasty – losing the will to live
Merriman – “Isn’t that 4 in a row?”
Tasty – for once liking an idea suggested by Merriman
Choppy – not liking the idea on the other hand
Choppy – “I will not forget this ever Merriman. All of my shit will be sent to you from now on”
Theo Walcott – everyone to say him wacking
New rule – 8,9,10,11 are replaced with Little, Tasty, Big, Choppy
New rule – amusing
New game – Danny Williams Premier League Darts
Gamble – Hall – Slenderman strikes
Slenderman – a Choppy invention, involving Jonny having to dance in the middle of circle with Turner approaching from behind and using his slenderman skills to feed Jonny a double
Slenderman strikes – causing a lot of spillage, Jonny eventually seeing it off
Larkins – turning up 40 minutes late after finishing with his date
Rumours – of a little kiss goodbye
Darts – providing some of the most exciting games of recent times
Game 1 – Team Curtis vs. Team Roach
Darts – being shlotted for fun at first, the score reaching 4-3 after round 1 with team Curtis taking it on speed
Team Curtis – continuing to shlot (unlike Curtis himself), taking a 6-3 victory and having 6 to nominate for their impressive double 180
Roach – arguing that they had hit 4 in a row
Tasty – “would you like 3 or 0 to nominate?”
Roach – sitting down
Bexson – getting hit with a double in the nominations, retreating to the toilet after a heavy 1st session
Game 2 – huge, Team Merriman vs. Team Hall
Team Hall – taking the game on speed but score being 2-2
All players – struggling to do any more
Enter – Choppy and Nick Hill as super subs
Choppy – sending his pint to give the team a 3-2
Nick Hill – a shit bloke, refusing to help his team
Probert – reluctantly sending his final pint and shlotting for the 3-3
Hall – finishing in the final seconds to give his team the 4-3 victory
Atmosphere – significantly better than the Ally Pally
Final game – less exciting, Team Atkins taking the win
New game – Duck Duck Moose
Gamble – Roach – 90 second plank
Roach – “Why always me”
Roach – making his way through the first 45 seconds with little difficulty, being used to the minute plank
Seconds 60-90 – proving too much for Roachy, the pint slowly tilting until it falls on his arse
Duck Duck Moose – some foolish decisions being made
Brebbers – taking on Bexson and getting sent in return
Fresher Henry – also making a similarly foolish decision in taking on Larkins, being similarly sent

1st Recess

Roach – spending at least 15 minutes drying his now purple soaked arse under the dryer
Goodyear – now able to drink having had the first session on squash and soda
Turner – having had a particularly heavy first session, in a world of trouble
Randall – noticing magic chunder crystals on the bar
Turner – looking sheepish
Stewards – hunting for Turner very similarly to how Turner hunts for his prey
Dangerchair – to attractive a prospect for Dan, placing it in Curtis’s place
Curtis’s Betrayal – obviously still in the forefront of Dan’s mind
UWMCC – beginning to return to circle
Everyone – anticipating the Dangerchair song
Curtis – taking his seat
Curtis – somehow feeling the chair going, managing to squat it out and not fall
Dangerchair – defeated
Circle – back in session
Super Gamble – Curtis – Platinum Ticket
Everyone – doubling
New game – Cricket
Tasty – once again threatening pints in the almost certain eventuality that they are all out for less than 50
First wicket – falling for less than 4 runs
Performance – not really picking up
UWMCC – narrowly avoiding their punishment, all out for 51
New game – ICICN
Gamble – Confession Time
Confession Time – anyone gambling if they have ever applied hair dye in their life
Larkins – “is fancy dress included?”
Tasty – “Yes”
Larkins – “Sake” as he slowly stands
Bexson – resolute in his position, not taking the stand
Turner – being standard in sexual based ICICN
Turner – ICICN people in the club to have got with Pole dancing peeps
Someone – being claimed on 5, easily being reached
ICICN – colours on show in circle
Choppy – claimed on 12
Choppy – off to a strong start naming a variety of shades of blue including, Royal, Navy and Cyan
Choppy – pointing at Curtis, “Black”
Tasty – outraged at the racism
Choppy – claiming he was pointing at the dress and somehow getting away with his comments
Justice – needed
ICICN – clubmen songs
Atkins – claimed on a high number, with no chance of getting it
Other claims – unmemorable
New game – Tinder
Gamble – Useless Cov Indoor Double
Murphy – sadly not present, the main perpetrator of the shit performance
Victims – including Tim and Curtis
Curtis – having a particularly large one this week
Circle – pretty spare with everyone sneaking away to avoid the impending sesh
Tinder – therefore pretty uneventful

