Day 1 – D-Day
Den – slowly filling up with tour hungry clubmen
Kinners – somehow not fathoming that a group of 22 may need to book a table for Nandos
Nandos – unsurprisingly unaccommodating
GBK – managing to squeeze in the UWMCC
Dan Lewis – late
Murphy – also absent, the group worried about what Jarris may have done to him
Wales vs. France – going into nearly 20 minutes of overtime
UWMCC – luckily making the decision to leave for the train station rather than watch
J$ – managing to forget the tour ties
Son Jark Manuel – heroically running the ties over to Leam station
Tour duck – sadly still being forgotten
Train – overcrowded with UWMCC luggage
Bints at Birmingham – stupidly trying to get on the train when a horde of luggage was getting off
Typical Bham IQ – low
Jarris – meeting at the airport, being sent off by his missus and family
Missus – no idea what Jarris is about to get up to
Security machine – supposedly randomly selecting 1/100 people
Security machine – 5 UWMCC members in a row being randomly selected for a search
The full 22 – eventually reconvening in the departure lounge Weatherspoons for a pre flight bevvy and England vs. Ireland
England – starting the tour off poorly by loosing to the Irish
UWMCC – wondering why there was so much Irish support
Tanoy – announcing no less than 3 flights to Dublin, questions being answered
Tour challenges – being devised by Bex et al.
Jarris – “One challenge should be to have dinner with a local family in a shanty town”
Shantytown meal – unsurprisingly not making the cut
Tour teams – also being created by Bex, each team made up of 3 members (except one team of 4)
Teams – predictably unfair, with an obviously strong team of Bex, Randall and Rhino emerging
J$ – winning £3 on the slot machines, getting overexcited and then proceeding to lose it all
Dubai – awaiting the UWMCC, with the boys being called to the departure gate
Fit stewardess – kindly taking a pre tour group photo
Randall – discovering he had been seated 30 rows away from everyone alongside Jake Probert and Rajakanthan
Randall – the only one to be sent to a different departure gate
Tasty – facetiming him from the main gate
Randall – “I feel segregated… I feel like Mandela”
Emirates – gun, the UWMCC managing to get on a A380
Jake and Raja – managing to snipe premium economy seats
UWMCC peasants – not allowed upstairs to visit them
Randall – now well and truly alone by himself
Challenge 1 – teams have to consume 12 drinks between them on 1 of the 4 flights
Most teams – choosing flight 1 (Birmingham to Dubai)
Tasty and Boz – worried about having Edouard Fox on their team due to his no alcohol policy, having to now polish off 6 each
Randall – managing to persuade the stewardess to let him back to one of the spare seats around everyone else
Someone – sprawled out over 3 seats
Randall – “it’s unfair that they get 3 seats”
Bex – “rumours are its Merriman”
Randall – taking aim with a pillow, “Oh sod Merriman”
Pillow – nailing ‘Merriman’ in the head
‘Merriman’ – undisturbed
Randall – unwilling to accept defeat, increasing the calibre of projectile to a rolled up blanket
Blanket – Boom!! Headshot
‘Merriman’ – turning out to be a random woman wearing a Hijab, waking up, giving Randall evils and returning to slumber
Randall – trying to pretend he isn’t a shit cunt
Drinks challenge – underway for many teams
Spirits – turning out to be double shots
Roach – “does each drink therefore count as 2?”
Bex – a cunt as usual, declaring that each double is 1 drink
Bozza – falling asleep after one drink
Tasty – already 3 in, deciding it was too late to choose a different flight for the challenge, desperately waking Boz up
Boz – reluctant
Tasty – having to take the mantle on for himself, pushing for 10 whilst Bozza does 2
Goodyear – having a relatively steady one due to having a helpful team (can you sense the resentment), being refused service by the air steward because “you’ve already had 5”
Tasty – still being served despite being obliterated, thanks to a blossoming relationship with the stewardess from Coventry
Millman – ordering more drinks for Tasty
Stewardess – knowing their true destination, avoiding Millman the middleman and delivering straight to Tasty
Dubai – eventually reached
Tasty – absolutely trollied, cutting shapes as he dances his way through the airport, “I could go straight to Neon right now if it was in this airport”
Kinners – giving people permission to browse the airport despite the connecting flight leaving soon, and them berating them for being late
Dubai to Cape Town – a much less eventful flight, most passing out for the majority
Kinners – “anyone know of some good film to watch”
Lewis – “Suicide Squad”
Kinners – “I heard that was lame”
Lewis – “I think that it’s underrated”
Kinners – deciding to give it a go, despite all the negative reviews
45 minutes later
Lewis – “Kinners, I’ve just thought about it and realised that it really is a shit film, you could watch a lot better”
Kinners – no longer having time to switch films, having to grit and bear the remainder of the film
Cape Town – eventually reached
Murphy – the last to find his bag… unbearable
Jarris – trying to thread his trolley through a small gap, fucking it royally and sending both his and Piers’s bags everywhere
No-one – stopping to help, not even Piers
Gullivers guide – a fit little blondie called Jamie
Theo – our driver for the trip
Never @ Home Hostel – the first accommodation for the UWMCC
UWMCC – thinking they are stitching Tasty by leaving him in a two with Jarris
Tasty/Jarris – the real winners, getting a massive room with TV, fresh towels and linen and a double shower
Hostel – gun with a rooftop pool
Dick of the Day – decided on Randall after this plane-throwing escapades, donning the dress
Tasty/Jarris – both suggesting at the exact same time that their safe code should be the numbers corresponding to the word chop
Great minds – think alike
Randall – walking up to the restaurant to order and pay for his food in a dress
Restaurant – looking at Randall in bemusement
SA – obviously anti cross-dressing
Day 1 – long
SA – gun
Day 2 – The Penguin Porno
Wake up – early as fuck
Itinerary – to do 3 days worth of sight seeing in 1
Table Mountain – stop number one
UWMCC – arriving 30 minutes too early and having to wait for the cable car to open
Table Mountain staff – welcoming the Chinese tourists with open arms
Staff – “Ni how how how you doing”
UWMCC – horrified at the racism
Chinese – loving it
Local couple – goals, wearing matching pink crocs
Tasty/Jarris – getting in a selfie with the Jap tourists
Jap tourists – individually all wanting selfies with various members of the UWMCC
French tour guide – complaining to Dave about the boring French family he was showing around before singling out Jake Probert and telling him to “watch the sun”
Table Mountain – beaut
Goodyear – only seeing the Table Mountain views through the lens of his digital camera
Bozza – spending an estimated 3 days worth of spending money on his first of many gifts for Georgia
Piers – “I’m in charge of Jarris”, said with a little pride and a little disdain
Edouard – being conquered by Table Mountain after smashing his knee on a rock, blood going everywhere
UWMCC – gathering for a group photo atop the mountain, well everyone except three…
Tasty/Jarris – fulfilling one of the Windmill Society’s bucket list item of windmilling atop of Table Mountain
Piers – the official witness
Rhino – delivering the 1st of the day’s ‘Rhino’s Reviews’
Rhino – “Not all that impressive actually. No more than a 6/10”
Table Mountain – supposedly only just better than average
Tour guide – a lovely South African man on crutches called Dave
Dave – on the hunt for someone who’s interested in Geology
Next stop – Seal Island
Seal Island – actually pretty cool, helped by the fact that we got to go on a boat
Rhino – “I think I’ll give these a 7/10”
Bex – “Any reason why this gets a mark above Table Mountain?”
