“At my adoptions, all I can remember is playing touch rugby with a guacamol”
Lewis – “do you mean an avocado Jez?”
Roche – “yes”
Guacamol – a mix between guacamole and the fans favourite wack-a-mole game
Panic – surging through UWMCC
Roche – despite being in possession of the dress for two weeks in a row, somehow managing to not actually have any clue on the whereabouts of it
Randall – delivering the bad news that he thinks his flatmate has thrown it away
Freshers – scrambled to find a new dress for before circle
Thor – finding an absolute beauty in Cannon Park
New Dress – a snakeskin number, size 10 with a certain darb-hugging joir de vivre
PCP – small turn-out, probably due to strikes or something
Randall – sending Timmo at pool with a crowd watching
Roche & Lewis – on gamble pot duty
Ballo – turning up with absolutely no intention of circling
The Anti-Sesh – striking again
Son-Jark – rising from the ashes of Ballo to make a rare circle appearance
Lewis – going round telling people that we have been reported to the SU for saying Slag too much and we have to stop
Kinners – the mole, frequently releasing snippets of info to UWMCC
Owen – summoned as table biatch
Tables – aplenty
Chairs – a-lacking
Big Duncs – sent upstairs to find more chairs
Circle – complete
GENTLEMEEEN!!!! – the biggest
Olly Warwick – seen walking past in a Pikachu onesie
UWMCC – YOU FAT… Fresher
Lads – adhering to the warning from D.Lewis
MOTW – fair
Lewis – nominated for his lack of organisation, namely booking skills. At the charity quiz on Monday, many clubmen turned up at the designated 7pm meeting time eager for good hard quiz. As the time ticked along to 8:15, many clubmen were seriously questioning whether Lewis/Roche had actually booked downstairs Kelsey’s for the quiz. As Lewis brandishes his phone and reads out a message saying “Hi mate, can we book downstairs on Monday for 7pm” along with a swift “yeah sure” response, many clubmen turned to the barman who says mate I have no idea who’s number that is, I think you’ve just text a complete randomer and they’ve had you there.
Lewis – fool
Lewis – not to be stopped by just one incident in the week, nearly outdoes himself earlier on Wednesday. As the exec assemble in H1.05 for their meeting, a lad pops his head round and says “is this the level 4 Spanish seminar?”
Nish – smirking “no mate it’s an exec meeting”
Nish – a level 7 in Spanish as he can sing all the words to Despacito
Lad – I’m pretty sure we are in here
Exec – smugly telling the bloke to get fucked
Lad – persistent
Lewis – pulling out his phone to reveal that he has booked H4.45
Exec – left red faced
Lewis – wtf?
Crino – nominated for getting out no fewer than 9 times in a 25 minute bat at nets
Merriman – nominated for losing odds to kiss the Womens Football captain on the bare boob at skldays last week
Demo – conducted by Owen and a nipple out Timmo
Kiss – awkward as fuck (as you can imagine) as Owen manages to capture the despair on Merrimans face perfectly
Pooie – nominated for even more shitty antics. After a heavy circle last week, Randall and Millman made their way back to JM4 for some post pop fun and ended up staying the night at Ridges. Upon waking up, Ridge makes his way into his room from his juans room to find Randall asleep in the postbox costume while Louie has left for training. Upon closer inspection of the bed, Ridge notices that Pooie has left a massive skidmark on the sheets.
