“I’ll probably only have a couple of pints tonight… maybe 6 or 7… or maybe I’ll just go straight home after circle…”
Tim’s Maths exam – evidently not a priority
Circle – always the priority
Murphy – making his CR2 comeback after nearly a term off due to stupid chemistry
Chemistry – the only actual word in the English dictionary to describe the gamble pot writing committee
Dale Winton – RIP
Adoptions – lurking around the corner with all but 2 families left to be named
Speculation – unbearable
3rd Years – smug
Sash – managing to get the SU to buy back 11 of the 12 tickets he managed to buy due to the glitch in the already fucked up ticket buying process
Timmo – disappearing off to RGS for some ‘supplies’ in an attempt to have his last bit of fun before impending death next week
Thor and Ridge – selected as table bitches for a potentially busy week 1
Week 1 – not that busy with no Lax or Mens Hockey for the first session
Randall – sourcing a 2nd bin in order to complete his odds from tour
Odds – stand in the bin for the entire first session
UWMCC – vowing to stop the game of odds for good
Lads – arriving to find the SU using near double sized pint glasses despite the presence of normal sized pint cups
GENTLEMEEEEN!!! – so good that Ridge uses it as cover to strip off and begin his lost odds of circling in nothing but underwear and club tie
Socks and Shoes – allowed alongside a bumbag
Lewis – “hahahaha somehow you will still be wearing less next week”
Fresh – petrified
MOTW nominations – a real plethora
Aragog – nominated for being an absolute pleb. A large contingent of UWMCC made the trip to the Duke to watch Liverpool in their latest European conquest with the Women’s cricket Pres’ 21st party planned after. Many fresh turn up at the duke with some drinks for later but all put them in bags under the table and, like normal people, go to the bar and order drinks. Aragog is not a normal person. He pours himself a small glass of dark fruits and quickly attracts the attention of a rather riled barman.
Barman – “whats in the glass mate?”
Aragog – smug
Aragog – “dark fruits mate”
Barman – we don’t sell dark fruits in here… get out
Norther Jono – hiding his rather large self-poured whisky and coke as Aragog heads to McDonalds to sit out the last 75 mins of the game
Owen – nominated for some questionable debit card action. Owen managed to spend around half an hour on the phone with the bank earlier, arguing that his card details had been stolen and that his most recent purchase of £40 worth of Cypriot Porn was not actually him. Niiiiiiice Gary.
Mihir – nominated for some Roche-esque tour organisational skills. Over the Easter break, the newly founded UWMCC performance squad completed a pre-season ‘cricket tour’ to Cambridge. As Mihir is the most organised and efficient person in the world, he can’t even use the excuse that the weather was bad as the squad paid £150 each to net 5 times in 3 days. To top it off, Mihir made the whole tour party stay in a travel lodge while he travelled home to stay for free, while Taha, who lived only 15 mins away, had to pay and stay in the hotel. Chandrakfarce.
Sash – nominated for buying 12 tickets for week 1 pop.
Intentions – good
Business acumen – lacking
Krish – nominated for the story that just won’t go away.
“Krishan – deciding that he wanted some cheesy chips on the way home and approaches a random bloke near Daddys
Krish – “do you do cheesy chips mate” despite Daddys clearly being closed
Bloke – “yeah mate, $10 US dollars”
Krish – handing over the equivalent of £8.40 for some cheesy chips
The bloke – just walks off having mugged Krish right off, clearly not an employee of Daddys”
(Randall, 2018)
Cheers – split
3 way wack off – a real welcome back to circle
Mihir, Aragog and Krish – brown down off
Aragog – losing
Owen – brandishing a 3rd new dress of the year after his darb claimed the last one
Owen – “my mum chose this one”
Mrs McCausland – neglecting her sons darb and still opting for a fairly slim dress
Fines – dished out
Louie, Jono and Randall – no longer getting away with the “jheano’s” excuse
Sash – fined for his loud, Hawaiian style short sleeved shirt courtesy of odds
Ridge – nominated for no shirt… or trousers
New Game – 20+1
Gamble – Ridge flings his arm forward
Circle – suddenly electric with the presence of Guantanamo in the gamble pot alongside the serenade a girl in circle and a gamble involving a run to RGS
Ridge – all of a sudden not only basically naked but very nervous
Tension – building
Gamble – Premier League Darts, any
