Nathan and Jabzy – danger of being late to exec meeting
Both – not looking forward to getting called out by the others
Oh wait – as the next bus comes at 5:35pm they see the one and only Sash on the top deck
Concern – no more
Sash – loves being late to his own meetings
Finally – meeting attended at 6:10pm
The 1s – getting the news that they actually haven’t been relegated due to a technicality involving Lboro’s 3 teams
Yes – fuck off Cov
Nathan – desperately wanting free booze at the games in the summer bought by the club’s money
Nathan – another alcoholic
Parth – yet again digging out Fraser for looking like Sid from Ice Age
Essex – continually digging up other exec members
Owen – notices his actions and explains how karma can be a bitch
Come season time – we will see
Meeting – completed with plenty of time left?
MT and Jabzy – off to go a spaff away their money on pool
Jabzy – winning with ease through the first
MT – also 5 balls back on the second game
Owen – takes the opportunity to bet against MT
MT – then proceeds to make the comeback of the year as Jabzy misses out on a few chances
Jabzy – now hanging his head in shame proceeds onto doing the gamble pot with Owen and Essex
Essex – “I’m not here for input”
What – are you here for then?
Owen – coming up with a couple sensational gambles that are slotted straight into the cup
Jabzy – cautious of how many spares were wanted hires Bird to do tables with him as well as Shiv
Shiv – bin specialist back at it
Shiv – also providing charity pot for today’s circle in aid of Huntington’s Disease Association, Big Up
Tables – non-existent anywhere near wear we usually circle
Bird – not even able to secure any
Shiv however – always delivers
Jabzy – in a panic runs into the cupboard to get any straggler tables
Finds 1 – surely that’s enough for a 35 man circle
Mark – waves us over
Follow me – he says
Mark – then at full throttle sprints up the stairs expecting us to keep up with him
Eventually – Bird and Jabzy are lead to a store room where they are given NEW TABLES
Beautiful – scenes
After ten minutes of unwrapping cardboard and plastic – circle can now be set up properly
New tables – attracting some wandering eyes
Women’s cricket – given the grimiest table of all time
Seats – not a problem
Pints – acquired
Jimmy Chloyd Hasselbaink and Shark Newsham – joining us for today’s circle
Fresher Patient – wanting to kill Newsham

1st Session:

