“so hang on, hang on… what if someone identifies as an apache helicopter?”
Chat – addressing the real issues in the world
Merriman – “my training didn’t extend to that”
Trans Sec Training – inadequate
Exec Meeting – overrunning by nearly 40 mins due to circling issues next week
Womens Hockey – snaking us massively meaning that downstairs CR1 is almost inevitable
Proposed Rouge Bar circle – no thank you
The Rest – chicken wing session round 2
Murphy – making sure he remains undefeated by schlotting 40 wings early doors
Nobody else – up for the challenge
Murphy – “this isn’t the only thing I reckon, I’ve done the most of”
Lads – confused
Murphy – “I once wanked 9 times in one day”
Harry Collins – rogue input into the gamble pot as he turns up with some guacamole
Gamble Pot – deadline day themed
Timmo – sweating as Lucas still hasn’t signed late into the day
Timmo – also sober circling due to antibiotic resistance to sesh
Brownsey – fresh from his first ever night out on Monday, keen to lose his circle virginity too
Brownsey – messaging Randall explaining that he only wanted to do 4 pints as he had an important day tomorrow and he wasn’t a big drinker
Randall – ‘not how circle works mate’
Roche – table seal this week
Circle – square shaped this week
Roche – still round
GENTLEMEEEEEN!!! – whopping
Randall – running out of words to describe Gentlemen
Ferdi – holding an incredibly high pitch throughout
MOTW – a nice variety this week
Southern Jono – nominated for post Kasbah strife. After a BIG kassyB on Monday, many of the fresh (including Randall) went back to Jono’s in AV2 for some post sesh bant etc. and proceed to wake up many of the corridor with loud antics in the kitchen. Already fairly unpopular in AV2 (cheers Dyson), the UWMCC boys seem not to have learned their lesson as one of Jono’s flat mates comes out and starts filling a bin liner with all of his kitchen stuff. Jono, stood helpless, laughs it off with his pals but realises that he doesn’t really know this particular flat mate and as he leaves he turns and says ‘you aren’t getting this back’. In the morning, Jono goes through to find the stuff unreturned and is unable to eat for the whole day. Inconvenient, but so worth it.
Adi – nominated for essentially being an international. After a big night out, Adi returns to find he has lost his wallet. For most, this means cancelling a few cards and maybe losing some cash but for Adi, he lost something more. Much more. Adi lost his visa. Now this wouldn’t normally be an issue as he could just order a new one but Adi needs a copy right now so that he can go on Darbados. In the absence of this, he either has to drop out or pay a hefty £600 premium fee to still come. Sake.
Louie – nominated for being Louie. After a long chirpse with a group of surprisingly attractive females at KBah, Louie decides that there is safety in numbers and takes them all to the bar for a drink in the hope that one sticks. As he turns around to order 5 VK’s and pays for them, he catches the eye of some other clubmen and gives a triumphant wave and points behind him. The clubmen seem confused as to who Louie is pointing to, as when he turns around there is just one lad there eager to help Lou with his drinks. The girls had scarpered, leaving Lou to himself for the rest of the night. So much, in fact, that he realised he was the only clubmen left at 4:30am and had to pay for a cab back by himself. Oh Louie.
Winner – a close one, but Southern Jono just pipped Louie on the decibel reader
Dress – proving difficult to get on
Nish – made to wack for jeans
New Game – 20+1
Gamble (Murphy) – serenade a girl in circle
Murphy – pleading that it was too early for that
Everyone else – knows it’s never too early to start the chirpse
Murphy – sent away to find a girl
UWMCC – watching an unsuccessful attempt before getting on with the game
20+1 – sorely missed
Standard – quality
New rules – 1-10 reversed, multiples of 3 are animals beginning with ‘B’ and of course, table wacking
Roche et al. – voluntarily taking regular 4 in a row hits
Randall – finding it funny until he realises his pints are on that table
Badger – getting an absolute battering with 3 people in a row using it and being kimmed
Murphy – returning with a girl who is forcefully sat down in the middle of circle
Some – expecting a strip tease
Others – expecting a poem
Nobody – expecting “hello” by Lionel Ritchie
Murphy – really doing himself justice with no half measures
Girl – wetter than Niagara Falls but not because of Murphy
Brownsey – arriving late for his first ever circle wearing full cycling gear
Brownsey – “I couldn’t find circle so I went round the whole of the su asking where you guys were”
Brownsey – also not believing people when they told him it was shirt and tie and instantly regretting his decision to wear all his cycling kit
Randall – making him wear his helmet for the first session and double early doors, eating into the promised 4 pint limit
First Pint – taking about 2 minutes to go down
New Game – 3man
Gamble (fresher Oli) – La Decima
Fresher Oli – a daunting prospect although a good effort, missing out with a decent time of 10:91
3man – another welcome return with Turner and Ferdi going big
Randall – going round and placing stacks for everyone
Fresh – stitched
Choppy – saving up 18 fingers and waiting until someone hit him before unleashing hell
7 – approximately the number of seconds between each Turner “THREEEEEEEEEMAAAAAAAAAAAN”
Game – allowed to run due to fun being had by all, cute
New Game – Tinder
Gamble (Owen) – 1 min plank
Darb – a genuine hindrance to the plank, essentially lying down the whole time
Pint – precariously placed on a shirtless Owen
1 minute – becoming 1 hour for the big man
Jarris – hiding his shirt on a vent high above
Owen – tries to look up to see how much time is left and sends his pint all over back
Tinder – matching basically everyone
Pints – quickly diminishing
Recess – needed
Clubmen – opening a cubicle door to find Owen in a bad way
Owen – “have I made a mess?”