Rhino – “Much more interactive”
Cape Point – the southernmost point of SA being the next destination
Drive – fairly lengthy, made longer by the monotonic dialogue from Dave
Dave – discussing at the length the problems of the socio-economic divide in SA all whilst sporting a Rolex on his wrist
Dave – “the water situation is getting desperate. We are down to our last 100 days. It’s got so bad that I can’t even fill up my pool”
1st world problems – obviously something that Dave hasn’t yet heard of
Cape Point – giving the lads some amazing views
J$ – still not impressed
Lizard – spotted but luckily not by Dan Lewis, getting to live another day
Rhino – giving his review on the walk down
Rhino – “Views were good but the lighthouse was shit. You can’t even go in. It was irrelevant and too busy. Weymouth is better. 3/10”
Break up line – “you’re irrelevant and visited by too many people”, a great way to dump a slut
Bertha’s – lunchtime destination in a nearby town
Starter – a pretty gun seafood soup, with some taking a shitty salad as alternative
Rhino – ready to give a scathing review of his bowl of leaves
Louie – offered chicken as his vegetarian alternative to fish
Saffers – not really understanding the concept of vegetarianism
Waitress – laughing at the situation
Louie – not laughing
Passer by – wearing pink on pink
Bex – “I’ve heard that’s what they have to wear to designate themselves as homosexual”
Theo – going a la carte instead of set menu and getting delivered a massive fuck off fish
Bex – “Tbf, he’s probably like a mother bird. He eats it and then regurgitates it for his kids”
Band – arriving outside the restaurant, looking slightly intimidating
Tasty – “I feel like this is going 1 of 2 ways. Either they are going to be a barbershop quarter or they are getting AK-47’s out”
Band – luckily choosing the former, throwing in some dance moves to boot
Donation pot – going around the tables
Randall – singling out the one band member on crutches, “I don’t think he is putting enough effort in on the dancing front to be worth my money”
Rhino – reviewing dessert, “Decent but the ice cream was a bit too icy”
Rhino – more difficult to please than J$
Randall – stitching Tasty whilst he went to the toilet, artistically placing some beetroot on his dessert before putting a bit on his own so Tasty wouldn’t realise”
Tasty – thinking it was candied fruit, munches on his beetroot before everyone starts creasing at him
Piers – telling Tasty that the next stop was to see the Penguin’s at Boulders Beach
Tasty – unable to fathom that Penguins live in Africa, not believing
Penguins – real!!!
Boulders beach – a porn shoot
Penguins – chopping up left right and centre, adopting a ‘power pose’ next to their missus for 10 minutes post chop
Merriman – informing the boys that he also does the power pose to assert bedroom dominance
Derek the Penguin – coming home to find his wife Susan cheating on him with some twatty penguin called Adam
Derek – last seen on top of a rock, considering ending it all
Sightseeing – officially over
Tasty – being awarded Dick of the Day for getting his dick out all day
Dress – not having to be worn due to the popular anti-gay agenda in SA nightclubs
Dinner – paid for already at the Cape Town waterfront
Aneesh – the only one to be ID’d at the restaurant
Louie – once again having to fight for his vegetarian meal, eventually being giving a mixture of all non-meat items on the menu
Murphy – bringing in his own 2 litre bottle of squash to the restaurant and proceeds to chug it in public… unbearable
UCT – inviting us over to their clubhouse for drinks to celebrate the end of their season
Beers – 10 rand each (60p)
Serious sesh – on the cards
UCT – informing the UWMCC that their opening bowlers both hit 85 mph
Poo – exiting bums
UCT – nominating their 3 quickest drinkers for a beer strawpedo race against Boz, Tasty and Lewis
UWMCC – sending the UCT trio, the only victory to be had against UCT
Tour challenges – still waiting to be completed
Challenge number 2 – bring up and sustain a conversation about Oscar Pistorius with a local
Murphy – giving it a good go before having his local poached by Tasty
Tasty – “I’m about to go to the toilet but just wanna check something first… Are these doors Oscar-proof?”
