Bus – obviously late
Repetitive – every fucking week
Mupdates – now consistently starting with bus=late
Rory, Sash, Jabzy and F-dog – shagged by the lateness
But –the question has to be asked, with the bus late so typically should they not leave their houses a bit earlier to get to the bus stop preemptively?
Jabzy – has the excuse that he cannot find his tie
Sash – “oh yeah its at my house and my door is locked”
Jabzy – “thanks for that” after an hour desperately searching his room to avoid insane punishment at circle
Joe – luckily for Jabzy able to sort him with a South Africa tie
Jabzy – bringing along his own tie in the meantime which disgustingly- has no purple stains on it
PCP – involves Jabzy getting shagged by both Parth and MT at pool and therefore ruining his night
Amogh – set to be late for circle
Ridge and co – on the gamble pot
Fuck – sake
Ridge – is very inconsistent with his gambles
Hit – or miss
Just like Jack’s cricket game – mainly miss
Social secs – called in to do tables which are pretty much already set up
Jabzy – after calling in his top warriors realises he has wasted them
MT – probably sending dick pics to Chloyd at this point
Pints – secured very early with loads of space for circle
Rare occasion – we have too many tables and chairs
Gentlemen – establishing beta male status early on
Sash – smashing a pint
Jabzy – doing a double for late mupdates
MT – screaming like a banshee
Everyone – bursting out in laughter
MT – performing his mating call to Chloydberg

1st Session

Uniform – seems to be good until Joy is snitched on for having trainers
Joy – probably doing it on purpose at this point because he loves the attention
NJ – forgetting the bloody dress
Muppet – nominations
Fraser – nominated for not securing ties because of coronavirus and for looking like Sid the Sloth from Ice Age.
Parth – nominated for getting into Neon then qeueing up to realise that he already had a stamp and was just being a pisshead
Ridge – nominated for football related shennangians.
Liquid Football – promised to the boys in a Portsmouth vs Coventry clash in league One
Reality – pints in a dodgy Spoons with lots of police, a 50 minute walk across all the drug dens of Birmingham and 90 mins of football that can only be likened to that of a team riddled with Polio.
Sash – ‘This was the worst night of my life’
Four way wack off – obviously F-dog loses?
Who – let F-dog out?
Gamble (Laurie) – Valentines day date
Laurie – when attempting to gamble knocks over 2 of his pints and makes a mockery of himself
Ridge – explains he must pick a clubmen to go on a date with
Seniors – not impressed at all
Jabzy – unimpressed by the early gamble puts it to a vote
Ridge – must wack for a lack of clarification with the gamble and overall lack of flamboyance
The night – set to be challenging after the first gamble is voided
Fresher Laurie – must gamble again
Gamble (Laurie) – Jason Roy ** back a winner
Fresher Laurie – must pick the fastest in the club to double against the slowest who will do a single
Fresher Laurie – after some consideration picks MT and Joy
Joy – not backed
MT – known for eating pints and shagging birds*
Birds* – Whales*
MT – does not disappoint as he trashes Joy
Joy – essentially now MT’s bitch after that terrible loss
New Game – Duck Duck Moose
20+1 – getting boring with table wacking the only rule being implemented
Ben – chosen to start off proceedings
Ben – nailing his race against Parth
Parth – up next decides to stitch up Joy as he was pouring his pints
Cries – of stitch a fresh
Jabzy – tells them to fuck off as it is now term 2 week 6 and rules should be known
Sash – getting owned by Bird
Sash – quickly falling the ladder of wacking speed
Sash – realistically like 12th fastest #notmypresident
Sash – then in an even more shithouse move decides to skip out MT (the battle people want to see) and goes for Joe
Duck Duck Moose – an interesting starter
However – we move
Gamble (Fresher Tom) – La Decima
Fresher Tom – cannot read Ridge’s writing and reads out la delima
Fresher Tom – lines up full pints for the challenge
Countdown – started
Anticipation – building
Timer – starts
Circle – shouting
Tom – desperately chugging
Time – 13.57 seconds
Fresher Tom – earning some respect on his name with a fine effort and with experience may be able to complete la decima in the future
New Game – ICICN
WWE – Royal Rumble Winners
Ben – must name 12
Ben – names 5 obvious ones but then struggles badly
NJ – “who the fuck knows all of them, you must have had no childhood”
MT – obviously the one who put forward the claim
NJ – “oh fair”
Shnu – memes
Shiv – must name 17
Shnup dogg – easy start
Shiv – despite his confidence initially bottles it and loses on speed
ICICN – not playing to everyone’s desires
Jabzy – quickly decides to move on trying to avoid a stagnant circle
Gamble (Krish) – Nuke
Oh – no
Joe, Essex and MT – sink in their seats
To the tune of – Shalom Shalom Shalom
Essex – trying to discard pints in a weak move
Joe – in real pain
The man – does not look comfortable or thirsty
Pints – finished
Blokes – finished
New Game – Randall Splat
Ridge – losing to Lewis
Ridge – also losing to Nikhil
Ridge – following in Sash’s footsteps
The old men – losing their stamina
Sash – annoyed because he has lost again
Fresher Archie – so pissed cos he got called out for cheating
Fresher Laurie – tries to defend his mate but Jabzy saw what he saw
Fresher Archie – was below the line
Ridge vs Joy – the final battle
Step and wack – active
Jabzy – makes them essentially walk around the whole of circle before Ridge decimates Joy
Joy – taking another L to his name
Gamble (Rudi) – miss the bin session
Rudi – in 2nd session every time he wacks he must throw the cup into the bin, if he fails, he must wack again. Ad infinitum.
Ridge – breathing a sigh of relief as the gamble is accepted amongst circle
New Game – heads/tails
Rory – whats on top?
Before – Jabzy has even announced which is head and which is tails
Parth, Joe, MT, essex and other twats – try to cheat Jabzy by claiming he said down for heads and up for tails
Jabzy – knows that these bastards are likely to cheat and also knows he always goes up for heads (as it is logical)
Parth to Jabzy – “fuck off you cunt”
Jabzy – feels pity for this nonce
Circle – for some reason full of people who don’t want to drink?
Really? – not up for drinking at a pres?


