UWMCC – in high spirits after a successful chop social with Ladies Hockey
Roach – renamed on the group chat as the ‘Wizard of Oz’ after pulling a girl called Dorothy
Tasty and Larkins – once again sharing girls on the hockey night out
Fresher Joe – being cock-blocked by a girl almost as unbearable as Murphy
Tasty – using the services of ‘Hotel Sander’ after Fresher Seb stupidly agrees to let him chop in his bed
Turner – using the services of Hotel Randall
Fresher hotels – patented
Inter-club relations – at an all-time high
Yeti – rumoured to be making his circle return
Spicy Bites – ordering in extra food in preparation for the Yeti
CMD rehearsals – starting unproductively as ever, with chair races being the sport of choice
Rooty – missing yet another rehearsal
Rooty – shit bloke
Routine – looking good for the most part
Ballo – still not managing to grasp the simple concept of dance
Bozza – noticeably absent, having been conscripted to join his Juan at Birmingham Christmas Market
Georgia – any of learning that Wednesday = seshday??
Rehearsals – sweaty
Tasty – sweatier than most
UWMCC – raiding the Duck for the well-known PCMDPCPD
Tasty – stealing Bexson’s chicken strips
Bexson – noticeably annoyed
Chicken strips – a distinct lack of lemon mayo
Tasty – noticeably annoyed
Ballo – still looking a broken man, despite claiming to have shaken his illness
Turner – less pale than Saturday
MOTW dress – in real danger of not making it to circle with Dhruv nowhere to be seen
PCP – a noticeable buzz
Turnout – gun
Newcomer – Reuben, housemate of Tasty, SU bartender by day, seshman by night
Reuben – scared, having witnessed Tasty return home absolutely fucked on many an occasion
Dhruv – making a surprise second appearance in 2 weeks
Murphy – unbearable as ever, making some shit excuse for his lack of appearance
Fresher Ash – taking Murphy’s ticket
Fresher Ash – a much more bearable bloke
Rhino – getting permission from the missus to come to circle
Bexson and Rhino – missed each other
Gamble pot – devised by the love triangle of J$, Cheeky and Yeti
Ferdi – selected as table bitch for the week
Ferdi – keen as ever, readying himself for the task ahead
Circle – expected to be big
Men’s Hockey – being absolutely kimmed by the SU, chairs being put out in their regular space
Tasty and Ferdi – taking advantage of the situation, shlipping in and managing to steal 7 tables
Circle – looking gun
Lacrosse social sec – hoping that the UWMCC will return the favour from weeks before and give them a table
Inner Tasty – wanting to help / potentially chirpse
Outcome – Tasty tells Lacrosse to get fucked
Cricket and Lacrosse relations – going downhill
CR2 – overly packed with UWMCC, Mens and Women’s hockey, Lacrosse and CMD all packed in
SU – fucking idiots
Reuben – choosing the corner with Joe and Bexson for his first circle
Reuben – a questionable decision maker
Bromance – well and truly on with J$, Yeti and Cheeky all sitting next to each other
GENTLEMEN!!! – fucking gun
Inth / Milfman – wacking for purchasing new ties after washing their old ones
Shit cunts – anyone who hasn’t donated or participated in Movember, wacking
MOTW – 2 main contenders
Larkins – nominated for cricket ball antics. After getting particularly seshed on the old boys table, Larkins decides to stay behind at Victoria House for a few more bevs alongside some others. On the walk up to Altoria, Larkins spots a pink, childrens scooter outside of a restaurant. Too good an opportunity to pass up, Larkins swiftly steals the scooter and then proceeds to ride it to Altoria, attempting a kick flip on the way. After enjoying himself at Altoria and then Smack, Larks returns home to chez Jonny Hall where he decides to let off a fire extinguisher in Jonny’s bedroom, causing mass hysteria and the need for the evacuation.
Turner – having claimed to have not got seshed enough at last year’s Cricket Ball, Turner decides to not make the same mistake again. Having not eaten all day, Turner sends a bottle of the Balti’s finest red at pres before sipping on some pints. Sadly for Turner, the Salmon came too late to save him. As colour drains from his face, Simon Jones remarks “I’ve seen dead people less white than him”. Turner makes numerous journeys to the toilet, but cant quite work out how to operate the door, nailing himself in the head on numerous occasions. After a short nap through the mains, Turner regains a bit of colour and munches his way through a chocolate torte and manages to make it to Altoria. Turner however ended up being the true winner as he was followed be Simon Jones on twitter and asked about when Simon Jones texted Tasty the following day.
Hall – “I withdraw my story because I want Turner to get it”
Turner – MOTW
Larkins – a lucky escape
Leamington child – without a scooter
J$ – ‘accidently’ spilling purple into the gamble pot in a similar fashion to Cheeky the previous week
Tasty – Livid
New game – 20+1
Gamble – Roach – Too close to call
Merriman vs. Rhino – the selected wack off
Newcomers – expecting Rhino to be fast
Newcomers – disappointed
Merriman – comfortably seeing off Rhino
Fresher Joe – “I never thought I’d ever see someone slower than the Express”
20+1 – going swimmingly, kimming Bexson
Tune – Bexson is a cunt
New rule – 10 is a wack
UWMCC – hitting another perfect round, hitting Bexson again
Tune – Bexson’s still a cunt
New rule – Table wacking
Reuben – starting to regret his decision to sit in the corner
10 = wack rule – fucking up whole tables now
Sesh – flowing
New rule – 1 to 10 doubling
J$ – arguing that 5 should now be wack
Tasty – still too livid at J$ to listen to him, disagreeing out of pride
Bexson – already in a world of trouble after a heavy game
Reuben, Joe and Tim – not too far behind
New game – PLD
Bexson – can we please go last
Tasty – merciful as ever
Gamble – Cheeky – Oscar Pistorious Trial
Oscar Pistorious Trial – a person is nominated. Every time they go to the bathroom, they have to take 2 shots
Hall – nominated as Reeva Steenkamp
Tasty – implementing a network of spies to make sure that Hall is caught
PLD – Team Larkins vs. Team Chattle
Winner – Team Larkins I believe
180 – 3 pints to nominate
Freshers Seb, Ash, Om – the chosen
Tasty – failing to count correctly and including Bexson in the 2nd game
Bexson – too sent to even show anger
Team Bex vs. Team John-Mark
Victory – to team Bex but only with a 1-0 win
Final game – sees the Bromance triangle split up
Winner – escapes me
New game – 1 Fat Frog
Rogue decision – met with uproar
Gamble – Fresher 1 minute challenge
Tasty – expecting good things considering that it was 1st session
1FF – Gash
Kinners – “what am I”
Tasty – “Let me give you a hint, you are into”
Kinners – “the”
Circle – despondent
Will O’Farrell – showing no sign of improvement at any game