Murphy – in despair of losing out, dropping bottles off of the clubhouse… unbearable
UWMCC – eventually heading to Claremont (the student area) for a night out at Tin Roof
Tin Roof – the Cape Town equivalent of POP!
Murphy, Raj and Jayaram – making a beeline for the pole
Raj and Jayaram – the first to make moves on the pole, performing some serious acrobatics before getting some loose looks from the crowds
Murphy – having his turn but managing to kick someone in the head on the way up the pole… unbearable
Jarris – managing to forget that he is wifed up, getting with a dog of an American
Photographic evidence – in existence but forbidden from publication
Bex – eventually leading the troops back home
J$ – not understanding why when everyone is having a sick night
Jarris – obviously not leaving
Rhys – engaging in a convo with a local in a Saffers accent and holding his own pretty well
Jarris – eventually returning home in the early hours
Day 3 – The Dicking
Game day – everyone arising late, feeling less than fresh
Temperature – predicted to rise close to 40oC in the afternoon
Water – nowhere to be seen
Kinners – not going out and keen for an early net session
Everyone else – not keen
UCT – eventually arriving and agreeing to bat first to make the game lengthy
Bozza – giving an uninspiring speech
Bozza – “Everyone SHUT UP!!… Go me”
Jayaram – bowling a worldie of a ball and sending their opener back to the clubhouse
Happiness – ending there
Bozza – dropping the other opener in the 30’s
Opener – going on to smash 186
Jayaram – getting pumped for an almighty six into the grasslands below
Roach – being part seal, struggling in the immense heat, going as red as Jake’s burn gloves
Jake Probert – bringing factor 100+ sun cream with him
Factor 100+ – sun proof
Spectators – having real trouble telling Aneesh and Jayaram apart in the field
UCT – getting 427 from their overs
Alex Brebner-Griffin (hereby known as ABG) – carrying his bat for 60 odd
Edouard – making his first appearance for the UWMCC
Edouard – surviving his first ball but forgetting to run and being run out by ABG
Jarris – Impersonating on the sideline, “Ohhh oooo la la, ABG what have you done
Everyone else – pretty shit
UWMCC – dicked on
Fines – most players maxing out
Roach – fined for walking into a sliding door
Dick of the Day – Bozza for his horror show captaincy
Jarris – deciding on the journey home that Edouard has the steely gaze of a serial killer
Arson – Edouard’s chosen weapon
Jarris – establishing the ‘Edouard Fox Arson Army’
Membership – including himself, Bex, Goodyear, Randall, ABG and Tasty
Dinner – people splitting up with many taking the recommendations of the UCT boys and going to a burger joint
Roach – probably smashing 3 burgers
Arson Army (minus Jarris) – going for waterfront 3 course meal
Arson Army – ordering a variety of different steaks
ABG – “I’ll have the Steak Tartare, medium rare”
Waiter – “we normally serve that raw…”
ABG – in embarrasement, “Right… I’ll take the Sirloin”
Jarris – meeting a mate in Cape Town and not returning to the hotel until 5am, not heeding the warning of Jon Hall about getting bevved the day before wine tasting
Day 4 – Pinotage
Stellenbosch – the end destination
Wine – standing in our way, and lots of it
Craig – the name of our tour guide from Cape Town to Stellenbosch
Craig – fucking useless
Murphy – “Do you know how flavoured water sparkling water is meant to be flavoured? Well this sparkling water tastes like water”
Murphy – Unbearably insightful
Beyerskloof – the 1st vineyard on our merry mission
Tasting 1 – to consist of 8 wines
Edouard – not drinking, much to the shock of the wine people
Pinotage – the specialist wine of the region and possibly the best thing ever
Tastings – surprisingly large, with Dan Lewis having a second glass of every wine thanks to Edouard
Wine woman – introducing a ‘incest grape’ which used the Pinotage grape with Pinot Noir
Murphy – unsurprisingly fond of incest, making some lude comment… unbearable
American girls – turning up in a massive party for a tasting, all at least 7/10
Craig – taking photos of the girls in the least subtle manner, before encouraging us to get involved
UWMCC – building relations with what could only be described as a Sorority
Sorority – staying on a boat on the Cape Town coast
Jarris – giving his number in case they wanted to party in Stellenbosch
Jarris – still waiting on a reply
2nd Vineyard – Blauuwklippen where we would have a further 5 wines
Sesh – already starting to hit with Lewis looking ready to hurl some chairs
Craig – hurrying us along, sinking his wine and doing fuck all else
Spier – a beautiful lakeside vineyard where we would have lunch
Staff – “where’s the vegetarian?”
