Chronicles of Circle 4 – Halloween
On a cold February evening, sports clubs and societies around Warwick begin to get ready for circle. Some go for standard themes – sports kits, shirt and tie, slutty bints. Some push the boat out a little more –‘ Harry Potter, ‘Out of this World’ and ‘Anything but clothes’. However, the UWMCC are a different breed of circler. Whilst other clubs put little thought into their theme, the UWMCC put in weeks of hard research in order to reach a theme that is undisputedly the best. Putting together the mental efforts of some of the clubs finest historians – Larkins et al, the UWMCC boys ultimately decided on a Week 7 theme to rival the best… Halloween.
By tracing the historical writings of famous Italian historian Niccolo Wackiavelli, Larkins et al discovered that Halloween’s origins could be traced to an early Roman love story as opposed to the traditional Celtic beginnings that many previously believed Halloween to have. It so turns out that Halloween actually occurred in the month of February. The date was February 14th, A.D. 17 and as per the tradition of the day of Saint Valentine, lovers were presenting each other gifts to showcase their love for one another. This is what one Roman girl – Blowie Wynne expected of her boyfriend. However, Jonnius Hall was not one for tradition and after graciously receiving her gift to him, announced “I do not abide by social conventions” and proceeded to go on his own to watch ‘Ferris Bueller’s Colosseum Trip’, the latest play out in the local amphitheatre. Angered by the events of the evening, Blowie thought up a murderous plot and upon his arrival back home post-theatre, delivered a swift and fatal axe to his head. However, this was not to be the end of Jonnius Hall. 8 days later, on the 22nd February A.D. 17 (2000 years prior to the now infamous UWMCC Halloween circle), Cupid, some fucked up winged baby cunt, took pity on the rotting corpse of Jonnius and bought him back to life for 1 night, to exact revenge on those who had ever wronged him. Throughout that evening, the zombified Jonnius Hall laid waste to over 300 people including his murderous ex-girlfriend in an event that was to go down in history as ‘The Purple Massacre’ (see the UWMCC’s guide to fictional historical events for further details). For years to come, people would come to associate this date with horror and dress-up as the dead to protect themselves in the event that Jonnius Hall returned. And thus began the origins of Halloween… well at least until the Celts stole the story. Cunts.
Circle – going to be large
Outfits – being procured well in advance for some
Others – leaving it to the last minute as per usual
Larkins – walking into Boots and asking for 3 sets of fishnet tights
Till lady – rightfully concerned
Old boys –Kraus and Clayden both returning
Kraus – leaving Larkins a voicemail “hey mate, any chance you could rustle me up a sandwich for when I arrive?”
Sandwich – not rustled up
Larkins – pleading ignorance for not hearing the voice message
Kraus – picking up Tasty from the hospital, accidently stopping outside of A&E instead of the main entrance
A&E staff – obviously not getting the memo about using Skoda’s as the next ambulances
Social Sec society – having a cheeky 13 holes at the Coventry to warm up for circle
Tasty – being judged by Coventry regulars as he hooks a drive into a nearby bush
Sport – going on elsewhere within the club as the UWMCCFC 5-a-side took part in the People’s FA cup to play at Wembley.
