Cooper – arriving in Leamington, instantly scouting potential victims
Cooper – “target acquired”
John – doing some preliminary research to see if Cooper’s gary is still a student
Gary – doing a masters in classics and ancient history
Cooper – “I won’t chop her”
Clayden – “what would you do if a ‘Cooper Gary chop’ gamble came out?
Cooper – “… I’d probably chop her”
Clayden – mentally prepping for the re-emergence of Dave Slayden
Bex and Goodyear – obligatory pre circle Sauna club
Exec – finally getting to grips with time… except Dan Lewis
Cheeky – leaving his house 10 minutes before the meeting starts
Cheeky – using stagecoach as his excuse
Cheeky – “they run a shoddy service”
Cheeky – whopper
Rumours – Murphy to be nominated for a mystery story
Murphy – “I feel like I may have raped someone or something”
J$ – “If he’s genuinely worried about that, then I’m quite concerned that he will do some bad things in life”
Rape – always on Murphy’s mind
Rape – always on Turner’s agenda
Cheeky – eventually making the end of the meeting
T bar – already filled with old faces
Returning old boys – Clayden, Cooper, Clobber and Alex
Kraus – missing circle due to a business trip to New York
New York – just an elaborate ruse to cover up his inability to handle the sesh
Jewson – making his premiere circle appearance of the year
Gamble pot – being devilishly plotted by the old boys
Tasty – managing to get the dress safely to circle, having managed to leave it behind twice in the day already
Ballo – letting his parents visit and missing out on circle
Ballo – still not sorted his shit out
Fresher Tim – ready to re-sesh after a heavy club meal
Tasty – left on his lonesome to set up circle
SU – kimming UMWCC by putting more tables downstairs to deal with RAG circle
Tasty – negotiating with Lacrosse to take one of their tables
Male lacrosse social sec – “we only have 2 tables and you all have one each out there”
Tasty – “so you think that we are out there with 30 tables??”
Female soc sec – calling the Male social a tit and agreeing to the deal
Female lacrosse social sec – hero
Male lacrosse social sec – a proper tit
Cooper – failing his one and only duty by forgetting to bring the gamble pot in
Cooper – quickly falling prey to the new regime, being made to double for his fatal error
Gamble pot – having to be rewritten whilst circle gets underway
GENTLEMEN – gun
Thai Boxing – looking on, as 30 eager clubmen get ready to ride the sesh train
Thai Boxing – terrified
MOTW – nominations are sparse
Fresher Joe – nominated for the antics of the previous week. Having braved his way through club meal, Joe managed to also make it
to the end of POP! where he bagged himself a girl. Joe proceeds to bring her back to his however the Balti is beginning to catch up
with him and he is feeling ropey. In order to distract his bird, he offers to make her nutella on toast, which she kindly accepts. Whilst
she enjoys the delights of Chef Joe, Joe goes to the bathroom and has a cheeky taccy to get everything out. He then proceeds to
chop before kicking her out when he’s done due to a 9am.
Fresher Joe – Pascal Sauvage
Murphy – nominated for events from his fresher year. One evening post-POP!, Cheeky is having a stroll back towards AV1 when suddenly he hears rustling in the bushes. “Cheeky”, he hears. After investigation, Cheeky discovers that the inhabitant of the bush in none other than the unbearable man himself, alongside his Juan. When asked why he was in the bush he merely replied, “We’re just enjoying the stars”
MOTW – comfortably Murphy, no need for a wack-off.
Circle – commenced with a game of 20+1
Gamble – Grad one-minute challenge
Clobber – “how has a old boys gamble pot managed to kim the old boys?”
Grads – set a target of 16 between them
Grads – managing a measly 11
Alex – only putting a Merriman-esque total of 1 away
The sesh – not strong within the old boys
20+1 – off to a good start, reaching the fabled number in the first round
New rule – 10 and to my left are swapped
UWMCC – quickly baffled by the new rule, purple beginning to flow
Adit – eventually being the recipient of a loss
New rule – 6,7,8 to become Oh Adit Kulkarni
Adit – ever the modest man
20+1 – eventually becoming too difficult and abandoned
New game – Premier league darts
Gamble – Clayden – nominate your year squared
Roachy – protesting that Clayden doesn’t have a year
Roachy – get fucked
Clayden – treated as a 4th year and given 16 to nominate
Clayden – quick to send pints to Adit and Roachy
Clayden – “fuck off Adit Kulkarni you cunt”
Teds – sorely missed
Clayden – “to the tune of… Choppy Lawson!!”
Choppy – too busy cleaning the shack to make circle
PLD – getting started off with J$’s team against Kinners
Kinners – calling for a referendum on the positioning of the bin
Winners – escaping my memory
Bexson and old boys vs. 2nd years – a closely contested game, the old boys being edged
Bexson – once again blaming his team for the loss, made lewd claims of an unrivalled shlottage ratio
Bexson – once again a cunt
Clayden – tolerance low, not able to handle the premier league double
Clayden – erupting all over the stage before scampering to the toilets
Clayden – cheerio
Meanwhile – a mysterious pool of chunder appearing in the middle of circle
Cooper – pleading innocence
Tasty – almost slipping on the ice rink of chunder
New game – Duck duck moose
Gamble – blazer wack
Exec – finally getting punished for looking gun
UWMCC – calls for Turner to double for wearing a suit jacket that is too long
Tasty – merciful
Duck duck moose – chaos
Rooty – using his dirty northern tactics and picking people who aren’t concentrating
Merriman – the go-to target for people who don’t want to lose
Merriman – ooooooooaahhhhhhhhhhh
1st Recess
Jewson – giving Tasty a recess team talk
Jewson – “you’re doing great but don’t listen to anything Henry Bexson says”
Tasty – ready to begin the revolution
Larkins – “everything is made so much better with those Magic Chunder Crystals”
Rooty – talking to the SU bloke to try and calm the Clayden situation down
Rooty – being a good bloke for once and saving Clayds
Second session – beginning which some pint nominations
Howard – nominated for playing for maths and stats
Roach – nominated for losing to maths and stats
Murphy – nominated for losing indoor (and being just generally unbearable)
Tasty – “to the tune of ‘You’re getting sacked in the morning’”
Lippichat – celebrating maths and stats 1-0 victory
Lippichat – not celebrating after being made to do another double
SUPER GAMBLE!!!
