Jabzy – heading to India for Easter asks Joe to run circle
Joe – excites to roll the years back
Joe – gets Owen on board
Circle – generational
Sash – kimmed with third session
Cya – pal
Before the fun however – EGM
Exec members – hoping not to be impeached
EGM– long and not an ideal PCP
Cheap dominos – short term win long term pain
Pcp– Joey on the gambles
Owen – Assembles a team of UWMCC’s finest crackheads for table bitching
Bird,F–Dog,Olly Stewart – the men in question
For many other clubs – new social secs on debut
Amateur – hour
Tables – a piece of piss
The boys – alphaing all the new social secs
45 man circle – prepared
Capacity – reached
Scenes – set to be great
Owen – getting some Sambuca down home before starting
Ok – it’s pretty decent to be back
Jabzy – don’t be getting any ideas
I’m still rejecting any power plays – ask someone else
Uniform – some shockers
Kevin shah – dressing like that flash bloke at sixth form
Gucci belt – doesn’t hide that you’ve got jeans on mate
Allegations of other Jean criminals – flying about
Owen – stroking legs to get a feel of the material
Owen – been hanging around with Ridges brother too much
Muppet of the week – lots of noms but no dress
Eitan– please come back we need the dress
Shiv – nominated for being an hour late to his own 1h1b event
Josh Bennett – nominated for being champed by a female
Ben Harrison – nominated for being a shit bloke
Krishnu– nominated for losing his phone after a loose ASOC ball
Kevin – nominated for sacking all tour socials
I mean – who wouldn’t cancel their plans for an evening at the Shire Grill?
Hashtag – ad
Massive Wack off – Kevin loses
No dress – but another sweet sweet 562ml of purple
If circle ever happens again – don’t forget the dress you cunts
New game – tinder
Gamble (Archie) – Facebook Live Wack
Owen – fucking it up and just uploading it to the 3/4s group
Team bonding – af
Tinder – being rolled out at 8:04
We’re back in 2019 baby – let the good times roll
Matches – all over the shop
Collusion – at an all time low
Cruise through – to super like round
Number of clubmen – tragic enough to get more that one superlike every 24 hours
Mihir – matching with next door neighbour Ben
Chandy – missing the fact it’s a superlike round
Oh – dear
Olly Warwick – being sure to match with Rory’s mate to ruin the poor blokes Thursday
Brownsey – has learnt to drink in time for his annual circle appearance
Circle – getting loose already
New game – 20+1
Gamble (Baby) – Lager session
Did somebody sayyyy – CARLINGGGGGGG
yum– that shit genuinely tastes like margarine
Baby – Hold this L
20+1 – featuring a few decent rules
Even numbers – clap
15–20 – two claps
Clap city bitch – clap clap city bitch
Sood’s table – dropping a number of clangers
Sood – is now basically doubling every time he drinks
Sood– best drinker in the club
Sood – best shagger in the club
Sood – best hairli…oh wait never mind
New game – Reverse Sherwin Ball
Gamble (Jimmy P) – La Decima
Jimmy P – gets the first one down quick
The second – gets stuck in the jaws
Time – 15 seconds
Respectable – if unspectacular
Reverse Sherwin ball – best game in a while
Ivan – genuinely kimmed 12+ times
Lewis – facing a similar fate
Joe – stating that he will say whatever number SJ says
SJ – doomed
NJ– in retaliation trying to Kim SBS, just kims himself
Final 3 – Jono’s + Bird
NJ – straight out
The other two – match on 1 instantly
Tense Wack’s – follow
SJ – gets out at the death
Sesh levels – beefy for this time of night
New game – ICICN
Gamble (Alfie) – Straight Arm Wack
fresh – loving the gambles tonight
Alfie – going full herbal essences
Purple – all over the gaff
ICICN’s – weak, weak to average in places
Rohan Bahl – fails to name 16 meal deal sandwiches
Ben H – can’t name 46 reasons why Chlloyd would shag MT
NJ – “tbf there isn’t one, look at the bloke”
Rav – rattling off 24 countries with Coronavirus
Owen – looking at his watch ready to depart
No danger of – fergie time tonight
New game – Numberwang
Gamble (Fraser) – slip cordon
NJ – 1
Mihir – 2
Rohan – 3
Rohan – Struggling af
Chandy – cool and calm with his 2
The bloke – might only be at 98% productivity tommorow however
Numberwang – WHAT. A. GAME.
Everyone stands up – yells numbers
Owen – calls Numberwang and sends pints
Slowly but surely – everyone is wacking
Final round of Numberwang – the most intense
A number between 1 and 100 – is picked
Guess it first – 10 to nominate
Numbers – flying all over the shop
Brownsey – going for 66
Owen – can’t keep the anticipation inside
Jimmy P – reads the signs
67 – that’s numberwang
Pints – sent to all the usual suspects
Recess – called
Owen – going for a lie down
Randall – telling the masses to purchase VKs
Fresh – nervous

