Exec Meeting – being held at Old Lib from 6pm onwards
Carlsberg – really easing the lads into some discussion on admin
MT, Essex and Owen – turning up late after a fifa session
Nathan – turning up late because that’s his thing nowadays
Parth – absent as he is back on the night’s watch up north
Sash – now filling in as chief notetaker
Essex and Jabzy – really focused on the football being shown on the screens
Jabzy – still undoubtedly pissed from smack
Sash and Jabzy – previous to the meeting decided every time Sohayl says something stupid they will drink
Both – thought they would be hammered by the end
Sohayl – takes it upon himself to do the opposite and come up with some good suggestions
Fuck sake – Sohayl
Lads – start turning up to pre before the Balti
Sharquiss – sitting on the exec table mid meeting
Sharquiss – can take my job
Jabzy – on way to get cash out sees that people in the Balti are just beginning to order
Another – booking controversy
Jabzy – finds out that YET AGAIN he has not spoken to the man in charge
Jabzy – was promised to have the restaurant fully booked
No – sir
Sash – convinces Jabzy to go and grab a load of sesh for later
K cider and Dragon soup – a dangerous combination of tramp drinks
Sesh – dropped off
Bag – secured
Jabzy – shepherding the group of 50 lads out of Old Lib and into the finest curry house on Bath Street
Atmosphere – changes as the customers in there realise they have made a mistake by eating tonight
Rory – collecting all the cash to fund his habits
Fresher Harry and Archie – not ready to feel the heat of the Uber phaal
Uber phaal – apparently no longer exists
Outrage – as they now just have a spicy vindaloo
Still – the show must go on
Owen – “Jabzy, who do I have to shag around here to get a poppadom”
Rory and Jabzy – making good use of the extra poppadoms caused by overbooking
Joe – somehow karate chopping a poppadom into just two pieces
Jabzy – losing the game with a decent effort of 3
Gentlemen – finally underway
Tables – banging
Legs – shaking
Palms – sweaty
Arms – heavy
Screams – disgusting
The club – now claiming the balti as its own and members will protect it until death
Muppet dress – now on show
Any – nominations?
Of course – there are
The whole club – probably doing something muppet worthy
Fouxy – nominated by Fresher Josh for giving a penalty which even the oppo said was not a penalty
Oppo – “your ref is blind”
Ivan – nominated for bringing his own cans to the Balti and failing to support one of Leamington’s key local businesses
Fraser – nominated for chundering on the bus which remained all over the floor until the bus even came round again
Jabzy – nominated for failing to book out the whole Balti for the second time
Tbf – not enough people wanted to go not my fault
Cheers – nice and equal signalling a four way wack off
Cobra – to the brim
Sickness – inbound
Fouxy – “I am going to lose this aren’t I”
Yes – yes you will
Sash – calls them to start
Fouxy – chunders mid pint
Fouxy – indeed does take the L
Pint of wine – the punishment
The dress – rubbed in the liquid chun by Jabzy adding a lovely scent
Fouxy – miserably walks to the bar to buy wine
Ridge – as he is celebrating his bday this week also gets in on the fun with the pint of wine
Balti’s finest red wine – guzzled down by the boys in real style
Fouxy – king of the finesse
Meal – lovely
Food – spenny but not too bad
Fresher Ollie – subjected to a pint with ¾ red wine in a game of arrogance
Harry and Archie – make a start on their extra spicy vindaloo
Vindaloo poo – inevitable the next day
Archie – struggling right off the start
Joe – opting out of eating a main and bottling POP
In fact – it looks like a very fresh dominated POP
Ridge – stealing Rory’s rice as his own has gone too cold
Rory – fucking confused as all he hears is laughing as he comes back
NJ and Amogh – leaving after they have eaten to go and join the women’s cricket circle
Metaphorically – spitting in every other club members face
Also – losing them serious reputation points
Ridge – already chatting shit as the wine has hit him
Ridge – “hear me out, referees should be paid 1 million a year”
Ridge – “Jesse Lingard gets paid ten times as much and he is shit”
Jabzy – concedes that Lingard is shit but maybe a mil is a bit too much
Bennett – not having any of this shit tells Ridge to fuck off
Fresh Harry – ploughing through his vindaloo
Fresh Archie – nibbling at it
Krish – giving fresher Harry a breakdown of the cheesy chips incident and using a model map to demonstrate why he is in fact stupid
Meal – sent
Jabzy – gets a round of applause going for the resilient staff of the Balti
UWMCC – have gotten away with a lot of shit with them
Kelseys – the next stop off
Let’s – get a move on
More cash – needed
Eliminator – on the cards
Sash – unsure whether he can split one just two ways
Sash – “I’m not gonna lie I am a bit waved”
Translation – I am absolutely battered
Ollie Warwick – spotted spanking Jede at pool
Winning margin – 5 balls
Jede – disrespected
Rav – bottling POP
Krish – bottling POP
Joe – bottling POP
Disappointment – everywhere
Owen – not drinking the whole night
We – don’t do that here m8
Rugby lads –come and invade our spot at Kelseys
Omkar – chatting shit saying he could take everyone in cricket in a fight
To be fair – I am not saying he couldn’t
Nevertheless – he is a knob
Bus time – get the sesh
Jabzy – very keen to introduce a lot of the fresh to a dragon soup
Dragon soup – a brightly coloured 8% energy drink
Caffeine – 175mg, for reference that is the equivalent to 4 average cups of coffee
Lads (mostly fresh at this point) – are divided up into groups
Rugby guys – seen spewing all over the road by bus stop before getting in an uber
Bus – still a fucking 20 minute wait away
Fresher Harry – pissing all over a building in plain sight making him a prime target for arrest
Essex – deciding to go behind the church
Essex – not a holy man
Fresher cumshot – letting everyone know that after visiting him last week his gf is now very sore
Dragon soup – introduced and handed out to the teams to smash before the bus comes
Taste – not disastrous
MT – making his team down their cans to show everyone they’re alpha males
Alpha males – synonym for virgins
Health issues – serious
Back in Kelseys – Thai prostitutes enter and start eyeing up some of the lads
Where is – CalGal when you need him?
Back to the bus stop – the bus has arrived
Everyone – upstairs
Driver – says he is perfectly ok with the incoming megamix
Interestingly enough – others decide to join UWMCC on the top deck
An – audience
Rugby League – amongst the few
Jabzy – keeping the eager singers at bay until out of Leam
Finally – at the roundabout
Standard megamix – blasted out
Verses – actually sung correctly much to Jabzy and Essex’s joy
Fresher cumshot – After becoming an ‘alpha male’ starts talking about girls in rouge bar “I dare them to get off my bellend”
A touch – of class
Ridge – at this point chatting more unreasonable shit
Cumshot – “Odds on someone skeng him in the face”
Cumshot – also suggesting an acid attack on the fellow clubmen
Songs rattled off:

