Randall – sprinting back to his house to get the dress
Ballo & Aneesh – laughing at his misfortune as the U1 rocks up although the pair see another one at the bottom of the road so decide to wait for that one
Randall – somehow makes it back in time at the expense of his sweat patches
Tasty – filling the bus journey convo with a brief summary of his assessment day in London
Tasty – “there were 450 people there and only 30 went through to the next round… none of them were English”
Casual racism – unsurprisingly flowing
RGS – destination for pre PCP meal
Sandwich selection – poor at this time of day with many having a mid-Wednesday crisis as for what to have
Kraus – “well now we’re on Aussie time I think I’ll take an all-day breakfast”
Kraus – sound logic as he selects his sandwich for pre-sesh prep
19:13 – really utilising the ‘all day’ aspect of the sandwich
Old Boys – back in town yet again for an unofficial old-boys circle before the impending cricket ball on Saturday
Returning – Kraus, Clobber, Clayden, Hall, J$ and Larks
Old(er) Boys – weary of PCP after a while out of action
Gamble Pot – a social sec concoction as there are the last 4 generations of social secs present
Jewson – any of?
Clobber – also invited because he’s an all-round good bloke
PCP – big turnout with UWMCC occupying 5 tables and most of the pool room
Random Pole Lad – “do you guys have a business card that I could take for my initiations scavenger hunt?”
Gamble Table – “no sorry mate” despite everyone bar Randall possessing business cards
Pole Lad – “It’s ok, I’ve done all of the other ones and I’ve even done the bonus challenge”
Tasty – “What’s that then mate?”
Pole Lad – “well it was to find a condom and there are even more extra points if it’s been used”
Gamble Table – quickly losing interest in the whole convo
Pole Lad – “so I’ve just had a posh wank and it’s here” as he brandishes a cup with a used condom in
Kraus – “can you stop waving that near my nice, cold pint?”
Diplomacy – one way of dealing with the situation
Walking Off – another, as Randall selects his table bitches for an expected competitive table off
Aneesh & Ballo – briefed in Rouge Bar with a target of 8 tables for an above average circle
SU bloke – moves the gate an inch
Aneesh – flies up the stairs, gaining a huge head start on the other social secs
Randall – close behind as the pair swoop racks of tables and chairs effortlessly on their way through to the hallowed turf
Target – achieved
The Perfect Circle – constructed
Other clubs – jealous at how gun circle was looking as many filter up the stairs
Gun Circle – quickly destroyed as the lads realise that the size has been underestimated
Circle – now more of an irregular heptagon that spanned across most of the back right corner of CR2
Attendance – 57
Circle – officially now larger than a really large thing
Banging – starting
Randall – milking it
J$ – as cynical as ever, not enjoying how long the whole process was taking
Randall – sitting down to let the woo’s die out
MOTW – shit as nothing seems to have happened this week
Clayden – nominated for his unavailability for Cricket Ball due to prior commitments with his GF who he has only gone and broken up with earlier that day
Slayden – back in time for circle though
Larkins – also nominated for unavailability for Cricket Ball, only this time as he is selling marshmallows at a stall or some shit like that
Randall – nominated for his apparent lack of enthusiasm for the upcoming ‘Incredibles 2’ film after what can only be classed as a disappointing teaser trailer
Choppy – incredibly animated during this nomination, clearly hurt by the disrespect shown towards his childhood favourite
Kraus – “hey Chopps, aren’t you staring as the baby in the new film?”
Choppy – a man can only dream
Cheers – poor
Wack off – yeah, why not?
Larkins vs Randall – after Jon Hall withdraws his nomination as Randall says he can get Clayden a ticket
Randall – victorious, with absolutely no intention of having the dress for consecutive weeks
Sander – also made to double for a horrendous bright red converse shoe selection
New Game – 20+1
Gamble (Bozza) – Straight Arm Wack
SAW – not the start that gambler wants to his circle
Boz – shirt off
Purple – everywhere
Shirt – disappearing
20+1 standard – exceptional as UWMCC make it through 4 consecutive rounds without cocking up
New Rules – unoriginal, with L & R being swapped, 5 being old boys and of course… Table Wacking
Fresher Jinesh – “how does a table wack?”
Fresher Jinesh – watch and learn
Cock ups – now inevitable as fresh start getting involved
New Game – One Die
Gamble (Nish) – double shoe boat
Nish – surprisingly laughing at his misfortune and asked to explain why he was so jovial
Nish – points at Fresher Krishan, who has head in hands
Fresher Krish – picking tonight of all nights to lend Nish his shoes
Nish – given the option of a double out of one, or a single out of both
Unsurprisingly – Nish opts for maximum damage to the shoes as he chooses one out of each
OneDie – a gentle game for some, a heavy game for others
Others = Merriman, who yet again becomes the staple circle target
Randall – whips out a ping pong ball and sends Aneesh
Turner – waiting for the die to catch up with eachother, taking a wack for his troubles, but then placing down a stack for Fresher Thor to pick up
Fresher Thor – picks up the stack
Turner – actions justified
OneDie – allowed to run for a bit for many to catch up with the Old Boys
New Game – HoT
Gamble (Clobber) – Golden Ticket
Many – using this as a chance to go and refill pints as they don’t fancy their own chances in HoT
Roche – attempting to apply game theory to HoT
Others – attempting more of a haphazard approach
Heads – two times in a row, kimming many
Some – getting greedy and opting for a third head
Tails – She got


