The Chronicles of Circle 1 – Darbmentum
Few men are blessed with much in life, and far fewer are blessed with the best gift… the gift of the darb. Those with the darb, are an entirely different species of human known simply as ‘homodarbus’, and have many benefits over their lesser-evolved brethren. They are warmer. They can enchant girls with their dad bods. And they can store larger reserves of purple. But the most important difference is that of ‘darbmentum’. Unlike regular humans who abide by the basic laws of momentum, calculated by ‘mv’, darbier individuals must live under different circumstances.
Discovered by George Seshington in 1780 after ordering two men of differing darb sizes to charge at their British occupiers during the battle of Yorktown, Seshington observed that the chunkier individual caused considerably more damage to the enemy. Alongside his good pal and fellow seshhound, Benji Franklin; Seshington formulated that larger people move with a different type of momentum, calculated using the formula ‘πmv’ (because fat people love pie). It was at this point that Seshington had his ‘eureka’ moment and dubbed this phenomena ‘darbmentum’.
Mutiny – in the ranks
Kinners/Guj – plotting the rebellion
Tasty – being usurped out of the group chat for his love of Gossip Girl (and questionable chat)
SU – fucking up as per, having no working IT systems and therefore asking for circle numbers
UWMCC – expected numbers of 25 (according to FB)
Tasty – telling Ted that we need tables for 45
UWMCC – taking other clubs tables
PCP – a building atmosphere
Reynard – making a rare appearance
Bex, Guj and Kinners – responsible for plotting the gamble pot
J$ – “should we do a sweepstake to see how many doubles Bex puts in?”
Hall – “I’ve had a brainwave… the Ferdi Rex Glockenspiel Challenge. Essentially someone plays Ferdi like a Glockenspiel whilst the other feeds them purple”
Tasty – demanding to the gamble pot peeps that the Ferdi Rex Glockenspiel challenge is put in
Choppy – promoted to table bitch due to his no can do attitude to life
Hall – still in dismay about Turner and Millman’s woeful table performance the previous week
Turner – revealing that all the tables put in our area were broken
Hall – “first Desso, now broken tables. I think there is a real anti-cricket agenda at this university”
Leveson enquiry – got nothing on the Warwick Cricket Conspiracy
CR2 – space is plentiful, Ted’s fuckup sending Men’s hockey to the chill out room
Lacrosse – setting up for a 60 person circle, only 15 turning up
Lacrosse – embarrassing
Tables – only 1 broken this week and therefore only one bin support needed
Bozza – acting like a muppet by leaving the muppet dress in the cloakroom
Hall – generous man he is, uses Chloe’s guest list to get numerous clubmen into circle, only to discover that he is not on the list
Hall – despearately calling Chloe to get him in
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHtgKIFoQfE (replace Wilson with Chloe)
Circle – eventually in full attendance
GENTLEMAN!! – corrupting the previously subdued atmosphere of CR2
MOTW stories – strong
Hall – nominated for the previously mentioned failure to get himself included on the guest list and therefore causing circle to start late
Adil – nominated for antics in last circle. Having obviously lost a lot of alcohol tolerance between his last circle and now, Adil’s night begins to unravel when he matches a super like with Ballo. From there, it’s a real downward spiral until finally, Adil is in real trouble. During 1 Fat frog, a traditionally simple game unless Will O’Farrell is in attendance, Adil someone believes that the world that should follow ‘jumped’ is Claim! After being told that he isn’t playing the right game, Adil insistently claims Choppy for 11. 11 what? No one knows. Finally, Adil realised ICICN is not being played and decides that he should instead be blocking out. Eventually, Adil finally accepts punishment, but only because he believed that Choppy had name all 11…
Reynard – nominated for his job prospects. After trying extremely hard over the 1st term to secure his graduate job, things have not exactly gone well for poor Mr. Reynard. As a last ditch attempt to do something with his life, Freddie has decided to enlist for army. Hopefully with Mr. Reynard at the helm, there will soon be no German Bombers in the air.
Adil – the clear winner
Adil – slipping the dress on with surprise ease
New game – Roman Numerals
Gamble – Reynard – Flip Cup challenge
Flip cup challenge – Reynard with 10 attempts to flip the cup and land it. For every cup he lands, he can nominate a wack. Failure to land any cups results in a double.
