“ooooohhhhh and we can get him for those stupid trainers he wears”
Randall & Tasty – plotting the demise of Gemes
The Old Boys – returning this week with high attendance expected
Disco Dave – sleepless for at least a week after rumours of Jon Hall returning
Freshers – high expectations after having heard so much about the old boys
Expectations – higher for some old boys than others
Gemes, Gujar and Bexson – at one end of the scale
Yeti, Stilo, Jewson and Long Jon – at the other
The Scale – work it out yourselves
News – Kraus, J$ and Sittampalam would also be returning
Fake News – unappreciated
The Old Library – destination for some PPCP action
Randall – kimmed after acting the good Samaritan and picking Tasty & Gemes up from their golfing date and missing the exec meeting
Exec meeting – Captain Bozza, Probert and Merriman leading a coup in the absence of all the important exec members
Beef – intended
Mihir – showing up decides to coup the coup and finally take power and recognition for his secret yet undeniable running of the club
Lewis – late, presumably coinciding with the return of the Yeti
Lewis –quashing the rebellion with much chair throwing
The Club – safe for now
PCP – huge turn out
Nish – seen furiously writing out some gambles which he had been planning for weeks
Kinners – also keen to get in on the action with particular targets in mind
Particular targets – remaining unnamed but rhyming with Reremy Joach
Fresh – can’t believe the state of some old boys ties
Some Fresh – can’t even look after their own ties despite only being 5 weeks in
Fresher Ivan – onto his 3rd tie already
Fresher Ben – turning up in a school tie, hoping to simply buy a new one off Timmo
Newsflash – one does not simply buy a new tie in week 5 without pre-warning Timmo first
Randall – pockets full of goodies, planning how to walk past the bouncers without dropping all the fun
7:50 – Probert invited to be table bitch for a week as the duo leave PCP to set up
8:10 – Randall and Probert still haven’t been allowed upstairs as the new bouncers STILL DON’T KNOW THE FUCKING RULES
Most clubmen – also ready to migrate upstairs now after buying their pints
Duncan – sourced and after trying to calm an inconsolable Randall, let’s the social secs up to set up
Randall – “I assume we are allowed to go 15 minutes over tonight?”
Duncan – not amused
CR2 – eerie silence as a tumble weed dances across the floor
Adoptions – now in full effect, voiding the enemy threat of both Mens and Womens Hockey
Table set up – easy
Decision – where to place circle this week with literally all of CR2 to choose from
Middle – elected for prime gun circle location with excellent access to both bar and toilet whilst also allowing for a big circle as numbers seem to keep rising
Bins – aplenty
Danger chair – sourced
Pints – ordered
Circle – go
Men – filtering through and to Randall’s dismay, a huge outcry of disappointment and some genuine anger that circle is not crammed into the tight corner
Bexson – “not my social sec”
Jewson – shaking his head as this would not have happened in his day
Anger – unjustified as more and more men pile into CR2 and more tables have to be added to the already gargantuan circle
Attendance – the magical half-century reached with one of the highest circle turn outs witnessed in recent history
The only problem – with no other big upstairs circles, all 3 bouncers were watching UWMCC with intent, waiting for any slip up or whoppery
Banging – loose
GENTLEMEEEEEEN!! – worth a mention in this week’s Mupdates as it was fucking mental
Bex & Stilo – entering some sort of Brazilian ju-jitsu wrestling each other to the floor
Many Pints – lost
Woooo’s – never ending
The threat – a double for the next woo
All – adhering
MOTW nominations – less but top quality
Rajakanthan – pretty much nominated for the 5th consecutive week
Raj – nominated for some dodgy behaviour. At a surprise 21st party for himself, Raj is sharking the talent with one girl in mind, however she is seemingly playing hard ball this evening. As the night draws to a close, the beds run out and it transpires that the only two without are Raj and said girl. Result. As the couple settle down in a quiet spot in the corner, some inevitable hands start wandering and after all of 2 minutes, Raj is 3 fingers in and having a whale of a time. As he looks up and draws breath for the next move, Raj catches the eye of an unwanted spectator. His cousin. Have fun at Christmas Fella.
Tasty – telling a good story however at one point in the story, led many to believe that Raj looked up and was fingering his cousin to the horror of circle.
Turner – nominated for Countdown conundrama. As many already know, the slenderman himself appeared on an episode of countdown this week. Result? He got sent by a Scottish bloke, but not after impressing Rachel Riley with his maths and chat up lines. Things were going well until Turner decided to take on an 8 in a letters round, only to find out that there was only one ‘N’ and the word ‘lengthens’ has 2. Hi Rachel.
