Innocent bystander – Blasted with this unbearable outburst
The Culprit – Gemes, shouting as loud as he can as he makes his way out of the train station
Randall – looking the other way as he regrets the decision to pick Gemes up
Gemes – Proceeding to give Randall a complete tour of Bristol City Centre, deliberately taking the longest route possible to the hostel so he could show off even more local knowledge
Bristol – edgy as fuck
Hostel – gun
Spoons – designated meeting point for all tourists
Some Tourists – already pretty sent
Others – Playing catch up
Samay – trying to make Adi join Ashley Madison
Adi – “I’m not your guinea pig”
Samay – “but it’s a gary shag, you can ruin someone’s life”
Morals – questionable
Tour Guide Gemes – suggesting Thekla, a boat, as the evenings destination
Thekla – club of the sea
Thekla – also sweatier that brownstairs smack
Chattle – “what if the tide comes in and I get seasick?”
Seasick & Sesh – not a good combo
Gemes – at the bar ordering drinks
Gemes – taps Bex on the shoulder to ask what he wants
A voice from behind – “double vodka lemonade mate”
Gemes – perplexed, turns around to find Bex
Attention – turned back to who he tapped on the shoulder
Bloke – a Henry Bexson doppelganger
Bex lookalike – asked for a picture and agreeing, being a good sport
Bex lookalike – clearly not Bex as he is actually a good bloke
Guj – telling a girl to do one because she looked like a manwhore
Manwhore – slaps Guj across the face, much to Roche’s approval
Howard – exploring the boat and coming across the Bridge which had been turned into the club’s office
Howard – knocking on the door
Howard – “I am the captain now”
Bouncer – escorting Howard downstairs to the tour party
Tour Party – at the outside part of the boat
Bouncer – “how long have you been black?”
Howard – “most of my life”
Bouncer (also black) – threatening to kick the tour party off the boat and asking how many of us can swim
All white members – yes
Howard – no
Bouncer – “I bet you can run though”
Racial stereotyping – certainly present in domestic waters
Gemes – laughing uncontrollably
Bouncer – goes to town on Gemes, ripping holes in every aspect of his appearance
Bex – “he’s a virgin too”
Bouncer – asks Gemes to describe punanni
Punanni – proving difficult to describe for Gemes
Howard – “who even is this house nigger?”
The Lads – deciding that it was time to go
Howard – “all I want is some chicken and some titties”
Dragons Den – awaiting the pitch
The Lads – filtering back into the hostel
Larks – deciding the nights activities are not over
Hide and Seek – the chosen game
Gemes – counting but also cheating by watching Larks run into the communal lounge
Gemes – being ultra-competitive sprints into the lounge
Lounge – pitch black
A suspicious breathing object beneath a blanket – a suitable hiding place for Larks
Gemes – relishing in his sweet victory bounds up to the blanket and tears it off to reveal… a black man
Gemes – not even apologising, runs away from the scene
2 minutes later – Larks tip-toes out of the room trying to contain his laughter
Gemes – defeated
Larkins – champion

Lads – emerging from their rooms and exploring breakfast options
Options – shit
Hangover – shitter
News – Gemes had pulled last night amongst the chaos
Choppy – “the girl that he was getting with was worse than my dead nan… and she’s been dead for 40 years”
Granny Chopps – RIP
Reality – setting in that UWMCC had their first tour game today
Randall – receiving multiple texts describing sesh related injuries
Larks – revealing to the group that Mihir has a very funny walk
Mihir’s Walk – gangly as fuck
Larks – losing odds on to try and walk like Mihir for the rest of tour
Bishopston CC – hosting the first game
Ground – gun
Bar – open at 12
Few reluctant members – taking the plunge and buying first drinks of the day
Timmo – deciding to host an earliest pint of the tour competition
Old Mout Cider – banned, despite being the choice of many of the tour party
Game – 40/40
UWMCC – batting first
1st Innings – positive, with Mihir, Howard making half centuries
Mihir – scoring all 50 down to 3rd man
Roche – refusing to buy Randall another pint before he bats
4 pints – apparently too many before an innings
Randall – out for 49
Gemes – deciding to ask for the sightscreens to be moved despite no other member of the game giving a shit about the screens
Gemes – out soon after
Justice – served
UWMCC – 260 odd all out
