“I’d like to speak to the manager please…”
Randall – phoning up the Balti to book the legendary club meal
Abdul – “speaking”
Randall – “Hi, I’m calling from the university cricket team to book our club meal”
Abdul – chuckling like a super villain
Abdul – “I’ve been waiting for you to call”
UWMCC – permanently booked in for week 3
Later that night – UWMCC hit up 10 pin
Bowling – bang av
Om Menom – racking up an incredible 202 including 4 strikes in his first 4 goes
Omenom – teach me?
Larkins – shows up to give valuable BUCS insight to Birmingham’s cricket programme
Fresher Jono – demonstrating impressive fake taxi knowledge throughout the evening
Rajakanthan – rocks up in a BMW 4 series with blacked out windows
Raj – smug
Raj – surely up to some black market trading

Fast Forward – club meal
Pick up – set for 6:30 in piazza
Fresh – turning up with high hopes for a social and relaxing curry
Many – utilising the Balti’s BYOB policy with tinnies, hip flasks and wine aplenty
Timmo – stranded on campus so staying at fresher Owens to pass the time
Time – passed by sending a crate of bud
Tim – smashed
Fresh – an impressive 20 in attendance
U1 driver – getting pissy with stupid Asians at the front so ushering the lads on without paying
Chat – “why aren’t we allowed a korma?”
Randall and Timmo – grinning
Signs – ominous
Old Library – selected pres destination
Fresh – having a cheeky pint or two
Fresher Jono – electing for a few cocktails… rogue
Rajakanthan – revealing that his 4 series was actually his brothers and he was getting a new car of his own
Bozza – “what you going for raj?”
Raj – “a jaguar xe”
UWMCC – stunned/jealous
Nick Hill – “ive been really kimmed by my landlord, he has put on child protection on the internet”
Many – sorry for Nick Hills loss
Choppy – “do you have wifi”
Nick Hill – shakes his head
Choppy – “BAH you can’t even use BT wifi… WITH FON”
Fresher Jack – swigging heartily from his hip flask
Life choices – poor
8pm – time to go with many necking pints to finish
Car – pulls up outside with window down
Yob – sticks his head out the window and starts singing at the top of his lungs
Year 3000 – appreciated
Car – sits through a whole light change to get the chorus in
Abdul – greeting the masses
Topper and Co. – securing a table at 7:45 despite the complete booking of the venue
Banging – starting
Balti staff – accustomed to the ritual and now joining in
GENTLEMEN!!! – gun
Randall – “before we start id like everyone to get their phones out and give the Balti a 5* review on trip advisor”
Applause – generous
Rhino – “not interactive enough, only worth 3*”
MOTW nominations – better than last week
Roche – after hosting the big 21st up north, Roachy is completely parred by the girl who he messaged in week 1 as a result of a gamble and gets a bit moody. With his younger brother chirpsing the other girl at hand, Roachy decides to call it a night at put everyone to bed. However, after bigging up a nice, spacious barn for all to sleep in, the boys were met with what could only be descried as a ‘Syrian refugee style garage’. Not impressed. Roach then departs and sleeps inside. Shit host.
Murphy – attending a trial and facing Nish in the nets. Nish, still a bit nervous from the 6×6’s incident, floats one up to Murphy. The ball does not ever look like it will pitch and Murphy’s eyes light up. He picks his bat up, picks his spot in the trees, and completely misses the ball. Bowled. Cya.
Raj – After chirpsing a girl for the majority of a Kasbah night out, Raj finally decides to make his move. He goes in for the kill and asks, “wanna go back to mine? Actually before you answer, how old are you?” Girl replies “17”. Chop? Unconfirmed although a sly grin gives a lot away.
Seb Sander – spotted at pop without a tie on
Fresher Owen – hiding his face
Fresher Owen – not getting away with it and also nominated for the same, heinous crime
Cheers – defining
Wack off – Fresher Owen, Sander and Roche
Wack off – one of the slowest I’ve ever seen bar Roche
Both – deserving of the dress
Fresher Owen – chosen as Randall wanted to see him struggle into the tight, size 8 number
Dress – now more of a size 18
Turner – also doing a pint of the Balti’s finest Shiraz for his birthday for the 3rd consecutive year
Fresher Owen – also doing a pint of wine for winning motw
Fresher Owen – well on his way
The night – still so young
The Table – elected, with Choppy, Lewis, Turner, Roche, Raj and Tasty the occupiers
Fresh – cya
Tasty – “Abdul, can you make me the hottest curry in the midlands for us?