Chunder – covering the entirety of the cubicle
Timmo – rejoicing as Spurs finally get Lucas
Brownsey – in a world of trouble wandering round aimlessly still with his cycling helmet on
Men – directing him back to his seat for round 2
2nd Session
Roche – doubling as per
Debate – should he triple this week after no double at club meal?
Judge Turner – understanding of Roche’s struggles and keeps it to one
New Game – Reverse Sherwin Ball
Super Gamble (Ferdi) – DJ Khalid (Bad)
DJ Khalid (Bad) – after much deliberation resulted in Randall having power to call ‘another one’ after any of Ferdi’s wacks
Ferdi – also having to double as punishment for further aspects of the ‘bad’
Another One – straight away
Ferdi – disappearing
RSB – crazy to regulate
Rav and Sood – matching ridiculously regularly
Sood – wacking to ‘Hey Sood’ by the Beatles
Toby – left high and dry and doubling
Sash – nailing people with fucking midget gems
Millman and Rajakanthan – always on their fucking phones
Randall – dishing out pints for phone in circle on at least 3 separate occasions to the pair
New Game – PLD
Gamble (Wack Jallows) – Giroud’s Wife
Giroud’s Wife – as everyone knows, Giroud’s football career is dictated by his Mrs and therefore Mallows must get his juan’s permission every time he goes to the toilet
PLD – gun
Aragog – becoming a legend among the fresh after going clutch on a 4-3 comeback
Square shaped circle – making for some interesting bin placements
Ferdi – running away when selected for the team
Randall – waiting until Ferdi’s return and making teams of 7 and 8
Circle – infuriated with Randall’s counting ability
Randall – enforcing the numbers and screaming another one as Ferdi finishes his pint
Misses – all over the shop
New Game – Kraus’ Cricket
Gamble (Choppy) – 1 min challenge nominate2
Choppy – managing 3 with 9 to nominate
Chopps – unable to nominate due to a sesh induced coma
Kraus’ Cricket – Fresh the cause of an early collapse
26-6 – all fresh victims
The resurgence – down to the legends that are 2nd/3rd years
Recovery – short lived as UWMCC stutter to 49 all out
Ferdi – fucking up and as Randall calls another one, he taps out
Randall – not allowing the tap out unless Ferdi took the pint to the toilet and did it straight away
Ferdi – throwing up more pint than he drank, but still giving it a jolly good go
New Game – ICICN
Gamble (Ridge) – Jamie Vardy’s having a party
Ridge – sent to get 2 vk’s and a shot of vod
ICICN – fruity
Merriman – claimed on 11 Akon songs and just as he is about to concede defeat, Thor throws a ping pong ball into his pint
1 – becomes 2 with no justice
ICICN – others including club virgins (all of us), clubs we could do a social with downstairs and mispronunciations of Ivan’s name
Roachy – claimed on 13 and reels off John, Peter, Frank, Sam West, Craig etc as in his eyes they are all mispronunciations of Ivan
Recess
VK’s – becoming more and more popular by the week as many will take to drastic measures to hide them
Men – trying to get some time out but realise that retreating to the sofa’s near golf somehow radiates more sesh
Ridge – stumbles into the toilets and sees Randall pissing
Ridge – ‘Oh fuck is circle over??’
Randall – ‘no its recess mate??’
