As many clubmen know, week 10 marks a huge date in the UWMCC calendar. That day is a chance for one lowly fresher to chirpse, wack and strawpedo his way to club stardom. He has to beat off competition from all the other freshers and their scheming mentors. He has to beat off other downstairs social secs as he steals one of their girls mid-circle. He has to beat off the temptation to give up half way through when all seems lost. This is cheeky fresh. In recent times, we have read about the origins of cheeky fresh in ancient Egypt. We hear about the glory and lifelong fame attached to this prestigious title but it is not often that we hear about the poor fresh that narrowly miss out on the title. The runners up. The 2nd placers. In recent times, it has been a curse bestowed on the two previous social secs Randall and Tasty however this has not always been the case. In 1865, the exec, led by President and ex-cheeky Lincoln, had planned the cheekiest of cheeky fresh competitions for the freshers of that year. A pint of purple, a handstand pint and a bottle of wine was followed by the freshers running downstairs to find a lady whom they had to serenade back upstairs and do a shoe boat of mead from her shoe. The competition was rounded off by three shots of moonshine and a beer bong of Guinness. The hot favourite, John Wilkes Booth (Fresher Boothy to everyone else), had demonstrated incredible speed in that years freshers Jim Beam cup alongside the ability to chop at seemingly free will. He started off strongly, and was the first one downstairs although Fresher Thomas Edison was close behind. After a frantic search, Fresher Boothy found a willing girl from Pole society (obviously) and raced upstairs, only to find that Fresher Thomas Edison was already wacking the mead from his girls shoe. Try as he might, Fresher Boothy could not recover as Fresher Edison demolished the shoe-boat, shots and beer-bong at unbelievable speed to take a surprising and suspicious victory. During the traditional ensuing cheeky powerplay, Fresher Boothy overheard President Lincoln bragging to the other mentors about how he had cheated by cutting holes in the girls shoe so that Fresher Edison had barely any mead to drink as it was pouring out of the sole while also substituting the moonshine for water. Fresher Boothy was fuming as he had to tap out of circle to try and calm himself after being robbed of his deserving cheeky fresh title. In the toilets, he started plotting the demise of President Lincoln and before too long he found himself singing along to Amazing Grace in megamix with a cunning plan in place. After megamix finished, Fresher Boothy snuck behind the bar and crept up behind an unsuspecting President Lincoln who was sat on the infamous perch in Rouge Bar chirpsing away merrily. He popped up and shouted “you’re ugly” before shooting President Lincoln in the back of the head and killed him. Bouncer Baz rushed to the scene and apprehended Fresher Boothy, ejecting him from the Copper Rooms and banning him from circle for the rest of his life. A sad end to a sad story.

Fast Forward – 2017
Colonel Sander – scheming with ex-cheeky Lewis
Freshers – meeting up for some pre circle Dominos in an attempt to line their stomachs for the upcoming
2nd/3rd years – attempting an end of year wings Wednesday but The Clarendon’s oven was broken so Satchwell’s will do
Pairs – announced an hour before circle by Randall in order to generate some hype
Reality – further hype not needed
Ballo et al. – writing a Christmas themed gamble pot with some real crackers (lol) in there
PCP – light
Mentors – huddled around a little table as Sander opens up his bag of goodies
Challenge – how do you smuggle in 4l of tomato juice, 5 jars of herbs, 3 packs of cream crackers, 4 bottles of pickle and mint sauce and an outrageous number of strawberry laces in?
Answer – jackets
Randall – taking all the spices in each of his jacket pockets, becoming a human spice rack in the process
Ferdi – deciding to smuggle the cartons of juice down his trousers
Tasty – opting for crackers down his sleeves
The Trio – looking utterly ridiculous but fooling the bouncers anyway
Circle – large with yet another 50+ turnout
GENTLEMEN!!! – raucous with many mentors and fresh alike using it as an opportunity to let off some nervous energy
Woo’s – never-ending
Randall – “Next Woo doubles”
Rajakanthan – “WOOOOOOOOOOOO”
Raj – stands and starts doubling
Many – mocking how Raj seems to develop Parkinson’s as he wacks
Raj – playing up to this, uncontrollably sends his double covering everyone around him in purple with some furious shaking
MOTW Nominations – good quality
Dan Lewis – After returning from a heavy week 8 circle, Dan decides that the only way to round off this big evening was with a big shit. Somehow, he manages to block the toilet with his flatmates towel. Instead of doing the logical thing of going downstairs and using the other toilet, Dan decides that there is a more convenient solution as he squats down and shits on the floor. The next morning, a flatmate of Dan’s wakes up for his 9am and tries to hop in the shower, only to step in the shit left by Dan the night before. To his horror, he looks up to find shit smeared across the wall. Did Dan throw it at the wall last night? Nobody knows. Shitgate.
