Exec meeting – postponed until tomorrow
Glorious – scenes
Instead – the boys tune in to the talks from ITBTT and Opening Up Cricket brilliantly organised by Owen
The talks – interesting and spreading some valuable messages to the bois
Jabzy, Parth and Essex – turning up in their week 7 costume looking very out of place
Peaky blinders – now all more aware of the issues of poor mental health and how it can be improved as well as helping others in their time of need
Alex Cotton – living up to her legendary status
MT – the plant
Krish – another plant
P&C – smashed
Owen – hitting the equivalent of a 100m six with a successful welfare talk
On to – dress up circle
Most clubmen – have stored their costumes in fresh kitchens to save themselves the embarrassment of turning up to a mental health talk. A sensible approach…
PCP – wonderful as costumes are on full show
POP – sold out this week which is alarming
MT – giving Jabzy shit chat about losing at pool a couple weeks back
Jabzy – knows that snooker is a proper game
Week 7 theme – famous couples/groups (if a pair is not found)
Sharquiss and Shiv – Han Solo and Princess Leia
Sharquiss – looking suave af
Harrison Ford – eat your heart out
Shiv – taping cinnamon buns to his head
Surely – a post pop snack?
Peaky Blinders – Parth as Tommy, Jabzy as Arthur (with a dirty moustache on) and Sam as Finn
“No fucking fighting” – pretty much the only phrase these three can do in a brummy accent and so it is rinsed thouroughly
Rudi – coming as Amogh in a muppet dress with a quality mask too
Sohayl and Ruben – Kanye and Kim
Sohayl – present at circle
Ruben – equalling Sohayl’s annual attendance with his first circle
Ruben – stuffing bags down his top and trousers
Ben – eyeing him up a bit as he loves a curvy woman
Ben, NJ, Ridge and Fraser – coming with probably the best costumes of the night as they replicate the anchorman team
ID passes – included
Nathan and Viraj – Beyonce and Jay Z
Nathan’s tank top – smaller than the chances of Thursday mupdates
Nathan – “It is fucking cold”
Bird and Sood – showing off their hairy af legs as the 118 blokes- the shorts reveal more than everyone needs to see
Nevertheless – another fantastic effort at the theme
Freshers Archie and Laurie – coming as Rick (Laurie) and Morty (Archie)
Morty – has clearly gone through a bit of a growth spurt
Fresher Patient and Olly – Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby
Olly – spraying his hair bright white in a tremendous effort
Olly – hoping it will actually wash out for his contact hours later in the week
Alvin and the chipmunks – Sash (Simon), Amogh (Alvin) and Rav as (Theodore)***
MT and Owen – coming as the police chief (MT) and Tam Spraggins (Owen) “the wee man”
Owen – also going all out with a mask
Fresher Harry – coming on his own as Thing 1 and Thing 2
Modern problems – require modern solutions
Freshers Mike, Jamie and Rushat – coming with probably the most original idea out there. Mike as the zookeeper, Jamie as the child and Rushat as Harambe. Great value from these lads.
Jabzy – trying to stop everyone getting their dicks out for Harambe
Fresher Alfie – causing a bit of controversy by turning up in a South Africa T shirt, a gun and a sign on him saying Oscar Pestorious
Fucking hell – a dark bit of humour as obviously his partner was shot
Alfie – a real savage
Taran and Nikhil – coming as our very own Ben and Fraser, the two shaggers of the club
Joe and Krish – coming as the famed duo of Krish and Joe as clothes are swapped, Joe also swearing he will only do half pints in honour of his costume.
Freshers Tom and Josh – dressed up as Troy and Gabriella, the rest of the clubmen dying for a singalong show.
Om and Rory – rocking up as Mr Incredible and Frozone with Om’s Frozone glasses straight out of the top drawer
Overall – a stupidly good effort from the bois with surprisingly no duplicates!
Now – time for chair and table set up
Jabzy – recruits Shiv and Sharky again
Lads – get into pop around 7:40, plenty of time to go.