Bishopston – not getting very close
Post-game BBQ – Gun
Oppo – donating a bottle of tequila for fines
Fines – the same usual format but shots given as punishment
5 fines – 3 shots
4 fines – 2 shots
3 fines – 1 shot
Larks – elected as fines master
Fines – harsh
Mihir, J$ and Gemes– punished
Bottle – polished off fairly quickly
Golf Ball game – explained by Larks
GBG – essentially save the queen but with a golf ball
Golf Ball – kimming many unsuspecting clubmen throughout the evening
Lads – making their way home after a good day out
Bristol – dead on a Sunday night and most clubmen deciding on a few beers in
Love Island – causing a real rift in the camp

Many clubmen – up early due to fairly easy night last night
Plans – aplenty
Some – electing for escape rooms
Gemes – “good luck lads, even I couldn’t escape those”
Others – Electing to explore Bristol
Hall – Pushing for some more 10 pin action
Bex – deciding to sleep all day
Escape Rooms – gun
Team 1 (Randall, Chattle, Roche & Ozanne) vs Team 2 (Larkins, Gujar, Shah, Lippiatt and Son Jark)
The aim – to beat the other team out, within the hour limit
Challenges – too many, with secret rooms, magnets, UV lights and dictionary’s all over the place
Team 1 – victorious, escaping with 5 minutes left
Team 2 – losing, but still making it out of the room with 2 minutes left
Post escape picture – taken with the lads having to dress up in lab coats
Lab Coat – a sore memory for Chattle after his Einstein debacle
Chattle – “I dressed up as the worlds smartest man and I forgot to buy a ticket to circle”
Pints – needed
Randall – phoning Gemes, “mate that was so easy, we escaped with like 30 minutes left”
Bait – cast
Gemes – in denial, can’t comprehend that he has been beaten
Excuse – “I did mine with loads of dumb Bristol Uni football lads so I had no chance”
Nibble – more of a full blown chomp
Howard – revealing that his mate once missed a lecture because he sharted
Howard’s mate – a long lost member of UWMCC?
Evening T20 – planned against Bristol CC
Bristol CC – home to the one and only Jakey Probert
Probert – playing for the oppo
Ground – again, gun
Pavilion – complete with balcony
Evening – gorgeous
Thatches Haze – the drink of choice for many clubmen
Crine – “this stuff is pure nectar”
The Lads – batting first again
Bex – dicking it to all parts
Samay – swinging twice as hard, connecting with half as many
Probert – into the attack
Collapse – inevitable
Recovery – non-existent, not helped by the shambles that followed
Gemes & Roche – last wicket partnership
Roche – decides that he is going to attempt to be ‘funny’
Funny – an interesting concept
Definition – causing laughter or amusement; humorous
Roche – leaves/blocks the first few balls of the over and turns down an easy single, effectively making Gemes run a two
Gemes – yet again, becoming perturbed by this act with UWMCC in no position to block out a maiden in the 19th over of a t20
Crowd – laughing at Gemes’ anguish
Roche – by definition, funny
Roche – decides to block out the rest of the over, trying to pinch strike off the last ball of the over
Gemes – wise to Roche’s game turns him down, this time Roche effectively running a two
Crowd – no longer laughing
The pair – no longer funny
19th over – maiden
Last over – much of the same with each player trying to out block each other
Crowd – baying for blood
Gemes – storms off post innings
Roche – waddles off, thinking that he is the new Michael McIntyre
Choppy – “you made us laugh with an old joke, then you proceeded to stab the joke beyond death”
Gemes – potentially angrier than club day
2nd Innings – Bristol CC seem to be coasting
Jake Probert’s mum – scoring
Mrs P – asking Howard to stay close so she can ask him for bowlers names
Howard – proceeding to stand directly behind Mrs P for the rest of the innings like a bodyguard, occasionally blurting out various UWMCC bowlers names
Mid Innings Collapse – making the game interesting
Larkins – given twitter duties
UWMCC Twitter – Cricket through Larkins’ eyes
Cricket through Larkins’ eyes – interesting and not necessarily reflective of the game at hand
Adi – bowls a real maiden in the 19th over of Bristol’s Innings
Last over – UWMCC need 1 wicket
Bristol CC – need 4 to win
Probert – compounds Roche’s day by crunching him through extra cover
J. Probert – Judas
Bristol CC – singing he’s one of our own
PGP – the new PCP
PGP – post-game pizza
