Day 1 – Saturday (The Flight)
7:02am – Randall, Millman and Rhino sprint through the entrance of the South Terminal to greet the tour party
Roche – standing there with his phone out
Itinerary? – nope
Late List – the first of many
Louie – deciding that now would be a good time to get some currency for tour
Exchange Rates – worse than Merriman’s pint speed if he was on ketamine
St Patricks Day – dictating that the late fine would be a pint of Guinness with breakfast
Dan Lewis – breaking his tradition of being late to things and turning up 2 hours early
Lewis – only on time for the important things
Fresh – all very overexcited and having to be calmed
Ballo – getting everyone else overexcited via the proposition of a Nandos breakfast
Ballo – providing nothing but fake news as Nandos was to be located in the North Terminal
UWMCC – Flying from the South Terminal
Ballo – “well I’m sorry but if I had a final itinerary for tour I would have been able to plan breakfast better”
Dirty Looks – fired at Jeremy Roche who just looks lost
Lads – checking in
Virgins – flying with Virgin
Ridge – not on the same flight as anyone else, a sign?
Virgin – confirmed as the bloke realises that he can actually read
Rhino – “my bag is 14.1kg”
Fox – “how did you measure that”
Rhino – “the conventional way… scales”
Security – standard brown checks with many clubmen subjected to a good fondle
Consent – any?
Spoons – the alternative breakfast option with many pints of Guinness ordered
Lady – trying to sell the boys St. Patricks Day hats for £5 each
Randall – haggling but finding the Latvian language barrier a struggle, so much so that after having ordered an eggs benedict, he receives asparagus on toast
Mez – complaining that the only reason that he was late was because of his mum doing 45mph on the M25
The Mother Express – genetically slow
Aragog – doing his Guinness on Facebook Live
Lads – checking who they will be sitting next to on the flight
Seats – no letter I present as it is commonly mistaken for the number 1
Rav – “maybe there is no I because it stands for aisle”
Lady – approaching the boys asking for a photo of the group as her son plays for Essex under 13’s
Reason – rogue
Rav – sensing an opportunity and asking her to send him the pictures on his phone
Lads – thinking Rav’s request is rogue but not knowing that Rav has just completed his Fresher challenge of getting someone’s number at the airport
Rav – Smooooooth
Timmo – spotting a shop named ‘skinny dip’ and attempts to complete his tour challenge of ‘skinny dipping’ wearing nothing but a tour tie
Timmo’s attempt – rejected although commended
Boys – readying themselves for the stiff drinking challenge ahead of them
Roommates – pairs for the challenges that lay ahead, with the first one being 12 drinks on the 9 hour flight out to Barbados
Tasty – still in shellshock from last year’s effort
Fresh – pleading that double spirits count as 2 drinks
The Ghost of Henry Bexson – blessing the boys with the words still echoing in the air
Ghost of Bex – “ONE” and so it was
Air Hostess – coming over to the lads and asking for “Tony”
Choppy – rising and claiming to be known as Tony
Tony Lawson – somehow has a distant relation to the Air Hostess as a friends mums friends sisters friends brothers chop
Hostess – offering Chopps some complimentary bubbly pre-fight which is duly accepted
Choppy – 1 drink down already
Lads – raring to catch up
Randall – checking the whereabouts of Merriman to avoid a repeat of last year’s hate crimes
Cabin – quickly running out of Gin & Tonic as UWMCC prove their middle class posh boy status
Louie – pre downloading some episodes of Narcos to watch on the flight
Tasty – “Hey Lou, which episode you watching?”
Louie – “S2 E6”
Tasty – “ooo is that the one where the bomb goes off at the wedding?”
Louie’s Episode – spoilt
Lads – slowly getting more and more sent as they continue to drink the bar dry
Air Hostesses – repeatedly telling the boys to shut up as they are disturbing many other passengers
Prime Suspect – Tasty as he is attempting to do all 12 drinks by himself
Tasty – genuinely looking like he was on acid as he flows through the cabin
Random Bloke – appearing from the back of the cabin and somehow is considerably more sent than most of UWMCC put together
Bloke – escorted back by cabin crew
6 groups – completing their challenge with some members considerably more sent than others
Baggage reclaim – farcical as the lads quickly conclude that speed is the last thing on the Bajan workforce’s minds
Riley – “the most exciting part of a trip is seeing whos luggage will arrive first”
Riley – have you ever seen Jayaram shit himself?
Tasty – “OI THAT’S MY BAG”
Random Couple – startled by the huge overbearing drunk bloke
Bag – not Tasty’s as Lewis apologises on his behalf
Ridge – “First thoughts of South Africa are that it’s pretty hot”
South Africa – indeed hot
Hotel – gun with many lads jumping straight into the pool
Randall – still writing Mupdates from the last Wednesday
Sander – quickly becoming unpolular as he hits various other holiday makers with the ball
NJono – smoking a cigar by the pool and looking more like a car crash rather than the cartel
Some – sampling the shops across the road
Fresh – deciding to get straight on the sesh and gabling with some 2l bottles of rum punch
Rum Punch – later discovered to be all the dregs of rum mixed together with some ropey fruit punch, resulting in a 45% petrol like liquid that has the capacity to send anyone who touches it
Fresh – attempting a mini circle yet getting sent so quickly that they had to go out ASAP
Rum – punching the fresh
The rest – utilising the happy hour at the hotel bar with some class live music
Musician – quality acoustics with some class guitar solos
Turner – looking up and asking where the bloke has gone as all the lads hear the music but can no longer see him
Randall – turning around to find the bloke jamming away behind him, then walking across the road to talk to his mates while still playing
Experience – bizarre
Fresh – meeting up with some of the air-hostesses from the flight at ‘Sharkeys’ bar
Sharkeys – essentially Reggae Pop
Sharkeys DJ – Disco Dave’s Bajan cousin, with dreadlocks instead of the wig
Owen – branding them as ‘fucking boring’ and willing to do anything to get away
Fresh – in an absolute state
Sash – trying to be responsible and heading up to Lewis
Sesh Abbasi – “I think it’s time for Rav to go home”
Lewis – confused as while Rav is pretty sent, Sash is in a world of trouble
Party – migrating to the Jamm Inn
The Jamm Inn – essentially reggae smack
Owen – spotting a group of white girls and sliding in for the chirpse
Group of white girls – actually Bajan nationals
Rav – cant comprehend the existence of white Bajans
Girls – “our families are some of the oldest on the island”
Owen – “so… your families were slave owners?”
Girls – not impressed to say the least
NJono – finding Sesh in the toilets in an odd position
Sesh – seemingly playing with his bollocks whilst having a shit
Krish – the most fucked of them all
Krish Seshdeva – going full Dan Lewis on the group and becoming rogue and unbearable before being found naked and Gollum-like, passed out in his en-suite
Choppy – being woken up by a drunken Aragog stumbling into the room
Aragog – attempting to find his toothbrush in his washbag for more than half an hour before calling it a night and giving up

Dick of the Day (Riley) – after padlocking his suitcase for the flight, Harry realises that he has forgotten the key to unlock it at the airport
Roche – brandishing the dick of the day dress which is actually just a curtain with a hole in it as Riley attempts to wear it for the rest of the evening

Day 2 – Sunday (Fresh Factor)
8:30 – meet time for breakfast before the net session organised at a local ground
Breakfast – not continental as suggested as many men tuck into a full English complete with plantain
Order system – practically non-existent as you would just get a random assortment of breakfast items regardless of what you ordered
Roche – refusing to publish the final itinerary despite having it in his possession
Many – greeting the more hungover fresh with gusto as the bus turns up to take the lads
Bus – evidently not big enough for players and kit as many quickly place the blame with Jeremy as just try to get on with their lives
30 mins later – a separate kit bus turns up and the lads can finally set off
Louie – giving the lads a massive lecture about being careful with the sun and also coming out with some absolute corkers
Louie – “a good way of keeping your energy levels up is eating bananas, and there is no excuse for not having any as they make them out here”
Lads – sniggering as Louie continues with his pre-game assumptions about the Barbados pitches
Lou – “the economy is fucked out here, and they are poor as fuck so don’t expect the pitches to be quick and bouncy, they will be slow and low and turn miles”
Assassination of Barbados’ economy – completed
Netting – can begin
Grass nets – living up to Louie’s predictions, being fast and bouncy
Merriman – nearly being thrown off his feet as he catches an under-arm throw from Curtis
Outfield – genuinely dangerous in parts
Tasty – continuing his tour netting tradition of being hit by the ball while batting
Tasty’s Bollocks – slightly worse off
Day – counting as a rogue cricket day as Lewis wacks out the fines book on the way back
Tasty – nominating Ed Fox for an awful display of batting in the nets
The Fox – coming out all guns blazing, “err who scored more runs is South Africa mate?”
