Early meet time – set as meet and greet was booked from 5:30 in T-bar
Bus – unerringly quiet considering the madness that was to follow
UWMCCSWC – elected with Choppy, Ferdi and Tasty in charge of creating some new songs for the year
Clubmen – assembling in T-Bar, ready to meet the fresh who seemed pretty keen at sports fair
Meet & Greet – gun turn out with around 70 fresh keen to jump on the seshwagon
UWMCC – unprepared with only ten week 1 spares
The lucky fresh – included freshers Owen, Ollie, Ben, Sasha, Adam, Harry, Sanjay, Jono and Rav
Exec – sending multiple other fresh to Randall for spares despite knowing that there were none left
Randall – not a miracle worker and disappointing the masses
Fresh – buying up plenty of future circle tickets with large turnouts expected
Free drinks – essentially corrupting exec members
Fresher Ollie – selected as table bitch for week 1
Brief – basically a tables, ladders and chairs match between social secs
Randall – “I will hit a girl”
Fresher Ollie – rolling his sleeves up, not knowing what he’s got himself in for
Hockey – Still massive whoppers, deciding to bring 12 ‘social secs’ for the table off
SU – kimming all CR2 circles, only leaving 8 tables for the whole of upstairs circle
Randall – sneaking into store cupboards aplenty to secure more before being rumbled by the new bouncer team but not before fresher Ollie had set up a healthy circle
CR2 – slowly filling up with hungry seshmen and women alike
Fresh – under instruction to buy the mystical purple concoction
Circle – building, with more seats required for a big week 1 turn out
Banging – beginning
Fresh – nervous
The rest – itching to get going
Reports – registering a 9.2 magnitude on the Richter scale
The corner – now occupied by the mischievous duo of Choppy and Big Tasty
Ant and Dec – also in charge of the gamble pot
Muppet of the week nominations – too many to remember
Little Choppy Lawson – nominated for general Kasbah antics; after sending a pint at the front of Kasbah, Choppy decides to toss his pint cup high in the air before serving it into a Coventry bint with sheer ferocity. Witnesses included some UWMCC members and the big bouncer standing directly behind the unsuspecting Chopster. Upon turning round, Choppy decides to crouch into a ball in an unsuccessful attempt to evade the bouncer through the crowd resulting in an early exit for the little man.
Timmo – also nominated for an incident relating to Kasbah whoppery. After a heavy pres at Ballo’s, the lads decided enough was enough and Ubers were ordered. Sitting in the front of the car and making shit chat to Abdul, Ballo catches a nasty whiff from behind and turns to see a struggling Timmo, complete with a pool of chunder on his shoulder. Quickly cottoning on, Choppy tells Tim not to let the driver see. Tim, in a moment of complete muppetry, decides to wipe off the sick onto the floor of the car and peg it as soon as he is let out resulting in a hefty £45 charge the next day. Fool.
Ballo – continuing to not sort his shit out, Ballo forgot to apply for student finance for this academic year and now he is fucked.
Randall – after a heavy sports ball last year, Randall and Tasty are roaming around the venue searching for cricket boys. With Basshunter playing in the background, Randall sees a disabled member of the University roll past in a wheelchair. He turns to Tasty, and completely out of time of the music quotes Ed Sheeran’s Thinking out Loud, chanting “When your legs don’t work like they used to before” slightly too loudly. Twat.
Tasty (a few days before circle) – “You know what lads, I haven’t done anything bad over summer to warrant any muppet of the week nominations”
Tasty – receives 5 separate nominations, each worthy of the MOTW dress individually
Tasty – has now got some sort of agenda against Choppy, throwing a large wooden table at him after a Kasbah night out and nailing him. Prior to this, Tasty has been greeted by Choppy at the urinals. Eager to chat to his mate, an overexcited Tasty turns his whole body to talk to Chops, not realising that he is still pissing and completely covering Choppy in the process.
Tasty – also nominated for calling Nish ‘Ghandi’ repeatedly on a night out during their respective summer interns.
Finally – After being asked what circle looks like by an unsuspecting Mrs Temby, Tasty decides to show his mum a picture taken by Dan Lewis during a gamble last year. Unbeknown to Tasty, he is standing in the middle of the picture of circle with his bollocks out, completely horrifying his mum in the process. See ya.
Outcome – wack off between Tasty and Choppy
Winner – Tasty
Justice – none
Choppy – donning the new skin tight, leopard print dress from Oxfam

