Hymn No. 194 – “Magic, Magic Kynaston”
Written by Freddie Larkins (2017)
(To be sung to the tune of the Cesc Fabregas Song)
“Ohhhhhh, Kynaston is magic, he has a magic wand
Microwaves and Kettles, of that I’m very fond
Bring back the Summer Party
Bring back the Yorkshire Pud
Magic Mike for DDO, you know you really should“
Campus – littered with Election-related propaganda
Litter – an appropriate name
King – accusing Kynaston of moving her banner
King – stupid bint
J$ – suffering a 5-0 loss in snooker to Bex
UWMCC – not hearing the end of it
Ballo – desperately searching for a circle ticket
Roach – offering his after receiving a confirmation email from Duncan that he is indeed banned
Randall – begging Roachy to go and see Duncan in person just to check
Duncan – taking Roachy through a maze of corridors to the heart of Warwick’s CCTV opearation
CCTV system – just one old monitor
Duncan – analysing the footage in great detail
Duncan – “forgive me Jacob, you can clearly see that it was in fact Woody who started the fight”
Ballo – letting Roach take the fall for his violence
Roach – “I was a Jester!”
Duncan – “Still could have been a cricketer”
Roach – Defending Ballo, “We were Halloween themed so I don’t know why Woody would be there”
Duncan – letting Roachy off of his ban
Roach – sending abuse straight to Ballo
Ballo – now without a ticket, pestering Jonny to get on Chloe’s guestlist
Dan – attempting to find a new dress in Tesco
F+F – not providing a particularly strong selection
Dan – looking for a potential MOTW swimming costume instead
Swimming cossy – outlawed by presidential decree
President – dick-tator
Tasty – having to make do with the MOTW cape
Turner – kimmed by the U1, waiting for close to 45 minutes
Dan – actually on time for an exec meeting, the first time this year for sure
On the other hand – tour stash still yet to arrive
Half-marathon – on the mind of most of the exec
Ballo – “I did 17km on Friday just to prove to myself that I can do it”
J$ – “those last 4km are harder than the first 17km”
Ballo – disheartened
J$ – shit bloke
PCP – looking pretty decently sized
Josh – making another circle return alongside Ash
Tasty – looking for revenge after suffering a shock 3-2 loss in snooker to Bex the day before
Tasty – dispatching Bex at pool with ruthless efficiency
Tasty – “I feel like Snooker is equivalent to those girls that are hard to get. The ones you really have to put the graft in but when you succeed, it feels great. Pool on the other hand are like the sluts of the world. Easy to win but the victory is hollow”
Bex – “I’ll take the long game”
Tasty – “I’ll take the sluts”
Gamble pot – put under the watchful eye of Stilo and Dan
Guj – somehow getting involved with the pot for yet another week
Ballo – given the honour of table bitch for the week
Ballo – confidently walking up to the ticket machine, “I’m on the guestlist”
Bouncer – “no you’re not mate”
Ballo – a defeated man, walking back upstairs to find Chloe Wynne
Tasty – left to set up circle by himself against the hordes of ladies hockey people
Bouncer – not quite grasping that a sport doesn’t usually have 8 social secs… idiots
Merriman – turning up to save the day (the only person that could be bothered)
Circle set-up – hell
UWMCC – being shafted and left with only 5 tables for a fairly big circle
Ladies Hockey – having 11 tables, giving shit chat about having a 50 person circle
Ladies Hockey – having ‘bring a boy’ week
UWMCC – being betrayed by one of our own
Curtis – deciding to ditch his fellow clubmen in favour of the Ladies Hockey circle
Curtis – “C’mon Tasty man, its for the chop”
Tasty – not falling for this, kidnapping Curtis alongside Bex and making him sit in the middle of circle
Men’s Hockey – on trial circle with 3 new whoppers trying on purpose to be genuine cunts
Hockey – “you lost varsity, said you lost varsity”
UWMCC – coming back with the trademark “we won CMD”
Trial circle cunt #1 – attempting a lacklustre “virgins” chant
UWMCC – ready to come back with a sky sports based chant but it’s not needed
Trial circle cunt #1 – realising that getting fucked up in a chant war is not the way to make a good impression, pulling out of the virgins chant
UWMCC – warming up for Gentlemen
Empties – being hurled at the traitor Curtis in the middle of circle
GENTLEMEN – louder than the infamous 50-person ladies hockey circle
Curtis’s punishment – thought up by Tasty
Curtis – having to first eating 3 Jacob’s cream crackers without any liquid
Crackers – taking at least minute per cracker
Crumbs – everywhere
Curtis – then made to double, gamble, wack
Purple – a welcome respite to the cracker based cement formed in Curtis’s mouth
Gamble – “You’re Fake” (1000+)
You’re Fake – any member of circle who has more than 1000 Facebook friends forced to double
Curtis – luckily getting away with 979 friends to avoid any further punishment
Curtis – finishing his final pint and departing to Ladies Hockey to a backing track of hisses and boos
You’re Fake – calling out Tasty, Randall and to everyone’s surprise, Stilo.