1st Recess
Rhino – having a stare-off with a gorilla from Ladies football
Gorilla – genuinely terrifying
Bexson et corner – heavy 1st session, nearing the mystical 6 pint mark
2nd session – Gentleman huge again, sesh scars starting to show
Hero of the week – Tasty nominating Fresher Seb as hero for letting him chop in his bed, giving him 5 to nominate
Seb – giving a double to Fresher Tim, 1 to Bex, 1 to Joe and 1 to Tasty
Fresher Tim – taking his double like a champ
1-minute challenge – 13 set as the target
Fresher Tim – realising he’s fucked
Freshers – managing a solid effort and hitting the target thanks to a Fresher Ash triple
New game – ICICN
Gamble – but should it be a Super Gamble?!?!
Yeti, J$ and Cheeky – managing to fail at creating a Super Gamble, made to wack
Gamble – Ballo – Middle Earth
Ballo – made to sit in the middle of circle
Ballo – quickly bombarded by cups, returning fire when he can
Roachy to Rhino – “Lets wack so we have more cups to chuck at him”
Ballo – eventually accepting his fate and becomes the bin bitch
Fresher Joe and Reuben – having found some flipchart paper, begin constructing a massvie paper aeroplane
Roach – ICICN past and present club nicknames
Bexson – claimed for 15 by Reuben
Reuben – in a no-win situation, wacking
Fresher Joe – upon completion of the paper marvel, begins aiming at ladies football
Joe – misses his target, nailing Merriman and Rhys instead
Merriman – owwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhh
Circle – in uproar
Calls – for Joe to be removed from circle permanently
Tasty – creating a suitable punishment
Joe – to buy back the spilt pints, to perform a straight arm wack and then leave circle for a game
Yeti – “that’s the first time someone’s been removed since I was a fresher”
Joe – heartbroken
Nick Hill – leading chants of “brown down”
Brown down – allowed to happen
Brown down – a wack off between all those of darker complexion
Walker – “I’m a quarter Sri Lankan…”
Tasty – “yeah that counts”
Other claims – songs in CMD routine this year, people not invited to Kinners party (justice for Choppy)
New game – Kraus’s Cricket
Gamble – John-Mark – Rainbow Wack
Cheeky – looking disappointed to not be doing it
JM – dispatching his VK’s with efficiency
Kraus’s Cricket – thresholds set at 50, 75 and 100 (1, 2 and 3 wacks)
UWMCC – continuing to be arithmetically wank, already 3 down for less than 15 runs
Will – having to be given an extra life due to generally circle retardedness
UWMCC – all out for 43
Thresholds – not even activated
Tasty – disappointed, making all wickets double and everyone else single
J$ – arguing
Tasty – threatening a double, still angry about his gamble pot being violated
Ballo – allowed to return to the outside of circle after being hit with 100+ cups
Joe – also allowed to re-enter circle
New game – Tinderrrr
Gamble – Yeti – Hoemance or Bromance?
HoB? – creates chains based on people who are either in a bromance with another UWMCC member or a chain between people who have slept with the same people
Hoemance chains – Larkins and Tasty, Turner and Roach
Bromance chains – Merriman and Probert, Bexson and Tasty, Bexson and Rhino, Tasty and Joe, Joe and Tim, Tasty and Reuben
Potential – for a seshastrophe
Tinder – collusion less effective with some many chains enforced
Everyone listed above – essentially wacking every round
Super like round – no matches but still lots of wacking

