Chronicles of Circle 4 – Halloween


On a cold February evening, sports clubs and societies around Warwick begin to get ready for circle. Some go for standard themes – sports kits, shirt and tie, slutty bints. Some push the boat out a little more –‘ Harry Potter, ‘Out of this World’ and ‘Anything but clothes’. However, the UWMCC are a different breed of circler. Whilst other clubs put little thought into their theme, the UWMCC put in weeks of hard research in order to reach a theme that is undisputedly the best. Putting together the mental efforts of some of the clubs finest historians – Larkins et al, the UWMCC boys ultimately decided on a Week 7 theme to rival the best… Halloween.


By tracing the historical writings of famous Italian historian Niccolo Wackiavelli, Larkins et al discovered that Halloween’s origins could be traced to an early Roman love story as opposed to the traditional Celtic beginnings that many previously believed Halloween to have. It so turns out that Halloween actually occurred in the month of February. The date was February 14th, A.D. 17 and as per the tradition of the day of Saint Valentine, lovers were presenting each other gifts to showcase their love for one another. This is what one Roman girl – Blowie Wynne expected of her boyfriend. However, Jonnius Hall was not one for tradition and after graciously receiving her gift to him, announced “I do not abide by social conventions” and proceeded to go on his own to watch ‘Ferris Bueller’s Colosseum Trip’, the latest play out in the local amphitheatre. Angered by the events of the evening, Blowie thought up a murderous plot and upon his arrival back home post-theatre, delivered a swift and fatal axe to his head. However, this was not to be the end of Jonnius Hall. 8 days later, on the 22nd February A.D. 17 (2000 years prior to the now infamous UWMCC Halloween circle), Cupid, some fucked up winged baby cunt, took pity on the rotting corpse of Jonnius and bought him back to life for 1 night, to exact revenge on those who had ever wronged him. Throughout that evening, the zombified Jonnius Hall laid waste to over 300 people including his murderous ex-girlfriend in an event that was to go down in history as ‘The Purple Massacre’ (see the UWMCC’s guide to fictional historical events for further details). For years to come, people would come to associate this date with horror and dress-up as the dead to protect themselves in the event that Jonnius Hall returned. And thus began the origins of Halloween… well at least until the Celts stole the story. Cunts.


Circle – going to be large

Outfits – being procured well in advance for some

Others – leaving it to the last minute as per usual

Larkins – walking into Boots and asking for 3 sets of fishnet tights

Till lady – rightfully concerned

Old boys –Kraus and Clayden both returning

Kraus – leaving Larkins a voicemail “hey mate, any chance you could rustle me up a sandwich for when I arrive?”

Sandwich – not rustled up

Larkins – pleading ignorance for not hearing the voice message

Kraus – picking up Tasty from the hospital, accidently stopping outside of A&E instead of the main entrance

A&E staff – obviously not getting the memo about using Skoda’s as the next ambulances

Social Sec society – having a cheeky 13 holes at the Coventry to warm up for circle

Tasty – being judged by Coventry regulars as he hooks a drive into a nearby bush

Sport – going on elsewhere within the club as the UWMCCFC 5-a-side took part in the People’s FA cup to play at Wembley.

Roachy – reporting the scores as they come in

Game 1 – “5-0 win, big things to come”

Game 2 – “4-0 win, UWMCC gonna win”

Score updates – stopping abruptly

Tasty – “I assume things haven’t gone well in game 3”

Jonny – sending a text to Kraus

Jonny – “Been knocked out but gonna stay on campus and get on it”

Kraus – not realising that he means knocked out of the tournament

Kraus – “I’m pretty sure that drinking is the last thing he should be doing right now”

Hammond and Wellsy – making a rare circle appearance, being kimmed by the U1 and having to wait for close to 45 minutes for a bus

Walker – making another circle return

Dan – missing his 2nd circle of the term due to future job prospects

Upside – at least he can’t be late to circle

PCP – huge

Halloween costumes – varied and plentiful

Costume highlights:

Choppy – coming as Little Choppy Lawson, axe in hand

Gemes – coming as the Reverend Rapist with baby prop

Randall – Jaws victim with fake arm and Dobey hat

Bex, Guj and Larks – Playboy bunnies

John-Mark – their Hugh Hefner

Substantial numbers – turning up without any costume at all

Old boys – quickly settling back into the swing of things

Clayden – wifed up, sadly no return of Dave Slayden to be had

Cooper – bottling his potential return to circle

Yeti – managing to make a Smack night out but not circle

Alex Brebner – making his first circle appearance

Brebner – an aussie so likely to send us all

Suraj – Guj’s mate coming along for some sesh

Gamble pot – an old boys special

Clayden – having to be table bitch with his ticket on Tasty’s card

Millman – also helping out, looking to make up for his shambolic table performance last tiime