Choppy – deciding to wack as well for no real apparent reason
Purple’s – particularly cold this week
MOTW – better nominations that last week
Ballo – nominated by Murphy for Cov Indoor. Having admitted to having had a few hiccups with Cov Indoor, Murphy was keen to end the season with the premier victory of the year. With it getting close to game time, Murphy sent out the regular update texts to find out where people were. Most were fairly close however, having failed to once again sort his shit out, Ballo turns out to still be in Leam attending to his dinner, having completely forgot about Cov Indoor. The boys therefore have to play with a man down and proceed to get completely fucked by a bunch of rogue Asians.
Ballo – renominated by Choppy for being the real culprit behind the Week 7 Roach scandal, having been spotted by CCTV dressed as Woody, aiming punches left, right and centre.
Murphy – nominated by Tasty for saying that there had only been a ‘few hiccups’ in the Cov indoor season when in reality, it had all been one massive nightmare
Roach – nominated, perhaps wrongly, for being banned from POP the previous week. Having managed to steal a kiss off of his beloved Tilda, Roachy danced particularly hard to ‘Feed em’ which resulted in him angering a group of stupid bints and their males friends. The carnage that ensued resulted in Roachy being dragged out and banned whilst Ballo continued to dance. Any of justice
Cheers – loud for both Ballo and Murphy, a wack-off to follow
Back a winner – in play
Ballo – off to the stronger start but proceeding to endure a bottling of the highest proportion
Ballo – MOTW and rightfully so
Ballo – donning the MOTW cape but managing to make it look much more dress-like than Tasty had managed the week prior
New game – Roman Numerals
Gamble – Turner – LR Magic Roundabout
Atkins and Om – the victims
Atkins – sending off his pint pretty quickly given the circumstances
Om – not faring as well, eventually tipping the remains of his pint into the bin, thinking no one would notice
Everyone – noticing
Om – made to do 10 dizzy spins around the bin before sending another pint
Om – almost careering into Bexson’s table
UWMCC – joining with UWMHC to have a dig at Ladies Hockey
Chant – “You’re shit and you know you are”
Roman Numerals – providing more issues than usual despite Arjun not being in circle
Freshers – consistently forgetting the 4 in a row rule and being punished as a result
UWMCC – failing to get to XXI after 9 rounds
Tasty – threatening group wacking if XXI isn’t achieved
UWMCC – rising to the challenge
New rule – X and I are swapped in all aspects i.e. the game starts X, XX, XXX, XV and so on
UWMCC – absolutely no chance now
15 minutes – until the next XXI (or IIX as it now is) is achieved
New Rule – Table wacking
Adit – losing and as a result, his table lose
Adit’s table – mostly made up of brown’s
Nick Hill – causing for a brown down
Brown down – essentially causing the majority to wack through tables
2 tables – left not wacking
2 tables – accused of being racist
New game – 1 die
Gamble – Murphy – Magic Mike Messenger
Murphy – having to share Kynaston’s manifesto with his 10 recent messenger chats and also remove his top, akin to Channing Tatum until the end of session
1 die – a lot of pints being sent around
Roach – on the wrong side of a triple attack from Bex, Stilo and Guj
Tasty – not sure how many of the claims are genuine but allowing them nonetheless
Dice – slowly going missing as per usual
Tasty – presented with a pint with all dice inside of it
1 die – over
New game – Duck, Duck, Moose
Gamble – Timmo – Varsity Wack
Tasty – excited
Varsity wack – essentially an elongated Dirty Duck Wack
Tim – receiving donations for his cab ride to Varsity
Tim – stopped in his tracks by the bouncers, not allowing him to go such a distance
