Mexico. French Alps. Yorkshire. The UWMCC have been adventurous this holiday, searching far and wide, desperate in their pursuit of the holy trinity: sun, sea and syphilis. But one location has been vacant, waiting for the return of chunder crystal covered floors, Disco Dave and the 2-time CMD champions. Whilst many left mince pies and brandy for Santa, UWMCC clubmen left out pints of purple. Whilst many cut various shapes on NYE, UWMCC clubmen thought only of one shape… the shape that made every university week worthwhile. And whilst many looked forward to returning to university, only one date stood out in the mind of the UWMCC: the 11th of January. It marked the return. The return of sesh. The return of CR2. The return… of Circle.

“Shitting titty fuck”
Bexson – “I love it when Tasty fucks up a shot so I can see which expletive he goes for”
Golf – obviously not going Tasty’s way
Larkins – losing his regular cool as he too sends one into a tree
Bexson – not moody for once after putting together a decent round
Larkins and Tasty – minds obviously distracted by the excitement of impending sesh
Meanwhile (2pm) – Dan begins getting ready for circle, with high hopes of making it to the 6pm Exec meeting on time
Dirty Duck – the chosen meeting place
U1 – slowly filling with seshhounds, ready for the night ahead
Bexson – arriving early at the Duck alongside Tasty
Bexson to Tasty – “bets on who will be last to meeting”
Tasty – “Dan without a doubt”
Bexson – “Nah, I’ve given him so much warning there is no way he will be late today”
Exec – slowly filtering in, Stilo making his first appearance of the year
Dan – noticeably absent
J$ – “he still has 5 minutes, he may make it on time”
6pm – comes and goes
Dan (via text) – “Shades has caused me to be late. I’m 10 minutes out
30 mins later – Dan finally graces us with his presence
Shades – allegedly being surrounded by 4 police cars, causing the roads to be shut down
Exec meeting – standard with rumours of injury for certain members, making the half marathon an issue
Bozza – suggesting ideas for the club video
Tasty – “could we do one of those subliminal message things when we have flashes of other clips in the middle of all the cricketing stuff. For example, me windmilling in between clips of people batting”
Exec – behind the idea (perhaps)
Adolf Bozza – shutting it down
Exec – making their way over to T-bar for PCP
Clobber – making a circle appearance to celebrate his birthday
Gujar – making his first appearance of the year, after having his SU ban finally lifted
PCP – large from early on, signalling a big circle
Turner – designated table bitch boy
Millman – using Turner to get in and therefore becoming the bitches bitch
Dan – heavily scrutinised for being a genuine wetbag after looking through his Instagram page
Hashtags – include #christmasmagic and “wish you were always here” #onlyjustabit
Clobber, Stilo and Larkins – given gamble pot control
Millman – Once again circling on squash after being told that he now can’t drink until Easter
Millman’s 2nd year – really fucking sober
Tasty – hopeful that with two table helpers, he can secure enough tables for a large circle
50% – the proportion of tables provided that had working legs
SU – absolute rentboys
Architectural degrees – deserved by the 3 table men, creating a 6-table circle using various objects around the room to prop up tables
Bexson – “Tasty, who helped you with tables this week”
Tasty – “Turner and Millman”
Bexson – “never again”
Turner and Millman – unfairly slated
Adil to Murphy – “I was initially quite apprehensive but now I’m well up for it”
Dan – “Tasty I need an extra chair”
Larkins to Dan – “why 2?”
Dan – “one is for sitting and the other is for throwing”
Atmosphere – building
Purple – poured
Volleyball – offering us a working table
UWMCC – graciously accepting
Proof – that building interclub relations works
Joe – “will be funny when she expects us to return the favour in a few weeks time and we tell her to get fucked”
Tasty – “I would rate it so highly if she’s fucked us and has given us a broken table”
Table – thankfully intact
MOTW – nominations are plentiful
Hall – nominated for NYE/NYD antics. After having a heavy one and having a comfy night sleeping on his mates floor, Jonny embarks on a journey to Watford with his dad and neighbours to see them play the mighty Spurs. After taking a 4-1 battering (come on the spurs), Jonny starts to realise that he is more hungover that he initially thought. After being struck by a barrage of nausea, Jonny pleads with his Dad to open a window but to no avail. Jonny unloads all over the car to the horror of his neighbours who were in the back with him. On the plus side, at least he managed to control his bowels
Tasty – nominated for featuring on the Tab. After being approached by a Tab columnist mid chirpse, Tasty in a panic agrees to feature in the upcoming New Years resolution article, despite not have one. “Why don’t you drink less” suggested Tasty’s chirpse. Realising this was unrealistic, he decides to instead set his resolution as “to drink more”. Lad
Bozza – nominated for being a wet blanket. There exists many momentous occasions in the world, but none more momentous than the fabled 6-month anniversary. Having reached this stepping stone with his Juan, they decided, like many couples, to immortalise the moment. A ring? No A necklace? No A padlock? Nailed it. Attached to the Leamington bridge, their love will be forever remembered (until they take all the locks off because the bridge gets too heavy). On a side note, he fucked up the date and had to correct it with marker… whopper
Gujar – nominated so that he can finally receive punishment for his nomination in Term 1 Week 1 (smashing the window of a car after sports ball and getting banned)
Bozza and Guj – closely contested with calls for a wack-off
Consensus – That Bozza would clean Guj in a pint race
Wack-off – abandoned
Bozza – MOTW
Bozza – taking 5 minutes to get the dress on, when asked why, he replies “because I’m fucking retarded”
Dan – doubling for being late to yet another exec meeting
Clobber – doubling for his birthday
Tasty and Larkins – wacking for losing the golf
Purple – flowing once again
New game – 20+1
Gamble – Murphy – Mexican Wack-off
Ballo – taking his time with his pint, having become a purple connoisseur over the holidays
Ballo – deciding the vintage is a little suspect but sending it nonetheless
Guj – the eventual loser and having to double
Guj – grimacing
Tasty – “welcome back Guj”
20+1 – a solid start, Joe losing and enforcing Table Wacking
Adit – stiches Adil and starts celebrating Adil wacking, not realising he is on Adil’s table
Adit – fucking moron
New rule – 10 and to my right swapped, as are 20 and to my left
Rule – starting to cause pints to flow
Probert – definitely improved wack speed, sending his pint with ruthless efficiency before introducing multiple of 4 being pornstars
Porn – obviously more of a strong category for some than others
Table wacking – already starting to have an effect on some, Adil in particular
New game – Duck Duck Moose
Gamble – Dan – Dan Lewis Instagram challenge
DLI challenge – requires Dan to take an Instagram selfie with the entirety of circle with at least 5 hashtags with reference to missing his girlfriend and wishing she was at circle with him
Tasty – getting it out and managing to sneak a bollock into the photo
Dan – only managing 3 hashtags but being let off
UWMCC – told that they weren’t allowed to pick on usual suspects Millman and Merriman
Races – competitive at first until Millman is selected
Millman – predictably choosing Merriman as the only man he can beat
Merriman – awooahhhhhh
Merriman – looking carefully for a victim, noticing Dan not paying attention
Merriman – taking Dan apart in the race
Chants – justice for Merriman
Roachy – the only man to lose a race twice
Merriman – by proxy faster than Roach
New game – Tinderrr
Gamble – Ballo – The New Years Resolution
Tasty – suspecting this could be bad for him
UWMCC – aiding Tasty with his resolution by giving him a 1 minute challenge
1 minute challenge – to take place at the start of 2nd
Tinder – standard
Guj –“go left, go left”
Guj – warned that if he goes left, he shall be wackink
Guj – going left and matching, wacking regardless
Super like round – finally getting a match
Ballo and Adil – long lost lovers
Super likes – laying the foundations of Adil’s demise