Tasty – arriving to the table carnage slightly late, having to make up for lost time with a mad dash

Circle – massive, a 9 table bonanza

10th table – sitting in the middle of circle

Mens Hockey – still absent

Lacrose social secs – actually being nice for once and offering out spare chairs for the masses of UWMCC tables

Club relations – building for absolutely no reason

10th table – removed from circle

Tables – being sent without Dan Lewis being present

Kraus/Clayden – not sitting in their regular corner

Kraus – bailing out Clayden who had a lack of cash on hard, supplying him with purple on the basis on repayment at recess

Anticipation – building

Banging – getting louder

GENTLEMEN!!!! – fucking huge

Kruas and Clayds – going pongo

Wooing – once again excessive

Tasty – threatening a double for the next woo

Gemes – the victim

Punishments – issued for those in no costume

Affected – including the likes of Jewson, Hall, Kraus and Clayden

J$ – volunteering to join the punishment rather than wear his costume, a knights outfit that turned out to look more like a burka

Chains – created for those in the same outfits


Vampire chain – Goodyear, Probert and Ferdi

Playboy chain – Bex, Guj, Larkins and John

Grim reaper – Tim and Merriman

Slenderman – Turner and Curtis

No outfit chain – lots of people

Sesh – looking to be heavy

Kraus – holding up signs – “Cops off campus, unless of a crime in which there will be a swift response” and its flip-side “bints are people too”

Chants – “bints are people too, people too, bints are people too”

MOTW – only one nominee…

Tasty – nominated by Kraus for his golfing performance. Having already had a ‘turbulent’ round, Tasty arrives on the 10th tee ready to turn it on in the back nine. Larkins steps up and booms it down the fairway. Up next is Kraus who likewise sends another straight down the centre. Enter Tasty. By this point, he has gained an audience with an old boy standing to watch. Tasty dribbles his tee shot about 10 yards in front, off the slide of the tee box. As he goes to retrieve his ball, the old man just saying to Tasty, “not you’re finest moment was it”. Tasty eager to prove his ability steps up for his 2nd tee shot and fires it into the trees on his immediate left. Without even looking round to see if the man saw, Tasty just trudges his way down the 10th fairway, gives himself a generous drop and then shells it wayward.

Tasty – nominated by Larkins for coming to Halloween circle dressed as an Ebola victim

Jewson – “aren’t you the wrong colour for that Tasty?”

Tasty – sending his pint with speed and then attempts the dress

Dan – not buying a new dress as promised

Tasty – having to wear it as a cape instead

New game – 20+1

Gamble – Undergraduate Double (Fucking nerds)

Undergrads – all standing

Old boys – also wacking due to being in the no outfit chain

Gemes – making up for the earlier double by being the only person not wacking

20+1 – making it round quickly for the first round

Randall – losing and immediately introducing table wacking

Tasty – unsure whether to allow but agreeing for one round

Next loss – resulting in every single person wacking due to various chains and tables

Table wacking – abolished quickly

New rule – multiples of 10 are dabs

Guj – refusing to dab if it lands on him

Brebner – next to lose, wacking to ‘you’re just a shit David Warner’

New rule – multiples of 4 have to be numbers that aren’t correct

The number 7 – appearing at least 7 times on the way from 1-20+1

Chains – fucking up the non-uniform people

J$ – “if I put the burka on, can I stop wacking?”