Thor – nominated for one of the most heinous crimes a UWMCC clubman can commit
Thor – has shown many of his flatmates Mupdates and the Bulletin Board which somehow has circled round and ended up with members of the club being challenged on nights out
Thor – cunt
Fresher Jack – nominated for Rag Dates whoppery. As we all know, Fresher Jack pulled out the RAG dates gamble a few weeks ago and subsequently had to write a dating CV to send off so that he could be matched up with someone. After bigging himself up big time and adding a photo of him wearing a toga (to show he is a fun guy), Fresher Jack expected to be swimming in the matches. Unfortunately for Jack, he did not match with anyone this term and will have to wait until next term for a date. Get back on Tinder.
Winner – resoundingly Dan Lewis
Thor – made to double for his actions
New Game – 20+1
Randall – “who wants a gamble?”
Fresher Owen – flings his arm forward
Timmo (Owens mentor) – “NOOOOOO WHAT ARE YOU DOING??”
Fresher Owen – brave
Gamble – Santa’s Little Helpers
SLH – a great gamble, creating a chain between Choppy and anyone as short or shorter than Choppy for the session
Vertically Challenged – Choppy and Freshers Rav, Ivan and Rory
20+1 – completed first go
New Rule – table wacking
Freshers – gutted, with chains + tables spoiling plans for a quiet 1st session
20+1 – strategically cocked up by mentors to target other mentors/freshers
New rule – 1-5 is England’s 1-5 in the last test
Aneesh – struggling with England’s no.3
Time – running out as Vince is revealed
Aneesh – “well he shouldn’t be there anyway”
Aneesh – very correct
New Game – OneDie
Gamble (Wack Jallows) – Sing along Christmas Song
Wack – despite having so many X-Mas bangers to choose from, decides to go for Fairytale of New York from the start, attempting to do both male and female parts
Mallows – struggling through before the chorus gets everyone up
OneDie – again, strategic with chains still in play
Rumours – Tasty rolling three 3’s in a row and sending pints at other people each time
Tasty – sneaky
Ferdi – rolling a 6 and deciding that he wasn’t drunk enough so nominates himself a wack
Timmo – performing a complete U-Turn and after rolling a 6, decides to nominate his mentee
Fresher Owen – really struggling now
Fresher Owen – not alone as all in the chain are repeatedly hit with fingers
New Game – Tinder
Gamble (Amogog) – ICICN all of Santa’s Reindeer
Amogog – struggling, gets about half way through before having to double and leave circle
Timmo – “Fairwell Aragog, King of the Arachnids” as he leaves
Tinder – a fitting way to finish first session, with matches all over the place
Super Like Round – Merriman yet again matching with someone
SLR – some would say it’s a Merriman conspiracy, others would say Merriman is just shit at the game
Recess – needed
Bar – ready for an absolute hounding
Freshers – smuggled into the toilets and guarded by Tasty, the gatekeeper
Circle – dismantled as mentors assemble the crazy amount of alcohol in lines for their freshers
Sanders vision – A pint of purple, 3 cream crackers (no aid of drink), a dirty pint consisting of spices, mint sauce, pickle, purple and vodka lemonade. Then a trek downstairs to find a girl to bring back up, tie a strawberry lace around her wrist and a wack off vs their juan. If you lose, you are DQ’d. Then, to finish, 3 VK’s and a pint of Guinness. Mentors not allowed downstairs.
