Excitement – bubbling
Cheeky – plotting
Freshers – nervous, especially considering the level of loose bloke that Cheeky has been this year
Nick Hill and Tasty – both developing sudden illnesses that allow them to be excused from their Thursday Metric exam
Illnesses – seemingly POP! resistant
Exec meeting – scheduled for 6pm
Cheeky – adamant that he will be on time
Tasty – adamant that Cheeky will 100% be late


Cheeky – “Tasty, do Rootes have any Hula Hoops?”
Tasty – “I’ll check”
Cheeky – “Don’t worry I’ve just bought a massive bag”
Tasty – “How have you managed that? Wait are you still in Leam…?”
Cheeky – “No comment”


Rooty – arriving on time for once…
Exec meeting – commenced
Rooty – quickly having to leave to return to labs to avoid his batch of Crystal Meth going wrong
Rooty – Northern Walter White
Cheeky – noticeably absent…


Bexson – “and now on to stash, which we can’t talk about because Dan isn’t here”
Ballo – “he needs to sort his shit out”
Rich words – coming from Ballo
Cheeky – “Sorry I missed your call Tasty, I was just getting on the bus… Don’t say I told you so”
Dan Lewis Exec meeting attendance – worse than Men’s Hockey CMD routine
Meeting outcome – PWC quiz money and sponsorship meaning the club actually has some money
UWMCC – alive and well
PCP – a marvellous array of excited 2nd, 3rd and 4th years and a nervous bunch of freshers
Fresher Harry – arriving to Cheeky Fresh first, with it being his first circle
Fresher Ed – snatching one of the last few remaining tickets, after making bold claims that he could send 5 pints in a minute
Fresher 1 minute – any?
Mentors – being told who their mentees are:

Murphy – Seb G (what a unbearable combination)
Tasty – Seb S
Millman – Curtis
Roach – Tim
Nick Hill – Arjun
Chattle – Randall
Choppy – Om
Probert – Harry
Rhino – Aneesh
Dhruv – Adithya
Turner – Ed