Roachy – reporting the scores as they come in
Game 1 – “5-0 win, big things to come”
Game 2 – “4-0 win, UWMCC gonna win”
Score updates – stopping abruptly
Tasty – “I assume things haven’t gone well in game 3”
Jonny – sending a text to Kraus
Jonny – “Been knocked out but gonna stay on campus and get on it”
Kraus – not realising that he means knocked out of the tournament
Kraus – “I’m pretty sure that drinking is the last thing he should be doing right now”
Hammond and Wellsy – making a rare circle appearance, being kimmed by the U1 and having to wait for close to 45 minutes for a bus
Walker – making another circle return
Dan – missing his 2nd circle of the term due to future job prospects
Upside – at least he can’t be late to circle
PCP – huge
Halloween costumes – varied and plentiful
Costume highlights:
Choppy – coming as Little Choppy Lawson, axe in hand
Gemes – coming as the Reverend Rapist with baby prop
Randall – Jaws victim with fake arm and Dobey hat
Bex, Guj and Larks – Playboy bunnies
John-Mark – their Hugh Hefner
Substantial numbers – turning up without any costume at all
Old boys – quickly settling back into the swing of things
Clayden – wifed up, sadly no return of Dave Slayden to be had
Cooper – bottling his potential return to circle
Yeti – managing to make a Smack night out but not circle
Alex Brebner – making his first circle appearance
Brebner – an aussie so likely to send us all
Suraj – Guj’s mate coming along for some sesh
Gamble pot – an old boys special
Clayden – having to be table bitch with his ticket on Tasty’s card
Millman – also helping out, looking to make up for his shambolic table performance last tiime
Tasty – arriving to the table carnage slightly late, having to make up for lost time with a mad dash
Circle – massive, a 9 table bonanza
10th table – sitting in the middle of circle
Mens Hockey – still absent
Lacrose social secs – actually being nice for once and offering out spare chairs for the masses of UWMCC tables
Club relations – building for absolutely no reason
10th table – removed from circle
Tables – being sent without Dan Lewis being present
Kraus/Clayden – not sitting in their regular corner
Kraus – bailing out Clayden who had a lack of cash on hard, supplying him with purple on the basis on repayment at recess
Anticipation – building
Banging – getting louder
GENTLEMEN!!!! – fucking huge
Kruas and Clayds – going pongo
Wooing – once again excessive
Tasty – threatening a double for the next woo
Gemes – the victim
Punishments – issued for those in no costume
Affected – including the likes of Jewson, Hall, Kraus and Clayden
J$ – volunteering to join the punishment rather than wear his costume, a knights outfit that turned out to look more like a burka
Chains – created for those in the same outfits
Chains:
Vampire chain – Goodyear, Probert and Ferdi
Playboy chain – Bex, Guj, Larkins and John
Grim reaper – Tim and Merriman
Slenderman – Turner and Curtis
No outfit chain – lots of people
Sesh – looking to be heavy
Kraus – holding up signs – “Cops off campus, unless of a crime in which there will be a swift response” and its flip-side “bints are people too”
Chants – “bints are people too, people too, bints are people too”
MOTW – only one nominee…
Tasty – nominated by Kraus for his golfing performance. Having already had a ‘turbulent’ round, Tasty arrives on the 10th tee ready to turn it on in the back nine. Larkins steps up and booms it down the fairway. Up next is Kraus who likewise sends another straight down the centre. Enter Tasty. By this point, he has gained an audience with an old boy standing to watch. Tasty dribbles his tee shot about 10 yards in front, off the slide of the tee box. As he goes to retrieve his ball, the old man just saying to Tasty, “not you’re finest moment was it”. Tasty eager to prove his ability steps up for his 2nd tee shot and fires it into the trees on his immediate left. Without even looking round to see if the man saw, Tasty just trudges his way down the 10th fairway, gives himself a generous drop and then shells it wayward.
Tasty – nominated by Larkins for coming to Halloween circle dressed as an Ebola victim
Jewson – “aren’t you the wrong colour for that Tasty?”
Tasty – sending his pint with speed and then attempts the dress
Dan – not buying a new dress as promised
Tasty – having to wear it as a cape instead
New game – 20+1
Gamble – Undergraduate Double (Fucking nerds)
Undergrads – all standing
Old boys – also wacking due to being in the no outfit chain
Gemes – making up for the earlier double by being the only person not wacking
20+1 – making it round quickly for the first round
Randall – losing and immediately introducing table wacking
Tasty – unsure whether to allow but agreeing for one round
Next loss – resulting in every single person wacking due to various chains and tables
Table wacking – abolished quickly
New rule – multiples of 10 are dabs
Guj – refusing to dab if it lands on him
Brebner – next to lose, wacking to ‘you’re just a shit David Warner’
New rule – multiples of 4 have to be numbers that aren’t correct
The number 7 – appearing at least 7 times on the way from 1-20+1
Chains – fucking up the non-uniform people
J$ – “if I put the burka on, can I stop wacking?”