Atmosphere – electric
Aragog & The Fox – becoming swift fines favourites as they just do stupid shit
Lunch – some sampling the beach food/bar across the road named ‘Daddys’ while others stick to what they know with the hotel bar
Pepper Sauce Challenge – completed by a few pairs with Rhino and Aneesh opting for a much hotter pepper sauce than the others and instantly regretting it
Beach – yes please
Wobbybob Ball – I don’t know what its fucking called but its class for water stuff
Catch in the sea – a simple yet effective game
Choppy – sticking out a hand and taking an absolute worldy
Choppy – in utter disbelief can only muster 4 words
“I am ze crab”
Ze Crab – born
Choppy – deciding that he can run back across the road to the hotel and grab the kwick cricket bat to play some beach cricket
Choppy – returns and sets up, quickly reminding all the fresh that he has indeed scored a double on once upon a time
Ridge – bowls a floaty half volley
Choppy – winds up and plays an almighty hack across the line, completely missing the ball and letting go of the bat
Lads – watching as time slows down and the bat flies 20 yards through the air and impales a woman sunbathing
Choppy – running away and diving into the safety of the sea and trying to hide by keeping underwater for as long as possible
Quick Escape – on as the lads all run away and decide to complete the batting sweepstake back at the hotel
Turner – carefully formulating the handicaps on each of the batsmen
The issue – most of the batsmen are just handicapped
Ridge – relishing that, with the aid of his +90 handicap, he was currently the joint top run-scorer on tour
Mez – somehow disappointed that he had only been given a 90
Entertainment for the evening – Fresh Factor
Judges – selected
Tembey – Simon
Louie – Nicole
Choppy – Louie
Roche – Cheryl (any of an accent?)
Freshers – nervous with many downloading the backing tracks to their song and getting in some last minute lyric revision
Jono Ford – starting things off with a heartfelt rendition of “I wanna know what love is”
Olly Warwick – following up with an in tune “Piano Man”
Krishan – attempting to pull on the heartstrings of the judges with “someone like you” but failing miserably to hit the high notes
Rav – true to form, getting the crowd going with the classic “don’t look back in anger”
Ridge – absolutely slaughtering “she will be loved” after a humorous sob story about Owen stealing his GF
Aragog – attempting to bring some rap in but failing to distinguish between the roles of Eminem and Rhianna in “love the way you lie”
Sash – picking out a fans favourite with “Allstar”
Owen – the favourite absolutely smashing “since you’ve been gone” with no backing track and taking the title of fresh factor 2018
Dick of the Day – also completed on the beach and while there were some valid nominations, Choppy won all of the votes with his beach cricket fiasco
Pooie – also nominated for burning to fuck despite lecturing the whole tour party about the importance of suncream

Day 3 – Monday (Smash Abbasi)
Breakfast – more like breakfarce as the lottery continues
Ballo – ordering fried eggs, bacon, sausages and beans
Ballo – receiving mushrooms, brown toast, scrambled eggs and plantain
Bus – yet again late
Aragog – somehow still eating breakfast after the bus arrives
Turner – researching the law in Barbados on sun-tanning topless after rumours that it was illegal to whip your darb out
Law – in favour of the darb
Darbados – back on as the lads pile out of the bus at the Wanderers ground and immediately set to work on burning the shit out of themselves
Choppy – instantly regretting his jean shorts selection as his bum sweats become very obvious
Randall – going out for the toss as captain of the Fresh XI and potentially being kimmed at the toss
Randall – as the only one with the coin, flips and the opposing captain calls ‘Quarter’ while the coin was in the air
Quarter – potentially not a side of the Bajan dollar coin as Randall is happy to accept a bat first anyway
Turner – offering to score early doors and immediately getting hit by the danger chairs infamous Bajan cousin
Bajer Chair – doesn’t care who it deceives
Pitch – fast and bouncy with some nippy openers that could certainly get the ball up
Sash – cutting loose and cracking a ton on his UWMCC debut
NJono – also impressing (nobody) by ticking over a dull 15 off 1756382 balls
Twitter – actually breaking as it starts counting his score backwards
Krish – also twatting a quick-fire half century
Aragog – clearly on some sort of drug as he gets down on one knee first ball and goes all AB and hits a 6 off his first ball for UWMCC
The only way – is down now as the fresh rack up an impressive 233-3 off their 40
233 – could have been 433 if Jono had gotten on with it
Lunch – class with Jerk Chicken with Rice and beans
Louie – finding out that Barbados actually caters for veggies worse than South Africa, as he is offered a nice plate of salad and rice for lunch
Many lads – racking up fines for eating before the players
UWMCC – taking the field and quickly realising that they could have scored 533 and they would not have won
Brathwaite – West Indian u19 and potentially related to Carlos, bringing up his 50 off 12 balls taking a particular liking to Curtis and Randall
Ede – running up and floating a juicy half volley which gets dispatched way into Jamaica
Ede – “I can’t believe he hit me for 6”
Most others – could
Ridge – inducing a leading edge from one of the batsmen with only 1 to win as Rav drops an absolute dolly
Ridge – sent into an instant depression, wondering what he had done to deserve this disservice
Choppy – “do you reckon Mezza pipes birds with his head at an angle?”
Fines – harsh with Sash maxing out despite his ton
The Fox – fined for wearing a Jack Wills t-shirt with a GB flag on it and confusing his nationality and initials
Tourists – no longer scared for the assassin that is Ed Fox with Seb Sander on tour
Sander – rifle skills far surpass that of the Fox
Sadly – his sunglasses did not, fine
DOTD (Jono Ford) – for blocking the shit out of it on an absolute road and having a strike rate slower than a Sean Merriman quick single
Rav – also nominated for dropping the catch
The pair – splitting the vote and having to settle the DOTD via a doggy paddle race in the pool
Rav – rapid
Jono – losing

Day 4 – Tuesday (I am not retarded)
Meet time – set at 8:55
Rhino – tasked with writing the ‘late list’
Usual suspects – being caught out as per
Aragog – yet again eating his breakfast as the bus shows up
Gun XI – a poorly named team ready for yet another battering
Drive – about as far as we went on tour, with The Lodge School being our hosts for the day
The Lodge School – literally school kids up to the age of 16/17
Girls PE class – finishing as the bus arrives
14 year old girls – piling back into the changing rooms before their next lesson
Roche – sensing an opportunity, makes a bee line for the girls changing room
Picture this – tall, beardy, darby Jeremy Poach lingering in amongst a crowd of 14 year old Bajan girls
Dodgy – as fuck
Louie – winning the toss and opting for a bowl
Roche – starting proceedings with 12 wides in 2 overs
Merriman – attempting to complete one of the tour challenges ‘drink a bottle of rum between your pair on a cricket day’
Merruman – apprehended by the cricket coach of the oppo, “these are school grounds, you can’t drink here!?!”
