Barbados Daily Updates

Day 1: Gun flight, so many movies and Bradshaw sending a 3 year old girl only for Larkins to drop kick her as well. Beach is within a 15 mile radius of our hotel so great planning by Gullivers Sec! Warm, warm and more warm. Roasting even more than in Prague. Rogue karaoke street party with a lot of county cricketers from Hampshire, Warwickshire and Nottinghamshire. Cooper sent (shock) and ruining any fruitful relationship we might have with any of them. Also good to see the vast majority of our coaches getting on it for once (where is Spiro?!). Nottinghamshire accepting a boat race challenge but bottling it late on, couldn’t handle the speed of our seshmen. Larkins attempting to steal a county cricketer’s chirpse but failing due to apparent high standards on her behalf. A lot of rum. Moose failing to find the toilet yet again, any of a nappy? Off to our first game now with Mr Jewson as captain ‪#‎prayforrain‬‬‬

Day 2: First game against the Banks Brewery XI (actually the Banks Brewery VIII), rocked up to find a rock solid pitch that looked like it would seriously bounce (which caused Jake to have a bowel situation similar to Yeti and Hall). Jewson won the toss and put them into bat, Mekaeel and AH opened up in a decent spell, restricting the batsmen and the former taking a couple of wickets. However this brought the Sussex 2s player (possibly related to Chris Jordan?!) to the crease who took a liking to Bowen and Larkins mainly to score a cultured 76 before falling to a combination of those two from a Moose style back of a length ball. They accelerated towards the end with a couple of power hitters, including a huge 80+ metre six that cleared a 3 storey pavilion to post 212 ao off 28.
Our batsmen were strangely optimistic that a chase was possible and we sent out Sittampalam and Nish to open up. Jake fell in the second over to a decent delivery which sent his middle stump cartwheeling back, described by the scorer as “clean bowled”. In came Cooper who had a decent partnership with Nish before Nish became the first victim in a hat trick along with Howe and Jewson getting golden ducks, the latter being an absolutely plum LBW. After the openers were taken off, the bowling quality deteriorated rapidly to dirty spin however Cooper and Bexson batted nicely, with the former getting past 50 and the latter falling on 40. A couple of lusty blows followed from the tail but we were still 40 runs short, a promising performance to start the tour.
Notable events throughout the day include Rooty using shaving foam as a deodorant, Jewson throwing a strop at being given out LBW by Jaimin and Mekaeel asking Jewson not to bowl his last over because the big hitter was on strike. The evening was more of a cultured one with UWMCC loving the volume of rum in drinks and taking advantage of some half price happy hours before heading home ahead of the biggest game on tour.
DoD: Cooper for previous night antics; including wife-desiring, having to be dragged away from Trotty before getting back to the room, stripping down to just his boxers (and holding a towel?!) before climbing into bed with Mekaeel and attempting to spoon him.
Moment of the day: Nish bowling a delivery in his cap by accident (which proceeded to fall off onto the pitch) that bounced 3 times before the batsman walked halfway down and dispatched it for six over his head.

