Chronicles of Circle – Can’t be treating you to a story every week. Check back next week for the 3rd instalment.

8:30pm – Jonny Hall already on his second set of pints, takes an all to familiar trip to the toilets, pint cup in hand to catch any spillage

2 hours earlier…

Tasty – filming his mental awareness campaign with Chloe, hoping that it will catapult him to acting stardom
Chloe – “make sure that you get Jonny slaughtered tonight”
Chloe – with some true evil in her eyes
Jarris – literally the least organised person in the world, managing to forget to buy the circle tickets despite planning to come 3 weeks ago
Reuben – returning to circle, leaving some members happy whilst others disappointed that free drinks would be harder to come by at POP
J$ – swearing karmic revenge on Jonny after he tried to get the bus without him
Tasty – bringing his best mate from home to his first circle
Yusuf – noticeably apprehensive
Roachy – bringing his mate Aaron as well
PCP – big turnout
UWMCC – in good spirits after Tuesdays bowling social
Turner – achieving the highest bowling score of everyone
Tasty – about to suggest that Turner have pints to nominate
Turner – instead of waiting to be gifted pints, decides to ask Tasty
Ancient proverb – ‘If you don’t ask, then you don’t get’
Ancient proverb – wrong
Turner – getting told to get fucked
Dan – missing his first circle of the year due to being in the doghouse with his girlfriend, post throwing her in the road after exec circle on neon
Dan – “I mean I’ve only just got back from home but missing circle will also help to improve my case with Sarah”
Dan – wetbag
Hall – “my house has sadly mysteriously burned down and as such the MOTW dress is now in ashes”
Hall – not fooling anyone with that shoddy excuse
Turner – becoming a regular table bitch
Aneesh – somehow also being recruited to the table duties
UWMCC – having an absolute stormer on the table front, getting 8 tables for a medium sized circle
Tasty – deciding to actually make circle smaller
Curtis and Howard – sitting next to each other for the first time, a budding bromance in the making
Yusuf – taking his place between the experienced hands of current and ex-Cheeky Fresh, Seb and J$
Reuben – boldly returning the corner alongside Bex
Merriman and Probert – of course sitting next to each other
GENTLEMEN!! – Gun as per
Mens hockey – chanting virgins
UWMCC – “We won CMD”
Men’s hockey – applauding the response, sitting down in acceptance of their shitness
Gemes – wacking for his trainers, becoming a common theme
Larks – wacking for wearing an 8 year olds trousers
Cheeky – being commanded to double after making a mockery of the club by attending the UV rackets event, the very event that caused 1s/2s training to be cancelled
Jeering – instantaneous from the crowd directed at Cheeky. I think I even heard someone yell “shitcunt” and I think that’s pretty appropriate.
MOTW – heavily related to Exec circle
Ballo – nominated by Turner. After announcing prior to exec circle that he had yet to chunder at university other than quantity based Circle chunders, Ballo begins exec circle with high hopes and spirits. After being continuously punished for talking shit all night, Ballo is suitably smashed when it comes to leaving for Neon. After smashing a few more Jaegers in Neon, Ballo beings to feel unfamiliar. Dizzy, Nauseous and ill, Ballo retires to the corner where he was seen to be wretching before unleashing the evening’s contents all over the floor of Neon. Just goes to show that if you chat shit, you’ll probably chunder.
Guj – getting banned from places seems to be commonplace for Guj. Having only just recovered from his Copper Rooms ban, Guj goes and gets himself banned from his one true love… Smack. However, unlike his term long POP ban, Guj has only gone and managed to get himself banned from Smack for an entire lifetime… that’s a pretty long time. I still don’t know what he did but I will endeavour to find out