Abdul – “certainly, phaal on the way and it’s on the house”
Tasty – “I want it so hot that my bum bleeds”
Abdul – “consider it done”
Phaal – tastes good for all one second before setting your tongue on fire
Phaal – “making bums bleed since 1936” (Gandhi, 1936)
Randall – sneaking off to buy supplies for later
Tip Cup/arrogance – flying round, stitching fresh for fun
Seshwaris – on order
Fresh – heeding Randall’s warning of no korma although some opting for butter chicken/mint lamb
Those – punished accordingly
Mystery shot – popping its head back out of the ground
Fresh – perplexed
Drambuie – chief fucker
Nish – pre-planning the imminent sesh, decides to collect money early doors to avoid the farce of previous years
Treasures – gotta treas
The Table – claiming its first few victims as more nervous looking fresh are subbed on
Fresher Sanjay – receiving his vindaloo, no rice, no naan
Tactic – eat the sauce first, deal with the chicken later
Tactic – pointless as Sanjay is sent with fire and fury and despite finishing his challenge, I think we all know who won
Fresher Sanjay – “that’s my last gamble for a while”
Curries – now flowing
Toilets – now being frequently visited by many
Fresher Amogh – boasting that his trip to the table was not that bad and that he felt fine
Choppy – outraged
Fresher Amogh – summoned back to the table
2 bottles of wine later – Fresher Amogh was no longer boasting
Fresher Owen – summoned to the table and upon sitting down, tries to eat el Presidenté’s naan
Lewis – making sure that Fresher Owen had some extra Phaal
Nathan Mead – rare appearance
Meado – waiting for fresh to leave their food unattended before swooping in
Turner – “so Raj, are you richer then Benny Stephenson?”
Raj – “yeah”
Turner – “but I saw Stevo on a yacht”
Raj – “yeah that was my yacht”
Fresher Tim – a real Kraus lookalike
Cheers – a now incredibly sent Fresher Owen knocks over the tip cup
Fresher Owen – “owwww when it rains it pours” as he bins another pint before taking the unconventional yet more convenient route out of the fine establishment before chunning everywhere
Fresh – staggering aimlessly around the Balti
Mystery Shot – migrating to many of the other tables
Fresher Ivan – “It just smells like warm water?”
Rajakanthan – creasing as the poor fresh is smelling his piss
Fresher Ivan – incorrectly guessing
The Rest – history
Fresher Owen – reciting the whole of ‘The thing goes’ but with his own cricket lyrics
Fire – spat
UWMCC – braaaaaaaaap
Curries – finished
Wine – finished
Freshers – finished
Kelsey’s – calling
Eliminator – acting assassin
Lewis – not even letting fresher Amogh try and get in
Pool – awful standard with more fouls than balls potted
Toilets – peppered with Balti induced tacticals
Pop – a very long way away
Fresher Ben – ordering a pint just before the leave time and having to wack
Gagging – a lot
Randall – taking the rest out before they are kicked out
Kelsey’s – short but sweet
Bus stop – commotion
Mens Rugby – about to catch the bus to Pop
Mens Rugby – asking for any available cricket exec
Fresher Amogh – literally dead
U1 – pulling up with UWMCC piling on
Mens Rugby – outgunned and deciding to get the next bus
Meado – trying to convince Fresher Marcin to experience shades
Fresher Marcin – “soon brother, soon”
El Presidentè – opting to stay with the stupid fresh
The Table – “ain’t that bad… hey?”
Bus Driver – having an absolute mare letting 40 drunk UWMCC members on the bus, chasing multiple lads up the stairs to make sure they’ve paid
Time – ticking
Pop – Calling
Fresher Sasha – making a bold move of agitating the already crazed driver
Fresher Sasha – “do you do any deals at this time of night mate? 5 for £5?”