Mez – despondent and as he takes a look at how much rum him and Ede had taken for their first measure is quoted “well we’ve come too far now”
Mez & JEde – completing their challenge anyway
Choppy & Tasty – darbing out early doors and yet again many questions were asked as two 20 year old lads start getting half naked at a secondary school
Owen – stacking it down the stairs and prompting Aragog giving Mez odds on salmon diving down the stairs
Merriman – refusing odds despite becoming gradually more sent
Louie – becoming ever more frustrated at the 16 year old opening bat who literally played and missed at about 40 balls
Lou – “I remember Roche told us that we were doing a charity coaching day on tour, didn’t realise it was for you mate”
Millman – not afraid to get stuck into minors
Randall – “you been smoking some of that green mate” prompting a reaction from the lad who duly snicks off a few balls later
Rhino – fielding the ball with his face and sneaking off
Timmo – dropping two identical catches in the space of two balls
Rhino – sad
Timmo – heckled by the 100+ crowd of school kids out for lunch
Batsman – sensing Timmo’s weakness, skipping down the track and picking out Timmo again
Rhino – turning to see Tim Ohmaaaan under it
Timmo – clinging on and giving it large to the school kids
The Lodge School – bowled out and as UWMCC make their way off the pitch, a 12th man heads out to bat
Lads – perplexed as they count out the wickets and keep reaching 10
12th man – the oppo skipper so something has clearly gone wrong
Revealed – the real oppo 12th man got a bit excited and ran out to bat at number 8 and lasted one ball, kimming the actual skipper
Lunch – farcical as UWMCC are informed that there isn’t enough to feed the 25 strong tour party despite random kids walking in and eating lunch
Tour Guide – already creating quite a bad impression on the group having regularly done jack shit to sort out anything that has gone wrong
Tour Guide – suggesting that the lads all have a little bit less to try and create some more food for the rest of the party, all whilst tucking into her second plate of lunch
Tour Guide – “haha maybe you should prank Josh because it’s his fault”
A – who the fuck is Josh
B – it’s your fucking fault you stupid bint
C – she thinks Jezza’s name is Josh
Merriman – looking like a starving African child longingly eyeing up her leftovers
Tasty, Sander, Fox and Aneesh – all eating before all the players again and not learning the simple cricket etiquette
Louie – yet again catered for well as the tea lady simply moves his chicken off his plate to leave rice and veg
Chicken Gravy – slightly harder to move from the rice as Lou settles for just salad
UWMCC – heading out to bat, confident after yesterday’s showing
Confidence – misplaced
Louie – getting hit on the thigh from the quick opener and gritting his teeth
Next Ball – Lou inside edges a ball into his box and completely winds himself
Crowd – having a chuckle but Randall wanders up to his partner to check he is ok
Lou – in a world of trouble but getting up and gets ready to see out the over and get to drinks
Next Ball – Opening bowler fires in a Yorker which Lou can only jam onto his foot
Randall – no sympathy left as Louie runs away to square leg to try and hide from the absolute battering he was receiving
UWMCC – not really getting close to the target thanks to a middle order collapse similar to that of a danger chair
Fines – incredibly harsh today as Dan Lewis decides that scoring no runs warrants much pain and financial suffering of others
Rhino – fined for being a witch just to get up to 5
The Fox – on max fines despite not having played a game yet
Sander – fined for breaking his bad sunnies and then purchasing an even worse pair
DOTD (Jeremy Poach) – also completed on the bus as Poach picks up the curtain for being a dodgy geezer and trying to get into the girls changing rooms
Lads – getting back to the hotel and making use of the pool and 3 for $10 on banks beers
Some beers – quickly escalate into a few more beers and the tour party quickly finding themselves on an impromptu night out
Choppy – hears some reggae music down a side street and gambles to find a sick mini-bar with a seemingly never ending happy hour
Ideal spot for pres – found
Many – ordering rum & cokes or the house special ‘Justin’ which was essentially rum punch
Randall – ordering 2 Justins
Bar man – called Justin and asking Randall if he wanted them with a ‘kick’
Randall – ‘whats a kick’
Justin – “hahahahaha more rum”
Randall – accepting the extra shot of rum in each drink to take it up to roughly 90% rum mix
Tasty & Olly – ordering rum and cokes and literally wondering why they call it a rum and coke as the bloke fills up the glass with rum and then puts a shot of coke in seemingly as an after thought
Randall – brandishing some dice from his wallet and starting a game of one die around the table
One Die – quickly escalating into a mini rum circle and absolutely sending everyone
Retired Tourists – can’t comprehend the number of drinks being downed by the UWMCC
Ridge – wandering off to the toilet and returns to Rhino just wacking his drinks
Ridge – gutted but given odds to go and steal Dan Lewis’ drinks and losing
Lewis – looking away for but a second as Wack Ridge swoops in and steals his drinks
Lewis – miffed but just goes up and orders 4 more for himself
Happy Hour – despite being extended for another hour, having to end eventually as the excuse “I was in the line for ages” no longer cut it
The Jamm Inn – the next destination as Sharkeys was closed on Tuesdays
Boys – descending on the dance floor and having the time of their lives
Tasty – “all the white girls have so many black guys around them”
Ballo – “the black guys should know their place”
Dan Lewis – on que, decided to attempt the dirty dancing move with Choppy
Tasty – “Choppy is much more dense than he looks, this is bound to go wrong”
Choppy – running full speed at Dan
Dan – forgetting to pick Choppy up
The Pair – crash into each other and send one another flying
Tasty – heading to the toilets and for some ungodly reason challenging a black man to a windmill off
Black Man – whipping out his cock which literally resembled a cricket bat and puts Tasty to shame
Dan Lewis – ordering yet more drinks at the bar
Rum and Coke – the president’s choice
Barman – adding the rum before turning round to fetch a bottle of coke to top up the drinks
Lewis – “Where is the mixer? I AM NOT AN ANIMAL” as he sends a 10 barb note at the bloke and sending his drink
Lewis – indeed an animal as he finds a wet floor sign and picks it up with a cheeky look on his face
Boys – having a worldie of a time at reggae smack
Lewis – appearing like a crazed WWE wrestler brandishing the wet floor sign much like a steel chair
Tasty – the target as DL takes a run up and proceeds to clatter Tasty with the sign to the face, sending him flying
Lewis – retreats to the safety of the bar
Ridge – finding Lewis and engaging in a samba style dance
What happened next? – nobody knows but it ended up with Ridge being sent into the speakers of the club
Many lads – taking this as que to leave, with some sensing the opportunity to complete the ‘skinny dip’ tour challenge in the sea
Lewis – deciding to stay on as he slow daggers a 50 year old woman to within an inch of her life
The rest – deciding to call time on Dan’s night as 4 men attempt to carry him out of the club
Lewis – refusing to leave and becomes an absolute nightmare
Tasty – reckoning he can stop him as he goes up to apprehend the man
Lewis – steps Tasty much like that of fellow native Shane Williams
Lewis – then proceeding to stack it in the middle of the road and cut his face open and chunder everywhere
Dan Spewis – put to bed… for now
Krishan – deciding that he wanted some cheesy chips on the way home and approaches a random bloke near Daddys
Krish – “do you do cheesy chips mate” despite Daddys clearly being closed
Bloke – “yeah mate, $10 US dollars”
Krish – handing over the equivalent of £8.40 for some cheesy chips
The bloke – just walks off having mugged Krish right off, clearly not an employee of Daddys
Skinny Dipping crew – Randall, Timmo, Tasty, Ridge, Warwick
The group – almost being killed by a tsunami sized wave
Randall – convinced that a floating buoy in the sea is a shark
Lads – running back and having to be let into the hotel by security who oddly don’t question the arrival of 6 naked drunk blokes at the hotel
The night – seemingly over until Rhino and Aneesh resurface having attempted to purchase some weed on the street and getting scared and running away
Tasty – taking a shower post skinny-dip in the sea
Rhino – arriving at Tasty’s front door, demanding entry
Tim – opening the door to discover the party of Rhino, Aneesh and Owen
Tasty – upon hearing the commotion, arriving at the front door stark bollock naked
Rhino – one upping himself since school days, this time grabbing both Tasty’s shaft and cupping the bollocks
Life lesson – never neglect the balls
Rhino – “Tasty, you wanna come and get some weed with us, you can be the muscle”
Tasty – stupidly agreeing
Owen – also playing the role of muscle… just a little less muscle
The fateful four – strolling out of the hotel, attempting to find drugs
Random Bajan local – approaching the quartet
Local – “im not retarded”
Owen – looking incredibly confused at this opening line
Four – eventually realising that this guy was indeed a dealer
Dealer – “give me the money”
Tasty – “We wanna see the product first”
These words – turning out to be a massive mistake
Dealer – Once again informing the group that he was indeed “not retarded”
Tasty – “whoever is calling him retarded, please stop he’s getting aggy”
No-one – actually calling him retarded
Dealer – obviously using his own product
Dealer – leading the group into what can only be described as a favela
Dealer – “I am known around here as the Jolly Roger… I have done this for 33 years… I have many foot-soldiers that report to me”
Quartet – assuming that this guy is the big-time dealer of Barbados
Random young bloke – walking past the Jolly Roger and barking orders at him
Jolly Roger – “that is my commander”
Quartet – realising that this bloke was somehow still at the bottom of the food chain
Favela – seemingly endless
Jolly Roger – banging on a random door… “hey cousin”
No response
Banging – again… “hey cousin”
Cousins – appearing in mass, with 4 people emerging with noticeable gun shaped bulges around their waists
The fateful four – becoming the fearing four
House – eventually reached
Jolly Roger – “you sit there”, pointing at a random log
All four – desperately trying to fit on a single log, scared of the consequences
Old bloke – appearing out of nowhere
Aneesh – confident that with an old person present, death was less of a possibility
Jolly Rodger – emerging from the house with weed
Group – realising that they had no way of actually constructing the joint
Tasty – embarrassingly asking the dealer if he could roll the joint for them
More gang members – suddenly emerging from nowhere, apparently blocking all of the exits
All four – simultaneously deciding that the best solution to this would be to befriend the jolly roger, reducing the chance that he’d kill a friend
Owen – uncovering that he was born on the 1st November and was alternatively known as “the Scorpion King”
Aneesh – uncovering his love for Liverpool
Rhino – finding out that he was somehow bought up in both Westminster and Washington
Tasty – discovering that the entire Favela was essentially his cousins
Drugs – eventually handed over
Jolly – “I’m not retarded!!”