Dancing Gemes
Choppy Lawes
Mezza you’re the one

Some real – classics
Sash – desperate for another dragon soup
MT – brown nosing Fresher Ollie for his ability to wack pints
MT – also launching drink cans all around the fucking bus
Rugby league – trying to interrupt our singing and acting like knobheads until they realise we are not rugby union
Quote – “we thought you were union cunts but now we know you’re cricket you’re alright”
Thank you – for your meaningless seal of approval
Arriving at the bus interchange – everyone desperate for a piss and to cut some shapes
Front left – locked down easily
POP – very empty with no real queue for any of the bars
Hockey wankers – still everywhere unfortunately
Sash and Jabzy – working on club relations with women’s hockey
Fresher Eitan – turning up completely spangled with no top on
Fresher Archie – throwing cumshot around like a puppet with multiple casualties
Fouxy – “apparently the muppet dress helps to pull”
Jabzy – “yeah so I have heard”
Fouxy – “I fucking hope it works tonight”
Freshers – all on absolutely unreal form
The club’s future – still looks bright despite the efforts of the current exec to kill it
VKs – the choice of drink after the dirt of K cider and dragon soup
Sash – realising that hardly any of his year are out
Jabzy – helps distract him with a couple rounds of VKs
Fresher Archie – has a pre planned chop that he is ready to pounce at
Fresher Tom – finally where he belongs with the boys front left
Fouxy – probably having a threesome at this point
Hockey social sec – seen spewing all over the bus
Sash and Jabzy – yell abuse before Jabzy realises its one of his good mates
Smell – uninviting
Club meal – successful despite some flakes early on
Freshers – actually a bunch of decent blokes going against everything the club has ever stood for
Thursday – will no doubt be a tough one

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