Gamble (Roche) – The Donald Trump Tweet #maga
DTT#maga – Roche has to send a message to his most recently chirpsed girl, asking if he can send her with great fire and fury
Response – a completely parring “ahh x”
Chirpse – over
Roche – back to square one
Fresher Harry – doesn’t Rooty look like Joe Root??
New Game – 20+1
Rules – being frantically explained to freshers in order to not stitch them up
Randall – eyeing up poor fresher Rav sitting next to Merriman
The Express – gaining a reputation for stitching poor freshers
Circle – starting off excellently, sending the first couple of rounds with ease
Table Wacking – introduced alongside 1-10 reversed
Struggles – beginning
Adit – deciding to voluntarily wack, kimming his whole table, including a fresh
Adit – now doubling
Other rule – 20 is the name of a fresher
20 – not reached again
Gamble (Murphy) – Fresh 1 min Challenge
Target – set at a generous 20 for their first week
Freshers Ollie and Sasha – sending 3 pints
Fresh – surpassing their target by 2, a promising start
Fresh – definitely kimming themselves for next week
New Game – Cricket
Eyebrows – raised
Concept – a slightly more sober UWMCC will be able to explain the game better to fresh
Reality – Randall still struggling with his times tables
Score – regularly unknown
Merriman – regularly stitching his fresh
Randall – regularly stitching himself
Fresher Sasha – nailing 60 to great applause
All out – 110
Gamble (Ballo) – Freshers FA Cup
Freshers – looking worried
FA Cup – to be completed at the start of 3rd
New Game – Black Black White
Freshers – seeking help with the rules
UWMCC – under strict instruction to not tell the fresh how to work out the code
UWMCC – cracking the code very quickly
Freshers – struggling with the code
Fresher Harry – “Blue…?”
Fresher Harry – not got the concept of Black Black White
Fresher Owen – counting the stripes on Randall’s tie
Randall’s tie – nothing to do with the code
Fresher Ben – “Black Black Black”
Glances – aimed at Curtis
Racial Tension – high


Tasty – Skyping Brebbo on his birthday down under
Brebbo – missing the sesh
Kinners – avoiding the camera, still under investigation for the squash incident
Freshers – shocked that there are two more sessions
Murphy – cornering a fresh
Murphy – into his 3rd year of being unbearable, achieving an impressive 77% in unbearableness last year

2nd Session
Kinners – bailing many clubmen out this week by virtue of his guest list
Kinners – given 7 to nominate for being a hero
Curtis – targeted
Nick Hill and Adit – also receiving pints from the magic man himself
Rooty – “I can never tell the difference between those two”
Rooty – still at fucking uni
Super gamble (Turner) – Cov Indoor Captain
Turner – Congrats from all the exec for taking the job that no one wants
Chattle – catches Tasty’s eye
Chattle – “you want some?”
Tasty – stands
Back a winner – Tasty sends chattle and banishes the ghost of last year
New Game – Premier League Darts
PLD – a real spectacle with a plethora of close encounters
Notable perfomances – Team Mihir schlotting not 3, but 6 in a row
Mihir – setting the standard for the year to come
Team Roche – awful
Fresher Owen – nailing Randall with his cup
Freshers – opting for the overarm technique… stupid stupid fresh
Gamble (Bozza) – Stuttafuliza
Stuttafuliza – after being made famous by the great Dr Pastor Martin SSempa [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17C_9TXgAms], certain UWMCC members can be heard screaming the word Stuttafuliza which, seemingly, has no meaning. The gamble would involve captain Bozza going into a downstairs circle and scream STUTTAFULIZA while Kinners filmed
Evidence – awaited
Dr Pastor Martin SSempa – not given the green light for cricket ball by the SU
New Game – Duck Duck Moose
Inth – returning from half a year out
Speed – retained
Stamina – lost
Fresher Adam – challenging Turner… stupid stupid fresh
Merriman – hiding under the table with no Millman in sight
Clubmen – speed generally impressive
Fresh – promising
Gamble (Fresher Ben) – Ben Stokes Punch
Fresher Ben – brave
BSP – a concoction of Jager, vod and bucca
Fresher Ben – regretting the risk before the looming FA Cup
Punch – sent with aplomb
Fresher Ben – sent
Game – ICICN
ICICN – uneventful due to many casualties to circle at this point
Fresher Harry – sending a claiming Mihir on England’s ashes squad for the upcoming series
Mihir – get fucked
Probert – ICICN one member of England’s ashes squad this year
Probert – wacking
ICICN – one freshers name at circle
Randall – a controversial inclusion


