Exec Meeting – Full of controversy as the president himself is late
Mihir – actually seen with steam coming out of his ears
You’re a wizard Harry – Playing in the background of the carnage
Sohayl – enjoying it far too much for a uni student
Mihir – keen on locking the doors to send a message
Parth – instantly recalls his favourite film Captain Phillips decides to stage an exec coup
All of exec – leave the group chat naming it “former exec”
Parth – desperate to say it
Look at me – I’m the captain now
Parth – very much not the captain
Ed – let in by bouncer Mihir even though he was also late
Sash – turns up
Mihir – waits a minute before letting him in with a look of disgust
Abuse – fired Sash’s way
Question – who has contributed more to the death of the club?
Sash? – being 10 mins late to the meeting
The rest of the exec? – watching you’re a wizard Harry and Captain Phillips instead of being productive
One answer – of course Sash #ShitBloke
Exec meeting – smashed despite Mihir playing Pingu tunes on repeat for most of the meeting
Silly Point Team – off to talk to themselves for an hour
Sash and Jabzy – off to Rootes Grocery to purchase some K cider
K Cider – tramps dream
K Cider – also a Fresh’s nightmare
Sash – power going to his head as he defies the rules of shotgun
Children all over the world – simultaneously crying all over the world because of Sash’s wanker behaviour
Parth – one of those children as he is squashed into the back
Sash – rubbing salt into the wounds as he throws Parth’s bag out of the car
Freshers – spotted at Rootes not knowing about the carnage to follow
Fraser – seen herding fresh from the rear onto the bus.
Fraser – essentially the child snatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Buses and Lifts – in full flow as the lads head to the Old Lib
Radio loners – celebrating peak viewership of 3 with a beer on the bus
Jabzy – rushing back to get changed discovers that his smart shoes are not only still damp from Skool Dayz and POP last week, but they have also started cracking and developing mould all over
Photo evidence – provided for all of you knobs who don’t believe me
Worth – taking the hit for uniform
Parth – showing off his Lucozade full of vodka which definitely will not be drunk by the end of the night
Old Lib – full of smart good looking young men
The Old Lib Garden – full of alcoholic wastemen
Sesh – dropped off at the Balti by Sash, Krish and Joe
Freshers – none the wiser
Essex – in a fragile state after losing his bag with his girlfriend’s laptop inside
Parth – showing no sympathy at all and taking the piss
Tears – building up in Essex’s eyes
Essex – seemingly more suited to the mixed football banter
Bag – found at the time of writing so it is perfectly justified writing about Essex’s blunder
Jabzy – stressed af because the Balti still hasn’t cleared 15 mins into booking
Jabzy – learning one of the fundamentals of business – speak to the bloke in charge when booking
A group of 30 somethings – trying to enjoy a nice meal not knowing the riots about to begin
Tactically – all 60 clubmen are moved to the Balti
Instantaneously – the group moves out and the Balti is taken
The Battle of the Balti – won by Jabzy and his generals
Proceedings – can now begin as the restaurant is secured
Money – forced out of the clubmen by Rory
Rory – scariest debt collector in Leamington
Gentlemen – enormous
Tables – well and truly banged
Muppet Dress – reluctantly given back by Owen as it suited him so well
Owen – been desperately searching online for the same dress to wear to Kasbah
No – Luck
Jabzy – nominated by Ridge for not only booking the Balti at 6pm but also wearing WHITE shoes to the meal
Ridge – a known silly cunt
Amogh – nominated for the biggest piece of shithousery the club has ever seen
So disgusting – It can’t even be repeated
Cheers – equal
Wack – off
Pints – lager
Loser – will have to wack a pint of Aldi’s finest red wine
Aldi’s wine – the equivalent of drinking out of a puddle
Wack off – Jabzy sends Amogh however doesn’t look to hot with all the fizz build up
Amogh – distraught as yet again he is to wear a muppet dress
A possibility – for more consecutive weeks for Amogh with so much time left in the term
Arrogance – starting the sesh for everyone else
NJ – already an arrogant twat loves to hear it
MT – introducing the rule that if you lose you go again
MT – a now experienced sesh head watches for potential circle goers
Om – gets a full pint
Balti – erupts
Om – Menon
Table – sorted and ready for the first lambs to the slaughter
Sohayl – somehow squirming his way onto the table with about 2 circles under his belt
Jabzy – kicked off table for being too good looking and funny
Jabzy – also “a true liar” Vennu Mallesh voice
Fresher Aneesh – after drinking approximately one drink runs off to the bathroom
Every other fresher – now visibly shitting themselves
Fresher Aneesh – after finding out the doors are locked and not able to hold it chuns all over the floor in the hallway
Jabzy – has his head in his hands as he was the first fresh on “the table”
Chun – lays in wait as Jabzy tries to find something to clean it up
Waiter – almost in slow motion walks out of the kitchen with a stack of plates
Jabzy – has a heart attack as he knows what is coming next
Slip – Crash
Horror – probably the worst scenario imaginable as the waiter has slipped and fallen in sick as the plates have gone flying everywhere and breaking
NJ – looks as if he has seen a ghost as he has witnessed the whole thing
Chun trap – success
Relationship with the Balti – now fragile
Fraser and Ben – cheerful after now not having to go and sit on the fresh table
The Fresh table – also glad to not have those nonces join them
Bird – enjoying sipping his dark fruit rather than Cobra
Kingfisher – doing the job for most club men
Fresher Tumnus – causing the table to erupt as he convinces his fellow fresher on the table to split as he snakes him with a steal
Randall – immediately perking up as he is on recruitment for the SBS
Randall – also running SBS table which is equally as intimidating for stupid stupid fresh
SBS Table – inviting MT up
MT – flies away like a pigeon
Sash’s Nan – wears flip flops according to fresher Riz
Fresher Riz – also chewing a pint of protein powder which will do him some good by the looks of it
Fresher Milan – Enjoyed a nice mouthful of uber-phaal and said “wasn’t hot” had another mouthful
Second mouthful – making him basically cry
Essex – finding someone else to cry with
SJ – pissed off because Fresher Milan told him Charities was not an exec position
Charities – now no longer an exec position
SJ – noncing around spiking drinks
Sash – curdling drinks with Baileys
Fresher JB – smashing a pint of port in a game of heads
Shot roulette – confusing all the fresh as hardly any guess one right
The Fresh – will learn their shots eventually
Fresher Lewis – desperately trying to show that he has chopped already
Fresher Lewis – you are talking to a bunch of virgins who hate that sort of chat
Fresher James – winning with his story of cumming on his face before a family meal, only to go to the toilet and realise after eating half the meal.