1st Recess

Tasty – seen vigorously pouring pints in prep for his challenge
Red sofas – packed with UWMCC thanks to Golf not circling
1 minute challenge – Tasty seeing off 3 despite calls for 5
Tasty – unable to decide whether to keep it in or vom, eventually selecting option 2
Larkins – temporarily taking over in Tasty’s absence
Super Gamble – the honour given to the birthday boy
Clobber – picking out the W.M.D
W.M.D – giving the wielder the power to make any number of people drinking at any point do a 1-minute challenge
Clobber – smug
New game – Danny William PLD
2 minutes – the allotted game time per game
New rule – any pussying out due to being too far behind to be punished with a double
Game 1 – Larkins et al vs. Merrimen and his merry men
Larkins – shlotting cups for fun, taking a 4-1 victory
Game 2 – Choppy and the lads vs. Roach, Aneesh and others
Game 2 – a real shit performance, with which the likes of Phil Taylor and Van Gerwen would be appalled
Choppy – taking a 1-0 victory after 2 minutes of throwing cups
Final round – Bexson vs. Bozza (and the others)
Team Bozza – taking a comfortable 6-2 victory with 5 in a row
Clobber – calling in his WMD for the losing team (Bex, J$, Tim and Joe) and those selected thanks to Team Bozza’s nominations
Bexson – making headway into his pints before departing for the bogs
Toilet chunder – much it coming from the stomachs of the UWMCC
New game – ICICN
Gamble – Choppy Lawson Story Time
Gamble – essentially having Choppy sit on Dan’s lap for the rest of session and creating a wacking chain between them
ICICN – starting off fairly boring with cricket based stuff (biased I know)
Dan – ICICN sandwich variants that Kinners would enjoy
Murphy – claimed on 16
Murphy – expecting ham to be on Dinners’ list, sadly wrong
Murphy – trying Masala fish and being successful
Sandwiches – eventually too much for Murphy, failing with chicken tikka after guessing 10
Jezza – ICIC perform variants of the dab
Adit – claimed on 5, finishing off with a class coin toss dab
Jezza – wacking
New game – Heads or Tails
Gamble – Banned from SU gamble
Guj and Hall – having to gamble
Hall – pulling out the EFL score predictor
Guj – pulling out the double vodka buca and nominate
Hall – guessing 1-2, score actually being 1-0
Guj – nominating Bozza to join him
Guj – not quite understanding the concept of the double vodka buca, foregoing the lemonade and having a triple spirit shot to do
Bozza – looking uncomfortable after seeing his off
Heads or Tails – sending remaining pints
Bexson – going for Tails everytime due to being too lazy to stand
Bexson – thankfully losing 2/3 times

