Chronicles of Circle 4 – Released 23rd February… stay tuned

Excitement – palpable
Reading week circle – known for its general looseness
Circle – upstairs only
Tickets – in low supply, selling out a week in advance
2nd years – whoppers, not many managing to get hold of tickets
Gemes – deciding to skip circle to watch Arsenal get humped by Bayern
Rhys – happily accepting the spare ticket
Chattle – taking an injury pre-circle football
Chattle – walking style akin to a man with a pole shoved up his arse
Varsity – pre circle meal destination for Chattle, Turner and Tasty
Chattle – taking 15 minutes to walk there from Tarkett
Tasty – making an error by ordering the 3 dish plank… an inordinate amount of food turning up
Millman – the topic of discussion
Chattle – “so what happened to Millman then?”
Turner – “He got Glandular Fever which weakened his immune system to the point when he then contracted Hepatitis”
Tasty – pissing himself that the Hepatitis rumour has actually been believed by certain clubmen
Chattle – “Wait what? He hasn’t got Hepatitis?! I asked him how the Hepatitis was going the other day”
Millman – obviously going along with the lie like a good bloke
PCP – small as expected
Chattle – eventually stumbling into T bar after taking at least 9 years to traverse the distance from Varsity to the SU
Murphy – managing to snatch a last minute ticket, arriving not a moment too soon
Dan – running late as per, heard to be giving his girlfriend specific cooking instructions for his food
Dan – “Breaded cod on the second shelf, potatoes in the cupboard on the left hand side”
Dinner – ready for Dan upon arrival
Gamble pot – a Tasty special (with Turner and Merriman)
Cheeky – missing another circle
Cheeky – losing some cheekiness with every missed circle
Aneesh – strategically missing his bday circle
Tasty – having to leave the final few gambles with Bex and Larkins whilst he and table bitch Turner leave to set up circle
Shit clubs – trying to invade the cricket area
UWMCC – not having it
Guj – keen to send another table from circle
Tasty – keeping a 5-table circle
J$ and Kinners – looking to constantly encroach on circle
Bex – discovering some leftover midget gems in his pocket
GENTLEMEN – raucous
Mixed Hockey – wetters, scared of the sheer volume of the UWMCC
Circle – not able to start in the traditional way seeing as the only nominee for MOTW was not present yet
Guesses – none needed to work out who it is
New game – 20+1
Gamble – Tasty wacks his chops this term
Tasty – regretting leaving the gamble pot in reach of Bex and Larks
Tasty – not wanting to wack 5 pints, tells a little white lie and claims a double
White lie – believed by the majority of circle
20+1 – quick to reach the end of the first round
Tasty – outlawing table wacking considering the small size of circle
New rule – 1-5 and 16 to 20 are reversed
Guj – confidently looking at Larkins before fucking up
Guj – loosing 2 further times in quick succession
Larks – also not having the best day considering he was a social sec who has previously had to follow these rules
New rule – 6 to 15 are all 0
Tim – the rulemaker but heavily influenced by dictator Bexson
Zeros – catching many people out… especially Guj
Guj – the new Will O’Farrell for the night
New rule – 1 is wack
Murphy – losing
Murphy – unbearable as usual, being made to wack in silence
Numerous clubmen – happy to get the 0’s correct, only to be fucked by the 1 rule
Meanwhile – in anticipation of Dan Lewis’s imminent arrival, a Dangerchair had been found and placed in the only available space at circle
Dan – happy as Larry, strolling into circle 30 minutes late
Dan – places his purple
Dan – sits down
Dan – is struck by the DANGERCHAIR!!!!
Tune – to the tune of Dangermouse, lyrics as follows:

“Dangerchair, Dangerchair, does whatever a Dangerchair does. Can you sit, on Dangerchair? No you can’t, it’s Dangerchair. Look out… where is the Dangerchair?”