Positioned – somewhat near the front of the queue with only a few social secs in front despite all the pushing
Gate – opened
Jabzy and Shiv – really making a break for it
A couple tables and a bin – secured
Women’s football – bloody nicking our tables claiming they will have a turnout of 50
Fuck – sake
Jabzy – desperately searching
Mark – “that’s all the tables we have”
Oh – Neil
Clubmen – start turning up only to see some small tables and a load of chairs
Jabzy – in real danger here
Seniors – scouting out any other options
Joe (the real Joe) – bringing home a table
Chipmunks – also securing the bag with another table
Sash – yet again providing for the club by negotiating a table from Woman’s football
Time – 8:20
Circle – still not fully set up
Jabzy – lets circle know that there will be no first recess to compensate
Finally – with some make do tables and some genuine grafting, a circle is formed.
Jabzy – needs to rethink his set up strategies
First Session:
Gentlemen – not too shabby despite the use of wooden tables
Jabzy, Essex and MT – wacking for some poor snooker performance at frames
Muppet Dress – remembered by NJ finally
Amogh’s dress – presented to him, possibly with MT’s chun on it from exec circle, yummy.
Nomination – time
Owen – nominated by MT for trying to microwave frozen garlic bread in a hurry resulting in a fire and the alarm in his house going off
Fraser – nominated by Essex for promising that he would turn up to frames, but instead of coming to chill with the bois he has gone back and shagged Essex’s flatmate. Simply gross behaviour.
Owen – stands up
“I would like to nominate Jabzy, because it is now 8:30” – simple as that and very fair
Jabzy – acknowledges his failure and apologises
Cheers – result in a clear 3 way wack off
Jabzy – gestures throwing the dress at Fraser in case he wants the dress now
NJ – appreciates the bants
Unsurprisingly – Fraser is not the winner and is given the dress
Who – let the F-dog out?
Fraser – taking 36 minutes to do his second pint
Gamble (Ridge) – 1 minute plank
Ridge – looking forward to a soaked arse crack for the rest of the night
Ridge – steps up, removes his shirt and gets down into position
Krish – screaming at his form
Ridge – making it through the first 15 seconds unscathed other than Fresher Harry just lobbing an empty cup at his head
30 second mark – Ridge is splattered with a deadly throw
As the purple seeps down his spine – the clubmen erupt like a colosseum
One gamble – that no one wants
Ridge – confident he could have made the one minute mark
Others – not sharing his opinion
New Game – Tinder
Sohayl’s side – definitely guilty of collusion in the first round as 12 people in a row don’t stand up
Jabzy – careful to watch them next time
Shiv – after having one is now almost definitely shitfaced
Freshers – seem to really love each other
Phillip Schofield – turning his back on the females now
Nathan – freezing up
Superlike round – produces nothing first time round
Shouts – of “EVERYONE LOOK AT SOHAYL”
Funnily enough – Sohayl chooses not to look at any of those who shouted it
Superlike round 2 – nothing again
Jabzy warns – no superlike = whole circle wacking one
Again – nothing comes of it so everyone must wack in shame
Gamble (Sharquiss) – Double Gamble Wack
Sharquiss – not very happy with that
As per – he sinks the first two with ease
The oooos – beginning and building rapidly
Sharky – reaches in nervously
Gamble – Fresher One Minute Challenge
Sharky – “oh thats pretty good”
Sharky – stands up to see off his round and the double gamble wack is over
Freshers – 10 of em
Target set – a mere 23 after Tinder
Joe – calling for at least 26
Jabzy – judging by the group does not back them
Freshen up – for le punani
Women’s football – looking over in disgust
Women’s hockey on the other hand – cleary want some of this
7/10 – freshers rushing to the toilet
Result – 18 made
5 – to make up
Fresher Tommy D – thirsty for more but has no pints
Fresher Mike – one of those rushing off looks like a TC is incoming
Jabzy – makes up the final one as he is keen to move on
New Game – Speed Roman Numerals
Now an individual game – means chains are active for the near future
Rudi – chained to the chipmunks
Taran and Nikhil – chained to the anchorman team
Joe – “speed now?!” With a confused look on his face
Jabzy – fucking hates when all the I’s are said so slowly
Joe – outraged and calls a meeting with the old guard to discuss impeaching Jabzy