Gentlemen – much louder with the aid of the new tables
Sash – smashing his two full pints as he fucking should
Parth and Jabzy – also wacking because of more pool bets
Chloyd – concerned about what she has just gotten herself into
Woos – ringing out
Next one doubles – no one brave enough to go for it
Fresher Eitan – could not get Jabzy the dress but we move
Fresher Patient – wacking for white socks
Owen’s shoes – are definitely trainers
Owen – I have worn these all term
Well – they have been spotted now
And – will continue to be looked out for
Owen – the master trickster tries to worm his way out of it
Jabzy – blocks out the mind control
Instead – Jabzy gets Owen to take off a shoe and shows it round circle to get a vote on whether it is a smart shoe or a trainer
Vote decides – that they are trainers
And – shit trainers too
Fresher Olly – tripling due to a bet with Krish
Bet – Olly thought he could easily score 10 runs off of a Krish over
Reality – he scores about 6
Well – played
Muppet Nominations – Krish, Shiv and Bennett
Shiv – nominated as Freshemon has now been postponed from TWO social calendars and has cost Tom Dallmeyer his place at circle tonight
Shiv – nominated for consecutive weeks now
Krish – nominated for challenging players in lower teams to face his bowling and then giving them loads of chat about it
Krish – the same lad who got hit for four sixes in a row to lose varsity
Fresher Josh – nominated for being really shit at Cov Indoor despite being the “only one who actually plays” and apparently “even worse than Fraser”
Cheers – declare a 3 way wack off
Krish – unhappy to be dragged into it
Krish and Shiv – leaving Fresher Josh in the dust
Fresher Josh – not only shit at indoor cricket also shit at wacking
Gamble (Sash) – Nominate miss the bin session
Sash – looks one position to his left at the president of the SU
Sash – decides he may as well get the full experience
Newsham – must throw his cup into the bin after wacking, if he misses, he wacks again
New Game – 20+1
Freshers – tripling triples
Second years – not listening to the bloody game
Sood – gets nailed on 20+1
Sood – responds to his song by doubling up whilst wacking
Also – with serious speed
New rule – squad chains
KP – included in the Dev chain
Dev squad – made to wack the first two times
KP – not happy
Owen and the 4s – also called to stand up
Ben H – hates to listen to the game and always is mad when he is called out for it
Gamble (Ben Ridge) – Too close to call
Everyone – knows what they want to see
Sash vs Matt – picked yet again despite Sash being about 0-7
To the line – of course
First wack – inconclusive as to who won as although Sash smashed MT on speed he did spill some
Ordered – for a rematch and they are both brought into the middle of circle
MT – this time gets the W by about 0.0000000001 of a second
Sash – now in the danger zone as he is halfway through his second round
Pints – cold and fizzy at this stage
Sash – looking like fresher Harry usually does by second session
Chloyd even knows – Sash needs to go chun
Sash – stubbornly delaying the inevitable
New Game – Randall Splat
Sash, the drunk bastard – loses badly to Ivan
Ridge – beats MT and shows his dominance to his brother
Bird – looking far too quiet so far
Jabzy – takes it upon himself to now target Bird
Bird – loses the first
Whilst he is still mixing his next pint – SPLAT
Bird – sent yet again
Bird – now being thrown into the deep end
3 left – Bird one of them
Fresher Dan – loses his next to Sash
Fresher Dan vs Bird – BIRD LOSES, AGAIN!
Bird – now not looking so quiet is he
Gamble (Joe) – ASBO wack
Oh – no
Instant – regret
Krish and Owen – grimacing as they see what he has pulled out
Joe – starts unbuttoning his shirt in deep sadness
Joe – takes his place lying down inside of circle on the sticky floor
Joe’s game plan – cover his body but leave out the face
Execution – really poor
Hair – covered in purple and some in the eyes
Joe’s night – not made a lot nicer
New Game – Kraus’ Cricket
Sash – really badly ruined
Newsham – doesn’t know the game and finds out the hard way
Newsham – doesn’t know how to fucking block
Parth – already plastered
Fresher Patient – does the 60 but in reverse
Signalling – 6 then five and then four
Bit rogue – that
Final score – 79
Not – all that bad considering some newcomers
Best part – Newsham missed the bin
He wacks again – the build up commences
Ooooooooooo – another miss!!!
EYyyyyyyyy – echoes round circle
Newsham – starts pouring again
Build up – goes again
This time – he gets it
Now – time for him to run off to the toilet
All of the wickets – did wack only one
Gamble (Fresher Archie) – Pintosaurus Rex
Fresher Archie – must double like a T-rex to the tune of jurassic park
Really – a good gamble
Fresher Archie – does it in good speed
Owen – sitting there loving it
Not even spillage – admirable but boring
New Game – Heads/Tails
A game – to really nail home the sesh
Jabzy – pulls out a pound call cos he is boujee
Amogh and Bird – keep losing
Bird – probably on his 3rd round rn
Chloyd – also on the losing side a few times
MT – clearly in love with her
Circle – looks ready for a break
Jabzy – calls recess


Vaishaki is a nonce – chant obviously started by Parth who in his binned state says the word nonce once every two words
Parth – also nutmegs Jabzy at this point whilst he is trying to check if everyone is ok
Good bloke – behaviour
MT – really really grafting at this point with Chloyd responding well
How exciting – to actually have a female sit next to him
Newsham – not looking in a good state and getting a bit aggy
But tbf – didn’t look in a good state at the start either
Newsham – also instructing MT to call him daddy

2nd Session:

Gentlemen – much less enthusiastic
NJ etc – deciding to remain quiet
Supergamble (Fresher Patient) – Graveyard Shift
Fresher Patient – must turn up to charity 1h1b for the graveyard shift which is midnight until 5am
Eww – no no no no no
Fresher Archie (sat right next to Patient) – finds out that the other supergamble was a LR graveyard shift
Essex – desperately wants a wack for some reason
A wild charity pot appears
Jabzy – throws a master ball and secures it for circle
Everyone – cash at the ready
5 minutes – of free for all
Right off the bat – NJ cancels out the double he got sent by SJ who isn’t even at circle
Ben H – fired a load straight away
Fresher patient – loves to fire a load
Newsham – targeted but he came prepared
Parth – sent about 100
Parth – cancels quite a lot
More money – comes rolling in from the women’s circle
Ridge brothers – taking the brunt of it
Fresher Olly – having already tripled is in for another
Times up – now we’ll go round 1 by 1 and once you’re done you’re done
Let’s start – with our charities sec
Most freshers – stupidly have used up all their money in the free for all
Sash – wacks in a fiver and fires more shots at Newsham
The pot – really filling up now
Things finish up on Fresher Josh – and everyone has at least two each
Cheers – for charity
What a – mess
Jabzy – trying to think of a new game which will not completely kill everyone off
New Game – Roman numerals
Fresher Dan – thinking its sexy roman numerals
No – normal pls
Fresher Patient – has no clue but somehow gets it right
Comes back – to him
Fresher Patient – now on 19
Fresher Patient – “XIX” oh its looking good! “X” oh wait he just added another X
Fresher Archie – in hysterics
Parth – has been collecting cups now for some stupid bet and is holding a stack of 30 odd
Joe’s hair – dried but still sticky
Quick game of roman numerals – over now as everyone returns ready for more heavy sesh
Gamble (Fresher Josh) – Single
Owen – again, ecstatic
Essex – in despair as he knows the end result
Essex – sneakily hides his pints
Fresher Josh – follows instructions on the paper that Owen gives him which tells him to look at MT
MT – has a post it note saying “Nuke u cunt” stuck to his forehead
Fresher Olly and Parth – in the deep sesh by now have to do another triple
Essex – exposed by the others has at least 3 more wacks on the floor
MT – also trying to hide his pints on Chloyd’s table
Chloyd – tries to stick up for him but he is found out too
Chloyd – hes not gonna shag you… oh wait
Fresher Olly – as good as dead
New Game – Trivia
NJ’s table – what is the longest event in men’s athletics?
Ben – thinking 10,000m or 5,000m
The lads – thinking very close mindedly
Answer given – 10,000m
Answer – the 50km walk
Its fine – only 40km off
Ivan’s table – What country would you find the vehicle code “V”?
Fresher Dan – initially thinking Venezuela
Ivan – not able to think of many others just goes with it
Unlucky – Vatican city has the V
Sash’s table – what year did the film Live and LEt Die come out?
KP – initially thinking 1970s
Sash – putting him off with shit knowledge
Plus or minus 3 – allowed
Answer – 1969
A good guess – but not good enough
1973 – four away oh dear
Joe and Krish – how many episodes of the UK office are there?
Sash – ooh I know this
Well – you didn’t know your one
Nikhil’s table – What scrabble letter is the only one worth five points?
Sharky – shouting J
No – a J is 10 thats so easy
Nikhil – then mutters K
Everyone – loves that suggestion
Jabzy turns to look at Rory realising he is not there – chance for a ket joke missed
Fresher Josh’s table – when was Jeremy Corbyn born?
Fresher Josh – 1949
After some discussion – 1948 is decided with a plus or minus 2 allowed
Real answer – 1949
You really – cannot beat Bennett at trivia
Owen’s table – what does the surname Singh mean when translated into English?
Krish – tries to cheat and tell Owen
Owen – comes out with a wrong answer “sunny”
Singh – translates to Lion
Another break needed – recess called


NJ – is now positioned comfortably in the women’s circle
Parth – now with even more cups
Parth’s stack – taller than himself?
Sash – has a bit of life back now at least
Jabzy – calls on Fresher Patient to secure pints
Intellectual discussions – of course taking place in the toilets
Owen – strutting around in those god awful trainers
Owen and Jabzy – also manipulating the gamble pot
Recess – only a quickie as Jabzy wants to time circle better than last week