Tasty – “seriously guys someone stop saying that to him”
Rhino and Tasty – retreating alone back through the favela, managing to avoid death
Aneesh and Owen – rewarded for their bravery, being given an extra joint
Damage – 60 $US
Reward – 3 joints
Ripped off? – most definitely
Quartet – alive and promising to never buy drugs again

Day 5 – Wednesday (ARAGOG)
Meet time – set ridiculously early considering last night’s events
Ridge – “why did I wake up with soaking wet boxers?”
Roche – “I pushed you in the pool when we got back… did you just go to bed in them?”
Ridge – “I must have, I literally thought I’d wet myself”
Randall & Choppy – getting tired of Roche’s lack of organisational skills and enquiring about a taxi service for the evening with some local rastas outside of the hotel
Secret Motive – to complete the ‘get a photo with a rasta man’ tour challenge
Lads – agreeing a verbal contract with the blokes as $10 barb each for the return journey seemed like a good deal
Dan Lewis – emerging in time to make the bus
Lewis – “I can still feel the rum flowing through my veins” as he has to move much closer to the window seat mid bus journey
Chat – where would the worst place for Dan to throw up on the journey
UK Embassy to Barbados – probably the worst
Lads – arriving at the Kensington Oval for the North v South game
North supporters – only Jez and NJono
Boys – reaching the ticket gate before Roche turns around and states that he does not have, nor know about, the whereabouts of our tickets
Maurice – the head of press for cricket in Barbados to the rescue and saving Roachey’s blushes
Camp – set up right next to the North team’s dressing room
Heckling – already starting up as UWMCC genuinely are accounting for half the attendance at the Oval
Collingwood – a particular target
Burnt lads – moving across one seat at a time in order to stay out of the sun
Others – deciding that with the whole stadium to choose from, they would go upstairs to the best seats
Cricket – perhaps one consecutive day in a row too many as some venture into Bridgetown for some lunch
Chefette – the destination of choice as the local fast food chain
Others – persisting with battering the North dressing room with abuse
Ridge – finally getting a response from Collingwood
Collingwood – “what do you want mate”
Ridge – “do you have the wifi password?”
Collingwood – “fuck off fella”
Timmo – doing the lads a massive service and guessing the WiFi password on his second go
NorthSouth – not very secure from the ECB as the boys all hop on and slow it down to fuck
Collingwood – tinder bandwith very much restricted
Randall & Rhino – being interviewed by a local news station
Question – “coming from the UK, have you played with any of the players on show today?”
Rhino – “you’ve played with Ollie Pope haven’t you?”
Randall – “no?”
Silence – deafeningly awkward
Interview – concluded
Rhino’s Reviews – won’t be making a comeback
Lads – leaving the ground and asking Maurice to take a pic of the group outside the Oval
Maurice – having a fucking mare with the camera
Lads – heading back after a surprise North victory to get ready for the much anticipated Harbour Lights night out
DOTD – unsurprisingly Dan Lewis after last night’s antics despite Krish running him close for handing $10 US to a random bloke
Roche – emerging having organised taxis through the hotel as almost double the cost that Randall and Choppy had negotiated earlier
Roche – content with his work, going to bed and not waking up until the taxis were at the hotel
Tour party – waiting on Roche for 5 mins before setting off
Rastas – seeing the tour party leaving going mental and starting the hunt for Randall and Choppy
Harbour Lights – opening at 9:30
Lads – rocking up at 9
Door Staff – allowing UWMCC to use the free top bar while the family beach show concluded
Lads – piling in and going ham on the free bar
Essex CC – turning up and also using the free bar
Randall – “I bet by the end of the night we have an absolute fan boy”
Family Show – pretty impressive with some drunk couples clearly overindulged in the sesh, twerking on each other in front of little kids
UWMCC – watching the clock tick 9:30 before running down and bagging a table big enough to have a circle on
News – filtering through that England were 26-8
Boys – wacking in sorrow
Games – 20+1, ICICN, 1FF, Never have I ever and cricket
Randall – deciding to offer a gamble despite the absence of a gamble pot
Gamble (Sash) – The Fresher Rum minute Challenge
Fresh – despondent
Target – 18 ‘double’ rum and cokes between 8 fresh
Rum – certainly stronger than purple
Fresh – RIP
Owen – spotting some chirpses from the previous night and heading over, taking Choppy and Rav with him
Roche – eyeing yet another opportunity to fuck things up and heads over
Chirpse – quickly curtailed
Louie – in a world of trouble having gone hard very early
Lou – head in hands, chunning on the sand before being quickly taken to the toilets by Aragog
Randall and Tasty – covering the chun with sand
NJono – also in a world
Rav – spotting Matt Coles and instantly latching on to him for the rest of the evening
Matt Coles – finally being able to shake Rav who heads straight up to Mez
Rav – “Guess who I just met at the bar?!”
Mez – not that impressed
Rav – trying his luck with Owen
Rav – “guess who I met at the b…”
Tasty – interjecting, “let me guess is the answer to whatever your question is: Matt Coles”
Rav – “yes”
Matt Coles Chat – banned
Rav – “I also met the Essex Physio!!”