Louie – hand up
Staff – “you sit here”, ushering to a lone seat at the end of the table
Vegetarianism – now including segregation as well as chicken
Pinotage – being ordered in bulk to the table
Murphy – piling beetroot onto his plate, eating some before spitting it out
Murphy – “I thought it was Rhubarb”… unbearable
Aneesh – sharing a bottle of Pinotage with Murphy
Aneesh – polishing off the bottle before handing the empty to Murphy
Murphy – pouring to no avail
Arson Army – getting a lakeside selfie
Random Chinese – successfully passing recruitment and joining the army for a photo
Jarris – providing the criteria for a 1/10, “If she has a vagina and you can get your arms around her”
Waterford Estate – final vineyard where 7 wines were shlotted
Wine man – a bloke called Trent
Trent – better bloke than Murphy, offered his place on tour
Randall – “the girls out here are just so unbelievable… no wonder girls get raped out here”
Randall – following in Murphy’s footsteps
UWMCC – eventually arriving at the Stellenbosch hotel, not realising that Craig had fucked off
Everyone – pretty sent
Pres – at some Cuban bar where cocktails were big and fucking cheap
Tasty – leading the group to Di Lapa, a bar recommended by the UCT boys
Di Lapa – essentially the student pre bar
Robot special – the order of choice involving 3 ‘Cane spirit’ mixers
Robot special – vile
Kinners – throwing up his substantial dinners
Tasty – also hurling his food into the street, returning to the hotel for a quick clothing change
Clubs – banging
Catwalk – a 4 room madhouse where Afrikaans ballroom featured
Roach and Goodyear – hitting a perfect Viennese Waltz
Millman – telling the bouncer his cap was on the wrong way
Bouncer – telling Milman to fuck off
Millman – keen to correct the bouncers fashion error, sneaks up behind him and turns his hat before fleeing
Jarris – following his penis to a bar near the hotel
Tasty, Bex and Piers – following
Jarris – binning off the fat bint, instead spending the night purposely pissing off as many locals as possible
Locals – loving the English accent, literally dripping at the thought of some Cumberland Sausage
Piers – not believing that Jarris has fingered his sister
Jarris – insistent that he did on a camping trip
Camping trip – genuine
Piers – “It’s bedtime”
Tasty – “Don’t think that’s what your sister said when Jarris was about to fingerblast her”
Bex – “Yeah she had zero interest in sleep”
Piers – still in denial
Day 5 – Golf, Cheetahs and a Lecture
Rest day – much needed
Golf
Golf – on the cards for Bex, Tasty, Goodyear, Raj, ABG and Bozza
Roach, Piers and Randall – also keen to join
Uber 1 – leaving for the Devonvale Golf course
Randall – calling Tasty, “Where have you gone, Bozza has disappeared”
Bozza – claiming that he thought Randall had gone in the first cab
Randall – told by Bozza to GET FUCKED
Piers and Randall – deciding to go on the range instead of the course
Bex and Tasty – clever, getting buggies for the day and leading out as a 2 ball
Roach and Piers – deciding to hire a buggy to follow everyone around the course
Roach – crashing into a house
4 ball – slow
Bozza – almost murdering a baby Springbok with a bullet 6 iron
Bex and Tasty – both shooting under handicap for a combined -7, celebrating with a meal and a couple of bottles of Pinotage in the clubhouse
Heavens – opening
Clubhouse – genuinely cheering the rain
4 ball – stuck out, walking in the treacherous conditions
Piers and Roach – abandoning the 4 ball and joining the others in the clubhouse
4 ball – eventually seen walking up the 18th, sodden and wayward
Bex and Tasty – doing the only thing that good blokes would do in the situation… calling their names, raising a glass of pinotage and then returning to the dry clubhouse
ABG – regretting his decision to wear a full shirt with it now see-through
Cheetahs
Rhino – hitting the gym with Jarris nice and early before returning to join the others
Others – deciding to spend the day at a Cheetah sanctuary
Instagram – hit with a barrage of Cheetah selfies
Randall – trying to look happy with the Cheetahs despite his heart being at the golf
Jarris – spotting an out of place Blue Whale walking through the sanctuary
Whale – could feed the Cheetahs for days
Rhino – “very interactive but I couldn’t help but feel like they were drugged up to fuck, therefore only 6/10”
Rhino – obviously used to spotted things on drugs with the practice he has had with his girlfriend
Cheetah sanctuary – essentially a Switch for big cats
Lectures
Rhys, Mezza and Ed – realising that exams were upon them, decided to partake in some light revision
Maths lecture – enjoyed by the trio
Stellenbosch lecture hall – reminding Ed of Columbine
Ed – scouting out some potential victims
Everyone –reconvening at the hotel
Aneesh and Rhino – watching an Afrikaans TV drama, understanding zero words until someone randomly says, “Explanation!!’
Aneesh – observing that Afrikaans people say, “OMG Jehovah” quite a lot
Pub Quiz – pres
J$ – sneaking salt into Kinner’s pint
Kinners – retaliating with other condiments
Tasty – the sensible one for once, trying to broker a peace agreement
Quiz question – “Which animal is well known for being able to see the furthest?”
Merriman – “Lads, I think it’s the Bat”
Merriman – banned from answering any further questions
Yorke-Starkey – ever present in our minds, with a pro/anti-anal discussion brewing up
Rhino – giving a short and sweet Rhino’s review of anal, “not as good as vaginal”
Tasty – “how much lube?”
Rhino – “is there ever enough?”
Pub quiz – over, with us not winning
Most – returning to the hotel
Arson army plus Millman, Rhino and Aneesh – remaining out
Tasty and Jarris – finding 2 Stellenbosch students and convincing them to come out with us
1 student – fit
The other –fat
Bex – using this opportunity to do the Oscar Pistorius challenge
Fit girl (Tamara) – knowing Reeva personally, reacting surprisingly well
UWMCC – invited to their pres the following day assuming they went out
Fit girl – proposing to do Mandy
Jarris to Tasty – “she can give you a proper good gurnjob tomorrow”
Gurnjob – not sounding particularly appealing
Aneesh – walking home between Jarris and Tasty
Jarris – “you are the Chicken Tikka to our Naan Bread”
Jarris and Tasty – dropping trouser and windmilling whilst hopping across a Zebra crossing
Jarris – proceeding to dickslap ABG
ABG – knighted by Jarris’s holy sabre
Day 6 – Shitgate continues…
Match day – approaching
Kinners – suggesting everyone walk to the stadium
Windmill Society – deciding against that, getting brekkie in and catching an Uber
Windmill Society – making by far the best decision, with the so-called 10-minute walk in fact being closer to 45
Nets – making Murphy seem quick
Murphy – managing to repeat Curtis’s ball from pre-Christmas to injure Tasty’s ankle again
Tasty – out
Rhino – in
J$ – giving a significantly improved team talk over Bozza, “As long as we don’t lose by as much as Bozza did, then we win”
Murphy – still the only bowler so far to not go for a 6… unbearable
Murphy – dropping a regulation high catch, managing to do a forward roll onto his neck in the process, looking pretty painful and pretty unbearable
Jay – taking an absolute beauty of a C&B wicket
Someone – “good wicket Aneesh”
Asians – all on the pitch, with a lot of confusion between the spectators when trying to identify Jayaram, Aneesh, Raj or J$
Jarris – getting absolutely pumped around the ground, allowing their batsmen to get an 18-ball 50
Merriman – being bought on to stem the runs
Stellenbosch batsmen – unfamiliar with the slowness of Merriman, unable to hit him at first
Merriman – eventually figured out and then also being pumped
UWMCC – conceding a lot of runs overall
Aneesh – opening up with Dan Lewis
Aneesh – batting with a single-figure strike rate, surviving 20 overs for very little runs
Lewis – bottling his 50
Piers – dispatching the ball in a similar way to Jarris dispatching his sister… hard and aggressive
Fines – usual suspects managing to max out such as Bozza, Jarris, Rajakanthan and Tasty
Edouard – suspiciously late getting back on the bus
Randall – “think he may be planting the explosives”
Tasty – “I think he’s a hitman, available to hire on the Dark Web as ‘the Fox’”
Jarris – “What does the Fox say”
Tasty – “Allahu Akbar”
Post game Pinotage – flowing
Dinner table – trying to gauge if ABG is bad at anything
ABG – thinking long and hard, “Well I guess I’m not very good at being Black”
Randall – announcing that he once was a toyboy, dating his cricket coach’s daughter who was 4 years his senior
Jarris – “If you wanna have a successful relationship, then you have to tell your missus everything”
Tasty – “does that mean you’re gonna tell yours about Tin Roof?”