Driver – fists clenched
Randall – ushering the rest of the fresh upstairs
Megamix – on hold until the bus gets moving
Special Brew – distributed among the fresh
Fresher Harry – looking worse for wear
Fresher Harry – opening up the small window on the bus and chundering out of it, spewing all down the window
Bus – finally moving
Megamix – finally starting
Bus – mysteriously stops
Driver – puts his head up the stairs to see UWMCC in full cry with many fresh chundering into bags and special brew going everywhere
Driver – no other option but to get to Pop ASAP
German Bombers – shot down
Classics – murdered
Jerusalem – the only saving grace, even stirring the fresh into a patriotic rendition
Meanwhile – Lewis has handed Fresher Amogh over to the police
The sesh – the real criminal
The Po – untrained in dealing with sesh related death so getting the paramedics involved
Lewis – now on his way to the hospital with the stupid fresh
Back to the Bus – anarchy breaking loose
Campus – can’t come soon enough for some
The fresh – they think it’s all over
Roche – whipps out the voddy
The fresh – it is now
Piazza – occupied by campus security
UWMCC – tipped off
The Mole – probably Merriman
Randall – rallying the troops with a loud “mens lacrosse this way”
Fresh – confused
Boatrace – improvised location of Sherbourne Wood
Sherbourne Wood – essentially a poor man’s Sherwood Forest
Sherwood – stealing from the fresh and giving to the rest
The race – even worse than last year with many fresh going for a swig and then making their way further into the forest to throw up
Chunder dragons – any?
Sherwood – a real stench of curry infused, wine stained chunder
The real challenge – getting the fresh into pop
The cull – beginning as 6 fresh sent home as they are deemed unable to continue by a panel of Choppy, Tasty and Randall
TKO’d – Freshers Harry, Jack, Sol, Sanjay, Krishan
KO’d – Fresher Amogh
Fresher Amogh – left in his ward by Lewis as he goes to the toilet
Lewis – returns to find Fresher Amogh running around the hospital in his CK briefs shouting “Where is Pop? Why am I not at Pop??”
Hospital staff – making fun of the stupid fresh
Fresher Amogh – insisting that he wants to buy a week 4 circle ticket in hospital
The Doctor – surprisingly against the idea
Rumours – that he set off the alarm of the Balti’s rival Five Rivers during his drunken state, hence the police on scene
Apparently – Bozza went into a fit about the long term ramifications for the club
Ramifications – none
Pop – much like the D-day landings, with UWMCC landing at the respective beaches Rouge, Health and Welfare
Rendezvous – Front Left
Casualties – plenty, including Randall’s bus pass
Front Left – wrestled back from enemy hands
Disco Dave – liberated and immediately shouting out his fellow comrades
Search party – sent out to look for any MIA’s/bus passes
Search party – searching their way to the bar
Found – Freshers Ben and Rory, shirts unbuttoned, vk’s in hand
Fresher Rory – seen with a pole girl
Rescue Party – sent to prevent Rory becoming entrapped by psycho soc
Fresher Owen – selling his body for £10 to some lacrosse girls
Fresher Ollie – a real trooper, making numerous trips to the bar
Freshers Sasha and James – zombie like
Fresher Ivan – serious joker style smile with presumably purple around his lips
Purple – what?
Female Donald Trump – spotted at the front of Pop
Challenge – to take a picture of the mythical beast
Techniques – included the tap and run, the fake phone call and more simply the picture to the face approach
None – successful
Disco Dave – checking his twitter and giving a shout out to it
UWMCC – scenes
Pop – coming to a close
Tasty – finally using his connections for good and helping find Randall’s bus pass in lost property
Clubmen – piling out of the copper rooms
Freshers – spotted chirpsing by the kebab van, good work
Choppy – spots a mysterious figure lying down on a bench in the piazza
Mysterious figure – big and barely breathing
Attire – upon closer inspection, a motw dress
Fresher Owen – sacrificed to the sesh gods
Night – over
Club meal – successful for some, career threatening for others
Balti – gun
UWMCC – the target
Fresh – the victim

Rumours – Fresher Amogh made his 9am… discuss

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