Timmo and Choppy – exercising their fascination with the hole and yet again and inserting fresher Amagog
Roach – a megalomaniac, forcing two more fresh into the hole as fresher Rav and some random hockey fresh are also forced into the hole
The Hole – defying the laws of physics as it takes on aspects of a black hole

2nd Session

New Game – Danny Williams PLD
SuperGamble (Nish) – man’s not hot
MNH – entails poor Nish eating a previously purchased ghost chilli and he is unable to take a drink for 2 minutes
To the tune of – Man’s not hot (shout out big shaq)
Nish – initially starting off strong, however only moments in, the heat hits
Nish – now crying and encountering immediate food sweats
Time – slowing down
Nish – calling on his Chennai roots, channelling his inner Gandhi and gritting out the last 10 seconds
15 – to nominate
Tasty – hit with a quad as he was the one that sourced the chillies
J$ – also hit with a triple for just being Jaimin
Nish – thinks the ordeal is over
Little does he know – its only just beginning
DWPLD – quality stuff
Team Fresh vs Team Roche – due to the irregularly shaped heptagon, the bin was actually about 50m away from the teams
Score – Team Roche taking a 3-1 lead into the final minute
Fresh – rallying and coming back to draw 3-3 and take the win on speed
Roche – distraught as Merriman has yet again kimmed his whole team
Team Turner vs Team Hall – complete and utter destruction as Skipper Hall shows all his experience as his team storm into a 6-0 lead
Team Turner – slotting a couple but all for nothing as they give up mid-way through their time
The finale – Team Clayden vs Team Kraus
Kraus – part of the famous Wack Shack team that claim to have never lost apart from this one time
Clayden – gives a rallying team talk to his team in an attempt to retain his pride from the glory days
Team Kraus – fly into a 3-0 lead as Clayden’s team talk seems to have done jack shit
Overtime – thanks Danny Williams
Team Clayden – mount an epic comeback, needing 4 in order to overturn the speed + score combo
Fresher Jinsesh – throws his pint as the buzzer goes off
Basketball rules – apply
Ballo – “It’s Good”
Crowd – go wild as the comeback is nearly as good as Barca’s at PSG last year
New Game – ICICN
Gamble (Clayden) – Countdown
Countdown – the gamble contains 9 random letters which Clayden has to make a word out of in 30 seconds – the size of the word equates to how many he has to nominate
G E R I G T D R E – the challenge
Clayden – “Ridge” and 5 to nominate
Turner – “Lengthens”
Dictionary corner (Clobber) – “ooooh sorry Charlie, that’s shit, but you could have had Triggered for a 9”
ICICN – Paedophilic Celebs
Adam Johnson – certainly
Rolf Harris – kind of
Charlie Turner – duh (was on countdown you know)
ICICN – Things Rick Astley will never do
Lyrics – recycled
Fresher Ivan – struggling as he still needs 3 after the lyrics have finished
Fresher Ivan – “a grammy?”
Fresher Ivan – good effort
ICICN – People/Groups that Donald Trump has offended during his time as President
Mexicans – Yes
Muslims – Yes
Consuela – Probably
Tim Payne – No
New Game – Back 2 Wack
Gamble – Gladiators
Gladiators – A slow wacker (Fresher Will) is nominated to do a minute challenge and then a fast wacker (Clobber) is nominated to try and beat him
Contestant – ready
Fresher Will – manages a streaky 3
Gladiator – ready
Clobber – needing 4 to win, only manages 3
Back 2 Wack – a Nish variation of the famous Back to Back
B2W – involves two people, back to back, in a wack off while the crowd stay silent and after both wackers have finished they both guess if they won or lost, if they both get it right they get pints to nominate, if they don’t they wack again
Freshers Jono v Jack – Jack takes the win but both freshers think they’ve won and wack again
Clobber v Tasty – the showdown
Tasty – takes a narrow victory but Clobber also thinks he’s won after not losing in a pint race for 5 years
Turner v Probert – Probert DQ’d for a false start
Louie v Merriman – so slow that Recess was called