Fresher Alfie – not saying the direction when starting the game
Fresher Tom – also tripping up at the first hurdle
Owen – with a smug look on his face calls out the big XX (20 for those who somehow don’t know) and then realises that he has to wack as well as MT, who he is chained with, is sitting right next to him
Women’s football – have around 30 in their circle
50 – just a plain lie
Rav – finally makes it into circle as Chloydberg provides him with a ticket
Rav – opting to sit on a serious candidate for danger chair
Well well well – it does break
Gamble (Owen) – Severe Weather Warning
Owen – must grab two full pints of water and straight arm them
Owen – stumbles off to secure the H20
Suddenly – circle is interrupted by the Men’s hockey social who challenges us to a wack off of our four fastest guys
Most – want to at least accept the challenge but there are calls to just enter our shittest team
Jabzy – accepts and then looks to circle to determine the four fastest
Team – Jabzy, Sash, MT and Sood
Ready – for combat
Hockey social – goes back to assemble his team
New Game – Duck Duck Moose
If you lose – you wack and your chain carries on for you
Sharky – keeps having to go because Shiv is useless
Baby Yoda – could probably beat Shiv in a pint race
Harambe (Fresher Rushat) – getting dragged into wacking by Jamie and Mike
Beyonce (Nathan) – at least sinking pints now that will keep him somewhat warm
Jay-Z (Viraj) – keeping up his reputation of getting battered at circle
Hockey – all wonder over and interrupt the game
Race – is now on
Pints – poured and ready
Order chosen – Jabzy Sash Sood MT
Jabzy – finishes just before his opponent but did wear a little bit
Sash – just about keeps the lead
Sood – struggling to keep pace falls slightly behind
MT – left with too much work to do
We – lose
Everyone not participating – well that was shit
With hindsight – it was very shit
Owen – fuming we didn’t send a banter team
Jabzy – gets the gamble pot and tries to soldier on with the structure of the circle deteriorating
Owen – now has his pints of water after just pouring away the first two?
Owen – based on his record gets a sexual thrill out of wasting drinks alcohol or non alcohol
Owen – steps up to the plate and takes his shirt off
Mask – still on for the first one as it seeps into his eyes only
Next one – he takes it full on like a champ
Gamble (Taran) – Back Jack for DDO IS THIS SUPER
Taran – must turn up on campus at 6:30 to help Jack put up signs for his DDO campaign
BACKJACK – FORDDO
Ridge – would make an excellent DDO so get behind him!
Taran – is not impressed with the early get up despite wanting to back his fellow clubman
New Game – Randall Splat
Chain rule – if someone in your team wins your chain can sit down
Sood – finally winning a wack off and relieving Bird of having to wack
118 men – in full tandem
Chains still in at the end – Harambe, Incredibles, Star wars and High School Musical
Finalists (losers) – Star Wars vs Incredibles
However – only one person from each of the chains is actually there so its actually Rory vs Sharky
Rory – boomtowns Sharky into next week
Rory – a real life Mr Incredible
Sharky – bringing shame on Han Solo’s name
Circle – again losing normal structure as Sash is called up for his trial
Sash – after losing a bet to Vaishakhi had to give away his club tie
Sash – tried to do 2 whilst she did 1
His confidence – misplaced
Sash – clearly does not value his club tie
Krish – before circle was very clear on wanting to be chief prosecutor
Krish – pussied out when the time actually came
Ridge – a reliable man #backjackforDDO steps up to the plate
Sash – decides to act as his own defence
Ridge – attacks him and condemns his gross actions calling for a harsh punishment
Sash – calls NJ to the stand and uses his muppet dress shithousery as an example of an equal crime without harsh punishment
A fair play – Sash does admit though that he will take punishment whatever
Calls – for readoption
Readoption – surely too harsh
It is decided – that Sash will do two full pints at the start of each circle including this week
Sash – must do these pints when they are cold and fizzy at the very start during gentlemen
RECESS
Peaky Blinders – getting a photo
Jabzy – had to discard the moustache as it got soaked in the pint race vs Hockey
Jabzy – also aware of a red mark that has appeared on his nose for no apparent reason
Concerned – Jabzy walks up to Joe and Sash and asks what they think its from
Joe – “Is it purple?”
