No exec meeting – wonderful stuff
You know what that means – obviously earlier PCP and games of pool
MT – desperate for some gum
MT – must have smelly breath from all the shit he talks
MT and Jabzy – in a long drawn out pool rivalry which will continue at PCP with 3 £1 coins lined up
On the bus – at 6:05pm
Hop houses – secured from duck to fuel the warriors mid-battle
Hop house – the cultured man’s choice
MT – loses the first game narrowly
MT – loses the second game fairly narrowly
MT – loses the third game too despite some well executed safety shots
MT – loses his purpose in life and £3
Turnout – really solid from the bois
Costumes – not as exciting as last weeks, it appears that everyone has just turned up as handsome well established high performance athletes
Bird and Essex – the table bitches
Both – not afraid to punch a woman in order to secure a proper circle
Fresher Eitan – already in the copper rooms as he thought circle starts at 7
Fresher Eitan – you pillock
Ridge – starting early with the circle campaigning and running around all the terrible clubs
Ridge – really giving this thing all he’s got and fair play to him
Tables – already set up for us
Easy – as you like
Chair surplus – not a bad position to be in
Turnout – around 30-35 blokes
Pints – secured
Muppet dress – remembered for the second week in a row

1st Session:

Gentlemen – cheers compounded with MT’s high pitched screams
Sash – doing the two full pints as punishment
Pints at the start – extraordinarily fizzy
Sash – close to chunning already
Everyone who did not come and support the varsity squad – must wack
Name and shame – time
Fresher Alfie – using some shitty excuse
Uniform – Fresher Harry with white socks
Fresher Jamie – trainers
Mihir – trainers
Sam – trainers
SJ – trainers
Amogh – jeans
SJ – trying to rat out NJ for his jeans saying “feel them its jean material”
Jabzy – would preferably not grope him just to find out
CalGal – the man for the job surely
Muppet nominees – Krish, Sash, Parth, Jabzy, Eitan and Shiv
Varsity team – nominated for the shit show that happened on Saturday
Shiv – nominated for organising every single charities event in one week
Fresher Eitan – nominated for just simply being stupid really
Cheers – equal meaning a six way wack off
Fresher Eitan – in serious trouble
Obviously – a big loss for the fresh
The dress – suits him well
Shiv – not losing in a wack off?
Gamble (Owen) – Nominate 1 minute challenge squared
Owen – lining up the quarter pints
Krish and MT – making sure that Jabzy verifies full wacks
Owen – the absolute hero does a huge 2
Legendary status – achieved
Owen – sends two wacks to Patient and two to Ivan
He came on his face – he came on his face
James Partient – he came on his face
Ivan – confused at to why he has just been called out
New Game – Black Black White
Freshers Josh and Eitan – seemingly let in on the rule as they get it with ease, probably Nathan the one spilling the beans
Essex – clearly wants to wack as he purposely gets it wrong
Rory – just being Rory forgets the rule
Freshers – none the wiser
CalGal – rocking up very late but everyone is happy to see him back home
Ping pong balls and midget gems – flying everywhere
Who wants wack – catching out Fresher Jamie and SJ
Gamble (Fresher Archie) – H/T Nuke
SJ – fuming he wasn’t picked
Archie – must call a coin flip, if he guesses correctly then he gets to fire a nuke at another table, if not, he is nuked.
Mihir – “how is that not a supergamble?”
Welcome – to the future old man
Archie – calls heads
Jabzy – flips
Heads – the side face up
Archie – ecstatic
Mihir – relieved
Rory – satisfied he got to see what side was face up pre-flip
Nuke – fired at NJs table
F-dog – always on the receiving end of nukes for some reason
Fresher Olly – head in hands
Sash and Parth – dealing him some serious verbal abuse
Welfare – issue
New Game – Reverse Sherwin Ball
Number – 29 (some people disappearing into the toilet)
SJ – arriving back with plenty sesh
Slow start – as the boys are all hesitant to go
No wacks – for at least the first 5 numbers
Then – they start to rain in
Amogh – being ratted on for cheating
Controversy – as always as numbers are said to quietly
Next time the game is played – numbers will be shouted or you will wack
Final two – Eitan and MT
Both of em – stupidly waiting around and not saying anything
Finally – a drunk MT takes the initiative in what must be his like 10000th circle and actually says 1
Fresher Eitan – takes another L
Fresher Eitan – at this point a complete mess in a dress
Who wants to wack – catching out SJ and Fresher Jamie
SJ – really fucked off
Gamble (Fresher Jamie) – Double Shoeboat
Fresher Jamie – after hearing what the gamble entails instantly regrets it
The big question – 2 wacks in one shoe or one in each
Smart choice – 2 in one, damage limitation
Fresher Jamie – Sniffing both shoes to see which one is less pungent
Fresher Jamie – crushes it to the tune of “don’t you want me baby”
Owen – prepared to keep singing the whole song
Fresher Jamie’s night – now ruined as he squelches off to grab another round
New Game – Kraus’ Cricket
Oh no – here we go again
Will the club – score more than 50?
Answer is – no
The match report – NJ wasn’t listening and Jabzy was too stupid to count correctly and so both got it wrong with NJ somehow escaping having to wack. Also at this point Fresher Olly and Parth are in a full blown insult battle. Joe is also sitting proudly after splitting numerous cups near Ben and Olly with some bullet arm midget gem throws. Mihir constantly asking for the return of the ping pong ball he keeps throwing around. Final score ends up on 47, which is crap and everyone should be ashamed of themselves.
Everyone – will definitely double for that shit show
Almost as bad – as the pasting that Cov gave us in varsity
Gamble (SJ) – Fresher 1 minute challenge
10 – freshers
Calgal – is obviously a fresher as the song rings out
Target – adjusted from 23 to 25
No splash – no gash
Calgal – pretty much refuses to drink and just sits there, making it harder for the freshers
Freshers – eventually reach a total of 23 so CalGal did make them lose
CalGal – not a fresher, just a cunt
Ridge – the most trustworthy bloke in the club and someone who would make an excellent DDO makes up for one
Fresher cumshot – taking responsibility for the last one
New Game – Randall Splat
Joe – absolutely wrecked by Rudi
Parth – losing to Joy
Parth’s confidence and reputation – shattered
Joy – the man of the hour
Krish – calling out Slowhil for multiple losses
Last two – Amogh and Sam
Amogh – confident for the W
Amogh – does bring home the W with an easy victory- experience on his side
Sam – looking a bit worse than he did an hour ago and is crumbling
Gamble (Krish) – Ugly wack
Krish – must choose the ugly people in the club to wack
Unlike Nathan some weeks ago – he cannot just make the whole circle drink
Choices – Ivan, Olly, Mike, Bird and Ridge
The poor blokes – night=ruined
Cheers Krish – son is crying
Obvious answer – say “you know what you are all top lads, each person good looking in your own special unique ways, and I will drink to that” but no, Krish now has made enemies for life
New Game – ICICN
Essex – “I claim I can name one excuse Krish might give for trying to header the ball in varsity”
SJ – gets stuck with 27
SJ – has no bloody clue what it even means
SJ – takes the loss with bitterness
Next – chants that coventry gave us at Varsity
Chants named –you pay our benefits, you’re shit etc
Essentially – MT gets to 5, needing 6 and then just says Olly Stewart is shit
Jabzy – accepts it
Fresher Olly (a bit later on) – what was said about me earlier?
Jabzy – well, we basically all agreed that you are shit
Fresher Olly – oh..
Jabzy – yeah (calls recess)