Varsity wack – changed to the Dirty Duck Wack
Tasty – sad at the realisation that his brainchild will never happen
Duck duck moose – competitive
Clubmen – often stupidly picking people who were ready to wack
Merriman – winning his first official race again Josh
Pints – mostly gone
Recess – called
1st Recess
Chattle – eager to get circle back on the road
Curtis – trying to slide his way back over for the recess banter
UWMCC – sending him on his way
Chattle – rallying the troops off of the red sofas
Dangerchair – put in place to pounce on the unsuspecting clubmen
2nd session – underway
Guj – a victim of the Dangerchair
Dangerchair chant – now standard practice
Gamble – Super Gamble – Murphy
Murphy – keen to continue his unbeaten good super gamble run
Super gamble – Deconstructed purple x4
Murphy – finally unseated
Circle – jovial
Deconstructed – A pint of beer, a pint of cider, a pint of cordial and a pint of water
Murphy – sadly trudging toward the bar
New game – Premier league darts
Game 1 – Team Bex vs. Team Stilo
Game 1 – tightly contested both on shlottage and speed
Race – ending with Bex vs. Stilo
Bex – winning the actual drinking
Stilo – throwing his cup first
Score – 2-2
Debate – a lot of it
Tasty – having always played based on actual pint speed, awarding the win to Team Bex
Stilo – outraged, walking off in disrepute
Murphy – returning with his 4 pint extravaganza
PLD – paused for the super gamble
Murphy – starting well with the beer and cider
Murphy – going downhill with the cordial
Chunder dragon – becoming more and more of a common creature
Lacrosse circle – horrified by the sounds and sights coming from Murphy
UWMCC – loving the pain being experienced by Murphy
Murphy – eventually finishing his ordeal
Bin – now quite pungent
PLD – resumed
Game 2 – Team Roach vs. Team Randall
Result – Roach win, not as exciting as the previous game
Final game – Team Chops vs. Team Nick Hill
Result – escapes me
New game – ICICN
Gamble – J$ – Sean Merriman Belly Button Challenge
Merriman – a surprisingly hairy belly button
Tasty – loving the fact that he finally gets to pour the shot
J$ – a real sense of discomfort on his face
ICICN – inventive this week
Randall – ICICN pie flavours that Jezza Roach would enjoy
Guj – claimed on 7
Guj – making the immediate mistake of going down the sweet route
Strawberry pie – not a favourite of Roach
Guj – getting some easy ones out before faltering after offering a vegetarian option
ICICN – songs on the UWMCC Spotify playlist
Ash – signalling a 4 instead of saying 4
Tasty – “You’re right it was a multiple of 4”
Ash – celebratory
Tasty – “sadly it’s completely the wrong game”
Ash – wacking
Adil – claiming Adit on 10 or so
Adit– faltering pretty quickly
Adit– shit bloke not knowing our playlist
Luther Vandross – not happy with Nick
ICICN – Leamington Stagecoach bus routes
Adil – once again claiming, this time Nick Hill
Nick Hill – struggling after naming the U1 and U2
Turner – ICICN with proof, people who can wack faster than Roach
Ash – claimed on 9
Ash – picking his 9 warriors
Roach – been sent by each and every one of them except Atkins
Ash – let off seeing as your allowed 1 mistake
New game – Tinderrr Groups
Gamble – Bring Back Colonialism
Brown people – in a boat race team
Brown people – allowed to pick their opponents
Bring Back Colonialism – delayed til 3rd session
Tinder Groups – an attempt to halt collusion, clubmen are paired with the person opposite them. If either of them match, then you are both wacking
Tinder groups – seeing a lot more people wack
Super like – no matches as per
2nd Recess
Disco dave – already spinning his tunes downstairs
Recess – a quick turnaround
3rd session – is a go
Kinners – joining the circle to tumultuous roars of Magic, Magic Kynaston
