UWMCC vs Warwick CC

A couple of things change about the Indoor league fixture this week, neither of which we were too keen on. For a start, the UWMCC were no longer playing against the easy opposition we’d hoped, as they’d pulled out, meaning we were now playing our arch-rivals Warwick CC (see the last two match reports against them to find out why). On top of that, captain Clobber had organised his team including a certain tour sec, who pulled out at the last minute leaving us with no driver and no keeper, with only one space to fill. The decision was made that we’d rather utilise a makeshift keeper than a makeshift minibus driver, and club captain Oli Thornley stepped in at the last minute to save the day.

After the tradition of JP being the last to arrive carried on, we made our way to the Connexion, with Thornley at first being over-cautious but quickly turning over-zealous with the fabled love truck. In spite of all of this commotion, we arrived early enough to have a warm-up, but nobody present had the heart to tell the five year olds playing football on our pitch to gtfo. In the end, we settled with tossing up and getting underway promptly (a decision that we’d later thank ourselves for) and as the skipper approached the greasy, slimy, cheating, low-life scum of a human being that was the Warwick CC captain, Clobber was still unsure of whether to bat first given our considerably gun VI, or to bowl first an ensure victory. When the little shit on the other team called tails, it took one look at the queen’s head staring at me from his sweaty little hand to convince me to try and absolutely smash them, consequently leading to a bowl-first scenario for the UWMCC.

Opening up the bowling, Clobber was tight from the off but did not look like taking any wickets, so after JP’s similar second over, it was up to Nish to change his own 100% losing rate for the UWMCC. Unfortunately, despite another good over, Warwick CC were at 22-0, and JP needed to make something happen. Perhaps it was because this was one of the more boring games he’d ever seen (or maybe that it was absolutely plumb) the umpire (who was actually quite good this week) decided to trigger their opener off a pretty weak appeal. Finally, Jono’s lack of catching behind the stumps (without gloves to be fair) was made up for. In walked their absolute twat of a captain, but only to square leg umpire, so it was time for a bit of Gujar in the attack. Neil’s first over only went for three runs, and after JP’s good figures were spoilt slightly by a couple of nice shots in his final over, Gujar was asked to continue steaming in. First ball of the seventh, a ball bowled with good line, length and swing did the trick perfectly and the other opener nicked off, speeding to where Gujar had been standing the ball before. Unfortunately, it was now Clobber in the gully position, but after a small miracle and a bit of juggling, the ball was safely held. Clobber came back on to bowl the eighth at the captain, and was rewarded with a very similar wicket to the last, after a smart catch from Gujar at gully.

Having had nothing to do so far, it was only fair to include Thornley in the wickets, who had been ever so keen to have a bowl. A quality first ball swung in a mile to clip the top of off, and after walking off, batsman number five for Warwick CC was called back by none other than that complete whopper of a captain from the non-striker’s end. Why? Because the captain wasn’t looking. Cue protests from Thornley, Hobbs, and even the out batsman himself. The umpire admitted he wasn’t sure what to do (and since they’d only actually managed about 40 runs by this point) so Clobber gave the benefit of the doubt to the cheating bastard and play continued. Four balls and three runs later, with the captain on strike, a carbon copy of Thornley’s first ball collapsed the off peg and the captain was left walking off to a very sarcastic comment from Clobber ‘I don’t think he was looking that time either’. The final over of the innings saw two caught-and-bowled chances taken by the skipper, who managed to cling on to both of them despite a bit more juggling. Warwick CC were all out for just 55 and the battle was all but won.

Needing only 5.6 an over to win, Jono and Nish set out to see the game home by themselves, and very nearly got there. However, on the first ball, Warwick CC’s captain twatface had other plans and bowled it whilst Jono was still taking guard. Striking him on the upper arsecheek, Jono thought nothing of it, and even after the umpire said ‘lol that’s never out mate’ the opposition had a small tantrum whilst Jono awaited the first legitimate delivery. By the end of the fifth over we were at 40-0 courtesy of some wides and some fine shots, but Nish felt bad for Gujar and gave him a bat by missing a straight one. Jono and Gujar saw the rest of the game off, winning with 14 balls to spare.

Since we’d dispatched Warwick CC in record time, we decided to play a mini game of our own for the remaining 20 minutes. Two batsmen, two fielders, a bowler and a keeper, with so many methods of dismissal it certainly wasn’t one for your average. With play interrupted due to a water bottle incident, Thornley took Clobber’s turn with the bat and that really wasn’t fair, but I feel like I’m getting sidetracked now so I’ll stop. We returned home jubilant after discussing JP’s extra chopportunities he gained by having an identical twin (apparently they never tag each other in/out?!?) Looking forward to next week when we play some other whoppers. Cheerio.

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