Bouncer – telling Jabzy that we are not allowed to throw cups into the bin as they are making a mess from everyone not either finishing their drink or actually hitting the shot into the bin
Jabzy – acknowledges his advice but decides for now that throwing is allowed
Rory – clearly well on his way to becoming binned
Joy – finally realising that it is actually recess
Phones – everywhere as the lads decide that clearly they hate eachother

2nd Session:

Gentlemen – a signal that the clubmen need to stop liking all their ex’s pictures and actually need to focus up
Sharky – always on his phone
Definitely – swipes right on everyone
Supergamble (Fresher Archie) – Half Marathon
Half marathon – a fairly self explanatory gamble
Fresher Archie – may now think twice before supergambling again
Fresher Archie – must now run the half marathon alongside others in the club
Actually – for a great cause so glad he will join
Joe – keen on having him wack after every mile
Not – that bad of an idea really
Although – its probably hard enough without the wacking
New Game – PL Darts
Ben – choking and allowing Jabzy’s team to take the W
Jabzy – finally getting a win
Rudi’s team – losing to Joe’s after losing on speed and points
Rudi – in the process misses the bin
Therefore – he must wack again
Bird’s team vs Fresher Archie’s team – Bird Tom and Olly slot a 180 with serious speed to absolutely finish Archie’s team
Archie’s team – not even mad to lose to such an outstanding performance
Next – Jabzy decides to do a whole circle game of darts half/half
Honestly – seemed like a good idea at the time
Amogh and Ridge – each starting their own halves
Ridge’s team – winning with ease
Whole circle darts – another excuse to make everyone wack
Gamble (Pitkin) – Lager Session
Pitkin – obliges and says he will grab pints in recess for lager session 3rd session
American football prick – decides to body slam a table breaking it in the process
Another American football player – shouting at Joe and MT with the two giving the chat right back
American football – just some big twats
New Game – Trivia
Ben and NJs table – Who was the first black premier league manager, appointed in 1996?
Ben – takes a bit of time to search his mind palace
Jabzy – allows them a bit of room but still keeping an eye out for cheating
Ben – Oh Oh Oh
Jabzy – yes?
Ben – Ruud Gullit
Correct – fair play to you Ben
Essex – thats a fucking easy question
Most of circle – probably wouldn’t know it tbf
Joe’s table – what is the minimum break in snooker by potting all of the balls?
Essex – doing the maths quickly
74 – shouted out
No wait! – MT and Essex shout
“72 final answer” – Essex
Lads – seem to agree
Correct lads – well done
After being targeted by other tables – they now have a chance to give some back
MT – constantly saying “think aboutttt ittttt”
Bird and Ridge – What animal is on top of the Calcutta cup?
Ridge – maybe an elephant
Bird – a lion?
Maybe – a tiger or something?
Guess – lion
Answer – elephant
Ridge – ah I said that!
Yes – you did when it didn’t count
Fresher Archie’s table – what do sumo wrestlers throw into the ring prior to a match?
Jabzy – thinking they’ll never get it laughs
Fresher Archie – “salt”
Oh – fuck
Yep – they got it
Jabzy – fuck it lets go to recess
Nominations – has killed off everyone especially Rory who is now battered