Nish (dual nomination) – after his long awaited return to the enigma that is Smack, Nish decided to boost his pre’s by attending the Swiss Societies Fondue and Wine night. After a genuinely unlimited supply of wine, a seshed Nish sets his sights on Smack and finds himself queuing to go brownstairs. Nish, deciding that he is not seshed enough, pops to the bar quickly and asks his mates to hold his space in the queue. Upon return, the bouncer has clearly spotted Nish hopping back into the line and suggests that Nish join the back. With his mates protesting his innocence, Nish sees an opportunity to Narayarun downstairs but the bouncer is wise and forcibly ejects our Treasurer. Smacked. Also nominated for a case of heavy oversesh in London. After returning home from a night out, Nish decides that a shower is the only way to aid the recovery pre sleep, however the only available source of cleansing is the bath. 10 minutes into his bath, Nish has a look around for his loafer only to find himself still wearing his jeans. Fool.
Gemes – of course. Nominated for dom tour antics, after a heavy night at Live Lounge, Gemes decides that it would be a good idea to bring a girl home to a dorm full of UWMCC means mbers in attempt of a chop. Choppy and Rooty take great pleasure over the course of the next 3 hours acting as the anti-chop and doing anything in their power to cock-bock Gemes, including locking him out of his own room, getting into bed with Gemes and the girl, and asking Gemes to ‘keep his hands where we can see them’. Upon asking why the girl came back with Gemes, she deduced that despite the fact that Gemes could be a rapist, the likelihood of at least one of the boys in the hostel not being a rapist was enough to sway her.
Logic – lacking
Cheers – one clear winner
Randall – ‘can we have a cheer for Raj, as if he fingered his cousin’
Wack off – prescribed
Gemes vs Raj – for the dress which, yet again, was absent
Raj – sends Gemes
Gemes – wacking again to ‘Dancing Gemes’, quoted by some old boys as one of the best circle songs ever.
Randall – doing the rounds for dress code fuck ups
A few – tie induced
Some – sock induced
Gemes – shiny shoe induced
Gemes – 3 down and already onto a new set before the actual start of circle
Randall – waits for Gemes to return
Back a winner – Tasty vs Gemes golf
Many – backing Tasty, and rightly so
Gemes – made to wack again for losing
Bex – “hey, Joey, wasn’t it your birthday yesterday?”
Randall – about to wack but decides that its only fair that everyone with a birthday that week should wack
Yeti – stands and raises a pint to Randall
Glances – aimed at Gemes, an already broken man
Gemes – standing up for his 5th wack before a game had even been played
Demise – complete
New Game – 20+1
Gamble – Hi Rachel
Hi Rachel – In ode to the magical appearance, Turner had to run downstairs and find a girl named Rachel in CR1 and bring her back up. Upon his return Turner had to do a numbers game whilst wacking a pint to the countdown theme tune.
124 – The target
Turner – not even close
Rachel – unhelpful as a Politics student is fairly gash at numbers
Turner – wacking again as he failed to complete his task
To the tune of – Hi Rachel, the now famed greeting
Rachel – leaving circle to the tune of ‘bye Rachel’
20+1 – off to a worldie start with 3 20+1’s reached in a row
Rules – table wacking, old boy chain now enforced
Gemes – head in hands
New rule – 1-5 are in German
UWMCC – fucked
Fresher Kieran Patel – showing off his German knowledge trying to start with ‘to my left’ in German
Randall – no idea what was being said
20+1 – not reached again
6 – not reached again
New Game – 1Die
Gamble – No-movember wack
NMW – anyone that has not signed up for movember
Movember sign ups – strong
1Die – pints being fired across circle
Ferdi – “THREEEEEMAN”
Ferdi – wrong
Dice – being rolled off of tables and punished with pints
Randall – watches Son Jark roll a 2 and nominate a pint to Merriman
Justice – none
New Game – Tinder
Gamble – Yeti v Lewis Vintage Rainbow Wack
Vintage aspect – returning to a mixture of 3 vk’s in one pint cup as opposed to the standard 3 strawpedos
Gamble – saved till start of 2nd
Tinder – clearing up pints with some old boys playing face down eyes up in confusion
Tinder – not invented in Jewson’s day
Colluding – allowed as sesh hath claimed many by this point
Rooty – “look left, look left”
Swipes right – classic Rooty
Super Like Round – alarm bells ringing
1 match – can’t remember who
Recess
Many – retiring to the sofas to watch Spurs dismantling Madrid
Tim – in heaven
Dele Ali – wonderkid, but could he neck a double on a cold, rainy night in CR2
Dele Ali – add his wave to Turner’s ‘Hi Rachel’ and you have the gayest chat up line ever
Bint – trying to steal Turners unguarded purple
UWMCC – protective of the rapidly diminishing commodity as Gemes was sending the reserves of CR2