3rd Session:

Gentlemen – weaker as there are still people missing
Joe – coming back to circle with a VK
Sash – doing the same
No – fucking VKs
Gamble (J Ridge) – Slip cordon
Joe – shafted with 3 straight up
Serves – him right for the VK
Krish – wacks the half pint he has left then goes to get more
Krish – with all these halves must be on at least 4 pints
Woah – slow down
New Game – PL Darts
3rd Session darts – screams danger
Jabzy – included in a 3 vs 3 against Nikhil’s team
Jabzy’s team – win on speed but lose 3-0
Ouch – that one hurt
Jabzy – advises them that Nathan looks thirsty
Nikhil and Fresher Harry – sends one their way
Nathan (to Fresher Harry) – WHO EVEN ARE YOU?!
Parth – shits himself laughing
Sash’s team – win with a big 180 too
Tbf – Sash’s team was stacked and against the likes of Newsham
Fresher Dan and Archie’s table – lose 5-3 to Bird’s team
Bird – finally feeling the W
Bird – loose at this point
Parth – throwing his massive stack of cups at the bin but in the end clatters them into Ben H which spills two of his wacks
Ben – livid
Parth – pays him back with a wack
Ben – wants another
But – Ben threw one back
So – he only gets one
Gamble (Shiv) – Double Gamble Wack
Song – rings out as per
Shiv – scrapes through the double
Big build up – at a peak
Gamble (Shiv) – Spiderman challenge
Shiv – doing more of a spoderman challenge as his effort and form is described as poor and he is made to try one more time
Shiv – finishes the 3rd wack to suppress the pain
Shiv’s form – too upright and he didn’t even fall after it
New Game – One fat frog
Chloyd – knows the game well apparently
Fresher Josh – one fat frog jumped into the “river”
What – the fuck
A fucking river – stupid fresh
How many circles – has he attended now
Sash – giving loads of bullshit excuses and blaming people next to him even though he himself fucks up
Gamble (Fresher Harry) – A day in the cuntry
Fresher Harry – must choose a partner to do a one minute challenge with and then do some clay pigeon shooting
Sharky – chosen
Fresher Harry – nails 5 but they weren’t all to the line so its decided on 3
Sharky – nails 3
Pull – sharky throws the first up
Harry – misses
Pull – the second goes up
Harry – HITS
Pull – third up
Harry – misses again
So – they get two to nominate
Sent – again one to Nathan and the second to Sash
Gamble – one of the favourites this year
New game – speed 20+1 wack and leave
Everyone with two pints – allowed one chance at the moment but that will change
Sood – spaced out
Ben – still pissed off with Parth
Parth – a real shithouse now that he spends 24/7 with the SBS
Eventually – circle fizzes out as a number of freshers remain
Freshers Archie, Dan and Patient – remain
Then fresher Dan shows his genius – by sending Patient
Fresher Dan – in his first circle? Wins micro
A number of blokes – now in women’s circle as they cannot hack ours
NJ – has remained there since second recess and Owen is pissed
Parth, Owen and Jabzy – lapping up the leftover pints


Backstreet boys – Saved by Essex
No wrong verses – on his watch
Jabzy – feeling the effects of the charity pot session has no clue
Circle – breaking up so Jabzy calls everyone in
You need – to commit lads
The true bois – finish megamix with pride
Last few pints – saved from barmy army


Front left – empty at first
Jabzy and Nathan – spending the rest of the £20 they have for the rest of the week
Sambuca – is disgusting
Joe – getting kicked out for almost fighting some dickhead
Mark – knows Joe didn’t start it as he has seen the CCTV
Joe – called back in after a long explanation
Parth, Nathan and Jabzy – all head off to sicilians
Sash – binned somewhere
Nathan – rebuilding club relations with sicilians with some joking
An important – relationship to have
Sash – still banned lol
One more week this term – lets goooooo