PLD Gamble – overriding the 20+1 game planned in order to utilise Randall as a backboard for schlottage
Randall – threatening to personally claim revenge on anyone that throws a cup with even a drop of purple in it
PLD – uneventful with only about 4 cups being schlotted all game
Threat – just about working
20+1 – finally played
Rules – multiples of 6 are snooker players playing in the world championships, Adoptions Family Wacking
Adoptions Family Wacking – families are in a chain apart from the last two un-revealed families, who are in a chain with themselves
Fresh – evidently not snooker fans
Mihir – getting stuck and just going with “Ling”
Om – getting stuck next round and also just saying “Ling” despite not hearing Mihir
Ridge – standing up to wack and getting kegged
New Game – Face Down Arse Up
Gamble – Slip Cordon
Choppy – 1
Lewis – 2
Louie – 3
Louie’s triple – taking longer than Northern Jono to get off the mark
Face Down Arse Up – a variation of the more common FDEU
Murphy – the only true member to embrace the position as the rest of circle just play FDEU
1st Round – no matches resulting in a double rolling over to 2nd round
2nd Round – no matches either, resulting in a triple rolling over for the final round
Choppy – “lets spice things up, everyone look at the ugliest person in circle”
3rd Round – Owen and Choppy matching and tripling
New Game – OneDie
Gamble – Fresh 1 min challenge (start of 2nd)
OneDie – a surprising, almost crazy number of 6’s being rolled with many pints being nominated around circle
Tasty – rolling a 3 before looking around to check if anyone saw
Everyone – seeing
Tasty – no longer able to play the system
Table – legs giving way and collapsing
The fake corner – brilliantly saving the table and all pints sliding off
Merriman – completely oblivious to the impending disaster, going ahead and rolling a dice on the table, now with a 32 degree gradient
Merriman – rolling a 3, cue the groan
Recess – needed
Olly – re-appearing from the toilets suddenly with an XXL shirt instead of his usual medium
Eyebrows – raised
Owen – soon following him out of the toilet in Olly’s medium
Medium – most certainly too small for Owen as he can’t do any of the buttons up or even lift his arms above nipple height
Penultimate family – released by Lewis, revealing Om, Crine, Krish, Rory and Ivan as the poor members of Nish, Choppy and Chattle’s family
The lads – absolutely rejoicing that they had all avoided the family of death still to come
Randall, Aragog, Southern Jono, Sash and Adi – all saying their goodbyes as Tasty, Dan and Roche all huddle together in the corner and laugh menacingly
2nd Session
Fresh – completing their 1 min challenge
22 fresh – target 52
51 – achieved
Turner – commending the effort and offering to do the final one
Game – Kraus’ Cricket
Supergamble (Turner) – Ball Tampering
Ball Tampering – in ode to the recent Aussie scandal, Turner has the opportunity to pick one person’s pint and tamper with it as much as possible before they have to drink it
Bird – the chosen one as he has an Aussie name
Turner – disappearing to the bar with Timmo
Kraus’ Cricket – off to an awful start as Thor starts with a confident “to my left, block”
Ridge – stationed to Thor’s right, blocking
UWMCC – somehow -1 for 1
April decks – doing all sorts as UWMCC all out for 59
90% of the wickets – fresh
Turner – returning with Bird’s pint, complete with shots of vodka, Malibu, Bacardi, ginger and cayenne pepper
Bird – wacking admirably
New Game – Duck Duck Moose
Gamble (Rav) – “I am not retarded”
Rav – having to go to the bar and order two shots of rum using only the words “I am not retarded”
Success – resulting in two shots of rum to nominate
Failure – resulting in Rav doing the two shots of rum alongside a double
Rav – off on an adventure with Owen as supervisor
Olly – using the Easter break to seriously speed up and fend off all challengers
Turner – demanding that people fill their pints to the line, despite the pints being basically a double already
Speed – woeful for the rest of the game
New Game – ICICN
Gamble (Murphy) – the me vs Dan Lewis Rainbow Wack
Murphy – gutted
Lewis – even more so
Back a winner – in play, with very few backing Murphy
Northern Jono – standing up and proudly announcing that he is backing his soon to be family head
Murphy – notes the support before getting absolutely sent by the VK-King
ICICN – People to have made it to Pop after adoptions, past and present IPL Franchises, Sash Abbassi’s nicknames and countries affected by Daesh
Kieron Patel – sending 12 IPL franchises out of the 13 to have existed
Kochi Tuskers Kerala – who?