You fat slag – breaking out as many members start chasing her off with threats of angry chopping and genuine sending
Turners pints – safe for now
2nd Session – underway with the vintage rainbow wack
Bex – escalating his violence by literally throwing himself at Roach, both ending up on the floor with Stilo trying to act as peace-keeper
Back a winner – between the master and his apprentice
Many – believing that Lewis may have outgrown his tutor
Yeti – putting all bromance aside and completely sending Lewis
Lewis – still has much to learn
New Game – BBW
SuperGamble (Fresher Owen) – The DJ Khalid Triple (good)
DJKT(G) – a Nish brainchild, the gambler will triple before having the power to send ‘Another One’ to any wacker he pleases
Fresher Owen – branded a club legend by Jon Hall already, sends his triple with consummate ease before realising the power he has
Fresher Owen – with a smirk on his face sits down but his smirk is quickly wiped as he does not encounter his chair
Danger Chair – does not discriminate between club legends and standard clubmen
Fresher Owen – see ya
BBW – old boys racking their brains to remember how to crack the code
Fresh – trying to pick up tips from the old boys
Gemes – wrong straight away
Many – smashing it despite the long lay off
Fresh – still shit
Guj – also still shit
New Game – Premier League Darts
Who wants a wack – kimming fresher Ben who was telegraphing a gamble
Gamble (Fresher Ben) – Not just some of them, all of them
Gamble – Fresher Ben has to see off all of his pints on the table
3.5 – the number
Fresher Ben – regrets as the 2nd pint is hitting him hard
Chunder – inevitable
Bouncers – watching with intent
Randall – gives no shits as he sends the bin to the fresher
Fresher Ben – empties the condense of his stomach into the bin
Chunder Dragon – notably absent
Ben – noticeably sent
Chief Duncan – comes over to speak to Randall about the negligence on show
Randall – “it was the bin or the floor”
Duncan – finding it hard to argue
Darts – beginning
Match ups – nearly 11 a side
Standard – poor with many 1-0’s despite the huge number of throwers
Team Gemes v Team Brown – 0-0 with Gemes left to throw
Gemes – takes aim after taking about 5 mins to finish his pint
Crowd – silent as the cup meanders towards the bin
Crossbreeze – slight as it takes hold of the cup
He shoots – he scores
Team Yeti – claiming the Shack never lost a game of PLD apart from this one time but it didn’t matter
Fresh – still opting for overarm technique
Fresh – stupid
Fresher Aragog – one of the worst darts players I’ve seen in a while as yet again, his cup nearly decapitates someone across circle
Fresher Owen – utilising the ‘another one’ rule at free will
New Game – ICICN
Gamble (Jon Hall) – Old Boys 1 min challenge
Jon – angry at his misfortune, eats the gamble
Jon – ‘paper doesn’t even taste that nice, it’s too starchy’
12 – old boys
30 – the target
28 – achieved in a respectable effort
2 pints – needed to be made up
Kinners and Stilo – the chosen two
Fresher Owen – ‘ANOTHER ONE’
Kinners – unhappy at his fellow member of the darbhood
Stilo – ‘oh captain my captain’
Fresher James – falls straight through his chair as danger chair strikes again
Bouncer – can’t help but laugh at the state of clubmen
ICICN – One member of the club to have earned a baggy, Players in the club better than Yeti (according to Jon Hall) sat in circle, Houses in Game of Thrones
Fresher Jack – Snow…?
Snow – not a house, stupid stupid fresh
Fresher Jack – Smith
Fresher Jack – doubling and retreating to the safety of the toilets
The toilets – populated with many UWMCC members at this point as despite a 50+ sized circle, there are no hiding places… apart from the toilets
Recess
Yeti – reminiscing with the old days and bemoaning the lack of Kraus from circle
Rumours – Kraus week 8?
Timmo – seen trying to get people in the hole
Timmo – “don’t worry there is no penetration involved…”
Timmo & Fresher Rory – making an astonishing discovery that the hole leads to downstairs CR1 and that there could be free passage between the Copper Rooms if played right
Rory – also agreeing to organise dom tour 2k18
Bex – trying to get fresh to look at long Jon which has somehow got longer
Fresher Rav – “so how do I say his name, Saul or Sol?”
Curtis – “im not sure, let ask him”
Fresher Sol – “Sol, like Sol Campbell”
3rd Session – Chairs everywhere
Gemes – chased across CR2 by a bouncer after launching a chair which destroys pints
Circle – angry but Gemes sent to replenish pints lost
New Game – Reverse Sherwin Ball
Gamble (Choppy) – Northern Wack
Northern Wack – a Randall brainchild, getting all northerners into the middle of circle
Northern – defined by accent and more specifically, the pronunciation of the word “Grass”
Rooty, Fresher Rooty, Roachy and Fresher Oli – all summoned to the middle
Fresher Thomas – gingerly getting to his feet
Louie – “where are you from??”