2nd Recess

Tasty – once again aggravated by the purple poured into the gamble pot
New game – Cricket
Gamble – Too close to call
Bozza and Larkins – selected to race
Bozza – still not feeling well post double vodka buca
Majority – backing Larkins and rightly so
Roachy – with 6 to nominate
Marcus – showing a lack of numerical skills, losing multiple times
Adil – showing real ability to block out, going for a single everytime regardless of whether it was a multiple of 4, 5 or 6
UWMCC – all out for 77
Everyone – wacking for a sub-100 score
New game – 1 Fat Frog
Gambles – by this point unreadable due to purple saturation
Tasty – declaring that a Fresh 1 minute had been pulled out
Freshers – set a target of 12
Cheeky – managing a suspect 4 pints
Target – achieved
1FF – uneventful until… enter Adil Patel
Merriman – “To my left, 1”
Probert – “Fat”
Ballo – “Frog”
Choppy – “Jumped”
Adil – “Claim”
Tasty – “Adil, that’s not the right game mate”
Adil – insistent, “claim, I claim Choppy”
Tasty – “still the wrong game mate, 1 more go or you’re doubling”
Adil – finally realising that ICICN isn’t being played, gives it another go, this time adopting the mantra of ‘If in doubt, block it out’ and playing a forward defensive
Tasty – in literal hysterics along Nick Hill, telling Adil we’re not playing cricket either
Roach – being a snake, tries to convince Adil that we are playing Cricket
Roach to Adil – “mate it’s a 4”
Adil – after giving Roachy a thumbs up and saying thanks, signals a 4
Choppy – cant control himself
Tasty – makes Adil double
Adil – finishes the 1st and then sits down
Tasty – “you need to double”
Adit – “ohh did Choppy get all 11?”
Tasty – “11 what?”
Adil – “I claimed Choppy on 11, did he get them?”
Tasty – fighting back tears, makes Adil finish his pint before sending him for a break
Choppy – giving Adil and almighty smack on the arse
The wrath of choppy – so strong that it left Adil unable to sit down
Joe – meanwhile decides to hurl a pint at a passing Hockey bloke
Joe – instead nails the ladies social sec (and Tasty’s housemate) in the face
Joe – seemingly starting a trend with mis-throwing things and ending up fucking himself over
1FF – ended but eternalised thanks to Adil Patel
New game – Speed 20+1
Gamble – Bozza
Bozza – allowed to make up his gamble, ‘getting a golden ticket’
Speed 20+1 – ending with inevitable chair throwing
Chants – We Won CMD finally coming out
Ladies hockey – once again joining us in rejoicing
Circle – adjourned


Megamix – gun, many references to Bozza and his undying love for the Juan and Leaminton Bridge coming out
Front of POP – locked down
Disco Dave – looking forward to the return of Big Jon
Murphy – pleading with Disco Dave for some Craig David
Stilo – also hopeful
Stilo and J$ – having a heated debate about the musical structure of Crazy in Love by Beyonce
J$ – its definitely 6/8
Stilo – well you’re clearly wrong, its 4/4
Stilo – obviously correct
J$ – supposedly a grade 8 trumpeter
J$ – a grade 8 fraud
Hall – video calling Tasty despite being 3 steps away from him
Hall and Stilo – exchanging 20 minutes worth of YouTube cricketing incidents, Bruvi Khumar, Derek Underwood and Andre Russell, all involved
Hall – “imagine getting this first ball of an ODI. I’d retire there and then”
Tasty – informing Turner than Miss Sparkle had called him cute in his leotard during CMD
Turner – taking this to mean he had free reign to pounce, interrupts Sparkle whilst she is in deep emotional conversation with Ted Crowson and proceeds to chirpse
Turner – sadly unsuccessful
Joe – wingmanning Tasty with a girl he had been trying to get away from, stitching him and then announcing “aren’t I just the best wingman ever”
Bexson – having a domestic free night, proving that distance must make the heart grow fonder
Adil to Dan – “when I’m drunk, I’m a compulsive liar. I got with a girl last term and told her my name was Aaron”
Aaron Patel – getting stitched as the same girl magically appears and he struggles to remember what name he told her”
Adil- eventually remembering it and gets with her again
NU1 – disappointingly uneventful
Adil – managing to make it to his 3pm Metrics double lecture
Adil to Dan – I felt so rough this morning but then I got some Kale inside me and it did the trick”
PWC money – should go towards a magic Kale supply for the boys and their hangovers
Adil – “I’ll be ready for circle again next week”
Question is… will circle by ready for Adil?

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