Neon – host to some loose behaviour the night before Cricket Ball. Highlights include Bradshaw’s chat being so poor as to make a girl cry, Nish passing out on the wack shack floor and Larkins running away from a girl and hiding in the toilets. Rumours of Moose going back with the same girl later on.
Gladstone – texting Larkins in the morning, Larkins deciding he was going to be a great bloke from his use of the abbreviated ‘pls’ when asking for the postcode
Gladstone – indeed, a great bloke
Old boys – getting on it on the train up
Liddle – later informing Larkins that the carriage was basically solely cricketers getting on it and Portsmouth fans… also getting on it
Reynard – dyeing moustaches in his house before CB
Movember – thankfully, almost over, the sketchy moustaches will only be around for a bit longer
Hammond’s mansion house – host to pres
Booclark – rocking up with his cracking smile
Danny, Liddle – well on their way
Khatri – meeting the bearer of his AS legacy, Nish
Rooty, Larkins, Boeen – reminiscing about Barbados
Millman – celebrating his birthday with CB. Any of a birthday wack?
Rooty – his year out not at all helping his shit chat
Chatshaw – tutoring services required. Also getting away with being blazerless and wearing chinos… maybe we should have paid for security
Larkins – distributing sesh vouchers
Sesh voucher black market – instantly forming
Teds, Rooty – leading the peloton to Victoria House
Gladstone – rocking up to Victoria House, instantly asking for a pint of bitter
Gladstone – indeed, a great bloke
Victoria House – doing a gun job with the table set up
Everyone – migrating from the bar to the main hall
Starters – gun. Larkins swapping his vegetable soup with Gladstone after incorrectly guessing that he would be a pate man
Gujar – not knowing what pate was, thinking he had ordered a pasty
Gujar – later asking James Harris for the correct way of eating a Yorkshire pudding
Salmon – alas, lacking
Main course – also gun
Yeti – conveniently sat in Dan Hughes’ empty seat by the time the brownies came out, having quickly sent his own one
Kraus – introducing Gladstone before his speech
Gladstone’s speech – revealing that Beefy Botham’s Ashes winning five-for was gash compared to his own, the latter playing through an injury picked up while fishing. Cries of whaling/Cooper/salmon from the crowd. Cracking jokes about his lack of neck. Finding out about our tour to Barbados, offering to ask after us in the local constabulary in Holetown. Not at all opposed to the developments of T20 and inventiveness in the game, obviously briefed by Kraus about the #newbrand. Botham a massive seshman, predictably. Apparently chopping for fun during the Miss Adelaide pageant on a tour of Australia.
Q&A – Day/night test cricket? All for it, anything to generate interest in test cricket. Franchise T20 cricket in England? Absolutely. T20 season gash and spread out over too long a period. KP a cunt? Of course, although Gladstone controversially claiming that KP would still walk right into the England team. Biggest cock in the England team? Ambiguous. Joel Garner once replying to the question of whether he was built in proportion, “if I was I’d be ten foot two”. Cooper keen to know whom in the England team chopped the largest ladies, apparently quality over quantity back then. Bishop disagreeing. Thoughts on the ECB changing the rules on the toss? Supportive of it, not allowing the home side to make pitched that only suit their bowlers. Should Mohammed Amir be allowed to play cricket again? No. Get fucked. Matty Howe asking who the worst girl Gladstone had slept with, and why. Cue raucous cries of “WHY” from the already sent crowd. Gladstone replying very diplomatically, although suggesting it was a New Zealander. Adeel, after much anticipation, asking how the hell Saj Mahmood played for England. Gladstone pretty clueless.
Speech – gun
Dinner – winding down, clubmen heading to the bar for some liquid dessert
Baldwin – wacking off with “Larkins”, winner yet to be established
Cooper – sent, running through the streets of Leamington with cars whizzing by dangerously closely
Gujar – of course, heading to Smack
Howard – rumours of being spotted outside Rio’s, distraught to find out it closed
Bus – UWMCC occupying the entire top deck
Megamix – everywhere we go, Angels, I Want It That Way. Always great fun on a bus
Skool Dayz – ambushed by a massive group of tuxedoed cricketers
Cooper – reportedly starting a mass brawl, although a Chandi right hook undoubtedly a catalytic factor
Bradshaw – managing not to make anyone cry or gob on anyone
Swanton and Hall – going into Vialli’s and getting chips, binning them after two chips
Hall – on the bus to campus the next day for 3/4s, threatening to vom
Hall – digging out his helmet, looking to vom into the helmet (“I need a new helmet anyway”)
Yeti – frantically wacking his water to Hall could use the Robinson’s bottle instead
Yeti – offering his inners gloves bag despite it having holes in
Hall – much ado about nothing, his stomach eventually settling so he could resume living boringly

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