Exec meeting – was held on Sunday so no need for that nonsense today
Instead – S&C have a meal with Michal their instructor
Sohayl – even after being informed that Michal doesn’t like spice proceeds to order a curry with spice
Sash – ripped into about not making training after a heavy smack night out
Sash – needs training more than most
Muppet nominations – anticipated
Sohayl – managing to smash his phone when leaning it up against the non strikers end stumps with a half decent straight drive
Sohayl – also capturing on his phone Bird getting worked around by some bowlers
CalGal – “Can’t wait for the state of my arsehole and throat tomorrow”
Jabzy – assumes not from just the curry with Cal’s wild antics
Michal – obviously struggling with his dish
Sohayl – laughing
T-bar – reached eventually at 7:40
CalGal – frequently updating the club of who has who between mentors and fresh as the big Cheeky fresh takes place tonight
CalGal – the chief organiser
Jabzy – not helping him very much after being asleep all day
Jabzy – straight in to smash tables
Tables – an absolute shambles as we only have 4 and expect a big turnout
Chairs – nowhere to be seen
Jabzy – wonders over to Mark for him to sort it out
Mark – clearly tired of his job *sighs*
Jabzy – is told to run down into the store to grab a couple of tables
Does – so
Need – at least 3 more tables
And – about 45 chairs
Chairs – down in rouge bar needing transportation
Shiv – the man of the hour doing several trips doing so
Some creatures – we will trade you 2 chairs for a table
Wow – what a fucking deal
Fuck – off
You – cunt
Jabzy – realises there is no bin and rushes off in a panic
No – danger
Jabzy – secures the bag
Jabzy – after sorting out circle eventually goes for a hearty poo
Pints – flowing
CR2 – filling up very quickly
Gentlemen – biggest of the year as the fresh give it their all too
Uniform – ok from Jabzy’s quick inspection
Fraser – wearing possibly the grossest chinos of our generation
Fresher Lewis – not wearing converses!
Muppet nominees – Rav, Amogh and Fraser
Fraser – nominated for some disgusting behaviour
Fraser – after managing to pull, is on his way home with the chirpse. As he is walking, he looks over and sees a fellow clubmen, who other than Mihir Chandraker. Spotting Mihir and in a full state of shithousery, Fraser asks his girl to walk behind him as he is afraid Mihir will see. Mihir, has already seen hence this nomination. So not only did Fraser have the balls to make such a demand, the girl followed through with it and they walked in single file for at least 100m.
Fraser – clearly has this girl on a leash
Rav – nominated not so much for being a shit house, but for shitting all over the house
Rav – after NJ’s birthday circle sprinted home feeling as if the worst could happen. Much like in a horror movie, he scrambles for his keys, unable to unlock the door on his first attempt. Once finally opened, and at maximum pressure, he sprints up the stairs into the bathroom and pulls his trousers down.
Oh no
In doing so, Rav has shat everywhere in the bathroom. Rumours say some was on the ceiling. He proceeds to wash all of the bathmats as Joe walks in asking if he threw up. Joe then says, oh at least you didn’t shit yourself! Rav, gives him the look of disappointment and failure
Joe – knowing all too well of this look recognises what has happened
Rav – given a big cheer for that
The dog – taking a human for a walk
Amogh – has forgotten the dress for the second time in the space of 3 weeks
Even – with a reminder a couple of hours earlier
Amogh – must triple
Don’t – do the crime if you can’t do the time

1st Session

Gamble (Fraser) – Serenade a girl in circle
No – women’s cricketers allowed
F-dog – mopes away to find some poor woman
New game – 20+1
Jabzy – getting tired of circle starting like this vows to change it up next term
First rule – mentor wacks
Freshers – ready to get started

Pairings are:

Freshers – Mentors
Lewis (actually lives in Leam) – Sharky
Olly – Parth
Laurie – Ed
Archie – Rudi
Mike – Taran
Josh – Nathan
Harry – Shiv
Alfie – Fraser
James (Oz) – Essex
Tumnus – Ben