Day 3: The ‘Gun XI’ (emphasis on the inverted commas) captained by the Moose, left with high hopes of a strong performance and possible upset. This quickly disintegrated upon seeing the opposition (Combermere School – one of the best cricket schools on the island) warming up and looking like they would take it seriously.
Moose decided to bowl first on a surprisingly soft pitch, which would later be a very good decision as judged by our batting performance. After their gun opener tracked Rooty and despatched him twice over his head in a row, the umpire/their coach decided it was pointless for them to just hit us for boundaries so asked them to just look to rotate the strike. Rooty in fairness hit back and cleaned both openers up a couple overs later in a decent spell of bowling to leave them 2 down after 10 overs. It went downhill from there with batsmen praying on loose deliveries (Moose seemingly unable to pitch the ball in his first spell) and a poor fielding display that left the captain exasperated so they finished 257-7 off 35. Our only highlight was Rooty taking 5 wickets, and doing samba dances after each one.
Their seamers then bowled with good pace and bounce to leave our batsmen struggling to get runs therefore turning to off spin early due to our incapabilities with the bat. Our innings was summed up with only 2 people having a strike rate over 50 as we failed to hit gaps and spent a lot of time patting balls back to the bowler. We limped along to 97 all out off 34 overs in a performance that was far from gun and very few positives apart from Bowen describing Nish’s batting as sober (he had a strike rate of less than 10).
Evening entertainment consisted of rum, rum and more rum as UWMCC took a liking to the local specialities on the so called Barbadian strip near the capital of Bridgetown. Luckily the form of certain members returned after a boring Monday with Dave Slayden making a fine return to action. Highlights of his night include vomming on the poolside after returning to the hotel, going sleep walking at half 6 after shouting “Sophie any, sake Moose” and having his wallet stolen only to be given back his cards after failing to produce money from an ATM (even in his seshed state he managed to purposefully enter the wrong pin). Nish telling Moose he could chirpse any girl he wanted about 3 seconds after an unattractive german girl had sacked him off but turned saviour later on when Sittampalam was trying to find Charlie in the toilets, ensuring that he managed to come home unscathed. Bexson vomming out of the taxi and being thanked by the taxi driver as it would have been difficult to clean up. Ollie Carter sending plants everywhere at the bar. Nish’s other half, Jaimin taking over the sober mantle, any of them both getting on it?
DoD – Jake for revealing his deep ambitions of becoming a house husband, the CMD brainwashing has gone to another level apparently.
Moment of the day – Getting a reggae minibus to the strip, as we managed to fit 19 people into a minibus that only had 9 seats with Moose and Rooty having to have their heads outside the window at various points.

Day 4: Our first t20 night game so the day was spent at the beach with far too much English skin on show. Various activities took place with our diving catching in the sea far more impressive than out on the cricket field. Moose taking the catch of the century but getting cramp after the dive and struggling to make it back out of the water. Rooty enjoying a Barry John on facetime. Kimmer deciding facebook’s location services weren’t up to scratch. Cooper deciding to attract sharks by bleeding into the sea with the vast majority of the touring party on a pontoon about 50m out from the beach. This resulted in Bradshaw rapidly grabbing his flotation device and flapping his way back to shore. Sittampalam losing his sunglasses after being sold a dummy by Bradshaw and jumping off the pontoon trying to catch the rugby ball. Unfortunately our beach day was cut short by the various burns amongst the tourists and we trudged back to the hotel in an attempt to hide from the sun and rest before the night game. A huge (and very aggressive) game of Moose ball in the pool followed our return with Moose often coming out victorious despite having various people (mostly Bexson) attempting to hold him down.
We arrived at the ground about an hour and a half before play started and filled the time by playing football with a few local children and trying to teach them touch rugby. Eventually when play got going at about 7pm, it was already pitch black and the tomato (Barclay) decided to bowl first and restrict the opposition. Clayden and Rooty opened up with the former bowling with good pace and bounce to keep their openers in check and the latter being robbed of a wicket due to tour inability to catch yet again. The bowling was in general a high standard and although both their openers passed 50, we kept their run rate down to a reasonable level. Notable good bowling performances in the middle overs from Larkins and Ollie Carter despite very questionable field positions at times from the Barclay. Clayds finished the innings well taking a deserved wicket and the opposition finished on 158-3 off 20, giving us some hope of a heroic chase.
Barclay and Haque opened up to face a rapid left arm seamer who didn’t believe in bowling it in the batsman’s half. Barclay coped well with the barrage and managed to hit the only full ball down the ground for a lovely straight drive. Haque departed in the 4th over to the amusement of the very overseshed Bradshaw and Sittampalam who couldn’t stop rolling on the floor laughing. Jaimin joined el capitan and built a decent foundation to the innings before Barclay departing lead to a typical UWMCC middle order collapse with Howe getting a second consecutive golden duck. In came Slayden (it was past 8:30pm) who pinged their bowlers in impressive fashion and together with Jaimin got our total up to an impressive 135, only 23 runs short. Bowen fuming while scoring and sending abuse at Narayanan for not signalling. A decent performance all round and hopefully something to build on for the next few games.
Our crowd included an American family who had never heard about cricket before and Cooper and Rooty spent a lot of our innings explaining the game to them so the Dad bought us a crate of beers (literally in a crate) even though it was basically a competition between them to see who could sleep with his daughter.
Sober watch – Narayanan returning to form by only drinking water with claims that he went too hard the previous night yet only having 2 drinks all night in the club.
DoD – Slayden for his antics last night. A couple more details came to light as after vomming on the poolside due to him and Narayanan having a nightcap after getting back, he tried to clean it up with his whites before then sending a glass into the pool and pushing Narayanan in fully clothed to get it.
Moment of the day – Rooty returned at the death to be greeted with a massive shot over long off and the batsman holding the pose walking all the way down the pitch, past the umpire and most of the way down Rooty’s run up to suggest he wears a helmet while bowling.