Kraus – off for more purple, the Dangerchair placed strategically
Tasty – concerned about Kraus hitting his head on the wall
Circle – not sharing the concern, wanting to see some Dangerchair action
Kraus – realising that the entirety of circle is staring at him, realising the Dangerchair and not falling for it
Dangerchair – sad to not take his first victim
Gamble – Choppy Lawson Powerplay
Tasty – taking his seat on the outside
Clayden – buzzing to see his little chimney sweep take over circle
Little Choppy – the polar opposite in both name and stature to Big Tasty
Choppy song – being sung sporadically by everyone
Kraus – petitioning Choppy to end chains
Choppy – under the thumb, giving in to the demands of his employees
New game – Cricket
Gamble – Vampire / Dracula Carling Cup
Vampires – only 3
Choppy – putting Tasty into play due to him now wearing a cape
Pair-ups – Tasty vs. Ferdi, Probert vs. Goodyear
Victors – Tasty and Probert
Final – Ferdi vs. Goodyear with back a winner
Ferdi – the ultimate loser (I think)
Cricket – off to a poor start
General standard – pretty gash
Wickets – falling fast
All out – somewhere in the 40’s
Gamble – Ballo – Invent a gamble (speeeed)
Ballo – with 5 seconds to invent a gamble
Tasty – “do a Social Sec triple to fuck up choppy”
Tasty – realising that he may have just fucked himself up
Ballo – “the acting social sec double”
Tasty – saved thanks to a Ballo rewording
Choppy – doing his double to the Choppy circle and returning power to Tasty
Tasty – using his returned power to reinstate chains
Hall – “well this is just ridiculous”
Jewson – I’ve already chundered once, this can’t go on”
New game – Tinderrrr
Tinder with chains – fucking lethal
Superlike – pretty much everyone wacking once again
Recess – much needed
Recess – called
1st Recess
Gemes – in the toilet vomming
Merriman – “you deserve everything coming to you you cunt”
Tasty – thrown aback by this sudden outburst
Clayden – shlipping outside to get cash before returning to circle with only 3 purples, trying to avoid Kraus
Kraus – catching wind of the this ploy, sending Clayds back to the bar to get him what he is owed
Clayden – having to return to the same barman and order another 3
Dangerchair – planted at random
Everyone – taking their seats ready for sesh
J$ – falling to the floor
Dangerchair – chants heard around CR2
Dangerchair – claiming its first and only victim of the night
2nd session – ready to go
Chains – abolished
New game – ICICN
Gamble – Super Gamble – Roachy
Super gamble – nominate a double gamble wack
Roachy – picking Kraus with little to no hesitation
Kraus – already having had a heavy one, not looking forward to the prospect of 3 more
Kraus – not able to ‘New York business trip’ his way out of this one
Kraus – seeing off the first 2 with a noticeable stuggle
Gamble – Shit Costume Golden Ticket
Kraus – going around and naming those with shit costumes who get to avoid a wack
Lack of effort – for once a good thing
Mum’s lesson – If you put the effort in you’ll be rewarded
In this case – Mum’s just fucking wrong
Kraus – seeing off his final pint and retiring to the toilet (to not chunder supposedly)
ICICN – becoming less and less cricket related every week
Meanwhile – Gemes begins to dismantle his baby prop and begins lobbing body parts around
Bex – lobbing the head and ladies hockey and nailing someone
Bex – “See ya”
ICICN – people to have lived in a cricket house past and present
Guj – claimed on 11 and making it with ease
Guj – stitching his housemate by getting them right and therefore having to wack for stitch a fresh
ICICN – English IPL transfers for more than a million
Someone – claimed on 3
Someone – can get fucked
New game – Danny Williams PLD
Gamble – Shit name wack (e.g Jack, Henry, Jon and Tim)
Kraus – once again with the power, going around and forcing those with shit names to wack
Guj – happy until realising that he has a white name
DWPLD – not as active as usual, a heavy first session reflected in the unwillingness to wack again
Team J$ vs. Team Roach – the only real exciting game, ending 4-3 with Team J$ the victors
New game – Reverse SB
Gamble – Randall – Gun gamble
Ferdi – producing a Nerf gun from outta nowhere
Randall – getting 3 shots to shoot Roach from across the circle, with 2 pints to nominate for every body shot, 5 for a headshot and 10 for a bollock shot
Randall – only managing 3 body shots (any) with 6 to nominate
Targets – usual suspects with Tim, Gemes and Merriman some of the recipients
Reverse SB – 30 the number
“30” – said by 3 people immediately
Reverse SB – not actually starting for another 3 goes with everyone too eager to go
Merriman – the eventual loser
Merriman – “awwwwoahhhhh”
2nd Recess
Recess – quick as not much time before POP
Sesh – hitting hard, a few people with eyes closed
New game – Duck Duck Moose
Gamble
Tasty – “who wants to wack”
Victims – aplenty
Hall – trying to claim that he didn’t thrown out his bowling arm and therefore it shouldn’t count
Argument – not working
Tasty – “who wants to wack”
Tasty – actually meaning to say gamble but sesh obviously hitting him as well
Turner – caught out again
Gamble – Past / Present Treasurer 1 minute challenge
Hammond and J$ – looking particularly displeased
Target – 5
J$- can we do 2 and a half each
Tasty – allowing it as long as 5 empty cups were presented at the end
Treasurers alliance – not managing their target
Duck duck moose – not lasting long
Merriman – quickly chosen as an easy pints, with many struggling to end their pints
New game – 1 Fat Slag
Gamble – Clayden – “Do a Guinness you cunt”
Clayden – proceeding to go to the bar and do a Guinness as requested
1FS – not sitting well with PC among us
Jewson – saying splash despite hearing Walker say Bed
Water beds – not a factor in this game
Jewson – wacking
UWMCC – continuing their run of fine 1FS form by failing to get past 2
New game – Microcircle – Speed 20+1
Gamble – Mexican Wack off
Loser – escapes my memory but probably Merriman
Speed 20+1 – sending the final pints
Winner – non-existent with stewards ending microcircle prematurely
POP!