Reynard – adopting the wrong technique, trying to land on the small side of the cup
Reynard – realising this all too late, failing to land any cups and therefore doubling
Roman numerals – slow to start with, the club not managing to get to XXI
Tim – eventually losing and introducing Table Wacking
Hall – not paying attention, proceeds to stitch Choppy, only to have to then wack himself
Choppy (with strong Hall influence) – deciding to replace VIII with ‘Asian Enchantress’
Om Menom – falling victim to the Asian Enchantress
Kinners – realises that VIII has fallen on him
Kinners –(confidently) “Asian Temptress”
Kinners – useless, calls for him to double but manages to get away with a single
New game – Premier League Darts
Gamble – Boring Jonny Hall challenge
Hall – having to name all 16 Snooker’s masters entrants this year. Success resulting in 16 to nominate with failure resulting in a triple
Hall – managing 13/16 before being timed out
Hall – outraged at the prospect of a triple, managing to barter his way down to a double
PLD – Team Money vs. Team Bex
Game 1 – a closely fought contest with team $ edging it 4-3
Game 1 – poor shlotting ability from Bex, having not won a game for some considerable time now
Bex – “I’m really out of form right now
Game 2 –Merriman and Millman vs. freshers
Mezza/Mill – possibly the slowest wacking team ever encountered
Freshers – taking victory 1-0
Final game – Choppy vs. Ballo
Team Ballo – good for speed
Ballo – forgetting to drink
Team choppy – edging victory
New game – Duck Duck Moose
Gamble – Matt Tembey Glockenspiel Challenge
Tasty – extremely aggravated that his partial brainchild had been used against him
Kinners – responsible for this betrayal
Ferdi – summoned to play the ‘glockenspiel’
Ferdi’s playing style – more representative of how one would play a Marimba as opposed to a glockenspiel
Bex – pouring the pint
Ferdi – aggressive with the tune, causing genuine marks on Tasty’s belly
Bex – drowing Tasty’s lungs
Glockenspiel challenge – essentially waterboarding
UWMCC – loving the glockenspiel
Bex – “I was genuinely worried that I was going to drown him”
Meanwhile – Kinners’ darbmentum takes him through his chair, leaving his on his arse… Karma
Duck Duck Moose – Kinners starting off, stitching up Fresher Postgrad Seb who was still having the rules explained to him at the time
Seb – realising that Bozza isn’t paying attention, goes for the sneak assault
Bozza – quickly reacting, still manages to see Seb off
Joe – seeing off Choppy in the final round
Choppy – wacking to his namesake song
1st Recess
Tasty – top off, attempting to dry his shirt and tie from the glockenspiel challenge
Attempting – being the key word
Tasty – “If I was a terrorist and they used the Glockenspiel challenge as an interrogation technique, my organisation would no longer have any secrets”
Tim – hero, getting Tasty a spare shirt
Broken chair – now strategically placed around the circle, who gets it… no one knows
Bex – complaining about the length of recess
2nd Session – commenced
Adil – deciding to restyle his dress in the recess, shortening it to just above the arsecheeks
Tasty – “what would your mother say”
Tim – sitting down and discovering that it was him who had been given the broken chair
New game – Kraus’s Cricket
Gamble – SUPER GAMBLE!!
Super Gamble – Roachy – Spinning Rainbow Wack
Spinning RW – a rainbow wack but requires the drinker to spin round the bin in the middle 5 times between VKs
Roachy – Coming back with a pale yellow, blue and white VK
Rainbows – obviously come in white up north
Roach – struggling through the wacking, to the tune of ‘You spin me right round’
Roach – managing to overcome the gamble
Kraus’s Cricket – boundaries set at:
Less than 50 – double for everyone
50-75 – single
75-100 – double
100+ – triple
Ball – obviously doing bits, giving the opening order batsmen some issues
Score – 4 for 2
Score – thankfully improving reaching 46-8, when Goodyear decides whether to kim everyone
Kinners – stiching himself by falsely accusing Joe Atkins
Adil – losing count, resorting to his mantra and blocking out
Adil – out
UWMCC – all out for 79
Losers – wacking
New game – ICICN
Gamble – Goodyear – Shit lid wack
Goodyear – declaring that everyone in the club, himself included has a shit lid except for Curtis Rose
Curtis – counting everyone in
ICICN – starting with European capitals
Adil – taking the opportunity to correctly claim someone
Seb – managing to name 20, sending Adil
Murphy – ICICN things that I find unbearable
Dan – claimed on 12
Dan – correctly identifying obvious answers such as Men’s Hockey, himself and Tasty hitting him for six
Dan – “ugly women?”
