“Look, I think we should just decide not to throw up in the bins or throw any chairs or tables for at least two weeks”
Lewis – the most hypocritical man ever?
SU – finally worked out that cricket don’t actually play cricket in the winter and the proposed move down to CR1 is on the cards
Lewis – suggesting that we are well behaved for a couple of weeks in an attempt to make cricket incognito
Exec – in agreeance as CR1 is shit
PCP – gun turn out as many men decide to write off their Thursdays again for yet another term
Gamble Pot – Ashes themed, with many gambles written with disappointment rather than anger
Lippiatt – back for some week 1 mayhem
Turner – selected as table bitch in what is now a very structured table off
SU – deciding to create a register with social secs names on it in order to regulate the number of people setting up
Turner – not on the list but gets up anyway
Duncan – ‘how many are you expecting tonight mate?’
Randall – ‘about 50’
Duncan – ‘ok, you can have 6 tables’
8.3 people per table – fucking unrealistic, especially with some substantial Christmas darb on show
CR2 – filling up with incredibly excited seshfiends
Rumours – Dan Lewis already buying and hiding VK’s in first session
15 mins – spent on trying to work out how to fit so many into the small circle
GENTLEMENNNN!!! – grande
Sash – turning up to circle sporting a new haircut resembling Manny off of Ice Age
Lewis – predictably forgetting the MOTW dress from last term
MOTW nominations – saucy
Nish – nominated for carnage at clink, deciding when last orders were called to drop the mic as he leaves… using a pint glass which shatters everywhere. Upon being removed, Nish decides to try his luck in smack at 2pm before finally settling for Altoria as it’s the only place that will let him in. After all of 5 minutes in Altoria, Choppy decides enough is enough and the pair set off home and after Choppy has attempted to put Nish to bed on many occasions, he hears a loud bang in the night and as he goes downstairs to investigate, he finds Nish passed out after walking into the fridge. Liability.
Choppy – nominated for acts against humanity. At Christmas, Choppy had all the family over for lunch and the little Lawsons enjoyed a fantastic spread. Towards the end of the meal, Chopps looks up to find his nan attempting to cut up a tissue on her plate and eat it. Not wanting to cause a fuss or embarrass her, Choppy just decides to let his nan make her way through a whole tissue without any intervention. Poor Nanny Choppy.
Louie – nominated for a bit of a shit internship. As Louie is working over Christmas, he is put on mail duty within this law firm, quite an important job due to the nature of the mail that needs to be sent. Louie decides to go to the toilet one day however has a bit of a mare with his wiping and manages to leave the toilet with some poo still on his hands (wtf?). He proceeds to complete some of his mailing duties but not without accidently leaving some shit on a few envelopes which are about to be picked up by the postman. Upon realising that these letters had a few questionable smears on them, the postman enquires as to who was responsible and with all heads turning towards Lou, there was no escape.
Louie Millman – forever changed into Pooie Mailman
Wack off – Pooie vs Choppy
Pooie – takes the crown despite the complete fabrication of the story by Tasty
Arriving – a fresher clobber look a like
Fresher Clobber – definitely has the hair but does he have the speed to match?
New Game – 20+1
Gamble (Toby) – “I’m not fucking leaving”. Instead of tapping out of circle, Toby’s whole table must now stand up and scream “I’m not fucking leaving” before wacking a pint and then being able to leave circle for the first session.
20+1 – off to a flier with 4 in a row with some devious plotting by Kulkarni
2018 – new year, new rules… or not as table wacking is enforced
8 man tables – meaning vast collateral damage
Adit’s table – feeling the wrath as circle manage to keep sending it back their way
Adit’s table – no longer present after just 5 mins of circle, with 4 consecutive fuck ups
20+1 – fairly uneventful after that
New game – Black Black White
Gamble (Dyson) – James Vince Slip Cordon
JVSC – in honour of James Vince and his incredible ability to snick off seemingly at free will, the standard slip cordon is reversed as 1st slip had 3, 2nd has 2 and 3rd has 1
Turner – unlucky son
BBW – eventful due to 2018 flipping a couple of the rules as the fresh return to complete guesswork
Lippiatt – “Black… Black… Twelve…?”
Howard – so wrong
New Game – Tinder
Gamble – David Boon Challenge
DBC – in ode to the great record set by David Boon, circle would have to waterfall their way to 53 pints
DBC – a good gamble for a 20 man circle, not for a 50 man circle
Tinder – many matches
Super Like – Lippiatt and Sander
Romance – dead
‘IM NOT FUCKING LEAVING’ – northern Jono stands up and wacks his pint before launching it at the floor

Many – realising that the Christmas break does nothing for their drinking ability as a few have already reached struggle city
Roche – regretting day 3 of the 5 night bender
Roche – also hoping that everyone has forgotten about his sentencing from last term
Everyone – remembering the various disservices done to them by Roche last term