Tasty – given the signal and begins a rousing speech about how one of them can catapult themselves to stardom
Fresh – inspired
Tasty – releases the fresh, narrowly avoiding a stampede as the 20-strong field charge to their mentors
Crackers – a real challenge
Dirty Pint – even worse
Favourite Fresher Sash – one of the first few down stairs
Thor – first back upstairs ridiculously quickly with Mentor Curtis’ pre-planning clear to see
Thor – opening up a huge lead
Freshers Rav, Dyson and Ridge – back upstairs and quickly catching Thor up
Fresher Pru – losing his wack off to his juan and DQ’d
VK’s – sent by the quartet
The rest of the field – now back upstairs and chundering everywhere as they attempt the VK’s
The smell – wafting across CR2 as many other circles stop to watch the spectacle
Thor – sends his Guinness with ruthless efficiency to claim the 2k17 title
Celebrations – beginning
Many fresh – valiant as they complete their challenge despite already having lost
Circle – being rebuilt as the results are collected
1st – Thor (mentor Curtis)
2nd – Rav Parmar (mentor Lewis)
3rd – Jack Ridge (although there is an ongoing enquiry as to Probert going downstairs with him)
4th – Ben Dyson (mentor Randall)
Recess – a chance to dry off, clear up and throw up some more

3rd Session – beginning
Super Gamble (Murphy) – King Herrod
King Herrod – essentially enter the Rhineland with anyone catching eye contact with Murphy bagging themselves a wack
New Game – The Trail of Jeremy Roche
Roche – has no idea what’s going on as he is summoned to the middle of Circle
Judge Turner – elected
The Prosecution – Choppy
The Defence – Merriman
The Jury – 12 fresh sworn in with pints
The Trail – a backlash from UWMCC for all crimes committed by Jeremy Roche this term
Judge Turner – “ORDEEEER”
Prosecution – beginning, with Choppy calling various witnesses to the stand to give evidence of Roche’s misconduct
Evidence – including pissing in a jäger-bomb and giving to a clubman to drink, awful net chat throughout the year, ABH (biting clubmen on the nipple on nights out), GBH (punching clubmen in the cock on nights out), destroying clubmen’s chirpse and never buying anyone a drink on a night out despite demanding drinks from everyone.
Defence – literally pointless
Verdict – guilty on all counts
Sentence – a double dirty Guinness now and a double at the start of every 2nd session next term
Judge Turner – harsh but fair
Roche – despondent but accepting his fate
New Game – Reverse Sherwin Ball
Gamble (Ferdi) – Seshlehem
Seshlehem – involves Ferd electing one member of the club to be Jesus as he takes the role of Mary in the middle of circle. Mary will cradle Baby Jesus on her lap while Jesus doubles from her breast to the tune of away in a manger
Jesus – Rhino
Seshlehem – fucking hilarious
RSB – quick as by complete luck the club moves from 18 – 6 with no matches
Chattle – stitched at the end
Randall – relinquishing control of circle to Thor for his Cheeky Powerplay
Thor – taking Gentlemen to a new extreme as he charges around circle screaming loads of shit in Norwegian
Circle – confused but going along with it anyway
Sander – no longer cheeky and will probably now disappear from the club again until next year’s cheeky
New Game – Premier League Darts
Gamble – Fresh 1 Min Challenge
Fresh – fucked
Target – 30 between 20
Target – reached
Fresher Sash – appearing with a girl from downstairs Circle, raising many eyebrows
Fresher Sash – despite being Cheeky Fresh favourite, has failed for over an hour to chirpse a girl downstairs and half way through 3rd session has only just found one to bring up
Club – in stitches
Fresher Sash – sat down but commended for his resilience
PLD – farcical as Thor fails to count how many people there are in circle and has no idea who’s played and who hasn’t
The last Matchup – descends into complete anarchy as Sittampalam starts up
Sittampalam – not stopping for at least 5 minutes as Thor tries to wrestle back control of circle by throwing empty VK bottles at people and screaming more Norwegian
Vein on Thor’s head – looking as if it’s about to burst
New Game – 1 Fat Frog
Gamble (Dyson) – Jingleballs
Jingleballs – Dyson has to double while jingling his balls in the middle of circle to the tune of jinglebells
Balls – not enough jingling
International Cock or Ball – a seemingly inevitable follow up
Dyson – not fooling many with an obvious ball
Ballo – having a poke at one point
Thor – finally gets circle under control to start 1FF and trusts Randall to start the game
Circle – needs no invitation
Thor – suicidal
Randall – decides to try and take back control
Gentlemen – brief
New Game – Speed 20+1
Gamble – Oh Christmas Tree
OCT – gambler picks two helpers who, altogether, have 30 seconds to double and construct a pyramid like Christmas tree with their cups
Tree – completed with seconds to spare
Each – having 6 to nominate
Doubles – fired at Millman, Timmo, Rhino Crino and Curtis
S20+1 – wack and leave enforced as circle whittles down quickly
Last 10 – seemingly having surplus pints so new game needed
New Game – Speed Micro Cricket
Gamble (fresher Jack) – White Christmas
WC – 3 white VK’s left over from Cheeky Fresh have to go in 3 mins
Fresher Jack – valiant effort, alas another one bites the dust
SMCricket – excellent standard with the 9 left standing reaching a respectable 72-6 before the bouncers call time on circle
Bouncers – shocked to find the state of the floor as UWMCC peg it downstairs before any punishments can be dished out
Megamix – filled with cock ups, popcorn and VK’s
Many – charging into pop to get over their Cheeky loss
Merriman – emerges in Rouge Bar with only one shoe
Tasty – “Merriman… wtf?”
