The Final Chronicle – The Handover
It’s a cold Wednesday Morning and Tasty is tucked up in bed. Having just watched a top 100 WWE steel chair hits compilation on YouTube to prepare for his impending first appearance in a year on the outside of circle, he makes 2 sudden realisations:
1. He is a week late for mupdates
2. Tonight is his last appearance as Social Sec for the UWMCC
As a mixture of sadness and excitement hits his stomach, soon to be replaced by a sweet mix of beer and cider, Tasty realises that he is not the only one feeling like this today. In fact, over the course of history, there have been thousands of exchanges of power, following a procedure known simply as “the Handover”. With sweet fuck all to do, Tasty decided to use his Wednesday morning to delve deeply into the annals of history, searching for the most famous examples of “the Handover” in order to give his fellow gentlemen an idea of where the UWMCC Final Circle traditions come from.
It turns out that the first recorded exchange of power dates all the way back to the origins of the world and the original power couple on campus, Adam and Eve. God, having just created humanity, gave Adam and Eve free reign of the Garden of Eden and all that it had to offer, essentially making them the first co-Presidents of the world. They were given one rule, not to eat any of the Apples of Eden. Having just smashed back a couple of bags of Uncle Ben’s Express Rice, Eve was feeling particularly parched. Adam bought her some water, yet this did not quench her thirst. Adam bought her some wine, yet this too did not quench her thirst. Then, out of the corner of her eye, Eve spotted it… the most glorious apple hanging from a tree. “What if we don’t eat it Adam. What if we juice it, add sugar and allow it to ferment?” Adam pondered on Eve’s thoughts and agreed that such a plan wouldn’t have officially broken any of God’s rules. As such, Adam began production of the first batch of what is now to be known as ‘Cider’. A week later, the cider was ready for consumption and with such a level of anticipation; Adam and Eve bolted the first pint without a second thought. Out of nowhere, God appeared and was less than pleased with his presidents. “I’m sorry Mr. Chair, but we haven’t officially broken any of your rules”, said Adam. “I refuse to let you keep this job on a technicality”, replied God and with a swift wave of the hand, both Adam and Eve were exiled from the Garden but more importantly, removed of their presidential power. In urgent need of a new President to rule over his land, God whipped up his human 3rd creation and named him Michael Gove. He gave him the powers once held by Adam and Eve and after a swift handover period, balance was restored and Gove was in the Garden.
However it is not this origin story where we get our great circle tradition. It is instead the famous time period of 1845 – 1865. During this 20-year period, the US had no fewer than 6 presidents. Disheartened by the extreme turnover of the presidential position, Congress decided to introduce an annual dinner whereby all presidents, past and present, who were alive were forced to attend. The first of these dinners was held on April 15th, 1865. Building on the great Arthurian tradition of the ‘Circle’, Congress began proceedings by introducing a drinking rule known simply as “Chain Wacking”. The concept was simple, if any president was to drink at any point, then all men who held the position after him would have to drink an equal amount. As lethal it sounds, the reality is even more so. Within an hour of this circle beginning, at least 5 ex-presidents were in the recovery position. However, it was poor Abe Lincoln who was suffering the most. As the newest of the presidents, he was forced to drink on every occasion and sadly, by the end of the circle; his liver had suffered too much. Despite incorrect claims that he was assassinated at the theatre, the reality of the situation is that Abraham Lincoln was indeed assassinated on the evening of April 15th, 1865… assassinated by Purple. From this point onwards, there was a noticeable increase in the number of 2 term presidents and the popularity of the Chain Wacking drinking game also noticeably increased, a tradition most famously adopted by the brave men of the UWMCC.