2nd Session
The boys – returning with VKs left right and centre
Randall – contemplating just VK in circling everyone
The ghost of Jabzy – egging him on
Randall – resists
Straws – handed out
Whales – fuck you bloody
GENTLEMEN!!! – bigger than Olly Stewarts forehead
New Game – Mexican VaKoff
SuperGamble (Taran) – Coronavirus 2.0
Coronavirus 2.0 – Taran must wack a pint of purple infused with some Dominos Garlic & Herb dip from pizzas earlier
Garlic and Herb pint – essentially bat soup
Taran – then gets to select two people in circle who must double
Taran – eyeing up potential targets
Everybody – a potential target
Eyes – akimbo
Taran – selects Ed Churchill and
Ed and – now get to infect 3 people, who must all triple
the unlucky ones
Garlic and Herb pint – unpleasant and calorific
The boys – self–isolating themselves in the toilets
Mexican VaKoff – strategically started directly opposite Olly Stewart
The boys – strawpedoing hard
Parth – slowing down to ensure Olly loses
Somehow – Josh Bennett loses
Joshy – off to the bar for two tequila mixers
New Game – Danny Williams PLD
Gamble (Sohayl) – Self Isolate
Sohayl – must sit inside circle with his chair facing outwards for the rest of 2nd
Sohayl – feeling a sense of injustice
Fresh – dont even know who Sohayl is
Sohayl – basically been self isolating all year
DWPLD – across circle edition
Drama – too much to remember
Team Olly Stewart – smashing a 4 in a row
Olly – gassed for his first ever PLD nominations
Team Olly – nominating Olly
Olly – unluckeeeeee
Team corner – winning for the first time in T2
Parth – insisting on changing up the speed of PLD tune
Nobody – has a clue what is going on
Sohayl – somehow managing to schlot facing the wrong way
Knoxy – wetter than an early season Cryfield outfield
Bennett – finally completing his tequila mixers
New game – One Fat Frog
Gamble (Owen) – The Gold Cup
The Gold Cup – in ode to Cheltenham, Owen gets to nominate 3 others to join him in the feature race
Owen – nominating Patient, MT and Ridge
Odds – dished out by the bookies
Owen (50/1) – an unlikely outsider with poor form and conditions that don’t suit the heavier mare in the 3 ferlong chase
Owen – not much of a jumper these days
Jimmy P (4/1) – coming in from 6/1 throughout the day as many have had a look at him in the stable and thought “rogue cunt”
Ridge (8/1) – experienced although incredibly prone to injury and losing his most recent race
DDO handicap – tough field
Bet365 – actually offering lower odds that Ridge is shot by the SU bouncer team half way round
MT (2/1) – visually impaired but driven on by both good wack speed and Chlloydberg watching on from the grandstand
Tables – placing wacks on horses
The build up – amazing
The actual race – carnage
Ridge – falling at the 2nd jump
Little Mark – indeed ending him with a shotgun to the face
MT – losing his glasses and ending up trying to shag Chlloyd
Owen – DQ’d after inevitably cheating as fuck
Jimmy P – winning by default as he makes it to the bin
Blonde Bouncer – nearly winning the race as she laps owen chasing Jimmy P
Tables – nominating anyone and everyone with a pint close to them
Circle – essentially doing a clubwide double
1FF – Calgal is a fresher
Sash – fuming as he had shotgunned the game pre–circle
Randall – living his best life
Judas – more like Poodas after smack with this betrayal
Justice – for Wafi Choudry
Wafi – the hero that UWMCC needed at this stage
Wafi – also about as lost as SJ’s foreskin at this stage
Circle – never really getting past 2 to be honest
Sohayl – useless facing the wrong way
Phones – starting to come out
Randall – getting harsher
Recess – getting closer
Mupdates – struggling for content at the end of 2nd
Parth – dickhead
Recess – ok then
Olly Warwick – just going to the toilets and putting himself in the hole
Nobody – knows why
Even the hole – surprised as it receives its latest guest
Randall – devising a covert op to women’s hockey to steal some broccoli
Broccoli – recovered
Shnu – MIA
Fresher Laurie – KIA
Baby – KIA
Broccoli – launched back in retaliation
Care Package – inbound
Sash – way too drunk to lead 3rd surely?
Who cares – we move

