“Jesus, the U1 that we are on has just crashed into a woman”
Lies – constructed by Randall and Roche to cover for their lateness to the exec meeting
Women – unharmed in the making of this lie
Chairman Nish – unhappy, promising punishments at future exec circle
Dan Lewis – much like Mugabe, under house arrest and unable to attend exec meeting/circle
Exec Meeting – odd, as many exec are wearing fancy dress
PCP – a slow burner, with many taking time to perfect their costumes
Theme – famous duos
Noticeable Shout Outs – Tasty & Choppy (Ash & Pikachu), Freshers Thor & Ivan (Jon Snow & Daenerys), Ballo & Ferdi (Mario & Luigi)
Luigi – elected as table bitch
SU – allowing table bitches up a staggering 20 minutes early this week
Mens Hockey, Womens Hockey and Lacrosse – all fighting over who has Chill Out this week
Randall & Ferdi – capitalising, stealing as many tables and chairs as they can
Lacrosse – conceding defeat to Mens Hockey, wander over to the vacated space in CR2
Tables – none left
Cricket Circle – 9 tables strong
Randall – not giving any away, despite begging from Lacrosse
Men – piling upstairs, pints ready
Banging – starting very early as it seems that UWMCC have sorted their shit out and everyone is ready to go by 8:15
GENTLEMEEEEEEEN!! – nice
MOTW – very few this week
Randall – nominated for a kamikaze Kasbah. After a long hard day of being a fresher, Randall is messaged by Tasty asking if he was going to Kasbah that evening and after some real cajoling, is convinced to go but ‘just for a quiet one’. After a heavy K-Cider pre’s, Randall soon finds himself in upstairs Kassy B necking not 1, but 4 long island ice teas/dirty daiquiris with the lads. A quiet one? I think not. Unsurprisingly, on the uniexpress on the way home, it all catches up with a now feeble Randall, as he spews all over the floor of the bus with what can only be described as the River Chund now at his feet. In an attempt to salvage any pride, he decides to drop a few pound coins into the sea of sick in order to tip whoever is clearing it up later. Generous.
Thor – nominated for ungodly acts. At the same Kasbah, Fresher Thor is also persuaded to go out very last minute and immediately has his shark on at pre’s. Spotting potential pray (Fresher Owens flat mate), he quickly gets to work with the chirpse. After a long hard pursue, Thor finds himself being told by the girl that she isn’t looking for a one night stand, but a relationship.
Alarm Bells – ringing
Undeterred by the treat of a psychotic bint trap, Thor ploughs ahead, still hard on the grind.
The rest of the story – irrelevant as Randall is already donning the dress, essentially Thor bottled a chop
Chains – in play with two 118 pairs linked, 6 tennis players (Venus & Sarina, Federer & Nadal and the Murray brothers) all chained.
Randall & Ozanne – Trump and a Mexican
Freshers Jack and Harry – Trump and the Wall
Chain – I think so
The Wall – also part of GoT, therefore linking Jon Snow and Daenerys as well
Aneesh – linked to Roche as he has come as Roche with a Pie
Darb – on point
Freshers Rory & Owen – the famous duo of carling and stowford press
Holmes & Watson – also circling tonight
New Game – 20+1
Gamble (Fresher Jack) – RAG first dates, does what is says on the tin and fresher Jack will be appearing on RAG first dates
20+1 – initially started by Tasty as Duncan comes over for a chat with Randall
The Bin – not for chunder, because apparently nobody should throw up at circle
Duncan – kindly get fucked
20+1 – brutal, setting off most chains every game
Trump/GoT chain – needing more pints after just 3 rounds
New Rules – every multiple of 5 skips an extra two people, every multiple of 4 is a Mario character and L+R are reversed
Circle – fucked
Chains – the reason
Tasty – voluntarily takes a 4 in a row to set off most of circle
New Game – begged for
New Game – BBW
Gamble (Choppy) – Super Smash Bros
SSB – a boat race between all SSB characters
Raj – drafted in as his Monkey costume is now Donkey Kong
Louie – also drafted as he is a banana
Race – uneventful
BBW – shambolic as chains are set off all over the shop