(Tasty et al. 2017)
Term time – coming to an end
Sports Ball – a gun night
UWMCC – still not working out the magic recipe to surviving, some underseshing, some overseshing and a very select few riding the sweet sesh wave all the way to the end
Hangovers – looming heavily for pretty much everyone
Bexson – still heard telling everyone within earshot that it was indeed him who sorted out the wine situation
Bexson – “and then I told her to check the CCTV”
UWMCC – using Wednesday as it should be… to prepare for the sesh
Take aways – being put away to pre-emptively help with post-pop survival
Weather – sweaty
U1 – a cesspit of BO
Guj – making a complaint about chosen seat positioning on the U1, “good idea lads sitting by the engine”
Guj – with much to learn despite being a finalist, discovering the merit of the back of the bus as the fresh air filters in through the windows once the bus exceeds speeds of 11 mph
SU – once again making circle a 7pm start
4 hour POP – just too long
PCP – large from the get go
Brebbo – arriving for his final UK circle experience
Brebbo – promising that he will do a Skype circle next year despite it being 7am in Aussieland
Nish – discovering that he doesn’t have a ticket despite initial belief
Tasty – trying to communicate to Guj how to get Nish in via operation Sneaky Sneaky, especially after the success of the technique the prior week
Nish – not quite understanding the details of the plan, “Why would I want to go to the Dirty Duck? I want to come to circle”
Tasty – having to return to setup circle, leaving Nish in the hopefully capable hands of Guj
Circle – massive
Somersby – back in stock
Gemes – ready to get fucked up once again
GENTLEMEN!! – gun
Nish – finding his way in
Circle – complete
MOTW – nominations aplenty but escaping my memory on the whole
Merriman – nominated for true whoppery. Deciding post night out that he needed to withdraw some cash, Merriman placed his backpack by his side. After getting a crisp 20 from the machine, Merriman once again picks up his backpack and returns it to his back, only to realise that he misjudged the weight of it. Off balance and with the gravitational pull of the backpack proving too much for poor Sean, he falls to the ground in a comical heap.
Dan Lewis – nominated for ditching Sports Ball with the lads in favour of spending his time on a beach with his girlfriend, building sand castles and posting wet instagrams
Boz – nominated for wearing a short sleeve shirt and rightly so
Gemes and Bex – nominated for reasons that escape me, but everyone got on the bandwagon and cheered regardless
3-way wack off – Bex, Gemes and Merriman
Loser – obvious from the get-go
Merriman – donning the dress
Gemes – made to wack again for his trainers, when will he learn
New game – Roman Numerals
Gamble – Brebbo Appreciation Wack
Brebbo – given the power to go around circle and reveal whom he appreciates as a bloke. Anyone appreciated made to wack
Brebbo to Adil – “I don’t know who you are but I appreciate you”
Gemes – Strangely appreciated, being forced to do his 3rd pint already
Roman Numerals – quickly introducing some complicated rules
Table Wacking – obviously introduced early doors
I to X – reversed
Randall – creating an ingenious rule (with the aid of long Jon), forcing Howard to say XII regardless of who was meant to
Howard – dealing with the rule well
Table wacking – suitably sending everyone already, Gemes a set of purples down early doors
New game – Face Down Eyes Up
Gamble – Rainbow Road (fucking finally)
Rainbow Road – an unbelievable gamble (created by myself and Roach), essentially combining a rainbow wack with a running race, on a track as treacherous as Rainbow Road itself
Course – designed to test all aspects of the competitors, sending them over couches, between circles and down stairs
Competitors – Roach, Bozza, Ballo and Turner
Race – a dangerous affair, with real competition to get over the first steeplecouch, Bozza took an early lead however as the lap 2 got underway, Roach established his dominating lead that never ceased.