Murphy – taking time to pause
Tasty – (quietly to Dan) “I mean I don’t like to judge but is his girlfriend much of a looker?”
Murphy – “yeah ugly girls are unbearable”
Dan and Tasty – unable to contain laughter, Dan effectively conceding due to not being able to laugh
Dan – going to get new pints
Broken chair – swapped with Dan’s
Hall – ICICN UWMCC members with a penis that has more girth than Merriman’s wrist
Tasty – taking the necessary measurements of Merrimans wrist
Choppy – “can we please clarify, is it floppy or erect? And is it from the base or the bellend?”
Adil – “Choppy, everyone knows you always measure from the base”
Hall – clarifying the default as the erect base
UWMCC – pretty much all having girthier penises
Dan – returning to circle, sitting and taking the familiar plunge to the deck
New game – Tinderrr
Gamble – Jonny Hall Boxers challenge (re-run)
Hall – previously refusing to do this, reluctantly accepting
Hall – “I’ve only just got these new boxers for Christmas”
Boxer challenge – start of 3rd
Tinder – uneventful first few rounds
Hockey girls – attempting to take a photo of their fresh
Ballo – sent in to photobomb
Ferdi – attempting to also get in on action
Bexson – ordering the whole club to invade
Hockey girls photo – becoming a UWMCC and friends photo
Broken chair – quietly moved to Bexson’s seat
Bex – returning to circle dancing and chanting, not a care in the world
Bex – joining his fellow comrades who have fallen foul of the broken chair
Bex – throwing the chair into circle
Tasty – taking a figuretip grab before the chair hits the ground
Probert – “Only one session with Spiro and you’re already a gun fielder”
Tasty – 1’s specialist fielder material
Super like round – not managing any matches
2nd Recess
Broken chair – moved to Hall
Hall – sitting onto his chair, collapsing in a heap
Circle – ready to recommence
Stilo – noticing that Reynard has yet to return
Broken chair – relocated to Reynard
Reynard – returning to circle
Reynard – his newfound army senses not helping him to detect the lack of structural integrity to his chair
Reynard – dum dum dum, another one bites the dust
Adil and Choppy – bonding
Adil to Chops – “don’t down these VK’s now or you’re a bitch”
Choppy – possibly frightened of Adil, deciding against downing them
Adil – proceeding to down one and throw the bottle into circle
Adil – made to wack for throwing his bottle
Adil – “is it because it was tropical fruits?”
Hall – making his way to the middle for his boxer challenge
Boxers – a lovely little stripy M&S number
Hall – wanting to go for the infamous ‘saturate boxers and wring them out into his mouth’ technique
Tasty – deciding against this and instead deciding that the waterboarding technique was far superior
UWMCC – becoming torture specialists
Hall – wacking to the tune of him frantically calling Chloe
Boxers – launched at ladies football by Hall in protest of the gamble
Ladies football – not impress
Bex – “Tasty, you need to get those boxers. I do not want to be having a conversation with Ted about boxers”
Tasty – very pro a Bex-Ted boxer chat, but retrieving the boxers regardless
New game – 1 die
Gamble – Murphy – Double Gamble Wack
Chants – immediately starting
Murphy – sending off the first but encountering trouble with the second
Murphy – sending a barrage of vomit into the bin and surrounding areas
Chunder dragon – noticeably absent, disappointing
Gamble – Jonny Hall Boxers challenge (and Reynard)
Murphy – retreating to the toilet to avoid the stewards
Tasty – requesting some magic chunder crystals
Magic Chunder crystals – magic
Tasty – seen chanting ‘magic chunder crystals’ to himself to an odd tune
Murphy – returning and seeing off the final pint
Hall – let off of the 2nd boxer challenge, only Reynard having to do it
Reynard – no shame, striping off next to circle
Reynard – more class, wearing Armani
Reynard – becoming the 3rd UWMCC member to be waterboarded tonight
1 die – short lived
Joe – claiming 3 6’s despite rolling 3 3’s
Adil – managing to end up with 3 dice
Hall – sending all dice