Merriman – explaining that the devious duo of Ballo and Choppy have stolen it in the smoking area
Tasty – acting as Merriman’s knight in shining armour heads outside only to find Ballo has launched it over the smoking area fence
Merriman – collapses to the ground as he describes it as his “favourite shoe ever”
All – seeming lost for young Sean before he is hit with a moment of brilliance
Merriman – “I’ll just go and get it then”
Clubmen – in hysterics as Merriman states the fucking obvious
Ballo – goes with Mez to help and encounters Raj on the outside
Raj – returning from his 3rd shit of the night as the bouncer has genuine concerns for his health
Fresher Harry – deciding to try his luck with the 26 year old in Rouge Bar
26 year old – a proper cougar, circling the fresh
Fresher Harry – gets balls deep into his chirpse before finding out that she has a boyf
Fresher Harry – unperturbed by this loss, moves onto the girl directly next to her as he sets off again
Louie – watching intently
Louie – realising the girl might be keen for something, swoops in and steals Fresher Harry’s girl again
Fresher Harry – more like Fresher Parry as he parries another girl onto a clubman
Fresher Sash – returning from Pop with a couple of Christmas hats
Fresher Sash – proud and showing off
Rhino – unamused as he lets Sash know that Ballo’s record of 27 santa hats and Christmas lights still stands and is a record that will never be broken
Fresher Sash – determined, disappears back into pop only to come back 5 minutes later with half a Christmas tree
Lads – impressed but still no Ballo
Fresher Southern Jono – trying to impress a girl with his chirpse, but senses it’s not really going anywhere so decides to start insulting her in Hebrew
Fresher Northern Jono – still trying to dry his shirt off in the downstairs toilets
Disco Dave – giving an impromptu shout out to ‘Big Jonny Hall’
The Merriman Express – tweeting @ Dave, telling him the unfortunate news that Jon left for LSE literally a term ago
Disco Dave – absolutely gutted as he has been shouting him out every week and even saw him a few weeks ago
Choppy – messaging the group chat, “lads, I have some really sad news”
Clubmen – worried
Choppy – “August Ames has just committed suicide”
UWMCC – straight into mourning the loss of a sensational pornstar, with many meeting at the bar for a VK in her memory
Ballo – “who is August Ames?”
The anti-chop – strikes again
Fresher Owen – getting with a genuine blue whale
Blue Whale – probably the only girl in Pop that couldn’t run away from Fresher Owen due to size
Dan Lewis – somehow serenading two girls at the same time with the story about how he shit on the floor
Dan Poowis – not even embarrassed
Girls – mesmerised
Roche – taking absolutely no notice of his trial, goes up to Fresher James Sood and starts demanding drinks without any return
James Sood – falling for it
Robin Sood – giving to the poor
Turner – calling Roche out on it
Roche – running back into pop like the convict he is
Randall – brandishing his hot chilli powder that he’d saved from earlier and depositing it into Ferdi’s mouth
Ferdi – initially taking it well before eventually turning into a spicy version of the cinnamon challenge
Fresher Rory – on hand to save Ferdi by washing it down with some VK
UWMCC – in a big circle singing away the Christmas tunes before 2am signals the end of the night
End of the night – apart from UWMCC
Freshers – head back to Fresher Ivans kitchen with Fresher Social Sec/Dictator Rory demanding that Fresher Ivan do 3 shots of chilli sauce
Fresher Ivan – dazed and confused but does them anyway
Fresher Southern Jono – gambling and pulling out ‘Daddy’
Fresher Southern Jono – has Daddy written on his head in permanent marker and will regret that during his 10am politics seminar
Meanwhile – U1 absolutely packed
Dan Poowis’ Flatmate – “the pooing incident isn’t even the worst thing. We have had no toilet paper for like 3 weeks and we have all decided to buy our own secret stash but we know that Dan doesn’t have one. Despite this, Dan has just continued on his merry way. We don’t think he wipes after he shits”
UWMCC – in stitches, is there anything our glorious leader won’t do?
Rhino – missing the last bus
Rhino – stranded by himself so opting to wander the kitchens of Roots, deciding that he wants a cup of tea
Rhino – thinks that it would be too ‘bait’ to make a cup of tea in a Roots kitchen because it could take too long and someone could walk in, so he decides to steal all the components needed for a cup of tea (including the kettle) and run to the Library to make one
Aneesh – called to pick Rhino up from the Library despite just getting off the U1
Aneesh – “don’t worry mate, I’m omw”
Rhino – passing time by playing snake on the Library computers
The Pair – loose
Thor – rewarded by the Viking gods with some cheeky snow to mark his cheeky victory
UWMCC – we can’t all be cheeky, but if there was a roguest club competition, I think we would win

Widget is loading comments…