Holmes & Watson – both wrong consecutively and essentially doubling
Circle – already disappearing as chains are taking their toll
New game – Tinder
Gamble (Wack Mallows) – 1 min plank challenge
Mallows – a fine effort despite being bombed with cups
Mallows – succeeds but is shocked to find he still has to drink his pint
Tinder – a game played with total mass destruction in mind
Mass destruction – completed with plenty of matches
Super Like Round – Choppy and Fresher Daenerys matched
Chains – meaning that doubles are being done all over the place
Daenerys – breaker of chains
Recess – couldn’t come soon enough
Timmo and Fresher Rory – heading back to the hole as the pair left a vk in the hole last week, wondering if it would still be there this week
VK – gone
The Hole – becoming more mysterious by the week
Holmes & Watson – on the case
Timmo – then heads to the toilet for his weekly first recess poo
Timmo – after sitting down, has his shoes and bottom of his trousers covered in sick as the person in the cubicle next to him projectiles onto the floor, spraying Tim through the gap
Culprit – Merriman
Tasty – goes to sit back in his seat
Seat
Sea
Se
See
See Y
See Ya
Danger Chair
CR2 – erupts
2nd Session – underway
New Game – PLD
Super Gamble (Ballo) – Ladyboy Chaser
UWMCC – doing their bit for LGBT week with this addition
LBC – a pint of Guinness, a G&T and a shot of Sambuca
Ballo – sent to the bar
Charity Pot Donations – a precursor to PLD for Movember
Fresher Thor – starting things off with a £5 note
Many – scrambling for change
Curtis – opting to have his wallet open on his table, showing that he has coins to burn to any potential enemies
Pints – being sent across circle at a staggering rate
£37.02 – raised
37 wacks – dished out/avoided
£0.02 – thanks to the generous donator
PLD – schlottage action once again returns
Team Roche vs Team not Roche – a quality 4-3 encounter with a 180 for team Roche
Controversy – in another game as it finishes 1-1 and a tie on speed
Away goals – any of?
Decider – penalty shootout, sudden death from the off
Tasty – elected
Turner – steps up
Turner – schlots
Tasty – misses
CR2 – buzzing
Ferdi – reaching some crazy high notes during the chants
New Game – Duck Duck Moose
Gamble – White Walkers
WW – 2x Ice VK for any GoT themed member
The Wall – included
DDM – funny as no clubmen were feeling fresh at this point
Chance – to claim some real scalps
Merriman – starts things off
Merriman’s speed – staggering
Clubmen – discussing what tasks they can complete in the time it takes Mez to do a pint
‘Double’ – probably
‘Wank’ – maybe
‘Score a ton on a day 4 track in Mumbai against Warne, Murali and Moeen’ – perhaps harsh
Confusion – as many mooses are poorly aimed and the wrong person rises to the challenge
Fresher Northern Jono – stands when the target is Sash
‘Get your tits out’ – chants beginning, as fresher northern Jono is concealing some delightful B cups as part of his costume
Fresher Sash – not to be outdone, stands up and tops Fresher Jono’s fake B’s with his real C’s
Circle – loving the Sarina/Venus boob display
Circle – also more of a semi-circle at this point with so many casualties
New Game – ICICN
Gamble (Fresher Owen) – Pinball Wizard
PW – a pack of maoam pinballs magically appear as Fresher Owen selects Aneesh (thinking that it was Roche) to catch as many in their mouth across circle in a minute, with the successful number to be nominated
8 – nice gary
Fresher Owen – picking on his poor fellow fresh
ICICN – “1 sex position”
Circle – sending it
Fresher Kieron Patel – claimed on 20 something
UWMCC – ambitious as we are all virgins
‘Reverse Doggy’ – awaiting verification as I’m not sure the urban dictionary definition is actually possible
Urban Dictionary – Reverse Doggy: Sexual Position where the guy bends over in front of the girl and sticks his dick back between his legs to fuck her
Fresher Kieron Patel – struggling and concedes defeat
Tasty – stands up and reels off another 8 positions that were required to get to the target
Fresher Amogog – “fuck me, how much porn does he watch?”