20+1 – going along slowly
New rule – table wacking
Chains – Jabzy still enforces
Turns out – bad decision
Pitkin’s table – stands up
Chained – to a fresher heavy table
Chained – to pretty much the rest of circle
Jabzy – finding it funny
Everyone else – not so
Perfect timing – F-dog returns with not one but two women
Pausing – the carnage
Fraser’s victim – looks hesitant before stepping into the lion’s (dog’s) den
Fraser – wastes no time in getting started
Mariah – Carey?
Victim – looks ready to leave already
Fraser – singing like a dog would
Stranger – after having enough wacks a pint and quickly leaves
Thank god – that’s over
Nevertheless – a great effort from Fraser and respect is shown by all the club
Gamble (Pitkin) – LR Trouser swap
Rohan and Shiv – must go to the toilets and swap trousers for the night
Rohan – cannot get the zip up on Shiv’s trousers
Shiv’s trousers – not used to this kind of pressure
New game – Trivia Away/Away
Joe’s table – How many bones does a newborn have (typically)?
Answer given – like 80
Real answer – 300
Krish’s table – the atomic number of Chlorine?
After a bit of dispute – the number 17 is thrown out
Nailed – it
Fresh tables – being worked over with these nominations
Sood’s table – Before being killed, how old was the oldest mollusk?
Answer given – 480
With – to the nearest twenty and a bit of confusion its realised they just missed out on one of the best answers in Trivia this year
Real answer – 507 years
Fresher Alfie’s table – What year was the terminator released?
Fresher Alfie – straight away
19 – 84
Question – a relatively easy one but nevertheless it’s fun to see pints nominated to the SBS
Ridge – what was the question?
Jabzy – tells him
Ridge – “Oh thats fucking easy”
Drink – up
Eat – it
Gamble (Sharquiss) – Leader of Dev
Krish vs Ed
Double vs Double
Back – a winner
Krish – smashes a double quicker than Ed can even finish his first
Krish – defying all the haters in the room as most of them backed Ed
MT – trying to cheat
MT – has transitioned into a bad boy
Apparently – it has now become cool to be a dirty cheat
MT – taking notes from Owen clearly
New Game – Randall Splat
Jabzy – not preparing well enough doesn’t have any dice
Instead – Jabzy will selectively ruin the freshers by his own accord
Sash – losing again
MT – the quickest wacker in circle?
Joe – after trying to smash a pint proceeds to throw it up/ spit it out
Hmmm – an interesting strategy
However – he must stay standing
Joe – easily then shags some helpless in no time at all and sits down
Laurie and Sharquiss – final two
Sharquiss – has done at least 3 rounds and lost all of them
Disappointing – from the Somerset lad
Laurie – after being told he is in the final runs off to fill the toilets with some glorious regurgitated purple
Sharquiss – will just have to wait until he recovers


Essex – “We don’t want recess”
Funnily enough – a guy who never gambles and cheats at games won’t need a break compared to the hardcores
Jabzy – also has to set up cheeky fresh with CalGal
Essex – a truly miserable cunt
CalGal – sees his time to shine starts throwing orders around
Parth – keen to steal some crackers
Parth – a growing lad
Freshers – ordered into the toilets
Freshers – no clue about what is to hit them
Mentors – straight to the bar to secure the sesh
Rav – assigned keeper of the gate will not let any freshers out prematurely
NJ – the enforcer on the door
Fresher Aussie James – seen wandering around aimlessly
Jabzy – quickly ushers him into the toilets
CalGal – filling up the dirty pints with a smile on his face
CalGal – loves to ruin freshers
MT and Collins – getting ready to secure some devastating footage
Tables – moved into straight lines
Only – one bin!
Serious – danger of chun on the floor
NJ – at some point around now goes into the disabled toilet and kicks the door behind him
NJ – approached by that blonde bouncer who has a face like a slapped ass
NJ – “what?”
NJ – I didn’t m–
NJ – clearly rattled by such anger
F-dog – may have finally met his match

2nd Session

Jabzy – worried about what is to come as cheeky fresh is finally set up
Rav – gives the fresh an inspirational talk
Talk – inspirational
NJ – lets the dogs out of the cage
Freshers – sprinting over to their mentors
Challenges – include
Ew – Vinegar and Chilli in a pint
V – Ks
Dry af – crackers
Girl – from downstairs
Straight – arm wack
Mixer – downed
And – more
Freshers Harry and Archie – first downstairs
Freshers Ollie and James – close behind
Mess – created
Jabzy – worried about the mess being created as well as all the attention from the other clubs
Fresher Mike – lagging behind
Fresher Mike – looking a state
Seniors – standing on chairs and being screamed at by the same bouncer
Freshers Harry and Archie – neck and neck
Both – quickly securing girls and begging them to down their pints ASAP as they eat their crackers
Fresher Ollie – rumoured to have been stopped by bouncers for shouting “who wants a free pint!?”
Fresher Harry – smashes the straight arm and the mixer and is crowned by CalGal as Cheeky Fresh
Fresher Archie – finishing a close second and reckons Harry did the challenges in the wrong order
Jabzy – trusts CalGal and goes with his decision
CalGal – confirms Fresher Harry was fine
Fresher James – coming in a respectable third
Fresher Ollie – eventually rolls in
Fresher Mike – really struggling runs off to the toilet
Fresher Laurie – slowly pours the straight arm with a look of defeat on his face
Fresher Lewis – putting in a strong performance but unfortunately not quick enough for a podium spot
Joe – taking this opportunity to piss behind the stage
Joe – claiming CR2 as his hunting ground
Fresher Mike – found with his pants down asleep on the toilet
Fresher Mike – the first victim of cheeky fresh
Bouncers – find him and take him out
Fresher Mike – rumoured to have battled his way back in
Clean up job – led by Krish
Chunder – all over the floor
Freshers – ordered to go clean themselves up
CalGal – no doubt proud of his destruction
Supergamble (Sood) – Glockenspiel Challenge
Cheeky – nominated to play his rig
Sood – getting his rig out
To the tune of – James Sood
Fresher Harry – clearly not rhythmical as he goes about just relentlessly smacking Sood
Sood – also getting a lot of the pint seeping into his eyes
Sood – not a regular gambler and this will no doubt deter him from doing so in the future
SJ – on his phone
Southern – is a nonce
Nonce – in circle
New Game – PL Darts
House – straight up for a 7vs7 against SJs team
Fresher Archie – disappointed not to be included in such a battle
The SBS – back to their winning ways as they blast Path’s team on speed as well as another point
SBS – win a lot of the time
But – not all of the time
N – ibs
Fresher Archie and Jabzy – involved in a 2v2 against Rudi and Nikhil
Jabzy – secures the speed but neither him or Archie can slot one
Take the – L
MT – after this challenges Jabzy to wack off
Jabzy – obliges
Essex – the judge
Jabzy – sure that he won and is fuming that Essex decided MT won
Jabzy – getting far too competitive
Seniors – sending the fresh in a 7vs7 as Aussie James doesn’t even know what to do
Nathan – having his birthday in circle :0
Jabzy – promises he will
But – not yet


