Tour Meeting – Success
Fraser – Killing it
Tour – Going to be gun
Exec Meeting – Parth, Sohayl, MT & Jabzy late
Stagecoach – consistently shit
U1– more like Uwillnevergetabusontime
Sohayl – Dressing up like a drug dealer
Parth – Probably is one
Sohayl – receiving some serious abuse for bottling circle despite securing a spare
Respect – Lost
The four of them– 10 minutes late
Mihir – flooding the room with passive aggressiveness
Nathan – also clearly bottling circle
Shit blokes list – 2 new members
Sash – Making use of precious time by playing countdown
The Exec – clearly warming up their maths skills for 20+1
Meeting – done at 7:10pm with some exec who had still not eaten
Danger – Ahead
Jabzy – reminded of the anti–doping course he must undertake as a result of missing the first meeting
No danger – of that happening
Gamble Pot – surely an easy way to pass off such a task
PCP – pool masterclass by Owen
Spares – scarce
Murphy – clinging on to his past by returning for both circle and skool dayz
Nevertheless – good to see the old timer
The Fresh – wisely learning from their mistakes of last week and holding off on the pints
Sash, Krish, Joe and Owen – volunteering for tables in hope of guaranteeing the return of the infamous corner
Jabzy – quickly downing a pint in desperation
Tables – hindered by some clueless woman on the gate
Mark – stepping in to sort shit out
Alpha – Male
Corner – consisting of Ridge, Krish, Joe, Sash, Rav and Amogh will from now on be referred to as the shit blokes society (SBS) for their deviant antics at circle
SBS – smug af
Krish – securing three spare cups to distribute his half pints
Half Pint – Warrior
Hockey – attempting to pikey a small table
Lacrosse – successfully sneaking away with the danger table

1st Session

Table Banging – Begins
Atmosphere – Unbelievable
Circle – finally back to controllable numbers
Gentlemen – registering on the Richter scale
Wooos – ringing around the place
Murphy – despite warnings decides to woo after countdown and cops a double
You – are old
Uniform – All very good
However – smart clothes will not unfortunately make the club members less ugly
Fresher Tumnus – clearly not finding access to smart shoes through the wardrobe
Circle – kicking off quickly
Muppet of the Week dress – lost by MT
MT – must double and then go find it
Jabzy – despite pressure from the SBS delays MoW until after the first game
Sash – one of the organisers of the Shit Blokes Society leading a protest over delayed MoW
Jabzy – after being confused by the sheer volume of terrible chat coming out of the corner forgets to gamble
Murphy – kindly reminds Jabzy
Jabzy – doubles
Gamble (Sash) – LadyBoy Chaser
Sash – must wack a pint of purple, lager and a mixer of his choice
Off – to the bar
New game – 20+1
Amazement – as in the first round 20+1 is reached by Fresher Lorrie
New rule – multiples of 4 are teams still in the Carabao cup
Fresher James – no clue
Sharky – Ipswich Town
Essex – howzaaaaaat
Soft Signal – out
Sharky – using his last review in desperation
DRS – Rock and Roll it
Ball tracking – showing 3 reds
Jaws – blasted out by the boys
Fresh – now beginning to find their voices and show why they are cricketers and not singers
Muppet dress – located
Nominations – Owen and Birdy
Bird – Taking his shirt off during baywatch AND HIS TIE
Looks of disgust – understandably fired at Birdy
Fresh – now learning the significance of the tie
Owen – nominated for shitting himself when a police car pulled him over and told him to turn his lights on
Owen – also nominated for mistakenly going into a female toilets and dropping the kids off only to realise it was the wrong toilet when he saw 3 women at the sinks
Cheers – equal
Wack – off
Bird – has to double after the wack off
Lesson – Learned
Bird – sends Owen and avoids doing 4 wacks
Owen – slips into the dress effortlessly
CalGal’s eyes – light up as he lines Owen up for a chop
Who wants to – wack
Jabzy – catching out four mugs with the oldest trick in the book
Gamble (Owen) – make a chain
Chain – Owen, Ridge, Cal and Tumnus
Tumnus – devastated as he is meant to be seeing Aslan early next day
NJ – still so happy with his nickname catching on
LadyBoy Chaser – boomed by Sash with the mixer proving most difficult
New Game – Tinder
Tinder – one of the heavier games for first session
First round – strong as 80% of the circle have to wack
Jabzy – left to sing pretty much on his own
Sesh – really beginning now
SJ – Noncing around as per usual, still desperately trying to match with a fresh
Chains – having a big impact on Tumnus
Superlike round – Fraser and Nikhil
Gamble (Sharky) – Get in the bin
Sharky – places himself in le bin
Cups – thrown at him with malice
Sharky – decides because he is in the bin he may as well behave like trash
SBS – possibly eyeing up a new recruit
New Game – ICICN
First round – Narnia characters
Tumnus – unable to escape the spotlight once more
Sash – smashing out 15
Second round – England Cricket Captains
Sash – claimed again by Rav
Rav – dangerously close to going over his limit of one beer
Krish – pouring his half pints
Sash – fails
Not – my president
Third round (Joe claims Krish) – 1 thing Warwick Sport is actually good at
Krish – faced with an impossible task wacks one of his six half pints
Fourth round – reasons for Murphy’s unemployment
Reasons – 40
MT – getting to 20 quickly
Favourite – “he’s ugly”
Circle – accept this as a valid reason
Murphy – fuming
MT – slows down and has to wack reaching only 26
Fifth round – Reasons smack bouncers will beat you up
Fresher Alfie – experiences PTSD as he was yeeted by them recently
Taran – claimed by Pitkin
26 – the target
Taran – coming out with all sorts of reasons
Pitkin – unhappy with most of them
Smack bouncers – unreasonable and so Jabzy accepts
Pitkin – wacks
Gamble (Murphy) – Facebook live wack
Murphy – keen to add to the reasons he is not employed
Murphy’s FB – exposed to the horrors of circling
New Game – Randall Splat
Fresher Harry – having a heavy session
Harry’s liver – in for a lot more
Shiv – caught out pouring his pints
Splat – getting everyone smashed
Sash – Beaten by MT in a wack off
MT – adding it to his CV
History degree – unemployable af
Fresher Lorrie – attempting not to throw up in his hands again
Last two standing – Taran vs Fresher Harry
Duel rules – explained
Taran – showing impressive speed and sending Harry
Fresher Harry – now a qualified loser
Session – called