Ivan – attempting to name people to have made it to Pop post adoptions only to be told that nobody makes it to Pop post adoptions
Tasty – rhyming Sash’s name to 12 other words before finishing with “the guy who’s sister got shagged by Goodyear”
Mihir – trying to name 18 countries affected by Daesh
Mihir – “Somalia?”
Dan Lewis – a clear terror expert, “NO THAT’S AL-SHABAAB YOU IDIOT”
Tasty – to the tune of “al-Shabaab”
Circle – curious
Tasty – “al-Shabaab, al-Shabaab, al-Shabaaaaab….. bombing Tripoli” to Sit Down
Turner – standing up and continuing the tune but to the new Tim Ozanne song
New Game – One Fat Frog
Gamble (Lewis) – La Decima
Lewis – joining an elite club with a glorious 9.88
Turner – screaming SLAAAAAAAG and wacking for his troubles
Rory – “into”
Rav – “the”
Ridge – “pond”
Harry – attempts to say splash but instead opens his mouth and chunders everywhere
Recess – called as circle nearly dies with crippling laughter
Harry – running to the toilet and projectile chundering all over the door
Bouncer – stationed by the sneaky sneaky stairs somehow not seeing
Lewis – announcing the final family and confirming that there would be no survivors
Taylor Weeks – claiming that if hockey enter a team in the newly re-vamped E&Y cricket tournament they would win
Taylor – clearly hasn’t heard of the Merriman Express
Owen – “somehow Rav managed to order the shots of rum”
Bar staff – improving
Rav – “I know Ridge hates rum”
3rd Session
Ridge – given the rum shots
New Game – Mexican Wack Off
Gamble (Southern Jono) – L+R Magic Roundabout
Rav & Mallows – the unfortunate duo
SJono – generating some serious velocity
Mallows – somehow managing to pour half his pint in the bin as he spins past
Merriman – unsurprisingly losing Mexican Wack Off, vowing to complete his tequila next week as the bar have run out
New Game – Drinking Splat, which shall now be known as Randall’s Splat
Gamble (Sash) – Sesh or No Sesh
SoNS – a variation on the fans favourite Deal or No Deal, with Sash selecting a cup with a piece of paper on it at random before eliminating 3 other cups, and then having the option to swap his cup with the final cup
Sash – selecting the middle one, before eliminating ‘nominate triple’, double and single
Randall – calling in and offering a double
Sash – “No Sesh”
Randall – offering the swap
Sash – giving the people what they wanted with no swap
Randall – revealing that sash could have won a nominate double before Sash reveals his winnings
Winnings – a triple
Sesh Abbasi – accepting his fate
Randall’s Splat – eliminating many circlers before the final game
New Game – Speed 20+1
Tasty – beating Murphy in the final as the pair turn around to find everyone has gone downstairs
Megamix – loud
Odds – somehow making a return immediately after being outcast from circle
Harry – giving odds of 30/1 to jump over Rouge bar and headbutt Kate Wood
Harry – matching on 4
Rory – “just leave it mate you don’t have to do it”
Harry – “but it’s odds” as he jumps over and nuts Kate Wood before running off
Harry – now banned from pop until the end of term, stupid fresh
Murphy – asking to be shown how to smoke by a bunch of non-smokers
Murphy – “how is this addictive? I just feel the same… the only difference is I now have cancer”
Ridge – resurfacing with clothes on for the first time
Olly Warwick – spotted with no tie on
Lewis – somehow sending Roche a message at 11:12 from his bed in Leamington
Lewis – either got in an uber driven by Lewis Hamilton or left before the end of circle
Louie – stealing a girls phone before messaging himself from her phone, chirpsing himself
Lou – proceeding to go around showing everyone that he was being chirpsed
Turner – now basically in a relationship with the girl more commonly known for sucking Gemes off in the disabled toilets
VK races – running riot
Fresh – enjoying their last free Friday before the Gods have their ways with them
Probert – making serious moves on a girl
Merriman – catches Probert cheating on him
Mez – deciding to cut all ties from UWMCC and join UWWCC
Louie – claiming that he got with 5 girls in one night
The Same Lou – picking up Ridge’s girlfriend and spinning her around before dropping her and running off
Ridge – pretending to go after him to apprehend Lou, catches up with him front left
Louie – decides to kiss his way out of it, by getting with Ridge
Many – going home before the close
Many – won’t make it that far next week