Jarris – “fuck off will I”
Dessert course – reached
Waiter – “We have 4 Tiramisu’s left and a shitload of Panna Cotta”
Waiter – invited to join the Arson army
Nudes – in discussion
Randall – showing the table a video of him getting sucked off by a typical ‘MNG’ girl (Monday Night Guildford)
Stellenbosch – being attacked by the UWMCC from all angles
Catwalk – the venue for most
Merriman – removed from the club after getting on the ‘ladies only’ stage
Kinners – the person not allowing Merriman to get off
Merriman – insistent that it was actually Jayaram on stage… racist
Aneesh – probably the one on stage
Jayaram – having problems of his own, desperately needing a shit following a large dinner
Jayaram – pleading with the queue to let him skip through
Queue – unresponsive
Jayaram – “please, I’m going to shit myself”
Queue – still unresponsive
Jayaram – reluctanctly waiting in the queue until the inevitable happens… he shits himself and is forced to waddle home
Arson army – hitting up Di Lapa again
Random bint – possibly being the most drunk person in the world at that point
Bex – having a dab off with said girl
Bint – sending him before sending herself onto the floor
Tasty – “If anyone gets with her, it’s a 10 year jail sentence”
Jarris – making moves on another bint
Jarris – “I thought that she was 30 but turns out she’s 18… she has not aged well”
Arson Army – leaving Jarris behind and returning home
Room 3 – receiving a noise complaint
Jayaram and Kinners – confused seeing as the only person in their room at the time was Dan Lewis
Room – an absolute state, with a naked Dan Lewis in the middle
Jayaram – having to deal with him, despite having shit in his pants
Tasty – joining the party, creasing at Dan
Dan – convulsing
Kinners and Tasty – now worried about his diabetes
Dan – murmuring
Kinners – getting closer, “What was that Dan? Do you need your insulin?”
Dan – “You need to have sex with the sexy girl”
Jayaram – “What?”
Dan – “The sexy girl, you need to shag the sexy girl”
Kinners – taking the opportunity to film Dan including a close up of his bumhole
Dan – “People with diabetes should be punched in the balls”
Jayaram – opening the toilet door to discover Dan had littered the floor with chunder
Dan – “take that you Stellenbosch cunts”
Dan – eventually put in bed
Bozza – also absolutely sent, managing to pass out in the brace position
Raj – ‘accidently’ sending pictures of Bozza in his woeful state to Georgia
Piers – deciding that a game of ‘Bozza Buckaroo’ was in order
Raj and Piers – managing a plethora of items without Bozza waking up
Jarris – meanwhile the only one still out, eventually being ditched by the 30 year old
KFC – calling Jarris’s name
Girls – complaining about the cost of their 93 rand meal
Jarris – growing impatient, deciding to toss 100 rand at them
Jarris – “keep the change for your fucking charity pot”
Girls – thankful and also slightly offended by the brummy bastard
Jarris – eventually ending up with 5 zinger burgers and polishing them all off
Stellenbosch – completed it
Day 7 – The Susan Kruger
Jayaram’s pants – hopefully discarded
Dan – surprisingly chipper
Bozza – looking woeful
Cape Town – once again our destination
Hostel guide – way too happy for the hungover UWMCC boys
Robben Island – the activity of the day
Bozza – bargaining with Kinners to let him go and get a Maccies takeaway
Kinners – reluctantly agreeing despite the tight timescale
Bozza – deciding to eat in rather than take-away, a decision that made Murphy look bearable
UWMCC – almost late for their ferry because of it
Bex – “He deserves a public stoning”
Tasty – “we should leave him on Robben Island”
Jarris – deciding on a physical punishment by nailing him with a full water bottle
Old bird (most likely called Doris) – skipping the entire queue for the ferry and pissing off everyone in the process
Security gates – giving Edouard some worry
Ed – having to sneak off to deposit his M16
UWMCC – sniping a gun yacht for the journey across and occupying the front deck for a light spot of tanning / burning
Randall – “I remember my mates girlfriend was anti-blowjob”
Jarris – I would immediately hand her a P45”
Bex – asking Rhino if Alice was pro-blowjob
Rhino – “well she’s definitely not anti it”
Randall – “how about a cheeky video”
Rhino – with a slightly pained face, “She gets angry over pretty minor things, cant imagine she’ll appreciate a sex tape”
Robben Island – pretty sobering
Rhino – appreciating the interactiveness of the tour with guide knocking on the prison door like they did 50 years ago
Sombreness – even affecting Jarris and Tasty, abandoning their plan to windmill in Mandela’s cell
Bus tour – beginning
Lunch spot – eventually reached
Offerings – pretty lacklustre
ABG – reviewing the cheese sandwich, “It was an utter car crash from start to finish”
Goodyear – making sure to get the perfect Instagram with Table Mountain in the background
Tour guide – back on the bus, “are we all black? Shit, I mean are we all back”
Kinners – leading the boys back to the dock to catch the ferry back across
Dock workers – trying to make us catch some shitty fishing trawler called the Susan Kruger back across
Kinners – literally telling her to get fucked, instead waiting for the nice yacht to reappear
Yacht – absolutely sending the Susan Kruger in a race, despite leaving well after
Roach – absolutely nowhere to be seen
UWMCC – believing that a shark had mistaken Roach for a seal and had taken a late lunch
Roach – sadly turning up upon docking
Sharks – still hungry
Meal – once again paid for at the riverside
Quay Four – the restaurant
Rhino – making a hard decision over starters
Rhino – “I love scampi but I find that it always gives me the shits”
Waiter – “What would you like?”