Lads – in bits
Louie – returns to exactly the same space that he originally chundered in and chunders again
All Hope – lost
Owen – also succumbing to the sesh as the lads play buckaroo with cups on his head
Mez and Ede – managing to balance 4 cups on his head
Chopps – finding some random blokes and introducing them to half of the club
UWMCC – assuming that, by coincidence, Chopps knows the lads from home
Chopps – absolutely no idea who they were as he leaves them chatting to Tasty for half an hour
Mess – confirmed
Taxi’s – showing up as Roche attempts to herd up the lads
Warwick, Rhino and Randall – refusing to go, making full use of the free bar
Roche – getting angry with empty threats of going without them
Lads – finally rounded up and put into cabs
Megamix – starting up with the Bajan taxi drivers joining in
Skinny Dip Round 2 – on the cards
Riley, Ridge, Tasty, Timmo, Randall, Aneesh, Sander, Choppy and Lewis – all going
Choppy – realising that he had forgotten his towel and making Dan wait, promising to kill his whole family if he didn’t
Choppy – runs upstairs
Lewis – waiting for 15 mins before realising that Choppy probably isn’t coming back but is too scared to lose his whole family so waiting anyway
Louie – passing out in his bed
Aragog – sensing his opportunity to complete his fresh tour challenge ‘shave Louie Millman’ and runs to his room to collect the shaver
Skinny dippers – returning and after hearing the news, all pile into Louie’s room
Rhino & Tasty – deciding to redecorate Louie’s room
Tasty – carefully selecting a beautiful variety of leaves and shaping them into a uniform line to place on his bed
Rhino – picking up a handful of rocks and dirt and just chucking them on his bed
Louie – waking up and goes to the toilet in a daze
Lads – realizing that they don’t want Louie to realize their presence all hiding around the room
Timmo – behind the curtain
Olly – down the side of the bed
Rhino – under the mattress
Randall – under the table
Tasty – wrapping his legs around a cricket bag and becoming… a cricket bag
Krish – pretending to be asleep
Aragog – genuinely falling asleep
Louie – comes back in and somehow not seeing anything untoward and getting back into bed
Randall – popping his head out to see Louie still not having noticed Rhino under his mattress and Tasty behind a bag and completely loses it
Millman – wakes up and suddenly realises that most of UWMCC were hiding in plain sight in his room
Krish – telling Louie to run
Louie – running to a safe place
Safe Place – Merriman and Ede’s room
Boys – angry at Krish and doggy piling him on his bed
Choppy – fuming as he runs up and somehow manages to completely clear the pile, jumping and sending himself into the dresser
Chopps – runs downstairs trying to cover up his pain but due to his undiscernible hobble shouting “I am Quasimodo” as he runs around the hotel evading capture
Choppymodo – eventually caught by D Lewis as he puts choppy to bed on the nearest thing he can find
Bed – a sunbed by the pool
Choppymodo – demanding that Dan holds his hand while he falls asleep by the pool
The pursuit of Louie – a group of lads running after him but losing him on the stairs
Rhino, Aneesh, Aragog and Krish – seeing an open door and gambling that that’s where Louie has gone
The group – running through with the shaver humming, completely neglecting the fact that it could be a random elderly couples room who just left the door open
Fortunately – room selection was correct
Sash – wanting to join in the fun and running upstairs however hearing Choppy shouting
Sash – thinks nothing of it until he hears an unknown voice shouting back
Sashlock Abbasi – investigating to find Chopps banging on the door of a random room with a concerned holiday maker looking out of the bathroom window
Room – most certainly not Aragogs
Bloke – absolutely petrified “im calling security please go away”
Sash – running in and trying to remove Choppy from the scene
The Pair – running away as a security guard runs by them on the way to the scene
Sash – places Choppy back in his room before attempting to eavesdrop on the convo, hoping to find out if UWMCC would get in trouble
Sash – hears some little footsteps running back up to the scene of the crime as Choppy starts shouting “WHERE IS MY PHONE”
Sash – apprehending Choppy before he gets arrested
Aneesh – returning to his room to find Jono Ford completely passed out on the bathroom floor in a pile of his own chunder and a massive colony of ants attempting to pick him up and take him back to their nest
Aneesh – has little sympathy as he widens his stance and pisses over Jono into the toilet
Ridge – appearing and somehow losing odds to get into his boxers and spoon him
Meanwhile – Aragog and Krish are on an absolute mission to shave Louie’s chest as they try and coax him into a good position to shave
Timmo – taking his shaver back, leaving Aragog with only a razor and shaving foam to complete his task
Shaving foam – practically engulfing Louie’s almost lifeless corpse as Sweeney AraTodd sets to work, managing to shave a bit of Louie and cut himself in the process
Ede & Mez – somehow sleeping through the whole ordeal
The Rest of the Hotel – most certainly not sleeping through any of it
Rav – jumping into bed with Sash at 7am and talking about Matt Coles

Day 6 – Thursday (The Woman who brings bad news)
Security – having a chat with the lads after a complaint was made about last night’s antics
Boys – very apologetic
Security guy – “also we have had complaints of lads being in the pool naked after hours”
Roche – denying UWMCC’s involvement in that one
Tasty, Randall and Timmo – quickly remembering that the skinny dipping was not restricted to the sea
Breakfarce – still a thing
Visions – one bloke in the kitchen having an absolute nightmare and just plating random food in order to get out
Turner – “imagine Gordon Ramsay coming into this kitchen”
Kitchen Nightmares – the least of his worries, more the bunch of guests destroying the hotel every night
Riley – “Choppy, I think those cab driver outside the hotel are looking for you”
Choppy – quickly entering incognito mode as he ditches his breakfast and runs back to his room
Twat XI – readying themselves for the game as they pile on the bus
Bus – turning up at Queens College and not The Foundation School
Umpires – turning up at The Foundation School
Some would say – A final tour itinerary would have come in handy at this point
Ground – no shade
Pitch – resembling that of Mumbai day 11 as plates of the pitch actually were coming out
Tasty, Louie and Choppy – all practically chundering as they get off the bus
Ridge – can’t believe that he has made the Twat XI
Riley – heading out to do the toss, looking very much like a preppy Plantation Owner
Riley – winning the toss and batting to save many tour members from near hangover death
Lewis – padding up and checking his blood sugar levels
Levels – should be between 4 – 8
Lewis’ Blood Sugar Level – 28
Fatality – impending
Timmo – sent out to open instead and running himself out almost immediately
UWMCC – never really recovering and being dismissed for 77
Rumours – that yet again there wasn’t enough lunch for everyone
News – fake
Although – Curtis being told that as there was no option other than fish, he could pop to the canteen for some chips by the tour guide
Curtis – “oh cool, where is the canteen? How will they know to just let me have some?”
Tour Guide – “oh no don’t be silly you’ll have to pay”
Curtis – unamused to say the least at the thought of paying extra for his dietary requirements
Rav – losing odds on to sprint a lap of the pitch
Roche – opening up and picking up where he left off in the last game, with yet more wides
Oppo – stumbling to 37-4 before cruising over the line
Turner – pouching a good’un at mid-on to give life to the flagging UWMCC
Lads – happy to get gone of the worst ground on tour
News – filtering through that the kit bus wouldn’t be coming and that we would have to fit all of the kit onto the already full bus
Roche – flummoxed
Randall – “right where is the woman that is always bringing us bad news but is fucking incapable of sorting anything out”
Many lads – trying to stop Randall’s justified outburst as the woman is directly behind him
Randall – continuing to lay into her
Heads – in hands
Compromise – reached as the UWMCC would take the kitbags and the tour guide would take Roche
Tour Guide – still thinking that Jez’s name was Josh as the lads bid a fond farewell to the duo
DOTD – Choppy for being the sole cause of the complaint received last night
Bags – falling onto Mezza on the bus ride home and nearly snapping him in half
Fresh – hitting up the beach and having a legendary game of slip cordon
Drop – meaning you have to run into the sea and cast yourself away
Ridge – certainly cast away
Aragog – flipping into the sea
Rav – posing for a fresh picture and getting swept away by a wave
Roche – not showing up for another few hours as he comes in later with the lads playing a game of ‘I am ze crab’
Sash – “I am ze shark”
An Anti-Daddys crew – forming for some reason
Evening – quiet after two big sesh days and the boatyard beach party tomorrow

Day 7 – Friday (UWMCC get banned from the sea)
Lie in – finally
Boatyard Beach Party – todays activity with a free bar from 11:30 onwards
Breakfast Lady – enquires about the name of lad in the pink shorts
Pink Shorts – Randall
Breakfast Lady – very keen
Lads – straight off the bus and onto the beach
Carib beers – class, basically free Coronas
Volleyball – sourced as the Fresh take on the 2nd/3rd years
Randall – fucking shit at Volleyball
Random Bloke – subbing in for Randall, now known as ‘Dave’
Dave – clearly sacked off his Mrs on his honeymoon for some sesh with the lads
Beach – stocked with sea trampolines, rope swings, slides and unsurprisingly plenty of rum punch
Lunch – called as a ludicrous game of odds starts up
Roche – losing odds to belly flop onto the volleyball but refusing to do it as the chances of us losing our $50 barb deposit on the beach ball was too great
Randall – compromising by designing the Boatyard Beach Race
BBR – wack a rum punch before running out to sea, swimming up to the nearest sea trampoline, belly flopping off the trampoline, swimming back to shore before running back to the lads and wacking another rum punch
Race aspect – added by giving the remaining tour party odds on joining Jez, with 7 others winning the chance to claim Boatyard Beach Glory
Heats – 2 sets of 4
BBR – much harder than originally thought, with the belly flop causing a real wave of sickness on the already seshed lads
Roche – performing admirably and utilising his seal skills well
Crab Abbasi – also a very handy competitor
Lewis – opting for beers as opposed to Rum Punch and faring well also
Merriman – unsurprisingly shit
Roche – negotiating with the bloke that we stay a couple of hours longer as the lads explore the rope swing
Owen – drop kicking Rileys rugby ball off the end of the pier
Rugby ball – spotted somewhere in Trinidad
Tasty – spotting some floating slides way off on the horizon and makes the bold decision to swim out to them
Sash and Lewis – voting to join him on his quest
The swim – taking the trio about 20 mins before they finally reach the floating slides
The trio – apprehended by the owner of the slides, quickly having a couple of slides before swimming away
Boatyard Beach Party – gun
Megamix – on the way home
Lads – not content with their dose of beach for the day, heading straight to the hotel beach for some beach cricket
Choppy – checking for any tanners in his danger zone
Danger Zone – large
So large in fact – that Jono forgot that the tide comes in and left his bag in wave range of the sea
Waves – engulfing his bag containing his laptop and phone
Electronics – fucked
Jono – heading back to the hotel
Boys – getting stuck in a pretty strong rip in the sea and quickly being dragged out of the ‘safe zone’
Lifeguard – blowing his whistle and ushering the lads back into the safe zone
Most – being able to swim out
Tim – stuck in the rip
Lifeguard – bringing all the boys in and completely neglecting the fact that Tim is still stuck in the rip
Lifeguard – “you boys are a team, if I tell you to swim back into the safe zone you help each other out”
Timmo – drowning
Lifeguard – “you don’t play with mother nature, you are banned from the sea”
Timmo – still drowning
Owen – “you mean to say… the whole sea?”