2nd Recess

Circle – seemingly back to its standard format with everyone seshed out after 2 sessions
Last week – obviously an abnormality
Recess – pretty rapid as Disco Dave can be heard getting going downstairs
New game – Reverse Sherwin Ball
Gamble – Merriman – Quackstar Karaoke
Merriman – having to leave circle with Kinners, go to the Duck and perform a Karaoke hit whilst Kinners records it
Merriman – reluctant but eventually going, returning minutes later after being told he wouldn’t be allowed back in
Merriman – just made to wack instead
Reverse SB – starting off strongly before getting very much stuck on 7, with 5 people wacking because of the number
Tasty – forgetting where they were, so starting another game to avoid looking a like a cock
UWMCC – reluctant to play again but eventually playing along
Merriman – the eventual loser, “Awwwoahhhhhh”
New game – 1 Fat Slag
Tasty – “It is International Women’s Day after all so we may as well play Slag”
Gamble – Hall – Ladyboy Chaser
Hall – at first trying to fight his gamble, considering he had reached his 6-pint limit but eventually giving in and going to the bar to retrieve his Baileys, G&T and beer
Hall – sending it off with speed to the tune of Wonderhall
1FS – ending multiple times on Kinners after he refuses to say Slag
Kinners – morally strong but shit at 1 Fat Slag
New game – Speed 20+1
Gamble – Kinners – Colour-blind rainbow wack
Colour blind – essentially different colours to usual
Choppy – somehow being roped in to doing it with Kinners
Bar – no longer serving
Kinners – gambling again
Gamble – 10-2 Wenger Tactics
Gamble – all Arsenal supporters having to do a double at ten to 11 or tripling if they forget
Gemes and Randall – the only shit blokes in the circle
Speed 20+1 – taking ages as people seemed to have just restocked purples
Steward – giving the 5 minute warning
Alarm – going off
Randall – “Gemes, double time”
Tasty – not clocking that this must have meant Randall had phone in circle
Circle – slowly becoming microcircle
Steward – trying to shut Tasty down
Tasty – keeping microcircle going for another 5 minutes
Steward – losing his shit at Tasty and shutting down circle


Megamix – keeping up with the recent tradition of being large
Randall’s bint – still with her boyfriend but still trying to harass Joe
Bint – trying to sneak into megamix
Tim – sending her on her way
Randall – shoving a muffin into Tasty’s mouth mid-Angels and getting a hole in one
Roach – delivering Tasty a package from Chloe
Tasty – getting a selection of the new SU condoms, trying to put all 12 in his wallet and no longer being able to close it
Choppy and Roach – trying to balance pints of water on their heads
Choppy – a natural, the same not being said for Roachy
Choppy – looking to introduce a little more difficulty into his routine, taking his pint of water to the front of POP and continuing to balance the pint whilst dancing to the Macarena
Feed em to the Lions – coming on, Choppy not willing to try the pint for this song… I wonder why
Randall’s bint – introducing Joe to her boyfriend
Boyfriend – not realising
Tasty – having a frank discussion with Randall’s cocktease
Tasty – “The way I see it, you don’t actually like your boyfriend. I say get rid and then crack on with Randall”
Bint – taking the news rather well considering her boyfriend is standing 5ft away
Boyfriend – becoming unsurprisingly insecure about the situation, taking his girlfriend home
Randall – also leaving with his reason to stay no longer being there / having an interview at 9:30 also being a valid excuse to leave
Turner – lurking at the front of POP as per, trying it on Reuben’s girl and Joe’s housemate, Poppy
Poppy – in a particularly bad way, earning herself the title of “Sloppy Poppy”
Reuben – not present, therefore Poppy not quite it making to “Choppy Poppy”
Roachy – placed on Poppy patrol, making sure she doesn’t make any mistakes
Turner – changing targets to Tasty’s ex-chop, Vegan Alice
Vegan Alice – with her boyfriend
Turner – not giving a shit
Vegan Alice – in the words of Ghandi… Shlaaaaaggggggg
Disco Dave – still not adding Luther Vandross to his fucking playlist
NU1 – fairly uneventful compared to recent weeks
Gemes, Roach and Tasty – returning to the Den with Bex
Kate – arriving and throwing a strop because Tasty is using the charger
Bex – avoiding a domestic by going to bed
Bex – sensible
Den TV – a nice slideshow on scenic landscapes
Gemes – particularly enjoying the mountain backgrounds
Meanwhile – Stilo, having returned from POP, is already busy revising for the impending quiz
Quiz – unsurprisingly won by Stilo
Stilo – unbearable

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