Rhino – “I’ll take the scampi”
Rhino’s toilet – in for some damage
Starters – taking over an hour to come
Rhino – “this scampi just isn’t worth the inevitable shits”
Aneesh’s Dad – turning up at the restaurant
Dad – going up to Jayaram to say hello
UWMCC – sympathising with him, racism being a common mistake this tour
Aneesh – eventually getting his Dad’s attention
Randall – ordering a ‘Robben Island Iced Tea’
Jarris – “yeah I thought it looked like it had a bit of extra colour to it”
Kinners – discussing how he expected Jarris or Tasty to be arrested at some point during their lives
ABG – “I want someone unassuming to get arrested… I want Rhys Probert to get arrested”
Randall – admiring a picture of Tasty’s mate’s sister
Tasty – “she is literally 12”
Jarris – “I’d turn Catholic for the day for that”
Restaurant – trying to charge service
Kinners – demanding it off the bill, considering how shambolic the service had been
Jarris – heading off into Cape Town to meet his mate again
Some – going home
Others – heading for a G&T
Golf – topic of discussion
ABG – “It’s annoying the Jason Day isn’t playing because his mum has cancer”
Tasty – “I mean that’s about as fair as an excuse that there is”
ABG – “Well I mean… it’s not him with the cancer”
Day 8 – “Newlands”
UWMCC – arising for the T20 day ahead of them
Jarris – informing everyone that he’d almost been mugged on the way home the prior night, not returning until 5am
Berglivet – the supposed 1st class stadium being used as a replacement for Newlands, despite the fact that the Cape Cobra’s lost
Newlands – shit cunts
Berglivet – a high school ground with floodlights, hardly 1st class
Tasty – deciding he’d play the T20 but only bat
Tasty – lazy fuck
Rhys – fielding for him as 12th man
Merriman – taking a wicket and doing a choo choo celebration
Edouard – remembering the tour challenge involving a Fifa celebration upon taking a wicket, deciding on what he would do if he gets one
Ed to ABG/Tasty – “I’m gonna do the windmill and machine gun”
ABG – “Ed, that’s a pretty bold celebration getting your knob out”
Ed – “Shit, I meant the cartwheel”
Celebration – making a lot more sense
Ed – bowling
Chances – a plenty, with all 3 being put down and denying the audience a world-class celebration
BBQ – getting going for lunch
Ed – “ummmm burning, I love burning”
Arson army – perhaps formed on some truths
Anger chop – the convo topic
Doggy – the consensus for the best anger chop position
Tasty – adding that their head had to be pushed into the mattress
Jarris – “needs hair pulling and nipple twisting as well”
Bex – “I reckon the pretzel could allow for some real clattering blows”
First T20 – over, with a predicatble loss occurring
Murphy – breaking the 1 beer each rule… unbearable
Ed – spotted doing press-ups in the clubhouse and then again spotted doing lunges on the boundary
2nd T20 – underway
Aneesh – taking a catch
Tasty – “good catch Jayaram”
Coach – alarm going off
Theo – nowhere to be seen
Theo – eventually returning with a cheeky grin on his face, almost definitely having had a coach-shaking wank
J$ – going pongo before eventually getting out
2nd T20 – a similar result to the first
UWMCC – returning to the hostel after a long day
Millman – meeting a random male local in the shitter and somehow getting a free drink out of him
Next day – the ‘Gun XI game’
Early nights – for everyone
Day 9 – Gun XI
Troops – out nice and early, hangover free thanks to yesterdays alcohol restrictions
Goodyear – rounding up everyone to make sure the bus left on time
Raj – a pessimistic fucker, betting Goodyear a beer for everyone that we’d lose
Edgemead CC – the only thing standing in our way of our first international tour victory
Street names – all after sports stadiums such as Twickenham Rd, Wimbledon Way and Murrayfield Avenue
UWMCC – batting first
Platty – a Saffers local now, making his way to Edgemead to support the boys
Murphy – failing to give ABG out after a clear snick
ABG – going on to shlot a century to put the boys in a great position
Kinners – organising the umpires for the 2nd half
Tasty and Aneesh – being punished for failing to do anything else all day by being made to go out
Tasty – claiming that ‘he wouldn’t be comfortable umpiring’
Kinners – seeing through the bullshit and making him umpire nonetheless
Aneesh – seemingly confident in his umpiring ability
Aneesh – wrong
Aneesh – triggering their opener without a second thought, despite the ball going so far down legside that it would have failed to hit a 2nd set of stumps
Edgemead – not happy with the decision
Lesson – expected to be learnt
Aneesh – not a quick learner, proceeding to dismiss their captain with no time for thought after a questionable edge
Tasty – having to step in from square-leg and overturn the decision
Momentum – however definitely with the UWMCC
UWMCC – claiming their maiden victory
Raj – begrudgingly disappearing inside to purchase 22 beers
Black label – the choice of beer
Millman – to Raj, “Cheers Aneesh”
Tasty – noticing that no-one heard Millman’s joke, deciding to recycle it to better effect
Tasty – ‘Pass us a blacky Aneesh”
Laughs – considerably louder
Millman – not amused
Edgemead CC – getting into fines properly with us
Edgemead captain – making everyone who shelled a catch do a naked mile
Rhino, Goodyear and ABG – the UWMCC culprits
Bex – “you snicked off didn’t you ABG?”
