UWMCCFC vs Lads on Toure

It was a highly anticipated clash for UWMCCFC as they took on the notoriously dreadful people and reigning intramural champions, Lads on Toure. Hopes of a UWMCCFC victory were shortened by the absences of Messrs Povey, Gould and Platt, UWMCCFC’s three best players. Furthermore, they lost another key recruit in the shape of Jonny Gonszor, who has now realised he ‘can’t get shit faced and not sleep and play cricket and football’, who turned up complaining of a migraine. With Matty van Howe absent, Mr Gonszor ably stepped into his shoes and took over the management of UWMCCFC. Fortuantely he did better than Birmingham’s caretaker manager on the same day.

With Gonszor’s absence, Jack Jewson partnered Kieran Rowe at centre-back, and these two formed a solid partnership at the back almost instantly despite Jewson’s protestations that he simply couldn’t play centre-back. A special mention must go to Kieran Rowe, who recently had surgery on his knee and despite ‘every jog hurting’, played a full 60 minutes leading the defence. Even though it felt that UWMCCFC were sturdy at the back, the stats would lie as they went 1-0 down within about 10-15 minutes. Unfortunately I literally can’t remember the goal so just make it up in your own head.

Whilst UWMCCFC didn’t have a lot of the ball, we did look very dangerous going forward, especially the pace of Liam David and Joe Livesey. Robert Clayden also was a real bright-light after his horrendous first touch for UWMCCFC last week, with excellent two-footed wing play on the right hand side that would have Pavel Nedved purring with delight. Most notably this was true with a right footed cross after renowned cunt and Tennis Social Sec, Jack Hilton had declared Clayden ‘had no right foot’, putting it straight into the path of a surging Liam David who blasted over. However, after a corner to the front post and a powerful header, Lads on Toure went 2-0 up. Your humble roving reporter repeats his claim that perhaps Mr Kraus should have been pressing the Y button.
At half-time, Gonszor embarked on some tactical changes looking to exploit our pace against their sluggish defence, Liam David moving up top. It appeared to work instantly as Joe crossed to Liam who somehow missed a header from the six yard box. However, the chances kept on coming for UWMCCFC, Clayden finishing Lukaku style this afternoon, making it 2 in 2 for our new lanky winger. Hall managed to maintain his record of over three years of competitive football without a goal after letting one slip off his boot at the back post from a free-kick. With stand-in-skipper Hall and Hasnain Khawaja effectively breaking up Lads on Toure’s play, UWMCCFC were beginning to think that a result was very much a possibility.

However, a very good individual goal from one of the opposition’s player meant that it was 3-1 with under ten minutes to play. After Clayden netted a header at the back post after some excellent wing play from (someone), UWMCCFC had four minutes to salvage a draw. It was at this point where the Lads on Toure skipper told renowned cunt and Tennis Social Sec, Jack Hilton to ‘fuck off’, due to him being completely shit at football despite giving such an incomprehensible amount of chat throughout the game. Shortly after, Liam David was hacked down (much like Joe had been all day, see his extremely bloody knee, so extreme credit to him for continuing to play and work so hard), Kraus was sent up for the free-kick by Gonszor. The free-kick somehow landed at the feet of Jack Jewson on the half-volley, about 12 yards out… Was it meant to be? No. Scuffed wide, deflected out for a corner. After the keeper claimed the corner, he booted it down the other end, and a Sittampalam header was about all that stopped UWMCCFC conceding another with Kraus still wallowing back to his goal.

It finished 3-2 but enormous credit to every UWMCCFC player for an extremely gutsy performance, where we could quite easily had got a draw. I think I speak for everyone who played that we cannot wait to meet them in the playoffs, with a boosted squad, so we can wipe the smile off of their faces and let our football do the talking. Hall was left questioning the childhood of renowned cunt and Tennis Social Sec, Jack Hilton, post the final whistle. A considerably improved performance than last week and a return to normal intramural football next week!

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