Location – Frames
Competitors – MT vs Jabzy
Pints – Getting a very early start before exec meeting
MT – chats a lot of shit about his snooker game
Jabzy – trying to get in his head early but gets sent in the first game with the frame coming down to the last black
Another round – Amstel the choice of the day
Next two games – Jabzy stages one of the comebacks of the century
Ben Stokes – could not have pulled off such a performance
MT – now sad and drunk as he hasn’t eaten the whole day
Exec meeting – bound to make him more sad
Surprise surprise – Rory on the same bus which is due to be a bit late
Rory – needs a new watch
Or – a new attitude
Same goes – for the two amateur snooker players
Sash – given yet another reason to fuck the three of them up at week 5 exec circle
Neon – bloody hopeless
Parth – trying his best to break the projector at the meeting
Sash – feeding up the lads with some peng Tyrrells crisps
Fraser – outraged that he has been paired with a shagger on the bar crawl
And no – I’m not talking about Chloydberg
MT – making a scene with his drunkenness
Essex – getting ripped for his shlid
Every bloody week – one of us gets a shit trim
Parth – eating late and clearly keen to chun
Meeting – ending before 7 and leaving loads of time for PCP
How – meetings should be
Pool – Sash getting spanked by Jabzy and now has to wack in gentlemen
Sash – “I didn’t even play that badly, I missed one shot”
One shot – too many
Essex – next in line as he clearly is desperate for a beating
Same result – Jabzy has found his prime form after 4 and a half pints
Parth – chatting an unholy amount of shit to F-dog who he “absolutely battered”
Eagles – responsible for the gamble pot with Owen leading
Joe – given the opportunity to make a double which would result in Jabzy doing a double in gentlemen
Joe – lines it up
Double – smashed
But – white also goes in
Jabzy – pussies out and claims it cancels out
Sharky and Shiv – again the men for the job of tables
Not table bitches – No
Instead – part of a small elite who can be trusted with such a huge task
Tables – actually ends up being piss easy
Bin – even waiting for us in the middle of circle
Circle – actually a circle instead of some weird rectangle
Gentlemen – a longer than usual build up with some cheers
Uniform – white socks everywhere
Culprits – Fresher Harry and Fresher Alfie
Kevin and Amogh – both wearing jeans
Muppet dress – acquired from Fouxy earlier
Fouxy – a sesh gremlin
Nominations – Jabzy, Owen, MT, Kevin, NJ and Amogh
NJ and Amogh – nominated together for breaking one of the ten commandments, joining another circle
Kevin – nominated for signing up for tour but WITHOUT owning a valid passport
Jabzy – nominated for pairing MT with Chloyd and therefore killing the club’s future
MT – nominated by Ridge as whilst he was nominating Owen he spoke and looked like a virgin
Owen – nominated twice for first of all buying the tracksuits which would still be large on Shaquille O’neal, and second of all not making it to Neon which is apparently a crime
Wack off – actually not including Jabzy as the cheers were genuinely weak
Kevin – of course loses and realises he now has to wear the dress all night
1st Session:
Gamble (Archie) – Single
Fresher Archie – must single
Randall – Visibly seething at the wetness of the gamble
Jabzy – counts him in
Owen and MT – SYKE that’s the wrong numberrrr
Owen – surprises everyone by pulling out three cards and laying them face down
Fresher Archie – must pick a card, any card
Card pulled – decoratively spelling out nuke
Fresher Ollie – also has been dragged into the ordeal
Freshen up – for punani
Both – now entering the land of oversesh prematurely
Fresher Ollie – rushing off to the toilet
New Game – Black Black White
Freshers – confused af
Rules – still unknown despite it now being term 2
MT – somehow forgetting the rules
Sash – also forgetting
Nathan – has about as much of an idea of the rule as the fresh do
Joy – must have been informed by Krish getting all of them right
Gamble (Joe) – Harry Redknapp impression
Ridge – contributing a shit gamble into the pot and must double
