Kraus, Moose – no clue how to set up the microphone, struggle
Pre pre drinks – Yeti abusing Hall’s hockey housemate, Kraus hitting the woodwork 6 times in one game of FIFA v Clobber, disbelief
Pre drinks – alarmingly empty until a sudden influx slightly inebriated clubmen
Kynaston – not realising it was black tie, rocking up to the fresh meeting in a casual jacket and chinos, having to borrow a grey suit last minute
Jaimin – just having a bottle of vodka to himself
Bowen – marine lid
Larkins – “Ive had 2 bottles of wine and I think that gets me a good level of drunk” in retrospect, a horrendously incorrect statement
Many clubmen – struggling with bow ties immensely
Otto – smacking his head on the toilet ceiling
Larkins – dropping a wine bottle cap on an unimpressed Clarke, Larkins too scared to pick it up off him
Harry Kane – schlotting home, jubilation for fantasy football
Povey – back from the dead
UWMCC – singing on the walk
Yeti – getting lost on the way to Victoria House despite being across the road from it
UWMCC – elation at the free drink deal
Nixon – stuck in traffic
UWMCC – outrageous levels of alcohol smuggling
Domino’s driver – telling Kynaston to clear up all the beer outside or he’s calling the police, absolute jouster
Yeti – defeating Swatton ‘comfortably’ in a wack off
Cooper, Swatton, Larkins, Yeti – sent long before Nixon turned up
Nixon – rocking up in his ECB jaguar
Yeti – hurling abuse the moment he walked in, another fight on the cards?
Swatton – inexplicably hurling his melon starter across the room
Jewson – following suit, nailing a perplexed Viper Afzaal in the face with melon from 20 yards
Larkins – totally battered, stealing peoples food and smashing a glass
Kraus – sweeping up to appease a pissed off waitress
Salmon – fucking tasty, whose idea was that!?
Nixon – “I have never ordered a veggie option in my life, but salmon?”
Swatton – uncontrollably sent, deciding to leave before he burnt the place down or whatever he does
Nixon – being bored by Cooper’s extensive cricinfo knowledge, calling him an badger
Cooper – seemingly boring himself too, falling asleep at the table, eyes rolling back in his head, zombie-esque
Yeti – hoovering up fudge brownies for fun
Nixon – dropping some big bombshells during dinner, notably that Chris Gayle is a big match fixer, and only 4 cricketers he met in a 24 year career were on the straight and narrow (not to be leaked to the media)
UWMCC – getting some questions down for Nixon, the finalists table feeling very mischievous
Denne – giving a brief speech, mentioning the east wing celebrations due to Russell Arnold’s shit commentary, how gun the salmon was, and why we need to appoint captains to avoid club embarrassment with whoppers like Cooper
Cooper – fast asleep
Nixon – great speech. The whole Pakistan team is fixing, Bob Woolmer and Hansie Cronje were murdered, KP has always been a prick but no one calls him out for it anymore hence the ECB meltdown, he’s also fucking incredible, Panesar looks like a fit bird from behind when de-turbaned, he once tried to light his hands on fire and got third degree burns the night before an England lions game but played anyway. He also thinks Yeti is basically Rob Key
Yeti – “I’m a better bat!”
UWMCC questions – Best Panesar story? He’s just gone rogue since his divorce. Are you mates with Shane Warne because you use the Belgravia hair centre? He genuinely nearly had a sponsorship agreement with a hair company. Is James Taylor in proportion? Non answer, we’ll take that as a yes, but he did say how gun Taylor is as a player. Thoughts on Lisa Ann’s retirement? No idea who she is, (liar). Shag Marry Avoid cricketers missus’? Shag Hoggards missus. Fredalo incident? He was the only player not to get battered that night, the next day he still got fined £1500. Freddie should’ve died that night, and was fast asleep during the team meeting the next day, Fletcher didn’t really care. Freddie was actually a bit of a loose cannon and wasted a lot of his talent by getting sent all the time, he should’ve been much better, but had a contract with the media to avoid bad press. KP was the better team player, shocking revelations. Etc (once again, not to be leaked)
Jewson – Freddie not quite the golden boy he thought, slinking off for a little sulk
UWMCC – pissed, getting their photos with Nixon
Cooper – interrupting all of Nixon’s conversations with more ESPN stats
Kraus – getting the mic for a big rendition of ‘everywhere we go’
UWMCC – all on the stairs to give Nixon a big cheerio
Cooper – suddenly bursting forward to vomit everywhere in front of the whole club and Nixon, mess
Swatton – having gone home, proceeding to go in the wrong bed and piss everywhere
UWMCC – dispersing, some off to a house party, some to Kelseys, some to Rio’s
Kelseys – meeting up with Liddle getting some eliminators in
Jewson, Howe, Liddle – singing S Club 7 in Kelseys
Rooty – desperate to get to Shades
Kraus – rocking up to Rio’s to see Cooper chatting up a granny seemingly wearing the Muppet of the Week dress and Howard being pinned up to the wall by an older lady
Howard – very uncomfortable
Kraus – deciding to save him and take us to Smack
Smack – actually a lot of fun
Hall – being a dick as per, throwing glow sticks at people
House Party – Denne reportedly being attacked by 3 men, and getting pretty fucked up, a brawl ensued
Police – rocking up, giving cautions to 3 blokes in question
Reynard – obviously sent, taking a piss on the police car and securing himself a big fine
Viper Afzaal – deciding to comfort a girl whose male friend was involved in the fight, eventually getting to a stage where he was comforting her with his penis, he strikes again
Denne – in hospital
Hall – in the park singing Sound of Music songs whilst prancing around
UWMCC – absolutely sent Cooper – In the dark of the night, slinking back to find his older lady friend. Rumours he was last seen going to the toilets with her…
Cooper – “OH STINKY BISHOP!”