2nd Session
Roche – completing the first of 10 doubles across the term with ease
New Game – PLD
Supergamble (Owen) – Steve
Steve – a fucking awful gamble created by Murphy, entitling Owen to 5 doubles to nominate
Supergambles – dead?
Murphy – still fucking unbearable
Owen – yet again picking on his fresher comrades in fear of making 2nd/3rd year enemies
PLD – good standard in the new year as Team Tasty schlot a 5 in a row
Team Randall – also hitting a 180
9 darter – any of?
Nick Hill – capping a fine victory with an incredible trick schlot
New Game – ICICN
Gamble – Fresher Carabao Cup
Rounds – aplenty
Randall – taking part as a fresh
Rory – winning on multiple goes but being kept in by Turner because he is ‘too nice’
Final – Toby vs Rory
Back a Winner – everyone backing Rory
Rory – sends Toby comfortably
Toby – ‘wait so I won?’
Randall – ‘…yeah you just won the slowest fresher’
Toby – letting out an almighty merrimanesque OOOOWWWHHHHHHH
Toby – rewarded with 5 pints to nominate for his victory and sends one Rory’s way
ICICN – standard with ashes tons this series, UWMCC members to appear on Badger’s Hour, Footballers with at least 50m transfer fees and good looking clubmen according to choppy
Good looking clubmen – a very select few
Gamble (Mallows) – Upstairs Downstairs
UD – in recent light of potential CR1 circles in the future, Mallows has 1 minute to run downstairs and get to know as many other clubs as possible. Every club he can name correctly results in a pint to nominate
Mallows – sprints downstairs to find all other circles packing up for the 10 pm pop start
Mallows – runs back upstairs and just starts guessing clubs
Quidditch – don’t circle
Mallows – 4 to nominate
Timmo – hit with a double
Timmo – doesn’t care anymore after ending his 6 year relationship
Timmo – reckless

Bird – news filtering through that he has invited his juan to Warwick this week only to lock her in his room while he goes to circle
Bird’s bird – caged
VK’s – an incredible number being hidden around circle
Lewis – hiding one in his sock
Randall – hiding 2 in his blazer
Golf – victims of the first CR2 cull but smuggling their way upstairs after they have been told to pack up downstairs
Thoughts – turning to how UWMCC can smuggle 50+ upstairs later in the term
Operation Sneaky Sneaky – maybe a bridge too far
3rd Session
New game – Cricket
Gamble – Fresher 1 min challenge
Target – 50 between 21 with Randall and Ballo joining in as fresh in an attempt to increase sesh levels
50 – not reached with a valiant 46
Toby – having an absolute stormer tonight decides to do 2 of the remaining 4 pints
“IM NOT FUCKING LEAVING” – southern Jono forgets that the gamble ran out in 1st session as he gets up and wacks
Randall – spying a misplaced VK in circle
Krish – trying to deny all knowledge of the VK but failing to fool anybody
Cricket – a poor start leaves UWMCC 2-2
Millman – ‘well that’s Stoneman and Vince gone’
Randall – quickly setting parameters of under 50 is a double for everyone
Recovery – questionable
UWMCC – all out for 59 and needing to improve to receive the all-important performance sport status
New Game – One Fat Frog
Gamble (Nish) – Rainbow Wack Off
Nish – electing Howard as his opponent with almost the entirety of circle backing Nish to take the win
Howard – sending Nish with ease as circle are stunned into silence
All – wacking in appreciation of Howards effort as he leaves for an ‘epic’ chunder
Golf – starting a chant in appreciation of Howard
UWMCC – realising that the chant was similar to the international cock or ball song, start chanting it back
Golf Pres – decides to play cock or ball for his first ever time
Golf Pres – into the middle of circle and wacks out both balls
Circle – creasing as he hasn’t grasped the nature of the game
Golf Pres – ejected
1FF – poor with many thinking that we are still playing 20+1
Nick Hill – “Into”
Ozanne – “The”
Sash – “Lake”
Nick Hill – losing his shit
Roche – simply rubbing his darb every time that he was the word “fat”
Louie – absolutely sent at this point after a distinct lack of veggie options at RGS
Cheeky Thor – having a intriguingly quiet circle despite his recent win
New Game – Speed 20+1
Gamble – RIP Jins
RIP Jins – a farewell to the 12th man of UWMCC, after they are being kicked out of cannon park for a new shop owner
Roche – genuinely crying
Fresh – still don’t even know what Jins is
Gamble again – please
Gamble (Howard) – The Old Boy Powerplay
Randall – checks gamble to see the words Exec vs 3rd Boat race written down
Howard – a liar and a cheat
Bouncer – making us pack up then
UWMCC – too sent to notice as they head downstairs for the first megamix of the year
Megamix – excellent turnout with the classics nailed
POP! – stormed by many clubmen eager to make 2018 their year
Tasty – feels a warm sensation on his arm and looks down to find his jacket absolutely covered in chunder
Culprit – a mystery
VK races – aplenty with many completing strawpedo training camps over Christmas
Randall, Tasty & Choppy – entering into a sex position competition with some members of Lacrosse outside and comfortably sending them
Tasty – insistent on demonstrating how to plough a girl against a wall
Bouncer – concerned for the welfare of the poor recipient
Howard – beginning the long chirpse process with Tasty’s old housemate
Tasty’s old housemate – really making her way around cricket now, basically becoming the cougar from Blue Mountain State
Toby – after a new PB at circle decides to try his luck with a girl who looks great from behind
Chat – swift
Pull – begins
Olly Warwick – can’t believe his eyes as he beckons the crowd over
Toby – getting off with a full blown transvestite man who didn’t even look like a trannie
Beer Goggles – unfortunately don’t have the ability to change a man into a woman
Owen – propositioning his flat mate to the whole of the club, offering a cash reward to get with her
Rory – probably obliging
Turner – up to the same old tricks with his go-go gadget arms trapping a plethora of women
Turner – drinking a stupid number of jager bombs over the course of the night
Randall – trapped by the womens cricket social sec who shall remain nameless and confronted with even further fall out from the end to the incredibly brief fling
Randall – looking for help and looks up to see many UWMCC members perched around rouge bar watching intently
Popcorn – absent due to the lack of welfare stand
Inth – managing to hop in and save the day
Mihir – inconsolable after not being able to find anyone to dance with him for the 3rd straight hour
Louie – walking round asking girls ‘Adidas or Akuma’
Louie – chirpsing anyone that said Adidas
Louie – abusing the rest
Pop – drawing to a close
Term 2 – only just beginning

HTML Comment Box is loading comments…