Lifeguard – “yes”
Randall – “as in 70% of the planet’s surface?”
Lifeguard – “yes”
Tim – dead
Lifeguard – clearly couldn’t swim
Boys – heading back to the hotel pool, safe in the knowledge that we can’t be banned from all bodies of water
DOTD – done at the pool after a serious game of ‘I am ze crab’
Choppy – really showing why he is the true crab
Tasty – just has crabs
Olly – hit in the nose and gets an instant nose bleed
Jono Ede – sitting precariously by the side of the pool, waiting for Merriman to get in
Mez – gets in
JEde – makes a beeline for his room, presumably for a mega wank
A genuine – Ede for speed
Sash and Randall – having a mushroom off to decide the biggest lung capacity on tour
Timmo – winning DOTD after getting UWMCC banned from more than 2/3rds of the world
Jono – nearly winning thanks to his tidal fuck up
Evening Plans – Oistins Fish Fry
Fresh – using this as a chance to complete the ‘stash night out challenge’
Stash Abbasi – born
Lads – opting to walk the 2 miles to the fish fry and regretting it, quickly on the look-out for the infamous reggae bus system that somehow ferries many Bajans around the island
Reggae Bus – sounding its horn and pulling up behind Rhino, Tasty, Lewis and Randall
Bloke – hopping out and trying to cram the boys into the already full minibus
Lads – can’t see how on earth they would fit in the bus so bottle it
Next bus – drives past with 4 people hanging out of the side of the bus
Decision – justifried fish
UWMCC – arriving at Oistins and quickly realising the size of the event as half the island seems to be present
Seats – found as the boys order a variety of fish and jerk chicken
Louie – salad
Pepper Sauce – sending Randall into a world of trouble
Food – world class
Entertainment – a very average Michael Jackson impersonator
Ballo – not amused
Rhino and Lewis – spotting Muggy Mike from Love Island in the toilets and grabbing a picture with him
Muggy Mike – probably on coke or something as he fucks straight off after his picture
Boys – actually catching a reggae bus on the way home
$2 barb – worth the genuine risk to your life? Probably
Lads – heading to bed on advice from last Barbados tour party, making sure they aren’t hungover for the Catamaran cruise tomorrow

Day 8 – Saturday (We thank you for flying with BJ airways)
Meet – early as fuck
Randall – avoiding the breakfast lady at all costs, opting only for cereal
Party – sunburnt to a crisp as the assemble for ‘one of the best days of my life’ Bexson, 2015
Louie – left behind as he has developed an ear infection overnight and needs to go to the witch doctor for some antibiotics
Tour Bus – making a random stop at another hotel to pick up a couple
Couple – instantly regretting their choice of day for the cruise
Group – signing a waver that promised sesh and turtles
Fears – nearly realised as UWMCC rock up and seem to have been grouped with a school tour party
Sander – “I hope, for their sake, that they aren’t on our cruise”
Riley – “imagine being subjected to a day of drunk Tasty as a 13 year old”
Tasty – certainly not PG
Good News – kids not on our boat
Choppy – nearly accidentally left behind and almost falls through the gap between the boat and the dock
Darbs – whipped out
Reggae tunes – blasted
Free Bar – open
Ballo – opting to go for a shit and not realising the effort required to flush the toilet
Ballo – “it was like fucking arm day, my triceps have grown by double… it took me 5 mins to shit and 10 mins to flush, I hate to think how long it would take for a big shit”
Boat – making its way to the first destination where the lads put on the snorkelling equipment and head into the water to see some turtles
Jono – is our sea ban lifted yet
24 Hours – not quite passed
UWMCC – basically pirates
Aragog – jumping in and nearly drowning as he panics
Krish – swimming over to help Aragog blow up his life jacket
Aragog – every man for himself as he uses Krish as a float, nearly drowning Krish in the process
Roche – forgetting to organise the Turtles.. any
Lads – swimming round looking at water and sand
Aragog – breathing in through his snorkel and yet again sending himself into an absolute frenzy
Kemar – the Tiami Catamaran Cruise host absolutely wetting himself and having absolutely no intention of saving Aragog
Rumours – a turtle spotted by Turner although most at this point were more occupied with not burning in the ocean
Second Boat Site – a sunken ship with many more fish to have a look at
Curtis – panicking “I JUST KICKED A FISH”
Nemo – dead
Life Jackets – giving many lads a mega wedgie as Olly nearly loses his left nut
Apple Core – used to attract slightly bigger fish picked up and thrown, hitting Ridge in the face
Ridge – always seems to be the unlucky one
Lunch – being served on the boat
Catamaran – having a huge selection of veggie options only to find Louie has not travelled with the group
Boat – going on a quick sightseeing tour before anchoring down at a private beach for clubmen to explore
Olympic Diving – commencing off the boat as many clubmen experience a serious case of over rotation and create too much of a splash
Owen – unsurprisingly bombing in
Roche & Tasty – nearly becoming beached as their approach is compromised by some rocks
Rav – diving off the boat with his sunnies on and instantly losing them in the sea
Aneesh – attempting to snorkel down and find them but with no success
Roche – losing odds on to swim back out to the beach and start fishing with some locals
Roche – setting off
Fishermen – initially trying to catch Roche as he approached them but after realising that he wasn’t a seal, allow him to fish for a bit with them
Cruise – concluding with a stop outside Simon Cowell’s holiday home
Free Bar – taking its toll on some tourists, becoming very sleepy with a mix of sesh and sun in their systems
Lads – arriving back at the hotel, many with intention of further sesh post dinner
Our Friends Place – the scene of the rum punch happy hour from the other night
Gini Wijnaldum – completing an acoustic set and coming over half way through to see if UWMCC had any requests
Choppy – “Dancing Queen by ABBA”
Gini – “I’ll play it if you sing”
Choppy – “I’ll sing it if im allowed to perform my own verse”
Deal – struck
Choppy – ushered up on stage
First verse – beautiful
Second verse – Everybody knew what was coming as UWMCC stand up and give a full rendition of Dancing Gemes to the crowd
Crowd – love it
Gini – catapulted to stardom
Lads behind our table – “do you boys know Seb Gemes”
World – small
Other Lads – all went to Bristol Uni and played football in the teams above Gemes while at uni
Choppy – in disbelief that we are talking about the same Gemes
Ballo – “what did you think of him??”
Other Lads – “he was fucking unbearable”
Gemes – confirmed
DOTD – Aragog for his absolute lack of swimming ability off the catamaran
Half the Group – heading home
10 brave lads – heading to reggae pop for further sesh
Sharkeys – having plenty of games on display
Choppy – mastering the ring on hook game
Ballo – dicking Randall at Draughts
Tasty – beating Aragog at a Chess classic
Lads – sampling ‘sharkbite’ a variation of the lethal rum punch
Boys – meeting a group of air hostesses from BA
Ballo – quickly getting to work on the most attractive of the bunch
Most Attractive – a Warwick 6
In other words – a dog
Owen – “I’m a virgin and I wouldn’t go near any of them”
Ballo – undeterred as he snags some free drinks
Tasty – “he may be the anti-chop, but the lad is a machine on tour”
Randall – attracting some serious unwanted attention from the one gay lad among the group of air hostesses
Owen – to the rescue, “mate do you not know who we are?”
Gay lad – “no sorry, who?”