Kraus – off for more purple, the Dangerchair placed strategically

Tasty – concerned about Kraus hitting his head on the wall

Circle – not sharing the concern, wanting to see some Dangerchair action

Kraus – realising that the entirety of circle is staring at him, realising the Dangerchair and not falling for it

Dangerchair – sad to not take his first victim

Gamble – Choppy Lawson Powerplay

Tasty – taking his seat on the outside

Clayden – buzzing to see his little chimney sweep take over circle

Little Choppy – the polar opposite in both name and stature to Big Tasty

Choppy song – being sung sporadically by everyone

Kraus – petitioning Choppy to end chains

Choppy – under the thumb, giving in to the demands of his employees

New game – Cricket

Gamble – Vampire / Dracula Carling Cup

Vampires – only 3

Choppy – putting Tasty into play due to him now wearing a cape

Pair-ups – Tasty vs. Ferdi, Probert vs. Goodyear

Victors – Tasty and Probert

Final – Ferdi vs. Goodyear with back a winner

Ferdi – the ultimate loser (I think)

Cricket – off to a poor start

General standard – pretty gash

Wickets – falling fast

All out – somewhere in the 40’s

Gamble – Ballo – Invent a gamble (speeeed)

Ballo – with 5 seconds to invent a gamble

Tasty – “do a Social Sec triple to fuck up choppy”

Tasty – realising that he may have just fucked himself up

Ballo – “the acting social sec double”

Tasty – saved thanks to a Ballo rewording

Choppy – doing his double to the Choppy circle and returning power to Tasty

Tasty – using his returned power to reinstate chains

Hall – “well this is just ridiculous”

Jewson – I’ve already chundered once, this can’t go on”

New game – Tinderrrr

Tinder with chains – fucking lethal

Superlike – pretty much everyone wacking once again

Recess – much needed

Recess – called


1st Recess


Gemes – in the toilet vomming

Merriman – “you deserve everything coming to you you cunt”

Tasty – thrown aback by this sudden outburst

Clayden – shlipping outside to get cash before returning to circle with only 3 purples, trying to avoid Kraus

Kraus – catching wind of the this ploy, sending Clayds back to the bar to get him what he is owed

Clayden – having to return to the same barman and order another 3

Dangerchair – planted at random

Everyone – taking their seats ready for sesh

J$ – falling to the floor

Dangerchair – chants heard around CR2

Dangerchair – claiming its first and only victim of the night

2nd session – ready to go

Chains – abolished

New game – ICICN

Gamble – Super Gamble – Roachy

Super gamble – nominate a double gamble wack

Roachy – picking Kraus with little to no hesitation

Kraus – already having had a heavy one, not looking forward to the prospect of 3 more

Kraus – not able to ‘New York business trip’ his way out of this one

Kraus – seeing off the first 2 with a noticeable stuggle

Gamble – Shit Costume Golden Ticket

Kraus – going around and naming those with shit costumes who get to avoid a wack

Lack of effort – for once a good thing

Mum’s lesson – If you put the effort in you’ll be rewarded

In this case – Mum’s just fucking wrong

Kraus – seeing off his final pint and retiring to the toilet (to not chunder supposedly)

ICICN – becoming less and less cricket related every week

Meanwhile – Gemes begins to dismantle his baby prop and begins lobbing body parts around

Bex – lobbing the head and ladies hockey and nailing someone

Bex – “See ya”

ICICN – people to have lived in a cricket house past and present

Guj – claimed on 11 and making it with ease

Guj – stitching his housemate by getting them right and therefore having to wack for stitch a fresh

ICICN – English IPL transfers for more than a million

Someone – claimed on 3

Someone – can get fucked

New game – Danny Williams PLD

Gamble – Shit name wack (e.g Jack, Henry, Jon and Tim)

Kraus – once again with the power, going around and forcing those with shit names to wack

Guj – happy until realising that he has a white name

DWPLD – not as active as usual, a heavy first session reflected in the unwillingness to wack again

Team J$ vs. Team Roach – the only real exciting game, ending 4-3 with Team J$ the victors

New game – Reverse SB

Gamble  – Randall – Gun gamble

Ferdi – producing a Nerf gun from outta nowhere

Randall – getting 3 shots to shoot Roach from across the circle, with 2 pints to nominate for every body shot, 5 for a headshot and 10 for a bollock shot

Randall – only managing 3 body shots (any) with 6 to nominate

Targets – usual suspects with Tim, Gemes and Merriman some of the recipients

Reverse SB – 30 the number

“30” – said by 3 people immediately

Reverse SB – not actually starting for another 3 goes with everyone too eager to go

Merriman – the eventual loser

Merriman – “awwwwoahhhhh”


2nd Recess


Recess – quick as not much time before POP

Sesh – hitting hard, a few people with eyes closed

New game – Duck Duck Moose


Tasty – “who wants to wack”

Victims – aplenty

Hall – trying to claim that he didn’t thrown out his bowling arm and therefore it shouldn’t count