Cumming on your own face – something that is funny to others but probably not worth spreading
Know to be known – as Fresher Facial
SBS table – in full flow
Fresher Rocco – “I am good at downing stuff”
Claim – bold
SBS – eyeing up fresh meat
Frequently asking the question – tell us a time when you were a shit bloke?
All of the fresh – obviously having loads to say because everyone at the club is a shit bloke
Fresher Tom – dumped his girl over snapchat but then she slept with her best friend the same night
Fresher Tom – sounds like it was a match made in shit bloke heaven
Fresher Josh – got nudes off of his best mates gf
Loyalty – 0/10
Fresher Josh – cementing himself as a serious candidate for SBS president one day
Muncy – now will take Fresher Josh under his wing to master the art of shagging others’ girls
Fresher Tumnus – an all-round unbelievable bloke
Devon – clearly the home of the brave as it have produced Jabzy and Fresher Tumnus
Fresher Tumnus – obviously a top shagger
Rumours – he shagged the white witch
Fresher Rudi – struggling with the heat of his butter chicken
Weakness – shown
Freshers Archie and Laurie – called up to the table last
Both – shitting themselves and red in the face
Sash – securing the last of the sesh as the boys head to Kelseys
Kelseys
Jinesh – showing how he is an alcoholic with his house full of beer bottles on way to collect Sash inbetween
Jinesh – a real concern for welfare
Rory and Jabzy – skulling some Kingfisher outside
Both – love the K (Kingfisher obviously)
Jede – giving a masterclass at pool as everyone tries to chug an eliminator
Ollie – hitting the black in and giving Sash a fat W
Ollie – a real weakling
Gone – in the head
CalGal – probably at home wanking at this time
CalGal – major flake of meal
SJ – still crying at Milan’s dig
Shiv – also aware of the chat has made an enemy
Fresher Milan – doing well and routing out the nonces early
Fresh – get on the wrong bus which not only was not empty enough but also had a wanker bus driver
Rav – loves the fact he pissed in the river like a tramp
Rav – reminding us of why he is a key member of the SBS “you have to get the right angle to get under the barrier”
River – now full of Ravi’s toxic piss
Bus – finally seats secured
Bus Journey
Bus driver – being filmed as a bus driver was assaulted last week
Fraser – clenching his fists ready for a fight
Megamix – only starting at the roundabout at the very top of Leamington
I want – it that way
Tell – me why
K cider – flying around the bus as the lads prepare for Disco Dave oversesh
Fresh – not knowing what lies in the woods ahead happily consume the tramp’s favourtie beverage
James – Sood
Banged – Out
Ridge – confused as to why we didn’t go straight onto Jerusalem blurts it out
Jabzy – saving Jerusalem until the very end of the journey following advice from Joe sighs but can’t help joining the choir
Jerusalem – legendary
Bin – Go
Shalom – Shalom
Always fucking win – a bold claim after relegations last year
2 German Bombers – shot the fuck down
RAF – from India shot them down
Campus – reached after a rushed last German bomber
To – the woods
Taurus – unleashed
Teams – split up
Sash – calls the big “on the one two, one two”
Taurus – eaten
Fresher Archie – complaining of a weak team obviously doesn’t realise the season of cricket he has ahead of him
Rav’s team – obviously winning as Rav trains himself on Taurus as a known tramp of Leamington
POP!
Off – to POP
Amogh – getting rid of the Muppet dress quickly
Surely – a fine?
Fights – being caused by Parth and Krish the two strongmen of the club
Odds – will not ever be in their favour in a fight
SJ – constantly moaning about Milan
U1 drivers – being super noncy
SJ – spotted some potential friends
Parth – initiating a group chat with some rogue filters being used
Jabzy – having already bottled it and gone home joins in and becomes James Charles
Sash – already a known dog, an unsurprising filter^^
Fraser and Ben – spotted shadow boxing/dancing outside the U1
(Both of them – could take any number of smack bouncers in a fight)
Essex’s GF – possibly trapped forever on the U1 after the driver confiscated her pass and was refusing to give it back whilst carrying on with the bus journey
Clubmen – eventually home safe
Club meal – success
Next one – will be even better