RECESS

Fresher Eitan – getting told he needs a haircut but the bloke loves his curls
Bet between Krish and and Eitan over when circle – actually starts
Joe and Parth – huddled together laughing
Jabzy – “whats up”
Joe – “so imagine this, your first child is being born, you hold him/her for the very first time and the first thing you say is on the 1 2 1 2”
Parth – breaks down in hysterics “you have to start them young”
All the bois – dotted around the place all on their phones
Jabzy – needs some sesh
Joy – the man for the job
Cheers – bro
Back to it – as Krish and Sohil are dying to drink more

2nd Session:

Gentlemen – toxic masculinity on display for all
Supergamble (Joy) – Glockenspiel challenge
Joy – has no clue what to do
Jabzy – informs him to take his shirt off and lie down
CalGal’s sexual energy – now at full capacity
Joy – lies down on the chairs
Sam – the chosen drummer
Jabzy – feeds the pint to Joy whilst we won CMD is sung to maximum volume
The challenge – surprisingly not messy and Joy smashes it
All the while – Sam has been slapping his stomach really fucking hard
Joy – the poor bloke
First time – glockenspiel challenge has not almost blinded the target
New Game – Danny Williams PL Darts
Owen’s team vs Parth’s team – 12-7
Absolutely – shattered
Jabzy – involved on the losing side
Jabzy and Sohil – missing some piss easy throws
Essex – I sunk all fucking 3 what were you lads doing
NJ’s team vs Ivan’s team – 6-3
NJ – nailing a buzzer beater just to add salt to the wounds
Their team – trying to claim a 180 but in the midst of the Danny Williams minute surely 180s don’t count
Fresher Tumnus’ team – getting nailed 5-3
Nathan – loving the win
Nathan – also pretty seshed
Gamble (Sharky) – Left right trouser swap
Shiv and Joy – for fuck sake
They both – trundle off to the toilet slowly
Shiv and Joy – relatively similar in stature so not as exciting as it could have been but
We – move
New Game – Trivia Home/Away
Fresher Olly’s table – Which is the only American football team to go a whole season undefeated, including the superbowl?
The lads – don’t have a clue at first but go through the lists of teams that they know
NJ – just shouts Green Bay Packers in blind hope
NJ – not having the same luck as although his team actually goes with his answer it is completely wrong
Answer – is Miami Dolphins in 1972
Owen’s table – Q: “Raging bull, the classic 1980 movie is about which real life boxer”
A: – Lennox Lewis
No – it is not and that is also a terrible guess for whoever has actually seen the film
Fresher Josh’s table – As of December 2016, which NFL team has won the most super bowls?
Fresher Josh – straight away
Pittsburgh – steelers
Fresher Josh – will never be asked an NFL question again cos he just ruins it
Pints – sent to NJs table and Nathans
Parth’s table – with which type of ball was baseball played with until the year 1929?
Parth – reckons it is a football
But – the others like Joe change his mind
In the end – a cricket ball is decided upon
As you can tell by how this is written – it was indeed the football
Ivan’s table – What number lies between 5 and 9 on a british dart board?
Confusion at first – as Sharky mentions 18
Sharky – getting his left and rights confused
Eventually – 12 decided upon and a great victory for the lads
Krish’s table and Parth’s table – taking the brunt of the pint nominations
Mess everywhere – recess called