ABG – “Well it was probably one of the cleaner hits I made today”
Dinner – put on for us, gun
Tasty – not being bothered to wait for the toilet queue, deciding to piss in the sink
Merriman – outraged, deciding to nominate Tasty for Dick of the Day for it
Dan Lewis – backing up Tasty’s lie, making Merriman seem like a little shit
Merriman – nominated for being a liar
Past winners – all being made to do a punishment shot made of Sambuca and condensed milk
Bozza – with 4 to do
Leam CC – being represented by Edgemead by a sound bloke called Nathan, on an exchange
Captain – proposing a game of ‘Wobbly Wickets’ outside
WW – a game involving the person spinning 10 times round a stump, with the head needing to be on the stump and the stump needing to be on the ground. The player must then proceed to run back to the start and down a can of Black Label
Goodyear – the first up
Goodyear – falling after 5 spins and struggling to get back into the game, eventually taking the loss
Score – Edgemead 1 – 0 UWMCC
Tasty – being called up for the 2nd race
J$ – giving an aggressive team talk, essentially slapping him 5 times pretty fucking hard
J$ – “If you lose this you are no longer Social Sec”
Tasty – adopting a technique of spinning 5 one way and reversing for the final 5
Technique – working, Tasty not stumbling once on the way home and sending his opponent
J$ – “maybe I should have slapped everyone playing against Stellenbosch”
Score – Edgemead 1 -1 UWMCC
Bexson – called in for the decider
Spins – increasing to 20 spins for the final race
Jarris – getting his knob out and resting it on ABG’s shoulder at the start of the race
Opponent – cheating, wicket coming out of the ground
Bex – struggling with his 20 spins, taking out a crowd member on his return to the beer
Edgemead – sadly victorious
Final Score – Edgemead 2 – 1 UWMCC
Jarris – retrieving his knob from ABG’s shoulder with ABG none the wiser
UWMCC – with an exuberant megamix on the way home
Beverages – being quickly sank
Beer bar – the nightout destination
Karaoke – on tap
Murphy – giving an unbearable rendition of something
Broken strings – being performed by the Arson Army
J$ and Jay – belting out UWMCC favourite ‘American Girl’
Random bloke – failing to sing a word of the song he requested
UWMCC – booing
His mate – giving the entire table a 15 minute long death stare (no exaggeration)
J$ – “if we pile him then we win”
Megamix classics – coming out in force with Angels getting a massive rendition
Jarris – shouting Allahu Akbar in the middle of the club
Goodyear – by this point Mugyear, joining Jarris in shouting it out
Boys – taking it as their queue to leave
Jarris – claiming to know the local eating spots, taking the remaining few to the ‘Bollywood Café’
Bex – making the bold move and ordering a Biryani
Boz – getting a naan wrap of some sort
Everyone else – ordering ‘Gatsbys’
Jarris – warning that the half Gatsby is more than enough food
Rumours – that Dan lewis has ordered 2 full Gatsby’s
Jarris – “that is literally enough food to feed South Africa”
Wait – requiring immense patience
J$ – loving the choice of music being played, busting out the bhangra moves alongside Dan
Bozza – being canonised as St. Ruggling as he spends 5 minutes attempting to cut up his food before giving up and stuffing it into his mouth
Rumours – confirmed to be untrue as Dan Lewis receives just a single half Gatsby
Half Gatsby – essentially a double footlong subway
J$ – taking his leftovers home with him
J$ – realising the food is grim when he gets home and discarding it
Day 10 – Mr Chair, through the chair, what a wonderful game this is. Of course yes
Bozza – looking fragile once again
Final game – quickly incoming
Lazy team members – deciding to not utilise the free coach and instead lie in and get Ubers
Kinners – making it clear they were not to be late
Lazy peeps – predictably late
Lazy peeps – arriving just in time to see Murphy get pumped but sadly not for 6
Cape Town CC – using their microwave as their till
Merriman – stopping a boundary and then proceeding to apologise to the batsmen
Edouard – once again deciding on his chosen celebration should he take a wicket, informing the rest of the team what to do
Edouard – making a breakthrough, proceeding to cartwheel down the middle of the wicket and then machine gun down his teammates, all going down in a hailstorm of bullets
Spectators – losing their shit
Edouard – somehow managing to get 2 from 2, once again cartwheeling down the wicket, this time however not managing to hit his teammates with the machine gun
Hat-trick ball – everyone in, ball sadly missing the edge of the bat
Ed – happy
UWMCC – bought themselves another week of life
Cape Town CC – sending out a batsmen with the largest belly overhang I’ve ever seen, called Derek
Derek – sending a quick 50
UWMCC – out into bat with a ‘pick out of hat’ batting order
Merriman – opening up against some heat
Tasty – observing that Merriman looks disappointed regardless of what happens
Theo – pissing himself laughing at Merriman
Merriman – running out his partner, looking borderline suicidal
Ed – into bat
Ed – getting career high of 18 runs, getting Tasty to take a picture of him with the pitch in the background
Goodyear – coming in bottom order and twatting out a cheeky 80 odd, mostly off one bowler
Scorer – the girlfriend of said bowler, giving him shit when he comes into the box to say hi
Boyfriend – disappointing Jarris, having only agreed to score in order to chirpse
Fines – an organised session, run by the captain of Cape Town CC
Captain – “when giving out fines, you must say the following – Mr Chair, through the chair, what a wonderful game this is. Of course yes”
UWMCC – failing to grasp the sentence, the first few fines being reversed due to it
Bozza – taking one sip of beer and retreating to the toilet
Bozza – chundering
Bozza – returning to fines, taking a further sip and then asking permission to permanently leave fines
Ed – nominating Tasty to take his drinks
Tasty – getting fucked despite not even playing… cheers Ed
Fines session – fairly heavy for everyone
UWMCC – doing our own fines afterwards
Cape Town scorer – “Jarris should be dick of the day”
UWMCC – “any particular reason?”