Megamix – big, the influence of the old boys bringing a larger turnout
Ferdi – taking his usual job of locking down the front of POP
Baby’s head – found by some random bint in the crowd after being hurled
Bex – stealing Randall’s fake arm, covering it in fake blood and proceeds to slap clubmen with it
Tim – hit numerous times
Gemes – also a victim
Ballo and Guj – ripping off Nick Hill’s shirt and leaving him topless for the rest of POP
Nick Hill – cold
Random bint to Tasty – “what have you come as?”
Tasty – “an ebola victim”
Random bint – “ahhh well Ebola suits you”
Tasty – not sure how to take it
Randall – continuing his theme of being chirpsed by girls with boyfriends
This weeks chirpse – fucking fit
Roachy – having all of his dreams coming true, managing to steal a kiss off of Tilda
Roachy – in celebration, windmilling whilst feed them to the lions is on and managing to get himself kicked out (not actually true but he did get kicked out for some reason)
Roachy – banned
Choppy – attacked after trying to steal a tiara
Blood – drawn
NU1 – filled with UWMCC heavily impacted by the sesh
Roachy – complaining about his ban
Roachy – “if anyone knows Duncan, please put in a good word for me”
Guj, Larks and Randall – taking a trip to Guj’s old Rootes block
Guj – trying to get into his old room
Guj – failing to get in
Guj et al – stealing a bathroom door as recompense and leaving it outside of Rootes
UWMCC – what is it with us and stealing Rootes doors
Kraus – repeatedly getting John-Mark’s name wrong on the way home
Kraus – “oi Son-Jark Manuel, get fucked”
Son-Jark – getting progressively more annoyed
Kraus – getting hiccups whilst in Sicilians
J$ – “it was proven that the only way to cure them is to put a finger up your bum”
Kraus – disappearing for 10 minutes
Kraus – coming back hiccup free
Goodyear – also ending up in Sicilians
Sicilians bloke – forgetting to press enter after entering the price of 6 pounds
Goodyear – proceeding to add his pin to the total amount
Goodyear – realising that the price of his pizza is £65,000
Sicilians bloke – finding this amusing, showing everyone the card machine
Goodyear – realising that the last 4 digits of the price are his pin, rips his card out of the machine and runs out of Sicilians, obviously losing his appetite
Goodyear – running home whilst on the phone to Bex
Goodyear – “I bet Allie has another bird round tonight and it won’t even be the same one he’s had round yesterday
Allie – in a ground floor room with his window open
Allie’s bint – hearing Goodyear and flipping at Allie
Goodyear – not in Allie’s good books
Aftermath
Storm Doris – causing some real issues for Tasty as he walked up the road to the Oriental star
Kraus – crying at lunch at the thought of Cooper’s facial expressions
Kraus – also claiming that he’d never fall a victim to the Dangerchair
Kraus – “I have real thunder thighs, it the chair fell I would just hold a squat. I haven’t actually been sitting down at all during this lunch, just squatting”
Freshers FB page – asking for information regarding the stolen door
Choppy – “has anyone seen this (showing FB page), its got like 900 likes”
Guj – smirking
FB girl – finding Larkins’s student card outside of Rootes
Larkins – implicated at the scene of the crime
Larkins – criminal
UWMCC – probably soon to be banned from Rootes