Roachy – the victor despite his darb giving him a disadvantage
FDEU – literally a time filler whilst we waited for the VK’s to be purchased
Gemes – the target of literally every round
Tasty – “We’re gonna play a new game”
Bozza – “What the fuck we only just gambled”
Bozza – wishing FDEU went on a bit later
New game – 1 Fat Frog
Gamble – Left and Right Magic Roundabout
Bexson – one of the victims
Circle – pleased
Bex – sadly sending his pint quickly enough to avoid most splashback
1FF – played early enough that we actually reach round 4, a club record for this year
Session 1 – heavy
Session 1 – over
1st Recess
Recess – lengthy
Recovery – needed
Gemes – already on his 8th life
2nd session – eventually underway
Gentlemen – raucous
UWMCC – definitely the main presence in CR2
Super Gamble – Ballo – Double Hulk Challenge
Ballo – bravery not being rewarded
Good super gamble – ‘re-roll’
Ballo – essentially fucked whatever he picked
Hulk double – 3 pints of Green VK mixed with purple
Ballo – struggling but managing his way through
Dan Lewis – walking through the middle of circle and rainbow flicking his cup into the bin… magical
New game – Danny Williams PLD
Bin – the new, smaller style that has been evading shlottage as of late
Game 1 – showing some impressive scoring, 4 in a row being hit for the first time in weeks
Kinners – wanting to nominate them all to Gemes
Tasty – showing some mercy, restricting Gemes’s allowance to 1
Other games – returning to shit scoring
New Game – Cricket
Gamble – 3rd Year 1-Minute Challenge
Randall – smiling, having been behind that one
Tasty – allowing them to delay until 3rd session, considering the amount of pints just consumed in DWPLD
Cricket – losing first wicket for less than 4 runs
UWMCC – eventually capitulating for around 80
New game – Duck Duck Moose
Hall – “Tasty, that’s a world class choice you’ve really peaked for your final circle”
Tasty – getting a most unnecessary ego boost
Gamble – Fresh 1-minute challenge
Randall – no longer looking pleased with himself
3rd session – looking ready for some serious pint consumption
Duck Duck Moose – starting off with Turner
Turner – being a good bloke, getting Tasty into the game and being suitably sent by said Tasty
Turner – dropping his aspirations and sending Roachy
Merriman – eventually targeted as expected
2nd Recess
Recess – quick, pintage needing to get back to
1-minute challenges – various
65 pints – the requirement between the fresh and 3rd years
New game – Reverse SB
Gamble – Overseas Boat Race
Brebbo – allowed to pick a team of people deemed as ‘overseas’ (we aren’t racists) and pick a team of natives to race them
Brebbo – picking J$
J$ – “I’m fucking british”
Merriman – obviously selected for the native team, despite being designated ‘Brown’ on his passport
Overseas – winning the race, utilising the speed of Boz and J$ against the slowness of Merriman
Reverse SB – standard, not much else to say
New game – speed 20+1
Gamble – Roachy – finger up the bum wack
Roachy – nominating Gemes to do a pint whilst he tries to finger his bum
J$ – “we’re not rugby”
Gemes – already having issues before, let alone now when a seal is trying to anally rape him
Gemes – eventually making it through
Tasty – “we’re gonna gamble again”
Hall – “World class Tasty, world class”
Hall – obviously loving circle
Tasty – regretting his decision as the gamble is unveiled
Gamble – the Big Tasty vs. Gemes showdown
Showdown – Gemes and Tasty going pint for pint until one gives up
Competitiveness – off the scale
Gemes – already struggling after 2 but continues after getting the crowd going
Both players – reaching 5, Tasty maintaining speed but Gemes just too stubborn go give up
Gentlemans agreement – to stop at 5, Mutually Assured Destruction ensuing if they were to continue
Tasty – allowing Brebbo to take circle, the pints hitting him fast
Circle – wrapping up quickly post this
POP – beckoning
POP!
Megamix – big
Tasty – departing mid way to retrieve his blazer
Turner – not needing to be asked twice to take over
Turner – booted out the middle upon Tasty’s return
Cricket – in force at the front
POP – sweaty as fuck
Tim – doing as he does every week, get fucked up and dance
Tasty – getting his darb out in order to regulate his temperature
Roach – red faced, needing to find water like the other seals of the world
Bex – trying to convince Goodyear’s housemate to sack off her boyfriend for Goodyear
Gemes – loosing his shirt and searching high and low for it
Bex – having it the whole time
Randall – having a politically charged chat with Tasty about the future of the club
Randall – “I think we need a strong and stable exec. We need to negotiate a hard ‘Brexson’”
Bex – ditching the boys for the Chronicles of Farnia
Ballo – somehow chipping his tooth, “I don’t think that I’ll be able to find the rest of it in the morning”
Ballo – introducing Tasty to his mate as the South African overseas pro of the club
Tasty – maintaining a class accent, having the bloke fooled
Bloke – having a twin
Twin – able to see through the ruse and ruining it for all else involved
Randall and Brebbs – not thinking 2am is late enough, staying on the piazza until almost 5am chatting away
Choppy Lawson – probably gone home with another married woman, what a cretin
Thursday morning – fucking awful
Hangovers – serious
UWMCC – looking for some respite
Roach – still looking for water
Bex – still looking for his dignity
Ballo – still looking for his tooth