ICICN – English batsmen to have scored 50+ in an Ashes innings
Someone – no chance at this stage with an 18
Ballo – returns with his Ladyboy Chaser
Guinness – mysteriously half empty
Randall – letting it slide… for now
Ballo – managing to make it through
Recess – thank fuck
The Bar – losing electricity and therefore the ability to take any Eating at Warwick payments
Many – profiting as the nooby bar staff panic
Free Pints – fuck yeah
Randall – snooping around, finds a mysterious half pint of Guinness lying around
Purple + Guinness concoction – awating one poor circler
Fresher Owen – deciding to place a double on SkyBet and bringing in a cool £40.69 win
Drunk Gambling – proven to be good for you
3rd Session
White Walkers – completed with Jon Snow beating the wall and Daenerys
New Game – Back to Back (to Back)
Gamble (Choppy) – Double Gamble Wack
The End – is nigh
Choppy – sends his double before pulling out the £5 Movember donation
Charity Sec – always donating
Another One – looming
Choppy – eyeing up is pint with a nervous look on his face
A Wild Merriman – Appears
Tasty – stands up, whips his cap backwards and sends a home-made pokeball into Merrimans forehead
Merriman – dead
Tasty – the new owner of the Express
Merriman – much like Magikarp, pretty fucking useless
B2B(2B) – a variation of back to back with a trio of victims being asked questions
Sesh – maximised
Wack Mallows – not drinking for most likely to chop tonight despite having a GF at home
Wack Mallows – more like Wank Mallows now
Questions – generally harsh but funny
Louie – now a purple covered banana, managing to confront a bint from Lacrosse over Rajakanthan’s chair
The Corner – incensed at the injustice, firing anything and everything at anyone not from cricket
Lacrosse – covered in what appeared to be a steak and kidney pie
Roche – fucking gutted
Hetty (part of womens cricket, but also circling with LAX) – “don’t worry, Ill sort it” as she tries to calm tensions using her inter-club-relations
Randall – throwing all friendships aside, “Hetty, this is why everyone fucking hates Lacrosse”
Lacrosse – about as popular as Hitler at a bar mitzvah
Shit – hitting the fan
The Wall – moved to prevent further conflict
Trumps – jubilant that their idea is working
New Game – One Fat Slag
Bitterness – spilling over into the new game
Gamble – Darbados Double
DD – with the gamble pot writers MIA/KIA, Randall decides that anyone going to Barbados will be doubling
Randall – kimming himself, now in a world of trouble
Another Gamble – pulled
Gamble#2 (Fresher Rory) – L+R magic roundabout
Turner – unusually happy about being spun around
Merriman – not really showing the same enthusiasm
Randall – leaving circle to compose himself
Tasty – taking over
1FS – kimming the fresh as nobody has told them the slag variation
Cooper – fuming somewhere
Tasty – cutting the game short to play a new game and gamble again
Randall – returns and sits on the outside of circle
Excitement – gets the better of Randall as he stupidly gambles
New Game – Reverse Sherwin Ball
Gamble (Randall) – La decima
La Decima – the gamble that clubmen want, but not the gamble that clubmen need
Timer – set
Countdown – begins
Randall – 10.53, missing the 10 second mark which was so successfully completed by Bozza last week
Randall – defeated, retreating back to the toilets
RSB – who knows
Micro Circle – who knows
Circle – rumours that a select few are still going up there
Meggamix – Randall having a mare as he can’t remember how to start any of the songs
The Penny – drops
You are… – a shit social sec
Fresher Rav – “not my social sec”
Fresher Rav – justified, despite no prior experience of another social sec
Meggamix – a loud mess
Fresher Jono’s – staying strong and carrying the boys through with aid of Turner
A girl – trying to join in
Thor – decides enough is enough and uses his god-like strength to hurl the bint onto the sofas
Fresher Krishan – in shock
Chicago – sacked
Destination – Pop
Some – didn’t make it
Rouge Bar – well occupied
Ballo – running round giving everyone love bites
Outrage – as health and welfare is being run by a charity this week, charging for popcorn
UWMCC – fuming as they have already given enough to charity tonight
Pikachu – use quick grab
Popcorn – stolen
Smoking area – littered with clubmen, taking a real breather from the sesh
Mario & Luigi – planning an Eiffel Tower
Fresher Harry – losing his wall blazer and phone
Fresher Harry – panicking as the jacket is a rental
Randall – losing his wallet for the 3rd time this year
Randall – not panicking as he’s done it all before and has nothing left to steal
Choppy – passed out in the smoking area
Freshers – staying strong till the end
Strong – not a word that could be used to describe the rest of UWMCC at this point
The rest – escapes me
UWMCC – a chain induced fatality
Next week – ‘We go again’ (Gemes, 2017)