UWMCCFC vs Lads on Toure

Federer vs Nadal, Liverpool vs United, Sebastian Coe vs Steve Ovett, James Hunt vs Nicki Lauda, Yeti vs Moose. These are just some of the fiercest sporting rivalries in modern times, but arguably these pale in comparison to the great occasion of a UWMCCFC vs “Lads” on Touré football match. This fixture has seen tempers flare on many occasion over the last 18 months, and this cold Wintery night on the Tarkett pitch looked to be no different. However, there was a moment of relief as it appeared renowned cunt and ever present 12th man Jack Hilton would not be present, the man capable of swaying referee decisions from the bench.

After a typically brief warmup, consisting of booting the ball as hard as possible at goal, the game was underway. From the off it appeared the UWMCCFC were going to be tough to break down. A strong defensive unit consisting of Wood, Moose, Hall and Jewson were keeping the set pieces out and restricted Twats on Tarkett chances to a minimum, leaving Kraus with little to do in the first half. There was one bright moment for the UWMCCFC, a well worked move, granting Nish a free shot on goal within the box, but as is often the case with our players it was sent sailing over the bar, a 3 pointer if ever I’ve seen one. A sad truth emerged during the first half, the ref had unfortunately forgotten his cards. ToT were delighted to find out they couldn’t be booked, and committed a number of terrible professional fouls before the break, the dynamic Livesy the unfortunate recipient. The ref could only look on helplessly and ask them to stop. What a whopper. (Editor’s note: the referee never made it clear that he had forgotten his cards, merely that he stated to one Lads on Toure player that “if you do that again, that’s a yellow” before doing it twice more, no yellow. My comment would be that surely he’d have the cards otherwise the threat would be some (poorly judged) pokerface. Back to the narrative…)

Half time came and we were looking the stronger side, particularly at the back. Gaffer Van Howe delivered his instructions and we were off again. ToT came at us immediately, Jewson was seemingly blown over the gusty breeze and the striker was in, Kraus was drawn into a smart one on one save to keep the scores tied. Kraus’ enjoyment at his own save was increased by the fact the ToT goalkeeper leaves a GoPro in his goal, and that save will be on the internet somewhere. The breakthrough came shortly after, Sam Platt curling in a gorgeous free kick from deep, onto which Beauclerk pounced and glanced into the far corner. Dat French connection. Nothing wrong with parking the bus and then scoring a set piece. The UWMCCFC unit remained solid until about 5 minutes to go, when a nice through ball was slid through our defence, and the striker dispatched the chance well. The ToT celebration suggested they had just won the World Cup, in fact it might have warranted a booking had the ref remembered some fucking cards.

The last 5 minutes was a sequence of frantic end to end attacks, only slowed down by the fact all 4 match balls had been sent out of the pitch, leading to lengthy delays. ToT began to show their twattish nature, the goalkeeper taking a good minute over every kick, and one of their strikers actually pushing Kraus over whilst he took a kick from hand, absolutely bizarre. Alas, the game ended 1-1, probably a fair result after good performances from both defences, and shockingly there hadn’t been a single fight/scuffle. Well done to the lads, a strong performance to build on as we enter the knockout stages!

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