Fines – too many with UWMCC having to buy two bottles of spirits to ensure all members were fined accordingly
Fines – now also a method of pres
Mihir – somehow maxing out despite not playing
Probert’s Girlfriend – Birthday at the cricket
Cake – emerging from behind the bar
Howard – sitting at the bar with absolutely no idea what’s going on
Happy Birthday – being sung
Howard – in absence of all birthday etiquette remaining at the bar directly next to the birthday girl, not even singing
Larkins – “maybe it’s his birthday too”
Monday 3rd July – not Howards birthday
Proximity – a myth for Howard
Dick of the Day – no need for nominations as Jeremy Roche/Gemes take the honours
Wobbly Wicket – seemingly a fitting way for Gemes and Roche to settle their dispute and who will wear the dress
Gemes – far too competitive for Roche, sending him into oblivion with his superior spinning ability
The Dress – familiar to some, being the dress that Tasty wore to adoptions
Tour Party – departing and heading straight out
Mbargo – classic Dom tour destination
Mbargo – bang av but accommodating to hungry seshmen
Roche – wearing the dick of the day dress asks the bouncer “can I get in wearing this?”
Bouncer – “yes… but you look like a cunt”
Bex – laughing and agreeing with the bouncer
Bouncer – “don’t know why you’re laughing mate, look at your hair”
Lads – creasing
Mbargo – also seemingly the destination of a sixth form after prom
Crine – despite incredibly juvenile selection managing to pull
Roche – also managing to pull after donning the dress
Roche’s pull – a middle aged man
Roche’s costume – also making him look like a Muslim
Larks and Chattle – take a rogue trip out to the seafront on their way home
Larks – manages to scale a rigging
Rigging – could have been in a park, could have been on a ship
Larks – loose
Clubmen – making their ways home via various food outlets
Tour Guide Gemes – taking some to a burger joint
Some – making their way to a well named Jason Donnervan
Others – going to a more questionable looking Diamond Kebabs
Diamond Kebabs – unsatisfying to say the least
Night – Over

Tour party – taking an age to get up
Today’s offerings – The Ryder Cup of mini golf and cinema before the big final night out in Bristol
Meeting point – Nandos for most
Tee times – starting from 2pm
Lads – deciding to drive down to the venue
Driving – an absolute farce, with a 10 minute walk from the hostel somehow taking nearly an hour in the busses
Parking – proving a real kim to the tall mini-busses
Samay – after finally finding a carpark which the bus fitted in, decides to park straight across two spaces
£60 fine – valid
Ryder Cup – hosted by Jungle Rumble mini golf
Team Captains – Gemes vs Roche
Gemes – skippering ‘Europe’ made up of finalists and Randall
Randall – just fucking old
Roche – embracing American roots skippering the rest
Pairings – easy for Roche, picking people with similar interests with no regard for potential mini golfing ability
Gemes – making life much harder for everyone on his team, picking pairings based on form and technical ability
The course – two 18 hole minigolf classics with fourball being the format
Teams – making their way around their respective courses and holes
Competition – bubbling down to the last pairings with team Roche ahead on points
Choppy – definition of clutch, holes out for a 2 sending team Gemes and Son Jark
Team Roche – jubilant, disrupting many other members of the general public’s mini golf experience
Gemes – Tries to sit his team down for a debrief
Hall – “Get fucked Gemes”
Lads – headed to the cinema to watch ‘Baby Driver’ with student discount codes left, right and centre
Seating plan – decimated as many clubmen jostling for positon at the back-centre of the screen
Gemes – takes a seat in the row below everyone else
Gemes – pelted with popcorn, sweets, phones among other things
Gemes – moves miles away from everyone else to sit in solitary confinement
Film – decent
Female characters – sparking the chop vs wife debate
Many members – electing to walk back to avoid the bus journey again
Bex and Hall – sent to shop to gather supplies for the evenings event arranged by Randall and Gemes
Gemes – using his uni days to good use for once, securing a room for the lads to circle in
UWMCC – becoming UBMCC for the night to cut any ties with Warwick and shift any blame solely onto Bristol Uni
All Star snooker bar – hosting PCP and cutting deals with the lads meaning that a jug of purple only cost £10