Scorer – “because he’s been a dick all day”
Raj and Tasty – somehow ending up fighting in the middle of fines
Tasty – getting hold of Raj’s flip-flop and threatening to throw it in the swimming pool
Raj – doing a completely naked lap of the pitch in order to win his flip-flop back
Jayaram – for some reason that I cannot remember, jumping in the pool
Jarris and Tasty – managing to persuade Jamie the guide that it was tour tradition for her to come out with us
Jamie – falling for it
Jamie – meeting us at the hotel bar for some bevs
Rhys – cosying up next to her
Jamie – revealing that her last boyfriend was 19 years old
Rhys – getting excited
Jamie – letting Rhys down, telling us all that she only goes for older men now
Jarris – still in with a chance, trying to get her to down her drink
Jamie – refusing, “I don’t want you to all think I’m as slow as Merriman”
Merriman – a prolific drinker out in Cape Town as well as Warwick
Jamie – not making it out for the actual night out
Actual night out – pretty shit, the club being dead
Murphy – getting lost out in Cape Town… unbearable
Search parties – going out
Murphy – eventually found, absolutely fucked
Jarris – “we should have let Cape Town have him”
Day 11 – Rhino with a Rhino
Aquila – providing the boys with some much needed R&R
Journey – a couple of hours, providing some sleeping opportunities… well until Murphy decided to ruin it
Murphy – supposedly feeling ‘actually ill’, despite being fucked up the prior night
Murphy – spewing on the coach into a bag but managing to pepper the floor with a little bit of last night’s offerings
Situation – only one way to describe it… unbearable
Aquila – gun, a proper resort
Rig and darb squad – hitting up the pool and its bar
Safari drive – what everyone was waiting for
Zebras – the first animal to be seen but not providing the right level of excitement
Elephants – the next on the journey, with the male elephant having a knob that would make Jon Hall’s look like a micropenis
Rhinos – providing the much needed excitement
Rhino – refusing to get a selfie with the rhino (sake)
Guide – explaining that Rhino’s mate for close to 2 hours
UWMCC – suddenly feeling very sorry for Alice
Roads – bumpy as fuck, Murphy surprisingly keeping his vom down
ABG – “this journey is like taking a tour through Murphy’s digestive system”
Lions – the next of the big 5 to be seen, with the female lion liking the look of a bit of Big Tasty for dinner
Ed – asked if he had a girlfriend
Ed – “Yes in fact I do”
Roach – “what is she, like a solid 5 or 6/10?”
Rhino – calling Roach out for shit chat considering he looks like a seal
Drive – over
Fines – Bozza losing overall, having to wear whites on the journey home
Twat of the tour – to be decided
Final 2 – Jayaram for shitting himself and Raj for his general tour behaviour
Vote – a dead heat
Wack off – the only fair way to decide
Raj – winning the wack off
Jayaram – Twat
Raj – burping, looking a little ill
Raj – spewing out everywhere
Twat of the tour – sadly no longer open for voting
Kinners – politely letting the hotel staff know of the chunder pool in their newly opened fire pit
Pinotage party – open in Jarris’s room
Ed – on his phone, plotting his next assassination
Bozza – making a lude and possibly misinterpreted comment about banging out 3 wanks on the coach to the thought of Merriman chundering
Sleep – in order
Day 12 – All good things must come to an end
5am – the wakeup required for the morning drive
UWMCC – not quite realising the point of a pitch black drive, but going nonetheless
Sunset – pretty beaut
Ed – fiddling with the Jeep prior to departure, hoping to cause it to break in the reserve
Jeep – indeed breaking down, but luckily as we were leaving the reserve
Ed – cursing his luck, having planned for it to fail whilst in the lion pit
UWMCC – back on their coach for the final journey
Jayaram – suited up in the dress
Jamie – meeting us at the airport
Bozza – getting changed into his whites prior to the plane
Theo – supposedly very fond of us, receiving a generous tip from the fines money
Bex – deciding to spend some of his remaining 10000 rand on some SA stash
Aneesh and Rhino – deciding to get bevved on the first flight, despite their challenge already being done
Rhino – handling it well
Aneesh – cross eyed and unable to talk properly
Chicken sandwich – disappointing, with some only getting 1 slice of chicken
Shake Shack – saving the hungry clubmen after a distinct lack of dinner on the flight to Dubai
Final flight – essentially 22 passed out gentlemen
UWMCC – landing back home
Jarris – greeted by his missus, her totally unaware of what he’d been up to
Murphy – late to the party, not realising everyone was getting Uber’s back to Leam
Goodbye – fleeting and unemotional, everyone was too tired for that shit
Tour – unbelievable
Murphy – unbearable
Image Gallery – Left-to-right: (Top) Random Chinese Woman; Airport; (Bottom) Bozza and his Kebab; Dan Lewis collapses; Bozza Buckaroo