2nd Recess

Rhino – stare-off with a different member of ladies football
Rhino – “what even is she??”
Clubmen – trying to stealthily buy VKs
Ferdi – slipping a cherry VK into a pint class, trying to pass off as purple
Ferdi – rumbled
Cheeky – disappointed with a lack of rainbow wacking, buying a rainbow wack for him post circle
Roach – agreeing to do it with him
Yeti – rewriting the gamble pot
Yeti – “there’s a couple of crackers in there for you Taste”
Session – in order
3rd Gentleman – massive, Romanian speaking society looking genuinely fearful
Brexit – a genuine reason for Romanian society to be fearful
New game – 1 die
Gamble – Chattle – Slip cordon challenge
Slip cordon – the gamble picker is the keeper. His immediate right is 1st slip and does 1 wack. 2nd slip does 2 and 3rd slip does a triple
Roachy – 3rd slip, need I say more
Roach – instantly asking for the bin
Roachy – sending his triple faster than Dhruv’s double
Roach – bin required
Tasty – “flap the wings!!”
Roach – flaps the wings, but with no chunder
Alas – the chunder dragon still yet to make an appearance
Tasty – spotting VKs next to Roachy
Roach – let off after deciding he would do them against Cheeky after Circle
1 die – uneventful
New game – Sherwin Ball
Gamble – Tasty gets his knob out for the rest of session
Tasty – even in a 3rd session state of inebriation, unwilling to comply
Tasty – instead settling for a brain relay with Bexson
Yeti – “I think Tasty has really misinterpreted the meaning of Knob out for the rest of session”
Sherwin Ball – fucking up many a people
SU man – telling Tasty its all over
Hall – finally unleashing himself to the toilet, having avoided all shots
Reeva Steenkamp – sadly didn’t avoid the shots


Megamix – run correctly now that Tasty didn’t have any calls to make
Turner – turning Chicago into Jerusalem
Megamix – in disagreement, deciding it best to end
Cheeky to Tasty – “Fucking hell Disco Dave, any of JB?”
Disco Dave – responding with some Scouting for Girls
Cheeky – “This will do”, as he sprints off into POP
Roach – suddenly hit by the sesh, suddenly finding the need to sit down and suffer
Roach – hit with a classic case of seshingitis
Tasty – complaining to Chloe Wynn about the size of the condoms on offer
Chloe – “I’ve got some extra large ones in my office if you ever need those”
Tasty – “don’t worry about me, you keep those for Big Jon”
POP! – Locked down by the UWMCC
Hat stealing – with ferocity
Victim of theft – demanding that his hat be returned
Nick Hill – not liking being accused, getting physical
Hall to victim – “Just growwwwwwwwww upppppppp”
Joe – giving the victim a different hat to try and appease him, doesn’t work
Nick Hill – eventually having enough, shoves bloke to the ground
Rhino – trying to send a random bloke for bumping into his girlfriend
Cricket – becoming violent
Bexson – obviously seshed, just grinning from ear to ear
Roach – at this point, a lost cause
Roach – escorted back to Tim’s, stopping at a nearby bush to chunder
Disco Dave – hitting up Grime time on queue
Turner – seen using his dazzling dress to woo the ladies
NU1 – filling up with people suffering from PSSD (Post Sesh Stress Disorder)
Tasty – with a chop in hand, deciding against the cab
Bexson – leaving Ballo to join Tasty in the cab alongside a rugby lad and his gary
Bexson – appalled at the offer of £30 to Leam, acting hurt
Bexson – should be doing theatre
Bexson – aggrieved after finding out that Tasty’s chop is a Vegan
Bexson – “Oi Tasty, tell her to get fucked”
Roach – deciding not to stay at Tim’s and by miracle makes it back to Leam
Spicy Bites – presumably accosted by the presence of the Yeti
Hangovers – almost certain

Morning after

Bexson – having to delay Nandos to 2 after feeling the pain of the sesh
Roach – in a true state
Fresher Joe – managed to survive the night despite the best attempts of his stalker to take him back to hers
Stalker – Cooper’s chop from week 4
Old boys and den lads – making a rogue lunch choice – a curry at Five Rivers
3 course meal – £10.95
Hall – “I’ve left just enough room for dessert”
Jewson – looking pained, “I haven’t”
CMD rehearsals – hit up by fresh faced cricketers… and Roachy who is still in a world of trouble
Roachy – dead
UWMCC – very much alive

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