Owen – “mate we are England u21’s cricket team”
Owen – completing yet another tour challenge as the pair chat the lad away from them
Ballo – seen leaving with the girl as the other boys wave him off like proud parents
Gay lad – attempting to be the biggest cock block ever
Ballo – prevailing, snagging a BJ and a complementary glass of bubbly for his troubles
BA hostess – more like BJ hostess, with there being absolutely no possible scenario where she wasn’t leaving without a cock in her mouth
Chop – bottled for good reason, the girl had clearly clocked up some air miles
And by air miles – I mean dick
Ballo – staying at the Hilton with all round better bed, WiFi, breakfast and shower
Others – making their way back home, safe in the knowledge that they had more cricket tomorrow

Day 9 – Sunday (The Merriman, the myth, the Legend)
Tasty – “Some cunt has stolen all of my stash and we are not leaving until they own up”
UWMCC – perplexed at Tasty’s sudden breakfast outburst
Nobody – owning up
Ballo – catching a reggae bus to the top of ST. Lawrence gap and running down to make the meet time
Breakfast lady – stepping up her pursuit of Randall as he is the only one to receive table service out of the whole group
Bus – still not here
Woman who brings bad news – just has no news anymore as she is officially clueless
Bus – finally rocking up
Tasty – fuming as he boards the bus stashless
Tunes – the only thing getting the hungover boys through
Unwritten – a new fan favourite
Tasty – “this school looks nice to be fair”
School – actually Barbados prison as the bus drives by
Barbados Community College – actually quite nice, although not as nice as the prison
BCC – sweet stand for spectators as a game of one hand one bounce breaks out at the top
Olly – nailing the ball and hitting the woman who brings no news
Remorse? – none
Tasty – faced with having to warm up in whites, has a revelation
Stash Abbasi – the prime suspect
Bag – raided
Stash – found
Tasty – stores it away while he heads out for the team picture
Stash Abbasi – not to be outdone, sprints downstairs and resteals the stash
Tasty – again, fuming and refusing to warm up
Louie – after looking at the pitch saying Mezza and Owen could be a handful on this track
Mez and Owen – much like McGrath and Warne
Rhino – winning the toss and bowling first
What happened next? – you couldn’t script it
Mezza – runs through the oppo with his unique brand of inward floating 40mph(ers), racing to 4 wickets before anyone in the stands has a chance to blink
Randall & Ridge – realising they had chosen a poor day to do their rum challenge as the game could be over very quickly
Ridge – getting a move on and sending two thirds of the rum in order to negate Merriman’s heroics
Choppy – commanding silence from the crowd as Mez runs in
Scene – poetic
Merriman – castles the bloke and que ‘The Greatest Day’ by take that as the boys in the stands go mental
Mez – completes his 30 yard lap as they tick off another tour challenge
The Express – not content with a simple 5-fer
Next ball – Mezza snags another one, setting up his second hat-trick attempt of the innings
Choppy – yet again commanding silence from the crowd as the Express runs in
Merriman’s head – officially at 30 degrees
The arms – pumping
Legs – I guess they were moving in the right direction
Mez – traps the bat in front of all three
Appeal – huge
Umpire – more than happy to send the bat on his way
Titanic theme tune – starting up as the pitch is invaded by the crowd
Krish – completely stacks it while charging onto the pitch and cutting his knee open
Stash Abbasi – invading the pitch in Tasty’s stash
Tasty – jubilation quickly turning into rage
Stash – running away
Innings – quickly concluded
Lunch – some gun Singapore Noodles
Louie – Salad
Aneesh – opening up, finally getting a bat on tour
Aneesh – duck
Ede – spooning the ball in the air only to call out the umpire for saying the bowler was left arm over
Bowler – clearly right arm over
Ede – lives to fight another ball
2 balls later – Ede out
Randall – scoring half sent from the rum
Ridge – completely sent, chatting shit all afternoon
UWMCC – yet again bottling the chase
Fines – harsh, with Mez somehow maxing out
DOTD – still Aragog
Krish – upon returning attempting to book Daddy’s for the whole tour party
Daddy’s – not really understanding the idea of a group booking as they save 3 small tables for the 25 man party, not even bunched together
Ballo – ordering a rum and fanta to the amusement of the waitress
Maurice – rocks up at Daddy’s to bid the lads fairwell as he wont see them again
Maurice – sound bloke
Randall – “if I had a black granddad, I would want Maurice for sure”
Most – agreeing
3 for $10 – enough to see most lads to bed ready for the final day of t20’s

Day 10 – Monday (A Winning Tour)
Meet – nice and early in order to head back to The Wanderers for the t20 day
Chat – how was the selection for the darb vs anti-darb held
Ede – somehow darb
Stash – in use for a pink ball, coloured kit day
Questions – why a pink ball, there aren’t many spares and we have lost a lot of balls on tour
Darb XI – starting off proceedings by fielding first against Queens College
Randall – running the warm up, finishing with a simple game of catch and come in
Tasty – drops about 5 to the crowds amusement
Hitting – admittedly questionable
Queens – going ham off the powerplay
Many Bowlers – could have their performance described by a Pornhub title
Pornhub – “bunch of white boys repeatedly pumped by big black men”
Queens – racking up 146 off their 20
Tasty – having some throw downs and deciding to send one of the only pink balls over the road and loses it
Umpires – insisting that we need to use the other new pink ball in this game
Roche – agreeing despite having no balls for next game
Louie – chomping at the bit to have one final bat on tour
First Ball – plays all round a straight one
Louie – be seeing you fella, back to the field with you
UWMCC – sliping to not many for 3
Rhino and Lewis – coming together in an excellent partnership that all but saw UWMCC over the line
Rhino – worried for Dan’s health as he fears that his partner may die from diabetes while batting
Rhino – calling for coke every two overs
Jolly Rodger – popping his head over the wall
Wrong type of coke – for once
Dan Lewis – diving in completely unnecessarily in order to complete another tour challenge
Dan’s Elbows – fucked
Curtis – “this scoring ting is lit” as his scoring adds up
Ballo – going out and getting the job done
Rhino – sneaking past Sash in the runs sweepstake
Tasty – profiting
Situation – unbearable but not for long
UWMCC – winning tour started here
Lunch – class yet again with Louie earning himself an extra tomato with his win
Anti Darb – warming up badly, also bowling first
First Challenge – wtf do we play with
The ground – set up for pink ball
Umpires – dressed for pink ball
UWMCC – dressed for pink ball
Pink Balls – run out
BCC – being good blokes and running home to source a couple of white balls
Powerplay – painful
The rest – even more so
Mez – unable to recreate his form from the previous day
Ridge – yet again inducing a leading edge
Ball – balloons in the air
Loud Call – “RAAAAVS”
The inevitable – happens
Ridge – inconsolable
BCC – racking up 220 in their 20
Curtis’ combined figures at the Wanderers – 6-0-93-0
The Sachdeva’s – opening up
Sander – opening up for the oppo
Aneesh – only his second game on tour, snicks off for his second duck
Sander – ruining tours since 1997
Tour – £1500
Spending Money – £250
Stash – £150
0 Runs on Tour – priceless
Anti Darb – also seemingly anti runs as they collapse in a heap
Roche – after having completed the rum challenge within the space of 90 minutes, somehow ends up balls deep in a chat with the former Bajan ambassador to the EU and US
Social Skills – well and truly tested
NJono – signalling out a large family watching the cricket and saying they all look like Biggie Smalls
Ballo and Randall – finding a stray monkey and trying to attract it Friends style with a warming rendition of The Lion Sleeps Tonight
Monkey – having none of it
Rav – getting his first bat on tour and getting hit by about 7 of the 0 balls he faced
Riley – restoring some credibility with a cheeky 43*
Double Fines – making sure that many clubmen don’t have enough to eat for the final day on tour
The Fox – comprehensively winning fines with 32 out of a possible 35
Fox – 91% fines rate
Lads – bidding a fond farewell to the cricket side of things as they head back for dinner
Anti-Daddy’s – heading back to the Jamm Inn for one last meal
Barman “why don’t you drink? Are you a chicken?”
The Fox – “Im an athlete”
Barman – chuckles to himself, wondering what on gods earth Ed is athletic at
The Fox – “nobody tells the fox what to do”
Ed – clearly taken that approach with all cricket coaching ever offered to him
Riley – “Turner odds on you spunk in Sanders bed?”