Krish – spotted trying to perv on guys in the cubicles
Excuse – he thought it was Parth
Krish – told to fuck off by the occupant of one of the cubicles
CalGal – prepping to rip off one of the boys shirts later
SJ – doing the same
Rumour – CalGal changes sexuality when there is a full moon
Clubmen – feeling the effects of a heavy first session
Sharky – relieved to be out of the bin
Lads – psyching themselves up for a large second session
Jabzy – Ready to get back to it

2nd Session

Tables – Banged
Gentlemen – equally as strong as the first
SBS – smashing down pints no doubt planning to cause havoc later on
Parth – inhaling his pint
W – ooooos
Next Woo – Murphy wacks
MT– wooooooooooooooo
Welcome – back to uni
Supergamble (Fresher Harry) – Uber Fahl
Fresher Harry – must eat a Fahl at the club meal next week (hottest curry they serve)
All of a sudden – Danger Table
Sohil and Cal – left devastated as a river of sesh flows into the middle of circle
Cal – sees one pint has remained standing and is quick to claim it
Jabzy’s shoes – Wrecked
New game – PL Darts
Big match – SBS + Jabzy vs MT Bird & co
Eight – versus eight
Bin – placed on table other side of circle
SBS – serious speed
MT’s team – mugged off
SBS – secure a big W
Rory’s team vs Tumnus’ team – neck and neck
Aussie James – put under pressure as he has the last throw to secure a win
Bottles – it
Gamble (SJ) – Pepsi Wax
SJ – must drink vodka coke for the whole of the session
Fresh – startled at such a challenge
Murphy and Ridge – Think that it should be 2 wacks of pepsi
Both – “The club is dead”
Club – has been dead ever since Mez left
New Game – Duck Duck Moose
Fraser – causing scenes as he wins a race
Everyone – unimpressed as he has stitched a fresh
The race – almost like slow motion as the two essentialy sip their pints
Any of – eat it
Sohil – now stocked up on pints since the table disaster
Rumours – he spent £50 replacing peoples pints
£50 – taking the piss
Fresher Archie – gunning for the SBS challenges Sash
Sash – reminiscent of a David Attenborough documentary defeats the challenger and remains alpha of circle
Still – a shit bloke
Gamble (any of?) – Fraser vs Ravi race
Rav – must down 2 pints whilst Fraser only has to do one
Fraser – astonishes the circle and secures another W in a race
Muncey – proceeds to shag F– dog’s girl as well as every other clubman’s
Danger – Rav has now exceeded one beer and has a dangerous look in his eye
New game – Trivia (Home/Away)
Every table other than Pitkin’s – Away
Murphy’s team – nailing exactly how many years Mandela served in prison
Cheeky – about 20,000 off when guessing population of Leam (50,000)
Sood’s team – close to guessing when first lawn tennis club was set up in Leam (1872) however smashes a double as James Sood is belted out
Pitkin + Taran’s team – How many runs did Ireland lose to Oman by? (43)
Guess – 26
Wrong – unsurprising because who would care about that game
Phones – so much in circle
Owen – representing the SBS constantly on his phone
Most likely – sending that “you up?” message to team snapchat
Or – checking with his girl that Muncey hasn’t shagged her
Freshers Lorrie and James – both wearing shit jackets that are immediately taken off of them