Jabzy – “i dunno might be”
Purple – it is
Actual concern – over a small purple stain on his nose
Weak – af
MT – providing some good notes
Microcircle – on red sofas as the bois want to keep it rolling
Parth – consuming like 3 pints and prepping himself for next session
Amogh – doing loads of chipmunk impressions (very poorly)
Joe – remembers he has left his tamagotchis at home and they need feeding
Ruben – seemingly enjoying his first circle with Sohayl of all people explaining the games to him
MT – on the scout for Andrew Chloyd Webber
Chloyd – Mayweather
Jimmy – Chloyd Hasselbank
MT – a grafter that is for sure
2nd Session:
Gentlemen – firing up the misfits
Our circle – noticeably the only ones not wearing stash on Varsity week
Who – fucking cares week 7 is our week
Essex and Parth – happy with their microcircle performances feel in form
Supergamble (Cumshot) – Rainbow Road
The – return
Patient – must chose two others to complete the rainbow road course, which for anyone who needs reminding, is a VK a lap of the CR another VK another lap and finally another VK
Chosen competitors – Archie and Laurie
A weird race between – Holly Willoughby, Rick and Morty
The lads – run up to the bar to grab VKs and will compete after the next game
New Game – Danny Williams PL Darts
A game – simply designed to ruin people
That’s why – it’s one of Jabzy’s favourites to play
Essex – despite wacking and sinking 3 in the overtime still takes the L with a loss of 9-7 to Sash’s team
Mess – really all over the shop
NJs team – winning 10-8 against Shiv’s
Jabzy – finally getting pints from Fresher Harry who was sent off ages ago to get them
Unlike the first round – these pints dont have bits in them
Danny Williams – warping time and space
The rainbow road runners – back with the sesh
Rainbow road theme – sung as the lads start off with Laurie in the lead
After one lap – Laurie leading with Archie in a close second and Jimmy P coming up the rear
2nd VK – smashed as they set off again
This time – Archie and Laurie neck and neck
Jimmy P – slower on the Vk but quick to run
FInally – Archie comes back and secures the W
All 3 making a valiant effort – in their introduction to rainbow road
Morty – the champ
Another interruption – as Ben Newsham and Charlotte Lloyd enter circle
MT – definitely hard
Newsham – wearing the Warwick Bear mascot suit
Newsham – also forced to wack a pint
Essex – steals the head of the mascot and is then slapped in the face by MT
Subsequently – Essex is bleeding from the nose all over the toilets
MT – is victorious in a wack off vs Chloyd who is drinking squash
The only time – he will ever beat her *Ba Dum Tsss*
The following ten minutes – very very strange as everyone sings Shalom Shalom Shalom on repeat as well as wacking
Still Chloyd and Newsham are in the middle – We’ve won club of the year also ringing out
Finally – they leave and normal circle can resume
Gamble (Patient) – Mr Gloverman
A rubber glove – pulled out from somewhere
Cumshot – must fill it to the brim with purple and wack it to the tune of Mr Glovermannnnnnnn Shabba
Cumshot – wacks whilst also spilling purple everywhere as he discovers the impracticalities of using a glove as a cup
Rav – loves singing this song
New Game – Trivia
Chipmunks’ team – How high is the hoop from the ground in pro basketball?
Needing the exact number – they guess 8 feet
Unfortunately – 10 feet is the real answer
Sash – noticeably surprised
Sharky’s table – What do you call it when a player makes a hatrick of strikes in bowling?
Sharky – (within approximately 2 seconds) a Turkey
Wow – ok mate
Sharky – immediately sends two to Parth and his table just to wreck Parth
Others on his table – thrown under the bus big time
Owen’s table – How many dimples are there on an average golf ball?
Owen – reckons there is about 350
Others – persuade him to go lower as they blurt out 250
Final answer – 270
Correct answer – 336
Owen – truly gutted as he realises his instincts were close
Parth’s table – What country has competed the most times in the summer Olympics without winning a gold medal?
No – bloody clue
Someone – says fucking China
Who – always win loads of gold medals
In the end – Jabzy gives the hint of what continent its in
Parth – suggests Nepal but ends up saying Indonesia
Indonesia – final answer
Nope – its the Philippines
Unluckkyyyyyyy
Sood’s table – How many minutes was the longest recorded point in the history of tennis?