Kinners – wacking a pint alongside Niall (for Socs) in the middle of circle
Chants – continuing on long after they have left circle
Bring Back Colonialism – forgot about
New game – Cricket
Gamble – Dan -Rainbow Wack-Off
Dan – magically attracted to the Rainbow Wack
Choppy – chosen as his opponent
Back a winner – many people going for Dan with his infinite Rainbow Wack experience
Dan – successful in defending his honour and title
Cricket – possibly the shittest standard of Cricket ever witnessed by the UWMCC
UWMCC – losing 3 wickets at one point for 1 run
Tasty – threatening a team wide double for a score less than 50
UWMCC – achieving 50 all out
Turner – wacking anyway, unhappy with the performance of the lads
New game – 1 Fat Frog
Gamble – Chattle – Golden Balls
Chattle – selecting Roach as his opponent
Outcome 1 – looking like Chattle stealing and Roach splitting
Roach – claiming a steal
Game 2 – outcome obvious
Game 2 – both stealing and therefore both doubling
1FF – shit as per, not getting past 2
Final game – speed 20+1
Gamble – Roach – 2nd year 2 minute challenge
Roach – giving Tasty an understanding look… and puts the gamble back in the pot
Gamble – Roach – 50/50 Murphy
Murphy – given the choice to either permanently leave circle or lie on the floor in the middle
Murphy – “I’ll give the people what they want”
Murphy – lying down in circle, getting absolutely pelted with cups
Meanwhile – 20+1 is going
Sesh – starting to hit people now, no one realising that a game is being played
Steward – not giving Tasty the 5 minute warning and instead ending circle with immediate effect
POP!
Megamix – different from usual with chants of Magic, Magic Kynaston interspersed throughout
Tasty – ending Megamix after a dire rendition of Chicago
Roach – getting a handshake off of Duncan now that he has been cleared of all crimes
Randall – being his usual self and chirpsing a girl with a boyfriend
Girl – fucking fit and flirting heavily back
Randall – too nice a lad to act on it despite the bint being wet for it
Pole girl – also fit and supposedly gagging for a bit of Randall
Randall – missing all of the signs due to his infatuation with Little Miss Boyfriend
Bex and Stilo – goading Goodyear all night for missing circle to go back for this school varsity game which they lost
Stilo – getting Disco Dave to play the ‘The Winner Takes It All” for Goodyear
Stilo – attempting to achieve his previous claim of consuming 5 cream crackers in a minute
Stilo – realising the difficulty of this feat, only achieving a measly 2.5
Curtis – finding himself being cockblocked by an old chop in his pursuit of this girl that made him miss circle
Curtis – ending the night chopless
UWMCC – would definitely have wingmanned the stupid bint away from him had he not betrayed his brothers
POP – coming to a close
Most clubmen – retreating to the safety of the NU1
Larks and Guj – demonstrating to a Rootes dweller how easy it is to remove a door from his hinges
Guj – desperate to do a runner with the door
Larks – just too nice, instead spending the next 25 minutes trying to reaatach the door
Guj and Larks – somehow avoiding being connected to the previous door theft
Guj – keen to reinfiltrate either AV or Bluebell and steal some beanbags
Adil and J$ – having a heated bus discussion on whether Max Holden would play for England with neither side backing down
Bex – almost getting in a fight with a rogue Asian for bumping into Kate
The Firm (UWMCC) – ready to pile in
Roachy – itching for another bout of violence
Adit – discovering that Sicilians was doing dodgy dealings through its back door
Adit – “update: they are trying to avoid council regulations”
Larkins – “I knew it was a front”
First – Tuscano’s
Now – Sicilians
Leamington – is it all just one big drug front??