Wack off – Merriman vs Millman
Back a winner – in play
Wack Jallows – “Oh Captain my Captain” as he stands saluting Mez
Circle – jumping on the bandwagon, with almost everyone backing Merriman
Millman – sending Mez by more than half a pint
Regrets – yes
Merriman – struggling to fit into what is actually a skin-tight dress, making the more darb conscious members wonder how on earth they may fit into it considering Merriman is a stick
Randall & Roche – wacking for a joint effort of losing the dress
New Game – Mexican Wack Off
Gamble (Ridge) – La Decima
Ridge – steadying himself before achieving a respectable 11:81
MWO – some really poor schlottage on display considering that it was 1st game and the bin was bang in the middle
Mez – obviously the target
Amagog – fucking up and missing 2 times, eventually getting his 3rd in the bin
Wave – gets to Mez as he sends his fastest pint ever
Merriman – celebrating before he’d thrown his cup in the bin and then misses
Mez – panicking as he doubles while the wave catches up on the other side
Fresher Will – the eventual loser, sent to get 2 shots of tequila
New Game – SplatWack
Gamble (Owen) – The Golden Shower
Owen – sent to get 3 orange VK’s where he would have to wack two at the same time whilst one VK was shaken up and fizzed at him from close range
Owen – needing absolutely no invitation to get his shirt off as he gets absolutely covered in what is actually a sad waste of VK
SplatWack – funny, as the speed of the game increases as many clubmen struggle to keep up already
Rav – sitting next to many of the clubs faster wackers and ultimately struggling
Lewis – hiding but also struggling, doing 3 before he actually beat someone
Circle – heavy already
Loser – Adi, made to wack again
New Game – Tindeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrr
Gamble (Dyson) – nominate dare or chair
Dare or chair – cracking gamble this, with Dyson able to nominate someone to do a dare and if they don’t do it, they forfeit their chair for the rest of circle
Dyson – eyeing up flatmate Ivan before unleashing a game changer
Dyson – “every time you wack, you have to pull your trousers down to your ankles…. Every time anyone else is wacking, you have the option to also stand up and pull your trousers down. If this happens, you create a chain of people who have to pull their trousers down”
Ivan – wide eyed
Turner – turning up late to circle and made to wack
Ivan – immediately excercising his power and pulling his trousers down as Turner wacks
Turner – no idea what is going on but just pulls his trousers down anyway
Tinder – matches aplenty
Ivan – literally pulling his trousers down every time someone else wacks
Circle – may as well just take trousers off
SuperLike Round – 4 matches
Doubles – a tough finish for some
Recess – called
Men – running downstairs immediately to their close allies Golf (put in CR1 this week) to initiate the Golf Pres’ chant
Golf Pres – thought he could hide from us
Reality – there is no hiding place
Matt Thomas – running up and bowling an imaginary ball to Mez and Thor
Matt – completely stacking it and going head over tit in the middle of CR2
Freshers – stupid

Roche – doubling, his ordeal almost over
Crine – wearing jeans but initially missed, wacking
New Game – PLD
SuperGamble (Lewis) – I am the Enforcer
Lewis – now has the power to make anyone wack again if they throw their cup and miss the bin [not just for PLD]
The Lewis/Ivan combo – a lethal mix of strip wack
PLD – team Jez winning and sneaking a 180 in the process
Ivan – yet again deciding to stand up and pull his trousers down
Sander – great boxers
Aragog – given a huge wedgie by Krish as he throws his cup and misses
Lewis – enforcing
Aragog – wacking again with basically two bollocks out either side of his boxers
Krish – in stitches
Team Marcin – 180 too as Rory bears the brunt of the double
Cup Throwing – ability drastically improving when the treat of another one is in play
New Game – ICICN
Gamble (Northern Jono) – Rainbow Cordon
Rav – strawpedoing
Om – double strawpedioing
Adi – triple strawpedoing
Adi – taking ages to get through it allowing circle to blast out some tunes
UWMCC – taking on Lacrosse wankers in a sing off and winning, despite having half the circle size
Oh Warwick Lax – is full of cunts
Adi – tapping out near the end of his ordeal
Shalom – Adi
ICICN – hilarious
Ways of getting out in cricket – Louie smashing 9 out and making Tasty wack
Ways that Owen could bottle a chop – 25 claimed, 21 named including pringles, Sash chopping next door and Goodyear shagging his sister
Ways that Steven Brownsey makes his GF orgasm – 20 claimed and 18 named, Dyson wacking
Brownsey spin – counts as a double orgasm