Freshers Arjun and Om – Letting down their mentors and not turning up
Mentors – giving big speeches, hoping to inspire the next great winner of Cheeky Fresh
Cheeky – looking particularly devious, obviously enjoying the power
Clayden – making a return for the second time this year, looking to fill the sesh-shaped void in his life
Bexson and Bozza – in charge of the gamble pot for this week
Freshers – hoping for a light one for obvious reasons
Bexson – a cunt, therefore a nice gamble pot not likely
J$ – “shall we do a sweepstake on how many things that end in ‘double’ will be in there?”
Bozza – selected as the Week 10 table bitch
Bozza – assuring Tasty that he is the man for the job after a disappointing performance from Ferdi the previous week left Tasty questioning his choices
Social secs – itching to get upstairs to set up for the last circle of term
Table target – 7
Tasty – using his charm to slowly migrate his way to the front of the queue
Bozza to group chat – “We are waiting to set up circle, and women are literally queuing up to speak to Tasty!”
Ego – as if Tasty’s needed a boost
UWMCC’s circle – looking nice and circular with the intended 7 tables standing tall
Ladies Hockey – going for an oblong approach… lets hope it works out for them
Lacrosse – cunts as usual, taking 15+ tables because of their “80 person” circle
Lacrosse circle – quieter than the orgasm of a mute, despite the 80 so-called sportsmen
Men’s Hockey – retreating to the safety of the Chill out room to avoid any CMD chant… pussies
Who won CMD? – We won CMD!!!!!!!!!!!
Circle – slowly filling up, with many an excited face
Cheeky – mischievous, taking the final seat
GENTLEMAN!!!!!!! – The last and best of the term
Infringements – plenty
Freshers Curtis, Ed and Seb G – all wacking for trainers, alongside Murphy who should know better by now
Murphy – “I’ve worn these every week though”
Tasty – “then you shall be wacking 10”
Larkins – “it’s only cheating if you’re caught”
Murphy – let off with just the one
Fresher Adi – wearing white socks, punishable by wack
CMD victors – each having 1 to nominate
Non-supporters – swiftly punished by nominations
Hall – managing to avoid nominations due to the sober nature of his circle
Hall – “I’ve got some serious shits right now, alcohol would be a dangerous choice”
Hall – coincidently sitting next to Inth, making up the culprits of ‘shitgate’ of Term 2 Week 6 last year
MOTW – only 2 contenders this week
Clayden – nominated for Kasbah whoppery by Big Jon. The Old boys, prior to Cricket Ball decide to hit up Kasbah on the Friday night. As per usual with the UWMCC, the night gets out of hand (rumours that Cooper effectively lost his entire life that night). Clayden, having driving up, had his car keys on him…, which he swiftly loses in the chaos of Kassy B. In an obvious predicament, Clayden addresses the issue by having his mum drive up to Leamington on the Monday to drop off the spare car keys. 22 years old, and still relying on his Mum to sort his shit out
Hall – nominated in revenge by Clayden. Hall, who has been suffering with his bowel movements of late, was preparing some delicious food in his kitchen earlier in the day. Feeling the next to expel some gas, Hall lines up a fart. Sadly for him, things don’t exactly go to plan and for the second time in the space of a year, shits himself
UWMCC – making it clear whom the winner is
Hall – accepting his fate, “I’d like to withdraw my nomination for Clayden”
Hall – donning the dress with surprising ease
Dress – impressively survived a whole term
New game – 20+1
Gamble – Clayden – Wacking Paper
Clayden – having to wack a purple through a tube of wrapping paper
Wrapping paper – nice and Christmassy
Clayden – taking a knee in circle whilst having the sweet nectar poured into his waiting mouth
Fresher Joe – eyeing up the wrapping paper, hoping to make paper plane v2
Merriman – thankfully absent as to avoid another aviation-based disaster
UWMCC – continuing its recent record of a perfect first round, Roachy being the recipient of the loss
New rule – table wacking
Freshers – looking at Roachy with a hatred
20+1 – solid performances from most, Will O’Farrell once again seemingly single handedly being responsible for his table’s punishment
New rules – multiples of 6 = six symbol, multiples of 10 = wack
Tasty – merciful, allowing multiples of 10 to be table wack free
Someone – losing
Bozza – deciding to wack with the losing table, inadvertently kimming his entire table
Bozza – effectively having to double due to having to wack with his table
Gamble – Freddie Larkins Powerplay
Tasty – sent to the sidelines
Larkins – out of the game for a long time, taking a while to remember what to say
New game – Heads or Tails
Gamble – Social Sec 1 minute challenge
Tasty and Larkins – deciding to do at the start of next session
Heads or Tails – making a lot of people wack, some fresh already looking worse for wear
Bexson – the unluckiest man alive
Bexson – en route to sesh town for the second week running
False hope – for Tasty as Bexson cheers the coin toss
Bexson – cheering the fact he’d got it wrong
Tasty – wacking
New game – Arrogance
Larkins – playing games in hope of giving the fresh some time to recover
Gamble – Cheeky – Sing-a-long wack
Cheeky – giving a feeble rendition of the JB hit ‘Love Yourself’
Cheeky – managing 3 lines before forgetting the lyrics, giving up and wacking
Arrogance – standard, giving people a chance to recover… expect Fresher Curtis
Curtis – managing to flip his coin into a full pint on 2 separate occasions
Curtis – in a world of trouble
New world – a 4 game session
New game – Face Down, Eyes up
Gamble – Cheeky Fresh Powerplay
Cheeky Fresh – currently undecided
FDEU – a lot of targeting, with fan favourites Ballo and Rooty often being the targets
Rooty – forever a dirty northern bastard
Larkins – having enjoyed his powerplay, relinquishes control

1st Recess

Choppy to Tasty – “which one of those girls is the one that you are chirpsing?”
Tasty –(pointing) “that one there”
Choppy –“the one sitting next to that girl in the stripy polo who looks like a potential holocaust victim?”
Choppy – continuing his 4th Reich behaviour that started in fancy dress circle
Cheeky – sending drinks instruction to the mentors for Cheeky Fresh
Mentors – fucking excited
Fresh – rounded up into the toilets

Cheeky Fresh 2016 –
1. Jagerbomb with mayonnaise and Baileys
2. Pint of purple with no hands
3. Vodka Coke with curry powder
4. Spin round on the spot 10 times
5. Down another pint of purple
6. Run downstairs, fetch a girl, read her a love poem whilst she slots 5 hula hoops onto his finger which they have to keep on for the rest of the challenge
7. 2 VKs of varying flavours with curry powder around the rim
8. Pint of Guinness
9. Victory and eternal glory (for a year at least)

Bexson – giving a rousing starting speech
Clever fresh – positioning themselves at the front of the toilet
Fresher Joe – favourite going in, off to a flying start, picking up the purple with his mouth and pouring it down him
Joe, Seb S, Tim and Curtis – quick to make it downstairs
Many fresh – choosing to do the love note section downstairs
Seb S – bringing his bint upstairs with him
Meanwhile – fresher Harry still struggling through his purple
Probert – unlikely to be a winning mentor this year
Seb S – proposal done, quickly onto the VKs alongside Joe
Cheeky Fresh – exciting
Photo finish – as Joe pours his Guinness down him
Bozza – with some truly atrocious camera work, determining that the victor of Cheeky Fresh 2016 is…