Dan – accepts the mockery that is associated with falling prey to the chair
MOTW – its time
Dan Lewis – nominated by Tasty for the infamous events of weeks ago. After suffering a heavy exec circle (not quite Turner levels), Dan is one of the few clubmen to make it to Neon. After meeting up with Sarah, Dan continues to sesh until around 2am when it’s time to go home. As he leaves the club, Dan takes a little stumble and is laughed at by his mates, including Sarah. As a man of high levels of pride, Dan is not a fan of this mockery and in reaction, feels the need to throw something. However, unluckily for Sarah, a lack of nearby chairs means she ends up being the throwing victim… into the road. Realising what he had just done, Dan does what any man would do… and runs away. He is found by Rooty 5 minutes later cowering in Vialli’s. Him and Rooty then proceed to walk to a random alleyway where they have left their coats under a parked car to avoid parking charges. Wife beating… check. Cheapskate… check. I think Dan must definitely be a Stella drinker.
Murphy – not willing to let the single nomination for Dan to happen
Dan Lewis – nominated by Murphy for Valentine’s day antics. Murphy is a hard working man and has a night-time job working at Cote Brasserie. On the fateful day of February 14th, whom should he see but Dan and Sarah walk into his place of work. To say that Dan has been in the doghouse is an understatement and so Cote Brasserie seems a good place to make up for it. However, being the gentleman that he is, rather than order a bottle of wine for the table for him and Sarah to sesh on, he instead makes her last her entire meal on the single complementary glass of prosecco. If I didn’t know he was Welsh, I’d say he’s Northern.
Dan – obviously winning, being given a triple for the combination of MOTW, late to circle and missing 1s/2s in order to go on a date
Dan – getting through his cold pints
Larkins – attempting to re-slip the Dangerchair back under Dan whilst he triples
Dan – sadly noticing as he finishes his pints… a real shame
New game – Duck Duck Moose
Gamble – J$ – Double, Gamble, Wack and nominate 2 others to join in
J$ – picking Tim and Roach to join him
J$ – gamble – Your year Carling Cup
Carling cup – elected to do at the start of a session
Roach – gamble – Touch your toes or wack
Tim – gamble – Double vodka, Gamble, Buca
Tim – looking on in dismay
Touch your toes or wack – to be the first gamble to be played, essentially punishing who was unable to touch their toes without bending their legs
Kinners – “fuck”
Other victims – Turner and Larkins
Roach – surprisingly nimble
Tim – about to drink without trying, however deciding to give it a go and is successful
Tim – returning to circle with his gamble drinks
Double vodka – sent with efficiency
Gamble – Back to Back
Buca – see ya
Back to Back – Tim and his bromance (Randall) have to go back to back in circle and are asked 3 questions. For each question they must drink if they think they are more likely to. If they agree, then the circle wacks. If they disagree then they wack
Question 1 – “Who is more likely to shag Joe’s housemate Poppy?”
Joe/Tim – both too nice and not drinking, therefore leading to them both wacking
Question 2 – “Who is better in bed?”
Joe/Tim – Once again too nice and therefore both wacking for neither drinking
Tim – having just seen off a lot of pints and spirit in a short amount of time, sees himself to the bogs
Tasty – filling in for the bromance
Final Question – “Who’s got better hair?”
Tasty – drinking
Joe – opting to not drink
Rest of circle – wacking
Duck Duck Moose – starting off with Murphy, wacking in silence of course
Murphy – losing but no pints to continue
Dangerchair – strategically placed in Turner’s position, awaiting his return from the bar
Famous saying – “the bigger they are, the harder they fall”
Turner – falling pretty fucking hard
Duck Duck moose – Turner choosing Probert
Dead heat – only way to solve is a wack off
Back a winner – the majority going for Probert
Outcome – another close race but the win going to Turner
New game – Sherwin Ball
Gamble – designer shirt double
Tasty – walking around circle, inspecting people’s brand of shirt
Randall – the only one, wearing a blue Jack Wills number
Bex – punished for wearing a Hermes belt
Bex – eventually accepting it
Randall – struggling with the double, making it to the nearby bin and letting loose
Arrival – of the mythical chunder dragon as Randall is seen to flap his wings as he vomits by the side of circle
Dangerchair – slipped under Bexson whilst he doubles for his belt
Sherwin Ball – limit set at 13
People – “1, 2, 3,4”
Bexson – “5” he says triumphantly before sitting down to the… Dangerchair!!
Bex – lying down to compose himself as chants of Dangerchair can be heard throughout CR2
Merriman – losing overall, trying to argue his case for some stupid reason
Tasty – “Merriman, get fucked!”
Merriman – wacking