New gamble (still obviously Joe) – Owen McCausland welfare wack
Ingredients – Purple merged with a sambuca coke mixer
Joe – again realising why he never usually gambles
Joe – wacks it with relative ease
New Game – Tinder
Jabzy – says 3,2,1 wack
A move – not much appreciated by everyone
Jabzy – doesn’t give a fuck
Wacking – all in silence
NJ and Ridge – super liking one another which is cute
Jabzy – wants to keep the games rolling
Gamble (Fresher Harry) – RAW Dating
Fresher Harry – must apply for the radio dating scheme where he has to give feedback of the date live on air
Ridge – a past contestant who knows its awkwardness
Fresher Harry – best of luck to you mate
New Game – S&C
Ben Harrison – requesting his fav game earlier in the week
Now his time – shine
Standard – the word penis comes out early doors, expected from such cultured individuals
Vagina – of course following up
We can tell – who the virgins are
Sash – Abbasi
Jabzy – making sure that everyone says their word LOUD and so therefore whoever repeats the word no matter if they are across circle or not must wack without a chance
For the most part – people actually listen
Mad – scenes
Gamble (Fresher cumshot) – Royal pug prosecco thingy (proper name of gamble forgotten)
Instructions – go to the royal pug on the Thursday and take advantage of their wonderful deal on two bottles of prosecco for £12 and enjoy
MT – shouts “I will go with you Patient”
MT – fulfilling his role of P&C (Pedophilic & Creepy) very nicely
MT – worth a watchin
New Game – Kraus’ Cricket
Second and third years – yet again try to blame their failures this term on the fresh even though the fresh have a better average
Parth – with an even worse average then his BUCS one
Essex – a main culprit for blaming the “fucking fresh”
Middle order – holding strong at this point
Until – the new ball is taken and the tail gets skittled
Last 4 wickets – gone for a weak 22 runs
Final score – 73
A defendable score – against mixed netball
Losers – have to wack one
100 – may be reached soon
Gamble (Krish) – CoronaVirus
Kirsh – has essentially pulled out a Chernobyl
Joy – smiling until he realises what has just happened
Joe – not a fan
NJ – fine with his one
Ivan – roped into doing 2
As more pints are desperately needed – the gamble will take place in second session
New Game – Randall Splat
A solid way – to round up the session
Krish – desperate to prove his speed
Krish – a fast wacker who somehow flies under the radar
Last two – Harry and Joy
Back – a winner
Krish – routing for his boy Joy
Everyone else – doing the smart thing and backing Harry who eats pints at a consistent rate
No shocks here – Harry crushes Joy
Krish – punished for his misplaced trust
Recess – called
RECESS
Shiv’s flatmate at the bar – actually rating our P&C
Credit where it’s due – well done MT
MT – cramming all of his year’s work into one week of training
Joe – at the start of the night £22.51 on his eating at Warwick
After that session – £0.98 left
Better get another £40 – cos it ain’t gonna slow down anytime soon
Fresher Ollie – slightly recovered after his devastating start
Kevin – pissed off he first of all got the dress and then had to play a game he didn’t know the rules too
2nd Session:
Gentlemen – getting started quickly
CoronaVirus – in action
Joy – welcome to circle lad
Joe – trying to escape his fate unsuccessfully
Choppy Lawes – the obvious song choice
Essex – taking up his spot as circle drummer
Supergamble (KEVIN SHAH) – Thuganomics
Kevin – must film himself walking into a lecture music to John Cena’s walkout music giving it the old “you can’t see me” and also must wack now
Kevin – disappointed af
New Game – Trivia Home/Away
If you go home – you should go home
Joe’s team – Who was the youngest disney princess?
Answer – snow white of course
Ben – “Did snow white give birth to the seven dwarves?”
No – the 14 year old did not
Nathan’s team – who was the only disney princess to have a tattoo?
Nathan’s team – Mulan
Fresher Alfie’s table – Who is the only disney main character to not have any lines in their own film?