SJ – looks in serious trouble
Headache – set up nicely for his Thursday
Plan to wait outside local primary school Thursday morning – ruined
Vodka – can break the strongest man
Jabzy – squeezing all he can out of SJ nonce banter as he lacks any jokes himself
SJ – calling himself a fresh as he is in rootes until his house’s boiler is fixed
NJ – clearly oblivious to the fact SJ broke it on purpose to live closer to the fresh
Old rootes fresh – lock your doors
Everyone – reduced to 60% of their usual selves
Shiv – pissed af because he has failed to gamble 5 times
SBS – pose for a photo
Filter and editing – needed
Jabzy – allowing a longer recess for recovery
Ben H – also missing from circle
F– dog – without his partner in crime
F– dog and Ben – like Broad and Anderson only better looking
Finally – its time dive back into the action

3rd Session

Bables – Tanged
Banging – causes clubmen to run back to circle and take a seat
MT – rushes back from a quick piss
Gentlemen – smashed and quickly out of the way
Gamble (Sohil) – Nibs
Sohil – can use a nib to redirect one of his wacks
Ivan – spotted with a VK in circle
Abuse – pouring in from every angle
Ivan – out of his mind breaking one of the ten commandments
“Thou shall never bring a VK to circle”
Punishment – must finish his VK and then double
Fresh – learn another vital lesson
New game – One Fat Frog
One Fat Frog – keeping everyone concentrating
Fresh – unsurprisingly making mistakes
Sash – attempting to start the apache helicopter sequence but failing miserably
Jabzy – getting trench foot from all the spilt purple
CalGal – counting down the seconds to baywatch
Disco Dave’s dirty bangers – now can be heard
Phones – again in circle
Punishment pints – dealt out
Rory – stuck with a big group of fresh around him for the second week in a row
SJ – jealous
SBS – launching midget gems
Sash – caught in the act by Jabzy and doubles
Essex – showing serious talent catching a cross– circle midget gem in his mouth
Fresher Tumnus – not yet turned to stone
Sohil – getting it wrong on purpose and sending his pint to Joe
Gamble (Fresher James) – Straight Arm Wack
Straight Arm Wack – not ideal right before POP
Fresher James – rig out
Tie – still on
Barmy – Army
A typical straight arm wack – hardly any of the purple actually being consumed
Wear – it
New game – Kraus’ Cricket
Purple – seriously taking an effect on everyone’s maths
49 – complete disaster
Two consecutive weeks – 50 has not been reached
UWMCC – confirmed dead
The bat – may never be raised again
All culprits – doubling for a complete shambles
Again – Jabzy rushed for time as the bouncers ask him to wrap it up
Jabzy – skips gamble
SBS – living up to their name
Speed 20+1 – wack and leave
Jabzy – being as harsh as he can sends everyone
CalGal – stitches fresher NJ
NJ – pleased at Cal’s misfortune
Circle – wrapped up
Joe – winner of micro circle
Downstairs – to continue the sesh


Huddle – formed
Foot stamping – begins
You are – my fire
Tell – me why
A wild Mallows – has appeared
Angels – seems to improve every week
Jabzy – now with no voice left
Bow of burning gold – brought out by many
Chariot of fire – also brought
Jerusalem – now built
Barmy Army – carnage
Jabzy’s drink – sent all over the shop
To – POP

Rav – after running out of girls to shag wacks and then chuns into a bin
Rory – doing his duty of VP and pisses on a hockey fresh
Hockey – now owned by Rory
Cricket – now not only metaphorically but also literally pisses on hockey
Sash and his gang – winning a fight
“We always fucking win”
NJ – abusing all of his Pret co-workers on the work gc
Murphy – still unemployed
Owen – most likely chopped by Cal
Clubmen – all back safe
Rory – planning his next pissjob
Session – ended
See you all – at Skool dayz

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