Licencing laws – dictating that All Star can’t make us the purple but can serve us all the ingredients for us to mix together
Timmo – relishing the ability to add more squash to purple, deciding that the cocktail should now contain almost one third squash
Timmo – sort your shit out
Bex and Mihir – setting up the room with tables in the middle and sofas round the outside
Safety briefing – don’t chunder on the snooker table in the middle of the room
Toilets – alarmingly far away
Gentlemen – quiet due to concerns about local snooker players complaints
Muppet of the Week nominations – a plethora of nominees
Most – escape me
Guj & Larks – nominated for general Thekla whoppery, being kicked out after entering the same cubical in the toilets for substance related matters. Upon being caught by bouncers, the duo decide to put on an act that they were, in fact, gay lovers using the cubicle for sexual reasons. With the bouncers having none of it, the lads admit defeat and walk home
Samay – nominated for parking fiasco, topped by driving the wrong way round a one way system and ending up in a Bus depot
Further fines – awaited from Bristol City Council
Gemes – nominated for not escaping the escape rooms despite the apparent ease of the other lads
Samay – Winning and trying to work out how to don the two part dress
Circle – working surprisingly well considering the unfamiliar set up
Randall – able to sit and join in the circle only to his demise in cricket
Cricket – UWMCC achieving their highest score of the year in the mid 120s
Tasty – get fucked
20+1 – some good rules, with multiples of 4 being in reverse order and multiples of 5 being UWMCC members with baggies
Duck Duck Moose – great as no hiding place in the absence of Merriman and Millman
One Fat Frog – reaching round 4 for the first time this year
Tasty – get fucked
Back to Back – some great questions and pairings
Son Jark & Adi – nearly the same person
20+Choppy – providing the greatest challenge of the evening with many clubmen exposed for not knowing the whole song
The rest of circle – a blur
Circle – merely acting as pres for walkabout
Bouncers – incredibly lenient on the entry of some clubmen
Gemes – genuinely carried down the hill and into the club
Randall – straight to the bar with Larks and Adi
Jagerbombs – on tap
Larks – sends jäger
Randall – sends jäger
Adi – sends jäger
Barman – thanked for jägerbombs
Adi – Throws up all over bar
Larks and Randall – run
Adi – fatality
Walkabout – like marmite, loved by some and hated by others
Son Jark – asks if anyone wants to leave with him
Tim, Freddie and Chattle – accept the invitation as the sesh has caught up with them
Jason Donnervan – chosen post food destination
Son Jark – not keen on food, eyes up his mates and decides to sprint the mile up the hill back to the hostel
Son Jark – thinking he is escaping the capture of the lads
The lads – watching Son run up the hill in utter bemusement
Pit stop – made at another kebab shop which had provided Son Jark with pigeon like chicken the night before
Son Jark – pops his head into Diamond Kebabs
Son Jark – then sprints home
For the rest – Walkabout producing the goods
Further news – I’m at a complete loss
Timmo – wakes up at 6am to find Guj in his room
Guj – pissing on the wall
Guj – deciding to sleep with Adi
Adi – not a suitable partner as the lads have played buckaroo on him
Toothpaste – in Adis belly button
Ballo and Randall – returning home to find a random bint in Ballo’s bed
Chop gods – smiling upon Ballo this evening
Bint – not meeting Jarris’ description of “choppable”, however (i.e. you can’t put your arms around her despite owning a vagina) After lengthy discussion – bint was rightly there just in the wrong bed
Ballo – cya

Rumours – Gemes had passed out in Walkabout the previous night
Choppy – approaches the no longer dancing Gemes to check if thy sesh had truly claimed the self-proclaimed King of Bristol
Smell – shitty
Shitgate – surely not another clubman has been caught up in the shitstorm
Poo – confirmed
Gemes – later seen waddling home
The mighty – hath fallen
Breakfast – a challenge
Browns – appropriately named breakfast establishment for Gemes who decides that he needs a bloody mary
Breakfast chat – including Gujar thinking that scrooge was a cartoon duck
Boys – trying to explain who and what scrooge was
Guj – not knowing who Charles Dickens is
Guj – “so wait… Charles Dickens is Scrooge?”