Bozza – another exec circle related case of whoppery. After enduring a similar fate to many of the other exec circle attendees i.e. absolutely fucked, Bozza decides to skip out of the wonderous joys of Neon and instead go to his favourite place in the world – Spicy Bites. After giving the nod to the server and ordering ‘the usual’, Bozza takes it back to the Den and begins to tuck in. After finishing his banquet, Bozza is ready to retire for evening and tucks himself into bed. Over the course of the night, Bozza is heard by his housemates to make various trips to the toilet. On each journey, he emerges from the toilet wearing 1 item less of the clothing until finally he emerges in only his boxers. Bozza is then found in the morning, passed out peacefully with his floor covered in chunder. After a few days of recovery, Bozza is finally starting to feel better, especially with a night of bowling ahead of him. After texting Bex to let him know that he managed to secure himself a lift, Bozza turns his attentions to texting his woman. Or so he thought… “Got a lift back baby xxx”, “Do you want a call baby? Xxx”. Little did he know, he was still texting Bex. After his realisation, he merely sends Bex 2 words… “Ohh any”
Turner – final exec circle nomination. After getting more seshed that most at circle, Turner becomes as unbearable as Murphy, speaking at 100+ decibels for every word he uttered. Eventually, even he realised that he is too smashed and makes his way back to his house. However, after a little break away from the alcohol, Turner receives a second wind and makes his way to Propaganda, where he proceeds to seduce/ensnare a victim and proceeds to chop. Some say muppet, some say hero
Cheers – strong for all but one clear winner emerges
Bozza – muppet of the week
Hall – doubling for forgetting the muppet dress
Issues – already building for Jonny
New game – 20+1
Gamble – something to do with a minibar
Gamble – everyone having to wack as many pints as the issue number on their student card divided by their university year
Hall – seemingly still doubling despite being a 4th year
Lost student cards – getting their revenge on Hall for being lost
J$ – happy at the prospect of karma catching up with Jonny
Hall – off for his 2nd round of purples
20+1 – reaching the end quickly as per usual
New rule – table wacking of course
Clubmen – stitching themselves, forgetting table wacking was being enforced
New rule – multiples of 4 being replaced by a 4 signal
New rule – not phasing the well versed cricket players
New rule – prime numbers replaced by claps
Gemes – “does 1 count?”
Tasty – making Gemes double for his stupidity and therefore also causing his table to wack
Randall – nailing his prime numbers, foundation year obviously working wonders
Bexson – fucking up his prime numbers
Foundation year – maybe necessary for our president
New game – Duck Duck Moose
Gamble – Gujar – Slip Cordon
Guj – noticing Hall to his left
Guj – “I think I’ll be batting left handed today”
Hall – suddenly finding himself at 3rd slip and in a world of pain
Bozza / Larkins – finding themselves at 1st and 2nd slip
Hall – eventually finishing his triple
Tasty – believing that he had performed the task set by Chloe admirably
Hall – takes an all to familiar trip to the toilets, pint cup in hand to catch any spillage
Duck Duck Moose – Tasty taking the first round after not having done a pint yet
Curtis – selected as his target
Curtis – refusing to wack, knowing that he likely will not win
Tasty – victorious
Curtis – not realising that he still has to wack regardless
Curtis – choosing Merriman as his target
Booing -“Justice for Merriman”
Merriman – unable to do another pint, signals for the toilets
Millman – made to take his place, being the closest in wack speed
Aaron – sending Millman, but 2-pint max rule causing him to step out
Merriman – back in the frame, losing the final pint race
Gamble – Larkins – Nominate a powerplay
Larkins – choosing Roachy to take over for the final game of the session
Gentlemen – large
Adit, Nick Hill and Dhruv – wacking
Request – for the Brown down
Browns – standing and wacking
Nick Hill – “at least is wasn’t a fucking Black Wack”
Curtis and Howard – standing for their wack
Roach – “to the tune of… Black Wack”
Bozza – quickly on top of things, stopping the chant
Bexson – also vetoing the song choice
Someone (of high class banter) – “how comes the whites always get away with everything?”
White people – doing a ‘White Pint’
Adit – wacking for all 3
Adit – “I’m born in a white part of England, I’m brown on the outside and I’m black on the inside… Badman ting yeah”
Nick Hill – not impressed
New game – Reverse Sherwin Ball
Gamble – Howard – Ethnic wacking
Ethnic wacking – essentially already been done
Howard – to gamble again
Gamble – Dirty Duck wack
Tasty – ecstatic with the gamble
Howard – making his way to the Duck to film his pint
Meanwhile – 20 set as the countdown for RSB
Yusuf – the first to share a number alongside J$
Yusuf – losing the second round as well
Yusuf – losing the third and final round, going from a good place to a deep alcoholic pit of despair