Results – unknown
Sander – also seen blowing a kiss to his juan on skype
Sander – ridiculed
Fines – added up
Chat – turning to what the fuck we do with all the fines money as Lewis has been incredibly harsh all tour
Roche – “we should tip the tour guide and the bus driver”
Roche – met with fierce opposition
Tour Guide – fucking useless
Riley – suggesting that we just get Sander to shoot her as we take off
30 miles – potentially rendering her out of range but Sander willing to give it a go
Fines money – halved as a result of the excess
Fresh – becoming involved in a serious game of President, with drinking and pool fines for the super scum amongst the group
DOTD – Njono for his casual racism as described earlier
Bedtime – dictated as half the tour party would be coaching kids in the morning

Day 12 – (Face Down Arse Up)
Shock – the bus is yet again late
Coaching – postponed by 30 mins as the rest of the group head off to Bridgetown
Reggae Bus – a day out in itself
Yet again – the bus stopping with absolutely no space left
This time – the lads gamble to see if they can all fit in
Space – absolutely not
Bajan Radio Station – genuinely class with many reggae mixes of some UK fan favourites
MC – blasting over the top with some questionable sayings
Shape of You – guy shouting out Tiami Catamaran Cruises
“We talked for hours and hours abut” – “PREMIUM DRINKS PREMIUM DRINKS
MCing – completely taking over most songs
“FACE DOWN ARSE UP” – certainly not PG at 11am
Lads – can’t get enough of the radio
Locals – seemingly knowing exactly what the MC was going to say next
Jolly Rodger – getting a shout out, clearly having monopolised the radio
The driver – on his phone for the entire duration of the journey
Bottle of Mount Gay – slotted between his legs, swigging at every junction
Lads – fearing for their lives as they are dropped down some random side street
Rhino – “is this Bridgetown mate?”
Driver – “yes man 10 minute walk that way”
Reggae Bus – almost delivering but you can’t complain for $2 barb
Meanwhile – Coaching finally underway led by Louie
Demos – awful as Merriman can’t catch a cold
Timmo – bringing a size 6 bat to give away to the kids
Timmo – striking them cleanly and deciding the bat would be gun for the back garden
Kids – not receiving the bat
Robin Hoozanne – taking from the rich and giving to the poor… but then changing his mind and keeping for the rich
Sander – not getting the message about the donation to the school and practically auctioning off his gloves by shouting “WHO WANTS THESE?”
100 kids – immediately swarming around Sander
Sadner – chucking them up in the air and saving himself
Gloves – causing the Bajan version of the hunger games
Lads – bidding farewell to the school and heading back to the hotel for a quick pit stop before also venturing to Bridgetown
Others – meeting up in a shopping mall with free WiFi
Olly – buying so much fake Ralphy stuff
Bloke – trying to sell the lads a taxi for the 200th time within the space of 10 mins
Randall – “je ne suis pas une poisson”
Randall – walking away
Aneesh – “that doesn’t even make sense”
Tasty – “you do realise that if they were to speak any other language it would probably be French?”
Lads – heading to the bar looking over the river
Boat – mooring up with some bloke clearly staging the catching of some fish
Coke – costing Aneesh $4 US dollars and essentially is just a glass of ice
Aneesh – feeling mugged off but the Beyoncé playlist softening the blow
Boys – heading back and somehow managing to catch the same Reggae Bus as the others
Bus Driver – driving at least 70mph through the favelas back to St Lawrence gap
Beach – hit up for some final tanning/one hand one bounce on the beach
Louie et al – turning up with very similar stories about the reggae bus experience
New Tour Motto – face down arse up, most certainly words to live by
Tour awards – at the pool
Sash – winning Tourist of the Tour
Ridge – winning fresher of the tour
Lewis – handing over a singular maraca
Lewis – “im sorry, I ran out of money after buying the first one”
Rhino – winning batsman of tour
Mez – bowler of tour
Ballo – fielder of tour and winning a turtle
Rav – looking on longingly
Rav – “I fucking love turtles”
Ridge – “could have been yours if you could fucking catch”
DOTD – Timmo nominated for the act of showing the kids what they could have won, before cruelly snatching it away
Twat of the Tour – 4 main nominations
Timmo – nominated again for getting UWMCC banned from the whole sea
Krish – nominated for giving a random bloke $10 US for some cheesy chips
NJono – nominated for his batting on the first game, his electronics being lost to the sea and finally his casual racism throughout tour
Tour Guide – nominated for being fucking useless
NJono – winning for the mix of twattery and securing himself the dress for the flight home
JEde – winning fines with only 16
Rhino – “I would have come joint last if it weren’t for my fine for being a witch”
Conclusion – don’t be a witch
Tour Challenge winners – Sash and Dan after having completed 12 of the 16 challenges and having a lower average fines than joint challenge leaders Timmo, Tasty and Ed
Fresh challenges – revealed with the fresh completing all of their challenges bar one
Tasty’s Chop List – a step to far however, Roche allowing a pardon as Sash performed his ‘steal Tasty’s stash challenge so well’
Tasty – “why did all these challenges involve me?”
Roche – “youd pissed me off when I wrote them”
Roche – also awarded a banks beer t-shirt for somehow stumbling across a class tour, even in the absence of an itinerary
Fresh – awarded with two bottles of rum to send on the last night
Fresh – needing no invitation and getting sent
Odds – flying out of control on the final night
Ridge – losing odds to do Week 1 Circle in his boxers and tie
Randall – losing odds to run 1st session from the bin
Sash – losing odds to wear his Barbados tourist shirt at circle
Owen – swapping clothes with Olly for first week back also
Week 1 Circle – already rogue
Pool Jumping – ludicrous
Random Couple – loving UWMCC’s antics on the final night
Owen – getting out of the pool, nearly naked, definitely sent
Couple – engaging in a 20 minute convocation with the poor lad
Aragog – falling asleep on many separate occasions, only to wake himself up and demand to know what was going on quite aggressively
Everyone – sent and emotional

Day 13 – Wednesday (If you don’t like it, you can fuck off)
Check out – 12pm
Most – having a lie in and a late breakfast
Breakfast lady – coming over to Randall and saying “It’s a shame you weren’t here longer, maybe we could have got a drink”
Randall – choking on his plantain
Randall – didn’t even order plantain
Lads – waiting for the bus to come one final time
Ed – refusing to wear the whites home despite losing fines
Roche – “come on mate its tradition”
Ed – “I didn’t pay to be ridiculed”
Roche – “well if you don’t like it, you can fuck off. Don’t come home with us”
Emotions – at an all-time high
The Fox – not budging on his stance
The Fox – outlawed from next year’s tour
Chat – can we add unwritten into Megamix?
Answers – in the bulletin board please
Check In – taking fucking ages
Krish – somehow smuggling an aerosol through security
Bajan Security – clearly not as stringent as the UK
Tourists – using up their final barb to purchase litres of rum for the way home
Ballo – hiring 3 rum mules to carry his excess rum on the way home
Chat – adding Jono Fords girlfriend on all forms of social media
NJono’s Juan – believing some rogue messages sent from Choppy’s phone explaining how Jono was keen to give bukkake a go when he got home
Lads – boarding the flight
Randall – yet again checking the positioning of Merriman
Odds – still being played on the flight
Owen – losing odds to try and convince the air hostess that he was ‘not retarded’ when handing his breakfast back
Rav – getting a special Hindu breakfast
Hindu Breakfast – exactly the same as the normal breakfast, only without a croissant
The Vedas, Chapter 12 – ‘Thout shall not eat croissants’
Randall – losing odds on to get a cup of tea with a shot of Gin in it
Air Hostess – “ive never heard of that one before?”
No fucking wonder love – air hostesses really are dumb fucks
Louie – starting to watch Thor Ragnorok
Tasty – starting a seat chat
Louie – joining
Tasty – mate did you know that Thor loses his eye in the next scene
Louie – fuming at yet another spoiler
Hannah Criddle – joining the chat much to the amusement of the rest of the flight
Louie – quickly leaving the chat and watching Kingsman 2
Tasty – starting a Chinese whisper “Merlin dies”
Whisper – reaching Louie
Louie – “ANYYYYY” waking half the flight up
Lads – touching down
Ballo – clogged up with so much Imodium that all of a sudden he feels the ‘corkscrew’ effect at baggage reclaim
Reclaim – yet again a farce
Goodbyes – emotional
Lads – realising that the forthcoming term contains exams
Always remember – You are not retarded

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