Fresher Jacob – can’t take any more and runs to the toilet and spews all over resident DDO Kinners
Kinners – absolutely covered in chunder and stripping off and wearing an exec jacket only
Fresher Jacob – running home and not seen again
Tasty – updating the achievements section of his CV after his victory over Clobber

3rd Session
New Game – Kraus’ Cricket
Kraus – nodding in appreciation
Gamble (Choppy) – La Decima
Choppy – getting himself in the correct mental state to take on the challenge
Choppy – sends the first pint very quickly
Crowd – expectant
Choppy – fails dramatically as he finally finishes his pint in 22.14 seconds
Kraus’ Cricket – UWMCC still shit even with old boys experience
UWMCC – 69 a/o with the wickets doubling
New Game – Reverse Sherwin Ball
Gamble – Fresher 1 min Challenge
Target – 24 between 12 fresh with few pints left
Fresh – smashing the target with 29
Fresher Krishan – given the surplus 5 to nominate
Fresher Krishan – aims straight for brother Aneesh
Aneesh – hiding under the table
RSB – off to a quick start, quickly down to the last 15
The next 15 – literally taking ages to complete
Merriman – unsurprisingly left stranded on 1
New Game – Speed 20+1

Gamble (Fresher Toby) – Big Tasty Belly Button Challenge
Tasty – shirt undone, slapping his darb in some sort of ritual as he lowers himself to the chairs
Fresher Toby – concerned as to when the last time Tasty cleaned his belly button
Tasty – pulling out some fluff, “at least in the past week or so mate”
Sambuca – taking a while to go down
S20+1 – cut short by the circling bouncers with many just wacking what they had and then launching tables and chairs

Megamix – huge with 3 ex-social secs employed
Chicago – massive
Jerusalem – even bigger with the start of the Ashes coinciding with megamix
Some – to pop
Others – perched in Rouge for the test
Cook – leaves the first ball as a huge VK race ensues to commence the beginning of the series
Ballo – winning with impressive speed and celebrating
Cook – gets out and cuts celebrations short
Fresher Harry – bragging about his chop to Tasty
Tasty – “wait do you mean Georgie that lives in the flat below Joe?”
Fresher Harry – nodding smugly
Fresher Harry – getting Tastied as he finds out that he has shared a girl with Tasty within the past couple of weeks
Smirk – wiped off his face
Nish – with genuine fire in his eyes, struggling to chirpse as every time he opens his mouth, fire comes out
Fresher Jono’s – becoming entrapped by Pole as they circle around the vulnerable fresh
Hat – stolen at rouge causing havoc as the halo is apparently more valuable than a UWMCC baggy
Merriman – looking extra slim after his winter dieting plan as his trousers become increasingly more like some hot pants from the 3rd Reich
Thor – decided to cack Merriman more and more with each time becoming more and more amusing
Thor – also deciding to attempt to pick up Fresher Owen with very limited success
Choppy – “can I have a cig mate?”
Smoking area – populated by UWMCC trying to listen to TMS
J$ – incensed that Choppy is asking for ciggs and decides to wrestle Choppy repeatedly
POP – drawing to a close with many members going home to watch the cricket
Randall – making his toastie, turns around to find Choppy carrying his flatmate into the house having fallen off of the U1
Dan Lewis – gets home in an incredibly drunken state which many UWMCC members know, is when the president is at his rougest
Lewis – seemingly subdued this evening, decides that he needs a shit to round off his night however, in an unfortunate turn of events for the pres, he manages to block his toilet with his flatmates towel. In a moment of complete irrationality and madness, Dan decides that the only viable option is to shit on the floor of the bathroom despite the presence of another bathroom in the house. The poo has recently been described as “so solid that you could play catch with it” and unfortunately, this is not even the worst part of the story.
Lewis’ flatmate – wakes up for his 9am and has a shower, completely unaware to the shit in the corner of the room and after a long drying process, manages to step into said shit.
Shower – round 2 needed
Lewis – clean up needed
UWMCC – help needed

Widget is loading comments…