Guess – 6 minutes
Well – that was quite far off really
In actual fact – it is 29 minutes
Essentially – the time it takes for Joy to wack on a good day
Jabzy – strolls up to NJs table
Jabzy – “to the nearest 5..”
NJ – “97”
Jabzy – *continues* “how many medals did China win at Beijing 2008?”
NJ’s team – back him as always
Unbelievably – the answer is 100
NJ – with a ridiculous bit of foresight
Or – he knows the website Jabzy gets his Qs from
Either way – Jabzy is gobsmacked
Gamble (Nathan) – By order of the peaky blinders
Usually – you would have to go to fades, the shit barbers by Papa Johns and ask for a high skin fade
However – Nathan’s trim is fresh af anyway so he gambles again
Gamble (Nathan) – 619
Ordinarily – 619 is a supergamble but it was maneuvered back into the pot by Krish
619 – is halved so he now has to do 3 wacks in 30 seconds and then he gets 9 to nominate
Nath – blasts out all 3 to the tune of single ladies
Gives – a couple to Sash and Krish as well as Parth and then sends some to Sohayl and Ruben
Nathan – is no longer freezing as the purple has done him well and the atmosphere has improved
Mark – walks around giving the pack up soon signal
New Game – One Fat Frog
Sood – thinks we are playing 20+1 says “2,3”
Sood – you silly bastard
Archie – dying at this point?
Sohayl – not saying a bloody direction
Ruben – not impressed
Sohayl – has to learn the games
Fresher Mike – also not giving a direction and so has to learn the hard way
At the end – it actually almost gets to 4 fat frogs
Then – its realised that there is too few people to do One fat frog table wack and so the game is quickly changed as we all know you have to Improvise, adapt and overcome
No Gamble – as it goes straight to microcircle
Sash and Rory – dismissed
Those without pints – politely (not really) asked to leave
Comes down to – Laurie vs Ridge
Bouncer – kicks us out downstairs
Rouge bar – it is
Laurie – has a solid win ratio in the final two
Ridge – a wise circle veteran but also known to be a silly cunt
Laurie – as done before secures the bag with a 17,18,19 and 20
Left right – goodnight Ridge
On to – megamix
Megamix:
Random Lacrosse twat – enters circle but is then dealt with
Backstreet boys – missed a whole verse
Jabzy – struggling to keep everyone together
F-dog – so confused at the odd order of megamix
F-dog – is not a man who likes chaos
Rory – absolutely battered again
Barmy Army – aggressive af
Get – involved
The new motive – front left
Maybe – after one or two VKs
POP
Front left – secured nicely after a slight rouge bar delay
Fresher Josh – loves an orange VK
Orange – a wonderful flavour
A – safe flavour, very comforting.
Sohayl – deciding to revisit his chirpse from the bar crawl and ends up getting off with her constantly in rouge bar in plain sight
Ruben – getting into a fight in the smoking area and absolutely decking a bloke
Nathan – so happy that he managed to see a fight
Nathan – by now is back in a t shirt and ready for any violence
Jabzy – finding a load of condoms on the floor and stashing them into Sash’s pocket
Don’t be silly – wrap your willy
Don’t make love – without a glove
Sash – at the time does not appreciate the gesture but he will save loads of money
Parth and Rory – playing catch with a coat in front left
Krish – eating a girls face and when Nathan sees him, Krish just says “safe”, and then proceeds with his meal
Bus back – MT throwing up a tiny bit on himself but then managing to keep the rest down
Sash and Rory – harassing a guy on the bus who looks like Philip Bartholemew Cornelius Smith from the thick of it
Rory – checking the scent of his beloved super glue collection
Rory – also arguing with a welsh girl about North wales and she is definitely bloody wrong
Jabzy – even knows that Banghor is like the furthest north you can go in wales but she denies its even in north wales
Sash – wearing the coat Rory and Parth stole
Sicilians – the next motive
Parth – pushes Sash into the door and makes a loud bang
Sash – calls Parth a sister fucker and his then screamed at by one of the guys running sicilians but in a different language
It – was said with some serious malice
Sash – now banned?
Jabzy – collects the pizzas and they all fuck off home
Overall – an extremely weird night with next to no structure