With proof, wackers faster than Owen – Bird claimed on 14 and wacking after a mass wack off ensued
Ridge – getting overexcited and standing up too quickly, sending a whole table with 15 pints on it
Aragog – somehow managing to save three pints by doing some weird Arabic long hand clap technique to stop them sliding off
Things Roguer than Shalom Jono after 3 pints of purple – so so many that I lost count
Dan Lewis – of course yes
Rushil’s outside leg-stump guard – yes
AV2 Posts – always
Plenty more – in the tank
New Game – HoT
Gamble – 4 for Thor
4fT – harsh, but fair
Thor – having the option of a quad or 4 VK’s, electing purples at the start of 3rd
HoT – just clearing up pints really
Oliver Warwick – smuggled out of his squash circle and held hostage
Lads – trying to make mezza odds on to kiss the womens football social secs boob
Mez – running away
News – filtering through that Spurs had crashed out of the Champo League
Many – celebrating, with Crino and Randall starting up the ‘what do you think of Tottenham’ chant
Timmo & Tasty – crying in the corner
Fresher Clobber – geeing himself up for his first ever gamble
Toby – giving him the lowdown on how to do it
Krish – turning up with his tie practically ripped in half
Culprit – Roche of course

Thor – struggling through a generous quad but somehow managing it
Thor – misses the bin with his final cup
Lewis – enforcing
Thor – in pieces but getting a fifth wack in before not being seen again
New Game – 20+1
Who wants a double – catching Toby out, don’t telegraph it son as Fresher Clobber smiles, knowing that he has baited his man
Gamble – Fresh 1 min Challenge
Target – 45 between 21 Fresh
Cups – still being thrown even at this late stage in term 2
Fresh – managing 46 although having one chalked off for a poured pint by Krish
Oli Warwick – having to take his whole Pikachu costume off in order to pull his trousers down
20+1 – presenting a new challenge at this late stage of circle
Table Wacking – who’d have guessed?
Curtis – genuinely cant contain himself
Collins – caught with 2 VK’s in hand and sending them
Other Rules – numbers 1-8 are one fat frog jumped into the pond splash,
Many – being caught out playing the wrong game after the 1FF Rule
Millman – on his phone as per
Matt Thomas – also calling out Marcin for being on his phone
Snitches – getting stitches
New Game – There deffo was one
Gamble (Mallows) – Lecture Wackture (before Joe Chattle)
The Race – is on
New Game – Sherwin Ball
Gamble (Sash) – Don’t Cross the Picket Line
DCTPL – shoutout to all the strikers out there as Sash’s table must link arms and form a chain for the rest of circle
Sherwin Ball – many clubmen struggling with the concept of standing up rather than sitting down
Cheaters – meaning that when the number was 26 there were only 2 people left in a 39 man circle
Picket Line – wacking on at least 3 occasions
Micro Circle – big but getting rid of people fast
Bouncers – again chasing micro-circle around CR2 before finally the micro-circle migrates to the Pop! foyer
First Aider Team – telling micro-circle that they can’t circle on the health and welfare table
Randall – wacking and leaving to find Turner running megamix
Roche – victorious
Megamix – seeming to go on for ages
Magic Chunder Crystals – so fucking many in rouge bar
Pop – big
Dyson – somehow spending all of the night shirtless
Turner – turning it on with the girl that Gemes went to the disabled toilets with
Warwick Love – have a look lads
Rav – in a world of trouble as Marcin swoops in and steals his girl
Rory – looking fly with his new haircut but just spending the night parring a girl off
Disco Dave – informed that Jonny Hall will be returning week 10
Disco Dave – very excited to say the least
Front Left – wrestled away from many ugly people
Harry Collins – calling anyone and everyone a bint outside in the smoking area
You Raise Me Up – new addition to the playlist as UWMCC dominate Pop
Fresh – heading back for posts
Harry – once again crashing the mobility scooter into the wall, any
Rav – passed out in the middle of the corridor

Scenes – basically the Normandy beach landing
Sash and NJono – stealing a box of ice creams from SJono’s flat
Dangerous games – being played by fearless fresh
Krish – blocking Aragog’s sink with chunder
Aragog – making Krish pick it up with his hands
Fresh – a bunch of invalids
Owen – apparently involved in a naked video chat with Poopam, more to follow next week
(I can’t wait to see Owen in the tight little dress)
Thor – getting back to his room and deciding to use his bed as a urinal
2nd/3rd years – simply not as rogue as the fresh
The End – until next week

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