1st Recess

Adit – spiking Nick Hill’s pints with Vodka when he isn’t looking
Tasty – back in control of circle
Roach – power trip not lasting long
2nd session – commenced in regular raucous style
Super gamble – Turner – nominate a double gamble wack
J$ – the unfortunate target
Hall – happy about the shift in Karma
J$ – doing his double
Gamble – Long Island Iced Purple
LIIP – shots of vodka, gin, rum, tequila and triple sec in a pint glass, topped up with purple
J$ – running to the toilet first to get rid of the first 2 pints
Donations – flooding in to allow J$’s punishment to take place
J$ – wacking his final pint and then purchasing the necessary ingredients
LIIP – absolutely vile based on the facial reaction of J$
New game – Danny William’s Prem League Darts
Game 1 – Team Merriman vs. Team Cheeky
Merriman – giving a rousing team speech prior to the game
Will griggs on fire – a rousing chant, causing a delay to proceedings
Merriman’s team – missing 8 in a row
Cheeky’s team – winning on speed
Cheeky’s team – winning on shlots
Cheeky’s team – winning
Merriman – obviously not inspiring his team enough
Game 2 – Bex vs. team brown
Bex – finally shlotting one with his team taking victory
Bozza – taking a trip to the toilet
Guj – taking out an envelope of Bozza masks
Circle – the entirety of circle wearing Bozza masks
Bozza – returning to a huge chant of “We love you Bozza, we do”
Bozza – allowed to take a powerplay
Gentlemens v4 – as gun as the first
Bozza – “welcome to the greatest moment of my life”
Larkins – producing 2 of Icelands finest cheesecakes
Cheesecakes – tasty
Final game – Team Speed (Larks, J$, Tasty et al. ) vs. Team Black
Team Speed – taking a 5-1 victory from only 6 darts
Howard – sending his pint past the bin, onto Gemes and knocking his pint over
New game – Kraus’s Cricket
Gamble – Timmo – 1 minute challenge nominated squared
Tim – only managing 2 and therefore having 4 to nominate
Tim – sending pints in Cheeky’s direction
Tim – needing the bin to chunder into
Tim – forgetting the all important dragon wings
Kraus’s cricket – sees UWMCC with a trademark early order batting collapse, losing 4 wickets for less that 10
Stabilisation – in the middle order
Batting collapse – end of innings
UWMCC – all out for 84
Everyone standing – doing a double
Bex – pouring cheesecake into pint, making someone do it
Gemes – emerging from the floor, having attempted to eat it without hands
Gemes – face covered in what looks like blood
Tasty – “shit mate are you ok”
Gemes – “don’t worry its just raspberry coulis”
Tasty – back in control of circle
New game – Tinderrr
Gamble – Bozza Chain
Bozza chain – anyone wearing a bozza mask still now chained to each other
Tinder – more eventful when all it takes is one bozza to lose to set off the chain
Turner – losing on purpose to trigger the chain

2nd recess

Cheeky – announcing that this is the first circle that he has chundered
Gemes – finding himself in the middle of ladies hockey circle
Gemes – pelted with pints before being ordered to remove his shirt. Gemes uses a teasing style before ripping off his shirt to reveal… an undershirt
Gemes – eventually getting his rig out to the delight of the hockey players
Randall – dabbing in the background
Yusuf to Tasty – “the guy sitting next me is so safe, he’s helped me a load”
Cheeky – “thanks mate”
Yusuf – “nah I didn’t mean you mate, you’ve done nothing”
Cheeky – sad
Gemes – emerging from ladies hockey with a wig
Hall – separating Bozza’s 3 pints into 12 cups
Nick Hill – not noticing his spiked drinks, slowly losing the plot
J$/Bex – noticing some unattended VK’s on a nearby circle, stealing and wacking them
Other circle – searching desperately for the VKs
3rd session – the 5th gentlemen
Larkins – noticing Mihir in another circle
Larkins – “the treachery is unreal”
Larkins – attempting to steal Mihir, stacking it on the way and sent flying
Bexson – ripping up a bozza mask and sending it at the Hockey CMD sec
CMD sec – shitcunt
New game – ICICN
Gamble – Dan Lewis Appreciation Double
Everyone – doubling in appreciation of the man, the myth and the legend, Dan Lewis
Nick Hill – throwing a chair into circle in appreciation of Dan
Tasty – tired of the insolence, pouring Nick’s pint into his crotch
Circle – happy with the outcome
Mihir – agreeing to join circle for a pint, not happy at finding out he has to double
ICICN – uneventful
Roach – ICICN letters of the alphabet
Yusuf – stitched
Roach – shit bloke
Nick Hill – ICICN current UWMCC clubmen to have chopped a ladies hockey player
Dhruv – claimed on 2
Reality – I believe that only 2 exist
Dhruv – managing both of them on his first attempt
New game – 1 Fat Slag
Gamble – Fresh 1 minute challenge
Target set – 15
Tune – Choppy Lawson song due to him being the size of a fresher
Achieved – 13 pints due to Gemes throwing his cups into the bin and therefore them not counting
Circle – falling into chaos
UWMCC – once again failing to get past the first round
Circle – adjourned


Megamix – returning to it’s usual lofty numbers
Yusuf – struggling with the Warwick format of Chicago
Merriman – locking down the front of POP
Mihir – Batista bombing Ballo
Mihir – stealing a Bozza mask off of Bozza and then giving it to Nick Hill
Spiked drinks – obviously having a positive affect on Nick hill’s chop skills
Bex – domestic free
Randall – simultaneously chirpsing whilst still trying to steal anyone else’s hat
Randall – being carried back home by his potential chop
Chop – just not on the cards
Clayden – asking Tasty to get him a ticket by text for week 7
‘Toxic’ bint – still at the front of POP, Jonny Hall still not happy
Merriman – retweeting his own tweet from the Merriman Express account, displaying his disdain for said bint
Yusuf – missing, presumed seshed
NU1 – presumably normal
Cab – comfy for Bex and Tasty
Bozza – presumably ordering the usual from Spicy Bites
Circle – loosest yet
Cheeky – spotted in the duck at midday today, wacking a pint in socks and flip-flops
Cheeky – possibly the cheekiest yet

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