Adit – being brave and taking the chance
Super gamble – WMD
WMD – brainchild of Clobber, essentially granting the holder the power to make anyone wacking at any point have to do a 1 minute
challenge (including groups of people).
Adit – quickly unleashing the WMD on Badcock and Kinners
Kinners – complaining as usual, fetching more pints
1MC – target set of 6
Badcock/Kinners – managing 5 and a half before both retreating to the sanctity of the bogs
New game – Kraus’s Cricket
Badcock and Kinners – failing once again and accepting their punishment
Tasty to Alex – “the score is 34-3, you are 35”
Alex – signalling a 6…
Alex – out of the game too long
UWMCC – eventually all out for 87, everyone who lost doubling
New game – ICICN
Gamble – Clobber – Fresh 1 minute challenge
Freshers – set a target of 16 between 7
Freshers – managing a dubious total of 19
Tasty – “there’s no punishment for losing so what’s the point”
Roachy – “ICICN UWMCFCC players last year”
Clobber – up to the challenge, Cooper wacking
Hall – being his regular boring self, claiming Irish cricket players
ICICN – quickly abandoned in favour of a new game
New game – TINDERRRRRR
Reynard – “Why don’t we play Duck Duck Moose?”
Reynard – obviously suffering from amnesia, made to wack
Gamble – Sauna Club Brain Relay
Bex and Goodyear – regretting their earlier decision, entering circle and getting their bollocks out
Tinder – sending the remaining pints
Tasty – annoyed at the amount of collusion – IT’S A SILENT GAME!!!
Tasty to Murphy – “if you look right, you are wacking and if you look left, you are wacking”
Murphy – wacking
2nd Recess
3rd session – less of a myth than week 2 but nonetheless loose
Gentlemen – raucous
Mens Hockey – absent
UWMCC – still chanting, “We won CMD”
Chattle – challenging Tasty to a decider in the recent wacking saga
Tasty – up for the challenge
Back a winner – the majority backing Tasty
Wack off – extremely close
Tasty – edging it and claiming a series victory
New game – Reverse Sherwin Ball
Gamble – Adit – Golden Ticket
Adit – once again looking smug
Adit – almost as unbearable as Murphy
RSB – non-eventful
Jewson – “It would be easier if everyone stood up and then people sat down”
Tasty – still a lot to learn
New Game – International Cock or ball
Clayden – “Oi Tasty… Get it out”
Tasty – not getting it out for once
Gamble – Badcock – Ladies Hockey Brain relay
Badcock – of course picking his partner in crime Kinners
Badcock – entering Ladies Hockey
Badcock – leaving Ladies Hockey after a tirade of abuse
Kinners – not even attempting… shit bloke
Badcock – getting his bollocks out anyway, having an absolute set on him
Turner – playing international first
Hammond – “that is the most obvious bollock I’ve ever seen”
Lippiat – the only one to go for cock
Lippiat – the only person drinking
New game – 1 Fat Slag
Gamble – Roach – 1 minute plank
Roach – the sesh gods constantly testing his darb strength
Clayden – managing to send a 2p into the pint
Roachy – managing the minute but wacking regardless
1FS – non-existent as the sesh kicks in
Kinners – getting all PC about 1 fat slag
Micro circle – enforced
Adit – told to fuck off for not having pints
Tasty – eventually sending Jewson in a 2 man 20+1 to win microcircle
POP!
Megamix – gun as per
Jerusalem – added to the roster
UWMCC – true patriots
UWMCC – loose blokes
UWMCC – locking down the front of POP!
Hall – giving the customary Disco Dave shoutout
Adit – seen without a shirt after getting with a particularly frisky one
Turner – lurking
Tasty – in his regular Rouge bar perch, girls queuing to chat
Fresher Joe – once again liberal with his Warwick card
Bexson – kimmed by the missus after she shows a picture of a young Bexson to Clayds, Tasty and J$
Clayds – mature
Tasty and J$ – kids, absolutely dying of laughter
Bexson – visibly unhappy
J$ – basking in Bexson’s anger
Bexson’s weekly domestic – almost guaranteed
Old boys – putting in an unreal performance
Cooper – chopping an innocent fresh
Fresh – getting a taste of the Bishop’s Finger
Clayden – shacking up with a fresh until she tells him at 1:50 that she isn’t sleeping with him
Clayden – managing to find another willing Fresh and proceeds to chop her in Rootes
Dave Slayden – well and truly back
UWMCC – suffering the morning after
Tasty – managing to make his 10am seminar, only to realise he’s locked his bedroom keys in his bedroom
Tasty – whopper
TJs – breakfast offerings for the Den and old boys
Clayden – “she was definitely in my top 3 one night stands”
Slayden’s victim – Warwick 10
Larkins – creasing at Rafa Benitez’s magical hands
Clayden – discovering Indian Frank Lampard and Robin Van Persie
Tasty – monging out in the den all day and foregoing Mupdates
Hall – in a bad way, not even able to play PGA tour
Hall – “Larkins, can I go and sleep on that carpet?”
Hall – RIP