Fresher Ben – “Am I allowed water at recess”
Roche – “no”
Fresher Ben – “but I saw someone else…”
Roche – “no water.”
Adit – stranded on the sofa as someone has stolen his crutches
Many members – attempting to see who can hop the furthest on the purple drenched floor
Adithya – discovering a hidden pole vault crossed with long jump talent
Purple – sold out upstairs
SU barmen – incompetent and new to Wednesday night madness
VK’s – being snuck into circle
Pints – being purchased in rouge bar for the FA Cup
Fresh – shocked at the state of the toilets
New bouncer team – shocked at the state of the fresh

3rd Session
Fresh FA Cup – 10 eager fresh
5 – mouth-watering match ups
Winner – stays on
1st round – as expected, with seeded freshers Sasha, Ben, Owen and Ollie cruising through
Giant killing – any
Fresher Jono – also making it through a tricky away tie
Fresher Jono – in a world of trouble
Fresher Jono – kamikaze approach costing his place in next round
Semis – some large match ups
Fresher Ollie – causing some stir as its revealed his surname is Warwick
Fresher Sasha – looking like one of the current Manchester teams, bulldozing his way past the smaller teams. Also pioneer womens cricketer Sofia’s brother.
Fresher Ben – coming from the same grassroots as Tasty himself, the ex-Bancroft boy having much to live up to
Fresher Owen – somewhat of a dark horse, despite being backed by many due to his athletic drinking stature
The crowd – baying for some fresh blood
2nd round – Fresher Sasha sends Fresher Ben while Fresher Owen takes a narrow win over Fresher Ollie
The losers – forgotten
The winners – a chance to write their name in history
Back a winner – causing a real split in the camp, with slightly more backing Fresher Owen as questions over Fresher Sasha’s stamina
Final – A very close game, but Fresher Sasha comes out on top
Fresher Sasha – a visibly broken man but being paraded around circle by Randall
Fresher Owen – head in hands, unknown whether through disappointment or current state
Fresher Sasha – given 10 to nominate and aiming straight for his haters who backed against him
Gamble (Nish) – Big Tasty Belly Button Challenge
Tasty – shirt pre-unbuttoned
Nish – eyeing up the hairy darb
Darb – certainly still prominent
Nish – caressing the darb, in some sort of gesture to the darb gods before sinking straight in with the motorboat technique
Bouncers – “its 9:30, time to pack up”
Circle – shocked
Negotiations – underway
Kinners – runs downstairs to neo-nazi Duncan’s office
Kinners – refused entry due to unrecognisable speed
Kinners – managing to delay the stupid bouncers early pack up by 20 mins
Circle – nearly non-existent at this point
New game – Heads or Tails
HoT – unpopular due to higher chance of drinking
HoT – claiming some last few victims
The hardcore – calling for one more game
Gamble (Ballo) – nominate magic roundabout
The corner – jubilant
Ballo – nominating Choppy and Tasty
MR – uneventful
New game – One Fat Frog
1FF – essentially played in a large micro circle
Circle – done
Bouncer – telling Adit that he has to go downstairs
Adit – again, trying to explain that someone has stolen his crutches and that he can’t move
Roche – spotted trying to crutch downstairs and failing
Fresher Sanjay – “that was so much fun, thanks”
Murphy – “the night has only just begun”
Fresher Sanjay – striking a concerned look

Meggamix – new and streamlined
Chicago – cast away… for now
Jerusalem – inserted
Meggamix – huge
Rouge Bar – doesn’t know what has hit them
Fresh – knowing some of the words
Jerusalem – large and patriotic, descending into a rowdy mosh-pit of barmy army
Cries – “To Pop!”
UWMCC – mauling their way to front left and kicking mixed netball out of the way
Front left – locked down
Choppy – immediately balancing a pint on his head
Freshers – mesmerised
Disco Dave – tweet raped by UWMCC #wengerout
Fresher Owen – apparently owner of an incredible twitter account
Probert – unrecognisable due to new short hair cut
Randall – buying all the fresh VK’s
Fresh – not as grateful as expected
Smoking area – greatly enlarged
Fresh – learning the fine art of hat stealing
Stupid Bint – stacks it trying to recover her slutty cat ears
Bint – Athletics social sec
Randall – “I can only apologise”
Bint – “for what”
Randall – “dicking you in CMD”
Club Relations – taking an early hit
Nish – pulling
Nish’s Pull – explaining that they met at the Taj Mahal
Bullshit – smelt
Reality – a rouge bar special
Timmo – going round the whole of pop, showing off his jacket
Timmo – “I’m on the exec”
Girls – not interested
Rumours – Fresher Ben receiving a handy J at the front of pop
Little Tasty? – unconfirmed
Bus – Fucked
Bus – over 40 mins late
UWMCC – piling into ubers
Viallis – saved from brink of bankruptcy with large orders for the less darb conscious members
UWMCC – back once again

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