Guess – Stitch
Stitch – does speak no matter how weirdly
Answer – Dumbo
Parth – Dumbitch
First Disney film to be Oscar nominated? – Fresher Archie’s table
Answer – sleeping beauty
Real answer – Beauty and the beast
Sharky’s table – What fraternity did Mike Wazowski join in Monsters’ University
Sharky – going through the Greek alphabet
Mentioning – Kappa
But – failing to come up with an answer
Answer – Oozma Kappa
Double – please
Gamble (Fresher Josh) – Spiderman Challenge
The – return
Fresher Josh – must run up to the wall, throw himself sideways and slam into the wall
Just like – the vine
Josh – after the cameras are at the ready commits to the gamble
Smashes – it
Gamble – requires him to do it a second time
Josh – has already injured his feet/wrists
Nevertheless – goes back for more
The crash – heard all around CR2
Josh – writing his name in the history books
New Game – PL Darts
Freshers Archie and Cumshot vs Ollie and Parth
Parth – after drinking seemingly a smaller amount throws his cup to the ground and proceeds to chat shit as they win on speed
Parth – the big man of the hour
MT’s team vs Bird’s team
MT’s team – nailing in 3
But Bird’s team smash in 4! – with a 180
Jabzy – has to rely on various witnesses to confirm that Bird’s team did in fact get 4 in
He – did
Nathan’s fresh team – getting outplayed by Fresher Alfie’s allstars on both speed and a 2-1 score
Fdog’s team – crucifying Sharky’s team with a 1-0 and speed
RECESS
NJ – throwing a bit of water over Kevin for a laugh
Kevin – *pissed* throws a whole pint of purple at NJ and fucking drenches him
Fresher Laurie – turning up to say hi to everyone
Joe – has to make tomorrow’s seminar or he will be kicked off the module
Joe – also chundering in the toilets in real danger
NJ – looking up survival tips in the hole as he fears for his life
Carnage – everywhere
Archie’s flatmate – the usual suspect walks over to say hi to him and also speak to Laurie
NJ – “Why do you always come here?! Can you just fuck off you Bint”
Archie’s flatmate – now crying heads downstairs
Essex – getting odds to headbutt the ceiling breaks the ceiling
Pieces – all over the floor
Jabzy – in a panic hides the pieces in the hole and hopes it will all be ok
Essex – may have mild concussion
3rd Session:
Gentlemen – slurred
Joy – trying to gamble but not quick enough
Joy to Jabzy – “you’re racist”
Jabzy – clearly not a racist
Gamble (NJ) – Double Gamble Wack
Joe – breaks out in laughter after predicting the gamble
NJ – does the double
Build up – starts
NJ – reaches in and hopes for the best
Gamble (NJ) – Fresher one minute challenge
Freshers – cry out in agony
NJ – smiles with his second choice
NJ – needs to go get some more cider black
Freshers target – 23
Amount of freshers – 10
Should be – easy
However – Jabzy has set a particularly low target because of the state of the freshers
Joe – a fresher for now and in hindsight what really killed him off
Freshers – stagger to a miserable 21
Despite – Joe’s dramatic efforts
New Game – One fat frog
At this point – a real mess
Kevin – fucking clueless again
Nathan – not saying a bloody direction
Nathan – more confused then CalGal at circle games
Gamble (???) – ??? I am truly sorry
New Game – Heads/Tails
Rory – almost obsessively at this point asking for which side is on top
Rory – very pissed
Joe – in a drunken daze
MT – very very pissed
MT – regretting not eating food
Joe – always going the same as Jabzy
United – as one
Microcircle – active af
Pints – measured and poured
Jabzy’s pints – disappearing ffs
All 3 – gone
Parth – a bloody shambles at this point
Very – embarrassing
Parth – gets kicked out for being too slow and rage quits from CR2
Parth – then returns to shout at Jabzy after venting to everyone about it
Table wacking – deployed
Owen – hanging about but with no pints
Final two – Sash vs Ridge
Sash – president of the sesh
Ridge – the people’s champ
Ridge – starts as he has 2 pints left
Sash – ends up smashing him with the 16 17 18, 19 20
Classic move – only learned with years of experience
Megamix:
Owen – starting megamix without Jabzy
A revolt – of the most disgusting nature
Owen – surely now must take every circle for the rest of the year
Parth – a key member of the mutiny
No – surprises
Traitors – all over rouge bar as Jabzy walks down
Barmy army – particularly violent with the oversesh ever present
Off to – front left
POP!
Rory – seen getting off with a fresher big time
Tonsil – tennis
Rory – after coming to his senses immediately runs away
Its – too late my friend
Kevin – going home as he is told the dress looks shit
Parth – committing a sin as old as time
Where is your – fucking tie?
Parth – will have his trial at next circle
Also – Parth was spotted trying to fight Lacrosse in sicilians which is fair game
Rory and Sash – obsessed with a girl who looks like a mix of Keira Knightley and Daisy Ridley
Both – getting in an argument with her friend and saying she is only angry because she is more ugly than her friend
Jabzy – smashing a whole pizza in the few 100m it takes to get back to his house