Fresher Olly – “Rory, Joe and Parth tried to force me into the hole but I scrapped them off easily”
Joy – saying that he is somehow too small to fit into the hole?
Physics – 100
Rory – getting ripped for apparently having a fit sister
Shiv – you know his sister looks just like him?
Jabzy – yeah and he is fit too
Rory – getting so comically angry
Taking – all the bait left out by Essex and more
Essex – coming up with a tune about his fit sister as Rory decides to throw cups
Jabzy – lets Rory know that as long as he keeps nibbling it will continue

3rd Session:

Gentlemen – being interrupted by American football nonce
Pitkin – back with his lager
Gamble (Ben) – Slip Cordon
Fraser, NJ and Ed being wrecked by the cordon – Ed with 3
Ed – also enjoying his birthday adds to the double he had not long before
The boys singing happy bday – awfully
Joe and Essex – changing the tune to the T.G.I friday style happy birthday
Ed – struggling with the 3rd but smashes it steadily
NJ – showing his stamina makes 2 look simple
Parth – desperately wants Kraus’ Cricket
Jabzy – yeah go on then
Jabzy – bowls straight to Ridge
Ridge – knocks a single and then says to my left
Ridge – making the classic blunder of not saying the direction first
Krish – outraged by such a silly mistake
Jack Ridge – is a silly cunt
Ben – almost done for speed but he is let off as he was sorting club relations
Ben – the man trusted with such a huge task
Fresher Olly – milking the 60 for as much as he can
Purely stupid move – as the last wicket falls on 99
Ordinarily – jug avoidance would ensure a double wack
However – due to the recent poor form in this game just getting above 70 is a bit of a relief so a single is calm
Gamble (Fresher Laurie) – rainbow wack off
Fresher Laurie – must choose someone to wack 2 VKs against
Pitkin – the man chosen for the job
Pitkin – comes back with 2 blue VKs
Pitkin – swaps his blue VK reluctantly with Laurie’s watermelon
Wack off begins – Pitkin made to discard his straw
Fresher Laurie – throws a bottle on the floor with still some in it
Jabzy – picks it up and waits for him to finish the second so he drinks all of it
Laurie – smashes Pitkin who was nowhere near the mark
New Game – Roman numerals
Lewis – never knows the bloody game
Rule introduced – Y replaces X
Madness – XXI is reached twice, a feat which has not been done all year once let alone twice
Bird – the silly bastard says YIX
A mistake – very unlike Bird
Table wacking also introduced – Big Mark gives us the 5 minute warning
Game – quickly turns into One fat frog
Four fat frogs – strangely reached so calmly
Rory – really determined to win at this point after being so riled up by Essex
Sash, Rory and Ridge – final three in speed 20+1
Sash – dying to get over to T bar
Joe – pretty much almost there at this point
Rory and Ridge – final two
Rory – actually sets up ridge to finish him off but Ridge bottles it
Rory – shouts in victory
Everyone – dying for a megamix
Rouge bar – still open for business


Pretty much all of the verses to all of the songs – sung incorrectly
Jabzy – tries to correct everyone but its too late
Rory – a mess
Fresher Archie – giving it his all
Bow – of burning gold always the best bit
Whole verse of angels – left out
Due to a lack of verses – megamix is done in a matter of minutes
MT – desperately searching for Chloyd so he can begin his night grafting


Women’s hockey – all over the bois in the front left
They must – have really like that bar crawl
Joe and Sash – beating Michal and his fitness mate in a fishbowl wack off meaning a severe punishment on monday fitness
Sash – consuming all of the VKs in CR2
Watermelon – is a disgusting flavour btw and if you disagree, fuck you
Krish – seen absolutely slaughtered in Viallis

HTML Comment Box is loading comments…