RECESS

Jabzy – challenging Parth to see if he could fill up a whole pint of sesh stolen from others in the circle
Parth – on it
Parth – returns with a full pint ffs
Rory – Jabzy you did tell him to do that right, what for?
Jabzy – I dunno, funny
Jabzy – loses odds to wack a pint which contains a midget gem
CalGal – you have to fucking eat it
Jabzy – pauses and hesitates
And then – fucking eats it
Although not easy to tell at first because of the purple soaking it – but it was an orange flavour and really
Not – that – bad
Fresher Baby – looking like a dead man
Fresher Rushat – asked to watch out for him
Fresher Rushat – “nah he is like that on every night out, he keeps going”
Fresher Jamie – taking a leaf out of Harry’s book

3rd Session:

Genital man – wait no sorry
Gamble (Sohil) – Left Right Magic roundabout
Sharky – getting confused on which is which
Rudi and some shagger – nailing it with impressive speed
You spin – me right round baby right round
The lads – becoming even more dizzy then they already are
New Game – One fat frog
So many – people already in the oversesh
Krish – dying
Baby – dying
Fresher Olly – serious threat
Fresher Patient – always a serious threat to club relations
One fat frog – not getting past two fat frogs
Fresher Josh – being dragged into a wack by Rushat
Fresher Josh – the only one on that side of circle who is on the ball
Jabzy – keen to keep the ball rolling
Gamble (Fresher Cumshot) – Panenka Specialist
Jabzy – YESSSSS
Cumshot – must place three cups on the floor and chip them into the bin
Each successful shot – is worth 3 nominations
If – he misses all three
Then – he must double
First – misses way right
Second – exactly the same
Third – way too short
Wow – what an anti-climax
It’s really – not that difficult
Cumshot – takes the double on the chin (going to rinse this joke until the end of time)
New Game – 20+1
Rule introduced early on – not allowed table wacking – you must slap yourself on multiples of 5
With – real conviction as well
Second rule introduced – Old boys on multiples of 7
The old boys rule – really kimming quite a lot of people
Too much sesh – for the mind
Sohil – regretting the stupid actions all throughout splat
Essex – caught out for too weak of a slap but redeems himself second time round
Gamble (Fresher Laurie) – Steal a wack
Off – he goes
Far – far away
Meanwhile – livers are being damaged
Random wack offs – all over the shop
Fresher Laurie – back with serious speed
Fair – playyyyy
Fresher Laurie – steadily wacks
A relatively – easy gamble tbh
There was another gamble too earlier on – but it is hard to place when lol
Gamble (Rudi) – Family FT Wack
Rudi – says his family are in Bermuda and says his mum would probably be working (could be bullshit) but Jabzy allows him to FT someone else
Rudi – gets his mate on the phone and wacks whilst smiling the bloke just silently watching
It did happen – at some point
New Game – Roman numerals
I’s – getting too much
9 – seemingly the number to always catch the most people out
Freshers – leaving circle and leaving their pints behind
Wack and leave – activated as we have now had 3 warnings from the bouncers
CalGal – alert to scavenging any pints left over
MT – pretty binned as per usual the alcoholic whore
MT – a loser at pool and an alcoholic whore
Circle – quickly becomes micro
Micro – forced downstairs but megamix is in higher demand
CalGal – still has like 3 pints
It is decided – that micro will go on after megamix
Pints – held on to

Megamix

Finally – gets started
Woah woah – f-dog helps out Jabzy again and saves the day with the correct order
Jabzy – desperately stomping on the ground to keep a bit of rhythm
Sash and Jabzy – give up on holding their pints and just wack them
Essex – claiming the day as the winner of micro
Because – he always chokes the victory
Its like – a sympathy win
Meanwhile – Jerusalem is banging
Patient – trying to start a war with women’s hockey by pushing one of their members
Woman – beater

POP

Futsal – getting beefy with us as per usual until they find out we started the chinos chant
Sash – launching VKs into the crowd and nailing someone on the head
Jabzy – picked the target for him
And – he actually nailed it
VK stickers – on everyone’s faces
One of our lads – clearly ripping up another DDO candidates sign
Ridge’s frame – ripped up and lost
Ridge – doing a very solid job though in spreading the word
Sash – forgetting his return ticket
Sash – also getting recognised and called a dickhead in sicilians
Krish – dying in the toilets
CalGal – has Krish’s fleece on somehow
Owen – Convincing Eitan that he played Rabada at school cricket
Eitan – Gullible af
Overall – a very drunken club