Neil Scroojar – sort your shit out
Hall – somehow deciding that Bex would be a high ranking member of the Chinese Communist Party
Chairman How – not having any of it
Wednesday – moving day, a sad day for Gemes as he says goodbye to his adopted hometown
Bus – a chance for many clubmen to recover before the Cardiff leg of tour
Magic Chilled FM – not being talked over on the short journey across the Severn
Bex – burning rubber to get to Cardiff ASAP for no apparent reason
Hall – rattling off a story about how he once had BBC radio Wales “on a string” as he called in to the Rhod Gilbert radio show pretending to be a welsh worker on the bridge between Bristol and Cardiff
Jon Hall-Jones – apparently fired for voicing support for the introduction of card machines on the toll bridge
Story – ropey
Hall – chairing a fit off between Howard, Larkins and Ballo
Fit Off – essentially a competition of who can find the fittest facebook friend
Howard – excited, “get me involved!!”
Howard – panicking, nobody springing to mind and passes the first round
Fitties – plenty
Choppy – on his knees on the bus
Choppy – “I just want to send a slut, is that too much to ask??”
Lads – checking into Nomad hostel
Nomad – not as gun as Homestay but like any good bint, will get the job done
A wild Rooty – appears
Boys – exploring the city, eventually meeting at a park
Murphy – found wandering the streets of Cardiff
Bex – appearing with a rugby ball
Bex – “Jon you won’t believe it, there is the best stash shop in the world up there”
Jon – aroused
Jon – leaves park early to inspect
Back at the Hostel – Howard and Guj meet an aussie girl staying in the hostel for just one night
Aussie girl – attaching herself to UWMCC for one night only
Club Gary – ?
Howard – putting in the hard yards, wining and dining the lady, eyes firmly on the prize
Other lads – plotting
Live Lounge – destination no. 1 for the party due to promises of happy hour and live music
Music – gash
Happy Hour – odd drinks selection
Jon – opting for the house white
Murphy – becoming unbearable almost instantly
Murphy – tries it on with aussie girl despite having a girl friend
Aussie girl – like most women
Aussie – has standards
Gemes – deciding not to leave live lounge with the rest of the group, clearly with ulterior motives
Chopps – pulling a certified worldie named tilda
Tilda – haunting Roche to this very day
Tiger Tiger – the next stop on the seshtrain
Murphy – refused entry
Murphy – cya tomorrow
Double Vodka Bucca – pops its head out of its shelter
Hibernation – over as dom tour has returned
Locals – accent proving a real problem for the chirpse
Adi, Larks and Randall – looking to banish the ghost of yesterday
Jagers Round II – On the cards
Adi – Survives, celebrating by buying another round
Larks – sceptical
Guj – wearing the dress for last night’s antics, now sees his chance to try it on with aussie girl
Howard – intercepts, claiming that Neil isn’t the prince of Rajasthan like he claims to be
Jager lady – making her way around the club men
Jon – how much?
Jager lady – 2 for £5
Jon – that’s a rip off nobody will buy those
Randall – I’ll take 2
Jon – in denial but happy to take one off Randall
Randall – sends both
Bex – continuing club traditions of stealing anything not attached to other individuals in the club
Bex – stealing some sunnies off some shitcunt
Fight – brewing
Chattle – practicing his combos
Howard – disliking the idea of combat in front of his lady decides that now is a good time to go to the toilet
Howard – upon returning finds the girl getting with none other than…
Long Jon – a poor choice if she wants to walk tomorrow
Howard – in disbelief
Angels – last song of the night
Megamix – starting up on the way out/walk home
Chopps/Bex – asking a girl for an Eiffel tower
Girl – sorry you’re too small
Choppy – despondent, demanding a back to back with Bex to prove that they essentially the same height
Bex – smug
Jon – looking worse for wear
Chattle – “Jon are you okay mate?”