Day 5: New day, another match. Under the captaincy of the Wetshaw, UWMCC chose to bat for the first time on tour despite the pitch having the consistency of a sticky toffee pudding. Our innings started poorly as cooper was unable to play a regulation delivery and snicked off before Jaimin and Adeel fell in quick succession to leave us looking at a very early finish. Woody, feeling fresh after the delicious goat stew last night, and Rooty built a decent partnership with some attractive shots but unfortunately they both couldn’t capitalise on their starts. They had a heated moment halfway through this when they were both standing in the middle of the pitch debating a run which nearly resulted in Rooty being run out. The very angry northerner approached the Dom with intent and used eye gouge but it wasn’t very effective. In came Bradshaw and deadbat Jewson who was constantly jibbed by the opposition keeper and slip for not hitting the ball hard enough. They managed to push the score just above a hundred before unsurprisingly we collapsed with one bowler taking the last 5 wickets for only 2 runs mainly thanks to the pitch which resembled popcorn in a microwave. Despite our score of 106, Bradshaw was confident that our bowlers might be able to cause an upset.
This ridiculous sounding prophecy actually looked it might shockingly come true after Clayds and Moose tore through their top order to have them 17-4. Clayds yet again bowled with good pace and they both used the very helpful pitch to their advantage with some snorting deliveries that even Denne would struggle to face. A change of bowling was needed due to the heat which resulted in an early wicket for Root. The number 7 then took a liking to him and decided to ping him all round the ground including into the pavilion. Captain imaginative tried all matter of things to break the partnership that was taking the winnable game away from us by bowling Clayds, Moose and Root with the same field, just changing ends. After the inspirational team talk at drinks, Clayds broke the partnership to give us hope however then proceeded to throw the ball for 5 wides and halfway down the round back to Holetown. Moose being sent from slip to long on to slip in 3 consecutive balls, Bradshaw clearly looking out for his fitness. Unfortunately their number 7 took them home to win by 4 wickets and we were left with wondering what may have been. Rumours of the pitch being used as a drop in at leam to give Moose a chance of taking some wickets this season.
We trudged back to the hotel looking forward to drown our sorrows with the prospect of the best nightclub in Barbados in the evening. A slightly later than usual meal ate into our pre drinks, but Sittampalam still managed to be overseshed from his two beers. A couple rounds of fill the cup and 20+1 gave us a solid base to start our sesh run. Surprisingly a group of soberites actually managed to get on it for once, not sure what the club is coming to. We left with high expectations of a gun night with our megamix on the bus providing an inspirational start despite a very ropey Chicago (any of a social sec teaching freshers what Chicago is?!). Pop fever hit the UWMCC members and we occupied front and centre of the d floor throwing rogue shapes everywhere. Locals shocked by the scenes especially a full on bundle on the stage which lead to Haque and Bradshaw squashed. UWMCC members slobbering over the dancers on stage. Freddie Larkins was out in full force, initially starting on the tourists before moving onto locals, all unfortunately in vain due to the worst lid in history. Not even Bexson’s great chat could help him satisfy that craving of playing in the v. Cooper beating denne’s record of time spent to chop ratio by spending approximately 4 hours, 28 mins and 21 seconds with a single girl to not even get her name or number. Nish, Adeel and Moose tried a rotation tactic on a group of 3 but unsurprisingly not interested was the returned verdict. Wood being pick pocketed Clobber style. The welsh dragon was out in force, flames everywhere. Nish – sober yet again, claiming to be drinking rum lemonade yet turning out to be water.
A loose night came to an abrupt end after the security which had been circling for the last half an hour kicked out a very overseshed Bradshaw. Freddie Larkins doing a front flip into the pool at 4am, Cooper threatening and then attempting to jump off the balcony after being locked him out. Bexson’s suggestion of leave him and just shut the curtains unfortunately not agreeing with No Sesh Nish’s morals. Bradshaw a disgrace, not being able to walk so needing Moose and Bexson to drag him to bed. Somehow building up some more energy to roll around the floor in his room, sending all the cricket bags before proceeding to flood the bathroom and passing out in it.
DoD – Bradshaw beating Jake after their oversesh at the t20 cricket.
Moment of the day – non striker fist bumping Clayden after he bowled the number 3 to take his second wicket in 2 balls.