3rd session
Sash – Not happy about being handed 3rd session
Sash – Rejuvenated by Liverpool going 2–0 up against Atletico in ET
Gentleman – Surprisingly strong
Wack – Who wants to?
Victims – A plenty
Who(han) – Wants coronavirus?
Nathan – Infected and doubles
Atleti – Score
Adrian – Cunt
Gamble (Ridge) – Double gamble wack
Ridge – Fuming
Singing – Thunderous
DGW – Deconstructed purple
Oh – Dear
Game – Kraus’ Cricket
Clubmen – Battered
Collapse – Inevitable
48 – All out
Milno – Cannot see that in summer
Punishment – Double
Double – Also for Llorente
Kopites – Dejected
Swedes – Gone
Ridge – Returns for deconstructed purple
VAR – Ironically the ref is caught offloading sesh
Revised total – 1 purple, 1 lager and 1 water
Cheaters – Never prosper
RIP – Toilet
Cheeri – O
Gamble (Fresher Lewis) – Fresh one min
Fresh – Look on in disgust
Sash – Stares down the Fresh like Anakin stares down the younglings
Freshlings – Given target of 14 between 7
Chances – Worse than Amogh winning anything on Cheltenham
Achieved – 15
Shock – Fresher Olly and Fresher Baby cheat
3 – Penalty pints
Fresher Olly and Fresher Baby – Grow up
Jonos – Pick up the 2 pint deficit
Duo – Back in force for what might be our last circle ever
Only – 3 games left :(
Game – S&C
Too long – It has been
Too late on – It have been to play
Relying – Heavily on senior clubmen
Alas – Even the great begin to fall
Mihir – Cricket
NJ – Coach
Ridge – School
Randall – Saying 2 words
Harvey Dent – “You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain”
Club – Dead
Need – A new game
Gamble (Fresher Joy) – Harvey Winestein
Harvey Winestein – Joy must wack a pint of wine on video tomorrow
Fresher Joy – Stunned into silence as he himself is the size of a bottle of wine
Smack – On the horizon
Game – Roman numerals
Back – To basics
Joe – Causing panic as he hits us first up with the IIIIII
MT – Looking lost without Chlloydy and Newsham
The Ghost of Turdner – To the rim!
RN – Churning through UWMCC’s lineup like Mitchel Johnson in 2013 Ashes
Carnage – Clubmen playing the wrong game, counting down, getting hit in the head with cups
WTF – Is happening
Time – To end this
Sash – a massive nonce
Gamble (Sharquis) – Tour Tie Wack
TTW – Any clubmen in tour ties wack. Any clubmen in new South Africa tour ties double
The sesh – Taking its toll as circle looks like a scene from 1917 at this point
Pints – Running low as Clubmen start to remove themselves from the equation
Game – One Fat Apache Attack Helicopter
OFAAH – One, fat, apache attack helicopter, flew, into, the, undesignated airspace, bomb
Adaptation – Required as Randall shamelessly stole One Fat Frog for 2nd session
Mihir – “To my left 1,2”
Heads – In hands
To my left 1, 2 – Weird way of saying wack and leave
The helicopter – Leaving a trail of destruction as you’d expect
Clubmen – Fleeing from the scene
Sesh – Or Dyesh?
Bouncer – Gestures free hit
Sash – Confused for a second but eventually realises what is meant
Claude – “It’s time to go!”
Micro circle – 3 tables left
Game – Speed 20+1 Table Wacking
20+1 – Reached twice in a row remarkably
Even more remarkably – No debate
Fuck – VAR
Sash – Patrinos
Showdown – Upon us
Sash – Wins on 1234
We – Love Ws


Boys – Kicking out the stragglers from rouge
KP – Told to leave Vaishakhi alone for 5 minutes, jeez
Sash – Leading the chorus
Owen – Nowhere in sight to take revenge on many ball–kickings
Singing – Powerful and relatively uneventful
The boys – Look around at each other, almost acknowledging this could be our last ride
Hearts – Poured into Jerusalem
Purple – raining down on the boys
Scenes – biblical


Carnage – As per
Fresher Baby – Passing out
Solution – Make him crowdsurf
Right shoe – Gone
The Phantom of the Poprah – Strikes again
Essex – Living up to his pikey roots and stealing every hat in sight
Some short–arse – Tries to square up and strangle Sam
Essex – Utilises long–arm advantage and pushes the geezer away like a cartoon by placing his hand on his head
Parth – In another dimension abusing people that aren’t there
Mujeeb – Getting bottled and assembling the boys
Geezer – “You’ll shit yourself when my mate starts on you”
The boys – Having none of it
Geezer – Cheerio
Nathan and Collins – Helping a certain member of UWLHC participate in the ‘Switching sides’ category
Bus – More chaotic than the NHS dealing with COVID–19
Krish and cheesy chips – A better love story than Twilight
Tragedy – Krish drops his cheesy chips
But – He bought a side of cheesy chips!
Love – Always wins out
Shnu – So excited he adorns the Viallis steps with a mix of purple, vk, jaeger and pizza
Raj – Fuck off
Sash – Obliges
Old habits – Die hard
Olly Stewart – virgin nonce
Stay safe – Go corona go!

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