Argument – not working

Tasty – “who wants to wack”

Tasty – actually meaning to say gamble but sesh obviously hitting him as well

Turner – caught out again

Gamble – Past / Present Treasurer 1 minute challenge

Hammond and J$ – looking particularly displeased

Target – 5

J$- can we do 2 and a half each

Tasty – allowing it as long as 5 empty cups were presented at the end

Treasurers alliance – not managing their target

Duck duck moose – not lasting long

Merriman – quickly chosen as an easy pints, with many struggling to end their pints

New game – 1 Fat Slag

Gamble – Clayden – “Do a Guinness you cunt”

Clayden – proceeding to go to the bar and do a Guinness as requested

1FS – not sitting well with PC among us

Jewson – saying splash despite hearing Walker say Bed

Water beds – not a factor in this game

Jewson – wacking

UWMCC – continuing their run of fine 1FS form by failing to get past 2

New game – Microcircle – Speed 20+1

Gamble – Mexican Wack off

Loser – escapes my memory but probably Merriman

Speed 20+1 – sending the final pints

Winner – non-existent with stewards ending microcircle prematurely




Megamix – big, the influence of the old boys bringing a larger turnout

Ferdi – taking his usual job of locking down the front of POP

Baby’s head – found by some random bint in the crowd after being hurled

Bex – stealing Randall’s fake arm, covering it in fake blood and proceeds to slap clubmen with itGemes Baby

Tim – hit numerous times

Gemes – also a victim

Ballo and Guj – ripping off Nick Hill’s shirt and leaving him topless for the rest of POP

Nick Hill – cold

Random bint to Tasty – “what have you come as?”

Tasty – “an ebola victim”

Random bint – “ahhh well Ebola suits you”

Tasty – not sure how to take it

Randall – continuing his theme of being chirpsed by girls with boyfriends

This weeks chirpse – fucking fit

Roachy – having all of his dreams coming true, managing to steal a kiss off of Tilda

Roachy – in celebration, windmilling whilst feed them to the lions is on and managing to get himself kicked out (not actually true but he did get kicked out for some reason)

Roachy – banned

Choppy – attacked after trying to steal a tiara

Blood – drawn

NU1 – filled with UWMCC heavily impacted by the sesh

Roachy – complaining about his ban

Roachy – “if anyone knows Duncan, please put in a good word for me”

Guj, Larks and Randall – taking a trip to Guj’s old Rootes block

Guj – trying to get into his old room

Guj – failing to get in

Guj et al – stealing a bathroom door as recompense and leaving it outside of Rootes

UWMCC – what is it with us and stealing Rootes doors

Kraus – repeatedly getting John-Mark’s name wrong on the way home

Kraus – “oi Son-Jark Manuel, get fucked”

Son-Jark – getting progressively more annoyed

Kraus – getting hiccups whilst in Sicilians

J$ – “it was proven that the only way to cure them is to put a finger up your bum”

Kraus – disappearing for 10 minutes

Kraus – coming back hiccup free

Goodyear – also ending up in Sicilians

Sicilians bloke – forgetting to press enter after entering the price of 6 pounds

Goodyear – proceeding to add his pin to the total amount

Goodyear – realising that the price of his pizza is £65,000

Sicilians bloke – finding this amusing, showing everyone the card machine

Goodyear – realising that the last 4 digits of the price are his pin, rips his card out of the machine and runs out of Sicilians, obviously losing his appetite

Goodyear – running home whilst on the phone to Bex

Goodyear – “I bet Allie has another bird round tonight and it won’t even be the same one he’s had round yesterday

Allie – in a ground floor room with his window open

Allie’s bint – hearing Goodyear and flipping at Allie

Goodyear – not in Allie’s good books




Storm Doris – causing some real issues for Tasty as he walked up the road to the Oriental star

Rootes DoorKraus – crying at lunch at the thought of Cooper’s facial expressions

Kraus – also claiming that he’d never fall a victim to the Dangerchair

Kraus – “I have real thunder thighs, it the chair fell I would just hold a squat. I haven’t actually been sitting down at all during this lunch, just squatting”

Freshers FB page – asking for information regarding the stolen door

Choppy – “has anyone seen this (showing FB page), its got like 900 likes”

Guj – smirking

FB girl – finding Larkins’s student card outside of Rootes

Larkins – implicated at the scene of the crime

Larkins – criminal

UWMCC – probably soon to be banned from Rootes

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