Day 6
: Rest day. Many clubmen, especially Bradshaw, appreciative of this time to recover after a heavy night. Unfortunately by far the worst weather on tour so not even worth going to the beach due to threat of rain. Entertaining games of Moose ball and pool cricket being played at the hotel. We travelled to a fish festival in the far south of the island for dinner, having to take an hour and a half bus. Bradshaw being pathetic and getting off the bus half an hour in to try to throw up, ending up going back to the hotel because he couldn’t cope. Some say it was down to his fear of a seafood dinner.
Once we arrived, UWMCC members quickly took advantage of the 4 beers for 10 dollars deal and brightened the mood after the bus journey. Our local guide arrived about half an hour later after having taken the sober clubman back to the hotel and arranged our table at the best local fish stall. The owner was a hilarious local who revealed the secret in Barbados that more beers mean more runs, no wonder we have been getting such low scores. The fish dishes were outstanding and there was a unanimous agreement that it was our best meal of the tour. Jaymo sacking off his wife on their honeymoon twice to come have beers with us, any of Spiro? Post dinner activities were short and sweet with many clubmen feeling the effects of the previous night. Sittampalam once again chose CMD over cricket as he engaged in a dance off against a local. There was a definite differing in styles which meant a victor was tough to choose however Sittampalam took a narrow win. Half a worm from Larkins was enough to draw another local to the stage who then proceeded to throw the most outrageous shapes possible and Sittampalam conceding defeat after the first round. Adeel twice chirpsing a group of American girls on spring break of a questionable age, asking them to come watch us play this weekend. We returned to the hotel to watch Guptill ping the Windies around and decided that there was no point watching what was not going to be a close game.
DoD – Bradshaw, see yesterdays post for night out actions.
Moment of the day – UWMCC taking to the stage to amuse the locals with our ropey shapes.

Day 7: Unfortunately due to heavy overnight rain, our match had to be cancelled so we trudged off to the beach instead to watch the finale of the six nations. Moose bonding with the local police force over the poor Windies death bowling. Despite the atmosphere at the beach sports bar, we unsurprisingly left slightly disheartened with many ‘what ifs’ being thrown about. Bradshaw unable to enjoy the beach and sat in the shade due to his sunburn from two days earlier.
As it was Jack Jewson’s birthday at midnight we decided to get a takeaway pizza to celebrate his darb before pre drinking to go out in Holetown. Oversesh was the theme of the night. Yet again we ran into Jaymo who spent more time with UWMCC than his one, better clubman than some current members perhaps. Jewson, having been bought so many drinks for his birthday, having to leave the bar at 2am. Matty finding him passed out outside Bradshaw’s room who unsurprisingly showed no form yet again. After a heavy crane operation, Howe managed to direct Jewson towards his room, along the way promising he wouldn’t vom. What proceeded can only be described as an explosion which started at the door and ended up in the kitchen sink a good 10 metres away. Jewson was unhappy with the state of his shirt so decided to try wash that in the shower before passing out half on his bed with his trousers only half off. A couple fellow clubmen felt sorry for him when they returned so decided to add some artwork in the form of toothpaste and pen. Jewson snoring so loudly that Moose had to put a sock over his mouth/nose in an attempt to get to sleep. Jewson then waking up at 7, asking Moose why he had Ori Source all over and being unable to go to the toilet so standing naked in the room, exec circle all over again. Clayden not being able to cope with the smell so having to go and sleep in Cooper and Root’s bed.
Freddie Larkins was out again. It started with teabagging Rooty at pre drinks (which he doesn’t even remember), then on the way home, ripping his shirt in an attempt to vault a fence and find a front garden for the night. Lucky escape considering what fences have done in the past to clubmen. He then had to be fished out from the pool twice by the security guard, before the guard gave up and just drove off. Freddie decided his teabagging adventures weren’t over and proceeded to claim more victims in Sittampalam and the fresh in his room. Moose making friends with some county cricketers after accusing them of chirpsing on some rotters (not from him), before being asked to perform a similar role to Meechum for Francis and Claire with some locals. On his return, he decided that Barclay’s shoe should be used to try to wake up the overseshed owner. After a good number of attempts, Barclay arises to try to fight Moose but instead flops on him before claiming “I knew it was you”. Adeel and Moose combining to put Jake’s bed in the kitchen before folding all his stuff on it and folding it in half. Cooper being molested by a monkey on the way home but claiming he wanted it to happen.
DoD – Bradshaw for not making it out to the fish festival, he has a lot of rum shots to catch up on.
Moment of the day – Going to the first bar to celebrate Jewson’s birthday and getting a pop playlist played by the DJ.