1st Recess

Recess – quick in order to accommodate for the early finish
J$ and Kinners – once again trying to edge their tables forwards
Tasty – feeling claustrophobic
2nd session – started with an almighty uproad
1st session – loose
Gamble – Super Gamble!!!
Murphy – the chosen gambler
Murphy – “I’m 4/4 picking the good super”
Everyone – hoping that it’s not 5/5
Gamble gods – not with circle
Super Gamble – Murphy – Invasion of Poland
IoP – similar to Entering the Rhineland except for with full wacks as opposed to fingers
Tasty – having to catch Murphy in the act in order to end his power
Bex – “this is just unbearable”
Murphy – catching a few people out early doors with a cheeky glance here and there
New game – Kraus’s Cricket
Circle – only around 20 therefore require half of all of circle to get out
Scoring – slow with wickets falling quickly
Guj – continuing the trend of being shit at games
UWMCC – all out for 97
All victims – doubling for their loss of wicket
Roach – making a second Dangerchair
Circle – becoming for dangerous by the second
Larkins – shlipping one of the chairs into the nearby mixed hockey circle
Mixed Hockey bloke – getting aggy at Larkins for being childish
Mixed Hockey bloke – proceeding to shaft his mate with the Dangerchair
Chants – “inter-circle Dangerchair!”
Mixed Hockey bloke – hypocrite
Dangerchair – dangerous
New game – ICICN
Gamble – Turner – Ca$$h me outside how ba da
Turner – having to pop to costies, purchase a can of Stella, wack it in the piazza with proof and return to circle all during 2nd recess
ICICN – colours in Joseph’s Technicolor Dreamcoat
Roachy – claimed by Turner on 8
Chattle – “I played Joseph! I know them all”
Chattle – selected as judge for this round
Roach – managing 8, Turner wacking to the tune of ‘your just a shit Henry Bowen’
Guj – ICICN girls thrown by Dan lewis
Dan – left with 2
Dan – wacking, karma being a bitch
Dan – throwing a chair in outrage
Tasty – hitting Dan with the new chair throwing punishment… a nice pint on the lap
Dan – in shock
Probert – ICICN UWMCCFC scorers this year
Merriman – claimed on 8
Merriman – managing only 7
Merriman – “awwwwoahhhhhhhh”
Murphy – meanwhile still glancing at people for the wack
Murphy – attempting to get Tim
Tasty – catching him
Murphy – “I, like Hitler have become too cocky, much like when he tried to invade Russia”
Murphy – wacking again to silence
Silence – the perfect chant to accompany a man as unbearable as Murphy”
New game – Tinderrr
Gamble – Dan – In the doghouse double
In the doghouse – anyone to have been in the doghouse in the past month with their girlfriends has to double
Dan – pulling out this gamble… pretty appropriate
Dan – doubling
Bex – also agreeing to double due to the proximity to recess
Mixed Hockey – standing to wack a pint
Larkins – swapping a randomers chair for the Dangerchair
Randomer – adopting an odd technique of sitting down, using his hand for support first
Sitting technique – not helping him out as he too falls victim to the Dangerchair
Mixed Hockey – laughing at one of their own
American football cunt – doing something to our circle
Murphy – chasing said cunt down and tapping him on the shoulder before swiftly telling him to get fucked with the appropriate gesture
Murphy – bearable
Tinder – finishing off pints as intended
Superlike – still no matches
Tinder game – needs to be improved