Ridge – overwhelmed with emotion
Timmo – contemplating whether he could do his 3rd session circling on coke
Coke – deemed harder than purple to wack
Boz – noticeably absent from circle again
Wack Jallows Girlfriend – texting Jack back asking why he needed her permission to go to the toilet
Mallows – really struggling so calling her pleading that she gives the go-ahead
3rd Session
Choppy – allowed to nominate his pints from previous gamble
Choppy – going for club wide destruction with no doubles
Ridge – also completing his Jamie Vardy gamble, opting for an interesting VK, Vod, VK, technique
Golf – launching a shirt from their shit shirt circle in no particular direction
Shirt – travels over some heads and proceeds to knock one of Turners pints over
Pint – flips over in a complete 180 and lands big side down, still holding half a pint of purple inside
If you don’t believe me – fuck off it happened ok
New Game – Black Black White
Gamble – The Nish Powerplay
Nick Hill – going mental
Nish – eyes wider than Tasty with this new found power as he bounds over the table
GEN
TLE
MEEEEEEEEEEN
Nish – opting for the broken down version
Nish – ‘Who wants a Randall’
Many – fooled into throwing their arms out
Nish – explaining that Randall now had that many to nominate
Merriman – 2 lol
Lewis – also hit with a double
Gamble (Tasty) – Peter Odemwingie challenge
POC – much like Odemwingie a few years ago, Tasty must head to another circle under false pretences in order to try and force through a move, and upon the request to leave he must politely decline and see how long he can stay in the circle
Mens Hockey – target
Tasty – schlips In relatively unnoticed
The Wait – begins
Meanwhile – BBW with an element of speed
Nish – having some rules of his own as he flies round at great pace stitching everyone at some point
Jarris – missing his mate Tasty so decides to windmill until he came back
Nish – sees Millman on his phone again and fires a double his way
Millman – St. Ruggling
Items – being thrown into circle but not affecting the crazed Nish, intent on sending as many people as he could in his short time in control
Black Black Black – controversial as help is required
Curtis – Absent as he is slaying in HistSoc circle
Son Jark – absent as Meado has smuggled him to shades yet again
Circle – turning into chaos
Nish – looking to Randall to take control
Randall – loving the slug life insists that Nish play another game
New Game – 1FF
Gamble – unknown although probably heroic
Fresh – still shit at 1FF as 2nd round not completed yet again
Nish – can’t comprehend the fresh incompetence
Search Party – going to check on Tasty’s progress
Tasty – day 2167, has taken the role of charities sec in mens hockey in order to gain the trust of his new peers, way too deep into his cover story now as he is pretending to know all the games
Randall – taking back control of circle and immediately sending half of circle as they don’t have pints
Micro-Circle – speed 20+1
Gamble pot – missing
S20+1 – genuinely quick, seeing many off until the final few
Timmo – sober and rinsing his fellow players
Others – hatching a plan to kim Tim
Tim – hurt by the actions as he wacks and leaves
Final – Tasty v Randall (best of 3)
Tasty – somehow making the final even though he lost 3 times during micro circle and yet kept brandishing pints as new lives
Tasty – taking a 2-1 victory and leading men downstairs in his celebration
Megamix – farcical
Fresh – inviting bints into megamix to the sheer anger of the non-fresh
Ferdi – a complete state basically crashing into anyone he can find in megamix, being a complete liability and being a complete Turdi
Megamix – sacked mid Jerusalem
Pop – raided
Curtis – found looking like hes just come from a funeral
HistSoc – essentially a wake not a circle
Keiron Patel – heading over to his ‘cousin’ and proceeding to get with her all night
Jarris – continuing his efficient pop streak of birds despite basically being married
Jarris – just an awful human being
Bint – coming over with a real sense of entitlement and not taking to Roche’s chat very well
Bint – throwing a bit of VK over Roche
Roche – not to be outdone, launches a pint of water at the girl, completely drenching her
Thor – despite finding it hilarious, tells Roche to apologise and slaps Roachy across the face
Roche – more like Carl Froche at this point, seeing red and taking Thor to the floor in what seemed like a WWE staged fight
Fight – becoming less staged by the second as each fighter has the other in a headlock
UWMCC – laughing but realising it’s a bit more serious than first thought
Fresh – running away to avoid conflict
Fight – eventually broken up and after much debate the two lads buy each other a drink and get the fuck over it
Meanwhile – Tasty steals a shark hat off some guy at the front of pop
The bloke – angered tries to take it back but Tasty is convincing him that it’s his own, using the fact that he’d overhead the guy saying that he’d bought the hat from a shop in Cov for £5.99
Tasty – manages to convince the guy that it is in fact his hat although he would sell it for a good price
Bloke – offering £20
Tasty – accepting
Tasty – dirty business
Louie – goes up to Owen to try and help with the chirpse
Bird – sees Louie coming and pegs it
Owen – sad
Poowie – scaring girls away since 1997
Brownsey – sending a video of himself to Seshmore, cycling back to Earlsdon completely smashed
First Circle? – completed it mate