Game over
Gamble – Captain Bozza Powerplay
Cheers – raucous
Revolution – well and truly in progress
Bozza – excited about the prospect of his 2nd term
Tasty – taking his place on the side
New game – Reverse Sherwin Ball
Gamble – Ferdi – Golden Wack
Golden Wack – a drinking twist on the popular game show Golden Balls. Each player selecting either split or steal. If both players split, then they each wack 1 pint. If one player splits and the other steals, then the player who split must triple. If both players steal, then they must double
Tasty – nominated by Ferdi as the other player
Tasty – using his Game Theory knowledge to know that it’s better to Steal in every scenario
Ferdi – putting too much faith in the kindness of Tasty
Tasty – steal
Ferdi – split
Ferdi – only doubling due to generosity of Bozza
Broken chair – spotted
Broken chair – placed back with Dan again
Dan – falling prey to the chair twice
Reverse SB – Bozza accidently picking the number to match the number of people in circle
No-one – left standing at the end
Reverse SB round 2 – uneventful, with lots of people wacking
4 people – all going on 9
New game – Mexican Wack off
Gamble – Bromance Double
Gamble – self-explanatory
Bromances – plentiful: Bex/Goodyear, Joe/Tasty, Rhys/Merriman, Ballo/Choppy, Tim/Joe, j$/Dan, Stilo/Reynard
New bromance – Curtis and Guj
Mexican wack off – met with sturdy opposition
J$ – “it’s not a fucking game”
Bozza – sensing uprising, letting Tasty take circle back
Roach – losing wack off
New game – 1 Fat Frog
Gamble – Dragon Express challenge
Gamble – essentially a Bozza double vs. Merriman single
Back a winner – 5 people backing the express (true express members)
Bozza – managing two before Mezza sends his
Sittampalam – starting
Choppy’s table – on the floor
1FF – reaching the second round successfully for the first time this year
J$ – impressively switching Dan’s chair for the broken one as Dan stands to say ‘frog’
Dan – sent crashing
Table – somehow also falling
Adil – caving into peer pressure and getting his cock out for some reason
Adil – also blocking out the frog
Gamble pot – flooded by Dan
Tasty – furious sending the pint of gamble infused purple onto Dan
New Game – micro circle speed 20+1
Gamble – Guj – Fresh 1 minute (made up)
Fresh – each seeing off their remaining pints
Bex – victorious in micro circle
Dan – plotting to hide the broken chair for next week
Bex – adamant that it will be found
Circle – over
POP!
Megamix – a truly shit attendance
Tasty – calling an end to it after the first song
Turner – attempting to take over
Bex after finding Tasty – “You need to get back to megamix. Turner is taking it and I don’t like that”
Megamix – still shit attendance, Tasty vetoing it
Roach – quickly obtaining the jacket of a female
Roach – attempting to wear said jacket, despite it cutting off his air supply
Chloe Wynne – confiscating the jacket and returning it to its owner… a crying girl
Ballo – having his ear nibbled on by his woman whom was obviously feeling a little peckish
J$ – losing his shit to Feed them and ripping Tasty’s shirt
Tasty’s shirt – actually Tim’s shirt
Tim – only finding out about this as he reads these mupdates
Sorry Tim
Sesh forecast – pretty accurate predictions
Tasty – chopping up
Millman – sober
Adil – seshed
Larkins – absent
Howard – dead
Adil – forgetting to put his cock away after a piss and walking into POP
Adil – “it’s a real bad habit of mine. I really need to sort it out”
Joe – spending all night running away from Cooper’s chop again
Cooper – still working his magic in wonderous ways
Disco Dave – desperately seeking Jonny Hall
Hall and Reynard – presumably commando
Commando – another word for ‘easy access’
Hall – almost certainly getting his knob out at some poin
POP – not POP without a Bex domestic
NU1 – buzzing with seshed clubmen
J$ – eager to gain backing for Smack Thursday
J$ – agreeing to add Tasty back to the group chat if he came to Smack
Tasty – obviously in agreement at the time, alongside many other clubmen
Hangovers – deadly
Smack Thursday? – unlikely