2nd Recess

3rd session – to be fairly short due to time restraints
J$ and Kinners – pushing Tasty over the edge by pushing their table in again
Tasty – making them wack
Guj – joining in the table pushing… cunt
Final Gentlemen – drunken
Carling cup – finally remembered but with only 5 third years, J$ elects Chattle to join the race
Races – Bex vs Chattle, Guj vs Larkins and J$ vs Kinners
Losers – Bex, Larkins (I think) and Kinners
Bex – already unhappy as he believes he should have been racing Guj… an easier matchup
Final – Bex coming out as the loser, albeit with a lot of purple down Kinner’s shirt
Bex – reluctantly accepting the loss and wacking
New game – Dangerchair!!!
Gamble – Guj – Magic roundabout
Guj – trying to get Disco Dave involved in the magic
Dave – sadly not partaking
Magic roundabout – sending purple everywhere
Dangerchair – a brainchild of El Presidente Bexson after hearing Tasty and Randall’s chant of Dangerchair
Game – involves everyone standing and closing their eyes whilst Tasty swaps someones chair with the Dangerchair. Upon opening their eyes, everyone must chant the Dangerchair song and when the line ‘where is the Dangerchair?’ is reached, everyone must sit down with force. The victim must wack but then gets to place the next chair
Round 1 – Tasty sneaking the chair into Roach’s position
Roach – planting a firm arse of the chair and is sent flying
Round 2 – Roach, planting under Gujar with the same ninja-esque flair of Slayden last year climbing onto Whitefield’s roof
Gujar – almost jumping into his chair and therefore onto the floor
Final round – Guj enlisting the help of Murphy with multiple chair moves
Dangerchair – eventually ending up under Merriman
Merriman – realising he will be the victim halfway through the chant and reluctantly faces his peril
New game – Speed 20+1
Gamble – Dinners for Kinners
Bex – producing 2 macaroons to add to Kinners pint
Dinners – very bitty
Kinners – beginning his onslaught on the pint
Meanwhile – J$ is swiftly attacked by the Dangerchair and hits the deck
Kinners – stops whilst Dangerchair is chanted
Dangerchair – relocated to Larkins who then immediately falls victim as he sits back down
Chants – once again interrupting Kinners and his dinners
Kinners – eventually seeing it off
Speed 20+1 – slowly eliminating players and tables
Final 2 – Tasty vs. Bex
Tasty – cockily saying numbers before realising he has stitched himself
Bex – victor


American footballers – heard in the toilets referring to how they are still virgins
Megamix – non-existent due to a lack of numbers and atmosphere in Rouge bar
Disco dave – pumping out the tunes
UWMCC CMD – getting 4 tunes in a row played
Mambo No.5 – starting us off with the boys hitting the Just Dance 3 routine as previously practiced
Single ladies – next up with Turner leading the routine
Beat it – Dan lewis loving the thrusting
Push it – Tasty considering hitting the floor to thrust before seeing it covered in glass
Turner – already beginning to seek his victims
Dan – having violated the dress, is seen wearing it like a poncho
Chloe – realised to be running the Welfare stand inefficiently
Step in – Tasty and Roach
Tasty to one bloke – “Mate, I reckon you may get lucky tonight, take a condom”
Tasty to the next bloke – “I know exactly what you need”
Next bloke – expecting a condom
Next bloke – receiving a tampon
Roach – eating a cake for every cake that he hands out

Welfare stand approval rating – up at least 10%
Dan – no longer wearing the dress as a poncho, now adopting it as a scarfMupdates Week 6
Turner – victim found, assault begun
Randall – adopting the Jonny Hall style of play with a bit of cheeky bum fingering in the club
Tilda – seen getting with yet another person who isn’t Roach
Roach – heartbroken, feeding his heartbreak with Welfare cakes
Dan – lost
Dan’s wallet – lost
Disco Dave – giving his 5th shoutout to Jonny despite him not being there
Fresh – returning home
Leam bound peeps – hitting up the NU1
Tasty – meeting the captain of the team in question in the ‘Nottingham rugby player spear tackles a downy’ saga, who so happens to be his best mates housemate in notts
Notts captain – missing the bus home after the game and therefore hitting up POP
Bex and Guj – changing their regular post-POP venue and smashing a Toscanos
Toscanos – supposedly decent
Spicy Bites – feeling left out now that there is no Captain Bozza to order ‘the usual’
Dan – spotted sprinting down the middle of Brunswick Street in an attempt to get home quickly (see testimonials below)
Dan – was lost, now found

Adit Kulkarni – “I didn’t even bother to chase him. He was moving fast. Like Usain Bolt fast”
Turner – “He was like a superhero. The way his dress/scarf fluttered as he ran. It was like he was wearing a cape”
Dan Lewis – “I was moving quicker than one of my fastest chair throws”

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