Tasty – making up for losing last year by being the victorious mentor
Seb S – ecstatic
Seb G – still struggling through every drink whilst other people pour them to finish
Seb G – “I just wanted to prove that I wasn’t 50-1”
Stench – unbearable as Murphy
Cleanup – efficient but circle still smelling like the world’s worst curry house
Lacrosse circle – looking vulnerable to be stolen but the idea quickly shut down
SUPER GAMBLE – Murphy – “Jaimin does a 1 minute challenge, nominate his total x 3”
Social secs – deciding to do their challenge alongside J$
J$ – managing 4
Larks – 3
Tasty – pushing 3 and a half before tapping himself out of circle to chun
Cheeky Fresh Powerplay – activated
Seb – taking his place at the centre of circle
New game – ICICN
Gamble – Choppy? – Slip Cordon
Hall, Inth and Fresher Adi – the victims
ICICN – months of the year
Count – somehow reaching 25 before Turner claims Tasty
Turner – made to wack alongside for being a shit bloke
Random spectator – calling Turner a shitcunt, which is pretty appropriate
Other Claims – a drunken blur
Rhino – dabbing and managing to send all of his remaining pints with the trailing arm
Circle – becoming rowdy in the post Cheeky Fresh excitement
New game – Mexican wack-off
Gamble – 2nd year vs. 3rd Year boat race
Boat race – 3rd session
Someone, maybe Rooty – the victim of the Mexican wack off
2nd Recess – needed

Red couches – full of suffering UWMCC members
3rd session – likely to be a myth
Gamble pot – once again flooded in purple
Tasty – ready to lose his shit, “next term, if anyone does this again, they will be out of circle”
Boat race – readied in the centre of circle
2nd years – Inth, Turner, Chattle and Tasty
3rd years – Will O’Farrell, Bexson, Larkins and Bozza
J$ – refusing to partake due to oversesh
Race – a close affair
Tasty – edging out Bozza on the final leg to give the 2nd years a victory
3rd years – losing an awful lot of boat races this year
Coins – being tossed around circle
UWMCC – really knowing how to fuck Tasty off, the next coin dropper being threatened with a triple
Bexson – intentionally getting a coin out but then accidently dropping it
Everyone – wacking for Bexson’s dissidence
Bexson – tripling as warned
New game – Tinderrr
Gamble – Chattle – Double, Gamble, Wack
Chattle – already in a world of trouble having been fucked over by Will O’Farrell in previous table wacking games
Chattle – struggling through the double
Gamble – “Jonny Hall calls your Dad and commentates whilst you do a 1 minute challenge”
Chattle – given respite from his final wack to ready for the 1 minute challenge
Chattle’s Dad – unresponsive
Chattle’s Sister – the new target, called Millie
1 minute challenge – underway
Hall –“Hi there Millie, I’m a friend of your brother and thought I’d just give you the low down whilst he does a drinking challenge. He’s made it through the first pint with ruthless effien… oh no wait he’s just vomited everywhere”
Millie – quick to hang up
Tinder – standard, cleaning up pints and leaving people dead
New game – speed 20+1
Wack and leave – enforced
Circle – over soon after when tables start hitting the deck


Megamix – still going strong
Popcorn – being thrown about during the songs
Front row – locked down by sesh hungry clubmen
Christmas hats – aplenty
Rouge bar perch – hosting it’s standard people i.e. Tasty, Bex and Claydsweek-10-2
Joe – still trying his hardest to run away from his stalker i.e. Cooper’s chop
Cooper’s chopper – obviously having a lasting effect on this fresher
Joe – finding respite with some pole girls
Joe to Tasty – “you have a very distinct type don’t you. If Olive was bald, then she’d have similar qualities to Kelly-Anne”
Tasty – walking away
Rooty – shlipping away to the smoking area to make a move on a cheeky santa
Rooty – having a great time
Bexson – managing to have a domestic with his girlfriend despite not even talking to her
Clayden – telling Tasty to get it out on multiple occasions
Kleptomaniacs – rife within the club, with almost everyone managing to steal at least one hat
Someone – bumping into Seb S
Seb S – “one does not simply bump into the Cheeky Fresh”
Randomer – confused but backing off nonetheless
Disco Dave – asking for Jonny Hall on multiple occasions
Hall – busy pissing from his arse
Roachy – seemingly avoiding his Hockey girl, despite her week-10-1being out of his league and genuinely interested in him
CMD girl – showing Larkins some action shots of Turner as Beyonce
CMD girl – zooming in, “where is his penis?”
Ironic – considering the CMD girl had her cameltoe for the world to see at CMD
POP! – wrapping up
UWMCC – had a successful evening, either with girls or hats… mostly hats
Netball girl – heard bitching about Bexson in the cab on the way home
Tasty – continuing to build interclub relations, this time with an Athletics girl who noticed him from the CMD routine
CMD – highlighting the importance of a good thrust
Ballo – the winner of the hat-stealing contest, managing a total of 27 hats and some fairly lights
Ballo – trying to claim his achievement is better than winning Cheeky Fresh
Oi Ballo – get fucked
Dan Lewis – relinquishing his nickname with sadness
Dan Lewis – still cheeky
Seb Sander – even cheekier

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