Jon – swings for Chattle with a left hook
Chattle – more despondent than Chopps
Howard – given Long Jon duties
Jon – decides he needs a wee
Jon – pissing dangerously close to a police officer
Howard – trying to usher Jon away from the scene of the crime
Jon – slips and falls over in a puddle of his own piss
Jon – “Oh Howard, fuck off, I don’t need you”
Jon – so wrong
Choppy – trying to gain entry back into live lounge at 3am to find Tilda
Bouncer – having none of it and throwing little Choppy Lawson out before he can get in
The lads – somehow finding their way home
Nobody – in the right room
Rooty – forcefully spooning Larks
Larks – having none of it sending Rooty to another room
Choppy & Rooty – scouting for survivors
Randall and Roche – the unfortunate recipients of a nearly naked Rooty and Choppy
4am – not an ideal time to be woken up by these deviants
Bex – nowhere to be seen
Enter – Gemes + Bint
Gemes – still remarkably sent, demands Choppy and Rooty vacate his bed for him and his Juan
Juan – introducing herself as Ellie
Choppy and Rooty – refusing to fuck off, taking refuge in the higher bunks of Randall and Roche, both intent on complete and utter chop stopping
Choppy – “did you come back with Seb because of his chat or for his rig?”
Ellie – only in it for the abs
Rooty – “Gemes, did you honestly think that you had a chance of chopping in a hostel room full of lads?”
Gemes – “I thought Roche would have been asleep”
Roche – “I would have woken up and sent you”
Randall – “Gemes I want to go to sleep, please fuck off”
Randall – proceeds to list the prices of all the rooms in the hostel for the new couple
Rooty – “£30 for a chop Gemes? That’s an absolute bargain”
Choppy – decides to give Gemes a time limit to complete his chop
Countdown – a fitting theme tune
Ellie – loving the chat
Gemes – not so much
Choppy – moving on to some of youtube’s finest offerings including John Cena’s theme tune, Eat da Poo Poo, How can you slap and of course, Allah au Akbar videos
Roche – conceding defeat and deciding to watch The Incredibles on his iPad with no headphones in
Gemes – finally getting Ellie on to his bed
Choppy – “keep your hands where I can see them”
Gemes – cant hack the chat, leaves to the toilet for a piss
Balls – presumably blue
Choppy & Rooty – sensing an opportunity, leap into Gemes bed after locking him out of his own room
Ellie – loving the attention
Gemes – banging on the door ever more aggressively
Gemes – “Any of you two being bigger wankers?”
Rooty – unlocks the door, revealing Gemes with a massive hard on
Gemes – not happy with the new arrangement, retreats to the absent Bex’s bunk to plan his next move
Ellie – clearly as sexually frustrated as the dancing Gemes, starting to fondle Choppy and Rooty simultaneously
Rooty – “mate, I’ve had more action off your girl than you”
Gemes – performs a five star frog splash off the top bunk, taking out the deviants and his juan
2 hours – shit chat and cock blocking successfully pass
Incredibles – finished
Randall – must have sent every insult in his armoury at the poor girl
Choppy – finally asking the million dollar question, “Ellie, why didn’t you just take him back to yours?”