Nathan – step up
Nathan – must do at least two full pints
Circle – blasting out happy birthday but apparently in all the confusion of cheeky fresh have gone tone deaf
Cheeky – preparing his circle as Jabzy runs off to get some pints
Jabzy – finally his chance to get a bit rogue

3rd Session

Jabzy – happily acquiring some sesh at the bar
Jabzy – also fucking hears gentlemen going on, fuck
Cheeky – is already blasting the wooos by the time Jabzy gets back
Essex – again being the most fun guy in circle already wants Jabzy back in the circle
Jabzy – keen to see what Cheeky has got in the locker refuses
Gamble (Ivan) – LR 3 wise men
Nathan and Ed – must go and find the best gifts they can for Harry
Winner – gets three to nominate
Nathan – gets tinsel
Ed – a Christmas hat
Ed – decided by cheeky as the victor
Ed – nominates 1 to Krish and 2 for Taran
New Game – Kraus’ Cricket
Sash – arguing with Cheeky over whether its Kraus’ cricket or cricket
Sash – give the bloke a fucking chance
Cheeky – carries on and clarifies its Kraus’ cricket
Sash – was also the first wicket
Standard – Sash
UWMCC – fully bottling it in the aftermath of a heavy 2 sessions
Total – 48
P – athetic
Gamble (Sash) – Nuke
Sash – says its nominate nuke as Harry doesn’t check
Sash – proceeds to eat the gamble
Sash – representing SBS well
Parth – looks distraught as he realises what’s about to happen
Parth’s table – nominated
See – ya
Cheeri – o
New Game – S&C
Circle – absolute carnage at this time
Cheeky – struggling to keep a hold on the rogue senior clubmen like Ridge
S&C – approaching Joe
Jabzy – female
Joe – penis
Cheeky – decides he must drink
Joe – outraged and demands the welfare sec intervenes
Joe – Female’s can have penises
Joe – made to drink anyway
Jabzy – loving the drama
Jabzy – also yeeting stacked cups at Parth and Fresher Ollie
Joe – yeeting them at Women’s hockey
All of a sudden – hell breaks loose
Sash – throws a pint at Rav
Rav – retaliates
Amogh – hit by the response
Amogh – entering himself for the Mr.Shithouse Uk competition goes over to Rav and pours a full pint over him
Rav – fully pissed
Rav – for some reason goes over to Sash and pours one over him
Sash – obviously gives one back to him as SBS relations turn sour
Krish – goes over to mediate as Rav storms off
What a waste – of delicious purple
Jabzy – recognises the state of circle takes back control from Cheeky
Cheeky – has done a stellar job all things considered
New Game – speed 20+1
Parth – reappearing from toilets
Boiling down to the final few – Pitkin Cal and Parth
Pitkin – I haven’t lost yet
Cal – OOOoooooo
Pitkin – proceeds to lose twice in a row as Cal laughs his ass off
Parth vs Cal
Parth – dicks him at 20+1 to secure the W


Fresher Ollie – Sash wants to start megamix
Jabzy – tell him to fucking wait I need a piss
Jabzy – runs for a piss
On return – Parth has started megamix
Parth – kicked out of middle
Jabzy – now relieved from the piss
Angels – sung in the right order?
Jerusalem – ending in a carnage barmy army

Joe – staple sending Jabzy in a VK race
When will – Jabzy learn
MT – wandering around without his glasses again
POP – a real blur
CalGal – ripping Jabzy’s shirt off with ease
Jabzy – left ashamed and humiliated
CalGal – also deciding to piss in a VK bottle and gives it to a stranger
Stranger – sips it
Stranger – “It’s quite flat”
CalGal – so so so proud
Imagine – sipping some of his dirty piss
Essex – stealing a total of 10 xmas hats
Dancefloor – rammed but front left secured
Parth – also stealing hats and passing them off to Jabzy
Teamwork – makes the dream work

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