Fresher Thomas – “Norway”
Norway – fucking north
Randall – producing a pot of Tesco’s finest gravy granules to mix into their pints
Pints – fucking grim but northerners love gravy
Fresher Rooty – seen making off with the gravy
RSB – eventful with many fuck ups along the way
Jon Hall – with the old trick “now listen here you lot I think ELEVEN”
Jon – a master of RSB
Nish – fucking it
Narayanan – breaking out
Sittampalam – the evolution
Chat – going on for seemingly ages
Everyone – sitting down
Louie – SITTAMPALAM
Chant – starting again
Randall – finally gets circle under control… “The number is 6”
Om Menom – decides to pipe up
Adithya – also piping up
Chant – Om Menom starting
UWMCC – too many names to suit the chant
Fresher James & Merriman – absolutely sent and wacking
Merriman – always seems to be left standing in RSB
Reverse Sherriman Ball – any of
New Game – scrapped in favour of a fresh vs old boys boat race
Gamble – Fresh 1 min challenge
Target – 28 between 12 fresh
Eyes – glancing at Fresher Sasha who was needing a big performance in order for the target to be reached
Roche – seriously yet predictably petulant at this point, throwing cups and midget gems at people
Roche – undeterred by the offer of a pint on his lap, continues to throw shit across circle
Randall – sends a pint at Roche
Roche – attempts to send one back at Randall
Roche – made to leave, claimed by the sesh
Fresh – fucking stupid as they start throwing their cups
Randall – generous by collecting thrown cups
31 – the greatest achievement of the evening
Team captain fresher Sasha – given 3 to nominate after the surplus
Bex, Tasty and Fresher Sol Campbell – targeted
Boat Race – 8 man teams
Race – uneventful with experience seeing the old boys over the line
Fresh – just slow
New Game – One Fat Frog
Gamble – Tasty vs Gemes Rematch
Rematch – after the 5-5 thriller last time out
Egos – large
The only thing larger – Tasty’s Darb
The new ABBA system – rejected as a double could kill a man at any point
Tasty – going first
Gemes – counters
A short back and forth –ensues
The pair – locked at 3-3
German bombers – starting up to get the men over the line
Tasty – seriously struggling
Crowd – baying for blood
Tasty – taps out and runs to the toilet
Gemes – sinks another pint to take a 4-3 victory
Titanic theme music – starting up
Gemes – GOAT?
Ferdi and Raj – in tears as Gemes mopps up the applause
1FF – a technicality
Fresher Ivan – claiming he never chunns to Yeti
Yeti – chundering, “every time I smell alcohol I want to throw up”
Fresher Ivan – upon seeing Yeti throw up, throws up
Circle – more like a scene from Saving Private Ryan
Pop!
Megamix – a slow burner
Yeti – insisting on firing shots of Sambuca at unsuspecting fresh
Fresh – well and truly shot
Fresher Jono – grateful yet pained
Fresher Jono – staggering over to what now is a huge megamix
Turner – allowed to help run the rowdy crowd
Songs – well and truly murdered with so many people getting it wrong
Old boys – papering over the cracks of a disjointed megamix
Chicago – saving grace with a multi-purpose hoover being sought after
Ben Dyson – she got
Jerusalem – should be the national anthem
Barmy Army – should also be included
Many – escaping to Pop
Front Left – reserved by Disco Dave for Jonny Hall
Jewson and Yeti – hiding under the stairs from further sesh
Freshers – being given many challenges by Choppy, Tasty and Randall outside
One – to go over to a girl and seductively whisper in her ear…”you’re ugly”
Another – to one up that and to exchange the word ugly for putrid
Fresher Ben – goes up to one girl and breaks out an all-time favourite
Fresher Ben – “words can’t describe how beautiful you are”
Girl – smiles
Fresher Ben – “but numbers can, 1/10”
Choppy – losing his shit as Ben gets water tipped all over him
Randall – finding a razor and shaving fresher Rory’s snail trail
Fresher Sasha – offering to host Kasbah pre’s at his next week, legend
Jewson – heard claiming that Gareth Barry is the best midfielder of his generation before soon after stating that his opinion was ‘slightly biased and therefore not credible’
Fresher Kieran Patel – calling OmMenom out on his UK grime knowledge
Stilo – where were you?
Roche – stealing Raj’s phone
Raj – stealing Roachy’s phone
Phones – still missing
Millman – certainly has something to do with it
CR toilets – absolutely full to the brim with purple infused chun
Choppy – trying to baptise a fresh in the sesh
Fresh – getting better at stealing hats although they still have much to learn as some old boys techniques are observed
Men – officially claimed by the sesh and heading home
Spicy Bites – receiving their annual revenue spike as the Yeti is in town
Bex – making his way to gary number 1’s house
Gemes – passing out on Randall’s sofa
UWMCC – loose
Old boys – looser