Ellie – “Well, I thought that if he was a rapist and I came back to a hostel room full of others, the chances are that one of them would help me”
Logic – fucked
Ellie – had enough
Gemes – not even managing a sad wristy
See that girl – watch her leave
Because of – the dancing Gemes

Timmo – up early to survey damage
Many clubmen – still to be accounted for
Bexson – MIA
Jonny – MIA
Son Jark – KIA
Funeral planning committee – elected
FPC – including Choppy, Randall, Gemes and Gemes’ bint
Wake – lit
FPC – singing Son Jark Manuel to honour their fallen comrade
The light of day – allowing clubmen to see the Ellie in all her glory
Randall – finally giving Gemes credit that he’s only gone and pulled an absolute worldie
Bex – caught trying to creep back into his room not realising the carnage that has taken place the night before
Questions – soon being asked about where Bex ended up
Bogan Aussie Girl – emerging from a similar direction to the president
Bex – showing all his experience and has played the perfect waiting game
Aussie Girl –played her own game of UWMCC roulette and has gone all in on blonde
Blonde – has also gone all in on her
Gemes – taking notes
Hangover – too strong with the start of the test match summer acting as the light at the end of the tunnel
Hall – announces his existence by messaging the group with a local sports bar showing the cricket
Root – wins the toss and bats, a popular decision among clubmen
Rooty – would have bowled
Rooty – unbearable
Brunch – a chance for clubmen to catch up
Guj – shat himself
Shitting yourself – not even funny anymore
Jonny – being brave and going for the hair of the dog approach
1st pint – a real struggle but everyone knows the second pint is easier
2nd pint – no easier, Jon auctioning it off to the highest bidder
Highest Bid – Chattle with a game of pool
Larks – goes through Choppy’s phone and changes his name to ‘The Sesh’ in the contacts section
Larks – explaining the new rule that whenever ‘the sesh’ calls, Choppy must obey whatever ‘the sesh’ tells him to do
The Sesh – basically a dangerous game of Simon says
Ballo – snipes the 2-1 cocktail deal
Everyone – pairing up and sending them with ease
Barman – staggered at the number of cocktails he is making at 12pm
Choppy – refusing to join in as he is still feeling ropey
Incoming Text – ‘Long Island Ice Tea’
Choppy – ‘any’
Larkins – grinning as the sesh strikes
Murphy – watching the South African bowling attack, “I can bowl at least 70mph”
Murphy – shot down very quickly
Root – providing the afternoons entertainment with a class 184*
184* – actually enough to bring Son Jark back from the dead
Lads – returning to the hostel for continued pres
Ping Pong – the game of choice for many
Samay – a genuine table tennis bandit, sending all challengers
En route – the lads witness a genuine crime, with two absolute ASBO’s stealing bike wheels from locked up bikes and then running away faster than Samay claims he can run the 100m (7 seconds or something)
Roche – electing to stay in after last night’s lack of sleep, not realising that an early night will just result in being woken up at 4am, ruining any intentions of sleep
Live Lounge – round 2
Bouncer – checking ID’s not recognising anyone from the night before… until Choppy
Bouncer – “You see, I don’t mind letting you in at this time, but 3am is just too late”
Choppy – not amused, yet hopeful that Tilda has returned
Small contingent – opting for Walkabout instead of Live Lounge
Experiment – lasting half an hour
Larks – returning from the bar with a pint of sweet fosters, feels his phone vibrate in his pocket
Text – Wack it
Larks – in utter disbelief as someone has changed their name to ‘the sesh’ in his phone too
Larks – shrugs his shoulders and wacks
Bex – on the hunt for a UWMCC foursome
Some Girl – cornered and asked the question, giving the expected response of no
Reason – “you are way too keen”
Bex – “who me?”
Girl – “no… him”
Girl – points at Gemes
The lads – gutted, but asking the girl to rate them out of 10 to settle some disputes
Choppy – 7
Bex – 8
Gemes – 4
Gemes – wounded
Bex – plotting the utter destruction of Seb, finds a picture of the man, the myth, the legend… Sean Merriman and asks the girl to rate
Merriman – 5
Pandemonium – breaks loose as Gemes collapses to the floor
Merriman > Gemes
Ballo – deciding to take on whoever looked at him a VK race
Ballo – quick, sending most clubmen with ease
Club wide VK strawpedo – attempted
The search for clubmen – long and unsuccessful
The search – finding a shirtless Murphy out of nowhere
Bouncer – having none of it and asking where his shirt is, turning to the boys to see if they would help their mate
Murphy – no idea where or even how he lost his shirt, frantically looking at his mates for some help
Bex – running away, shirt in hand
Crowd – chanting ‘out out out’
Someone – “FINISH HIM”
Murphy – thrown out again, cya
Ballo – pulling a girl in front of her dad
Dad – great wingman
Girl – somehow the same girl that Bex asked for a foursome
Ballo – seen leaving with his new family
The night – drawing to a close, many clubmen officially over-seshed
Larkins – receiving a call just before leaving the club
Mysterious voice – “Guinness”
Larkins – performs a U-turn and heads straight to the bar
The Sesh – always lurking
The lads – for the first time on tour, leaving pretty much all together with the exception of Ballo and Murphy
Bexson – somehow acquiring both of Gemes’ shoes, one of which being used as an American football
Runners – sent down the parade, trying to evade defenders, a raging Gemes and the rest of the drunken population of Cardiff
Choppy Brady – finding J$ with a Hail Mary
Ballo – sending an SOS as somehow he has gained Murphy in his taxi back to his chops house
Murphy – reaching a new level of unbearableness to Ballo
Adi – finding himself with Guj on the walk home, telling him that he needed a wee
Guj – telling Adi to wait as the pair break into a hotel to look for a toilet
The Toilet – too hard to find
The Carpet – apparently good enough for Adi
Larks, Randall & Chattle – finding what only can be described as a 10 inch dildo outside the hostel in a pram with an empty sachet of anal lube next to it
Dildo – named Bilbo
Bilbo – taken on an adventure around Cardiff
The walk – taking what seemed an age to walk a total of about 100 meters to a park at the end of the road
Bilbo – kicked around the park before Chattle decided to place it ceremoniously on top of an 8ft pole
The Lads – parting ways with Bilbo, with ‘My Way’ by Sinatra being played in what was a poetic goodbye to the rubber phenomenon
The Sun – rising as the lads reach the hostel and conclude yet another rogue night and as the door opens, they are met by a naked choppy Lawson running away from Guj
Guj – also being chased by the hostel manager
Choppy – “MY COCK IS OUT”
Little Choppy – certainly out
CCTV footage – requested
Complaints – awaited

Morning – a myth
Test Match – medicine
Pub – re-used and abused
Barman – a nervous wreck, not ready to start making cocktails again
Alcohol – not on the menu
Ballo – returning and dishing out the news
Good News – chop confirmed
Bad News – the girl was planning on meeting up with him tonight at Pyrzm
Any Other Business – Murphy also slept at the house
AOB – Jon also managed to pot 4 balls off the break yesterday in a game of pool in which he continued to clean up and send poor Chattle
Larkins – sending a shot of tequila before midday courtesy of the sesh
Friday – completely unproductive as the week really catches up with the lads
T20 Blast – the evening’s entertainment
Hampshire – Gun
Vince – hits the first 3 overs for 50 by himself
J$ – “hey Murphy, Afridi bowls 60’s and he is way quicker than you”
Murphy – in denial
Chat – a sobering discovery that bar Goodyear, UWMCC is full of cricketing has-beens with many members peaking in their younger years
Ballo – readying himself for round two with his juan
Pryzm – final stop on the sesh train
Pryzm – huge
Clubmen – completely lost
Ballo – using the switch-like room to evade his girl
Murphy – trying to act as the unbearable third wheel in this fucking weird love triangle
Memory – ropey
Guj – probably doing something illegal
Adi – probably trying to distance himself from Guj
Bex – probably searching for a threesome
Ballo – probably chopping up again
Gemes – probably bottling another chop
J$ – probably being cynical
Timmo – probably just being a good bloke
Choppy – Staffufuliza
Jon – probably in a puddle of his own piss
Howard – probably not helping Jon
Son Jark – probably spotted swearing at local kebab vans
Chattle – did he even buy a ticket?
Larks – probably went to find Bilbo
Samay – probably trying to start a fight
Murphy – probably kicked out
Seb Sander – still nowhere to be seen
Most – going home before 2am
Tour – hurts

Early morning call – deciding third game between the lions and all blacks
Poor pub – re-reused and abused
Clubmen – everywhere, mainly passed out on sofas
Bex & Jon – wearing stash purchased from the local stash shop
Game – great, a 15-15 tie concluding a fantastic lions tour
Cardiff – also concluding for the rest
Drivers – looking sheepish, readying themselves for the long journey
Leamington – seeming a long long way away
Chat – who is the biggest loser of tour?
Poll – created
Roche, Samay and Gemes – all nominated
Loser off – the only way to decide who the real loser is
Jezza – winner of the loser off
Reality – we are all losers
Tour – completed it

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