Day 8: A very hungover touring party turned up to one the most picturesque grounds that we have ever played. Under the guidance of our captain Sittampalam, we practised our twirls and plies in the warm up, much to the amusement of the locals. The opposition chose to bat first on a pitch that was very similar to a stretch of the M25. Their openers started well, with one in particular taking liking to Hickmott, as he reached his 50 off 22 deliveries. Credit to Nish as well who bowled a tight spell at the start and was unlucky not to get an early wicket as a slog sweep just cleared deep mid wicket. Despite their quick start, we managed to restrict them well in the middle overs thanks to bowling from Bexson and Wood (thought they were batsmen?!). Bexson got rid of the more dangerous opener for a quick 71 to reduce their scoring rate for a few overs. We struggled to take wickets due to the quality of both the pitch and the batsmen although surprisingly the rate didn’t get too out of hand. They opened up their shoulders at the end to post 228 off 30 overs, with the other opener finishing 100*. Well batted sir. We should have restricted them to less as catching the ball again proved a difficulty however on the other hand, our ground fielding was actually adequate.
Bradshaw and Sittumpalumpa started the chase in impressive fashion with some lovely shots through the covers and over the bowler’s head, actually keeping us up with the run rate in the first ten overs. Bradshaw then walked to a LBW off a 12 year to bring Carter to the crease. A decent third wicket partnership gave us a glimmer of hope, scoring runs at crucial times when it seemed like we were being bogged down. We needed 120 off the last 15 overs to win which was doable on such a flat pitch. Jewson decided that scoring 14 off 59 balls would help achieve this target after Jake departed for an impressive 31 (it didn’t). A huge celebration went up as Jewson chipped it back to the bowler to bring in the ‘Power Hitter’ Moose (very much in inverted commas). Rooty helpfully pointed out that employing this tactic would either work or it wouldn’t…and it turned out not to as Moose decided to try take on the longest boundary and was caught inches inside (any). Nish was the next man in and rotated the strike well but we lacked that #onebigover to really get us in the game. Bexson trying to clear the boundary with a massive wind up slog sleep yet still getting caught in the ring. We unfortunately fell 28 short in a very winnable match and are quickly becoming the new international chokers.
We went for a gun club meal in the evening on the beach to cap off a lovely birthday (yet again) for Jewson. Bexson decided beer was too taxing on the body so opted for a Watermelon Martini, shaken not stirred. We found yet another happy hour to take advantage of before some of us headed off to the standard Sunday night street party in Holetown. Relatively uneventful time from those that attended the street party, only real highlight being found and accosted yet again by some county cricketers (do they actually play cricket). Pretty sober evening due to the previous night, I am sure Larkins will look to dominate some more headlines in the coming week.
DoD – Jewson for bday night antics
Moment of the day – eating next to the sea, hearing/seeing the waves crashing into the rocks just below us.

Day 9: First organised activity of the tour being an Island Tour (unsure why this wasn’t at the start). We started in Holetown and made our way north along the coast where we passed the location of the first English vessel that landed in Barbados in 1628. Some exquisite beaches and huge yachts were the main scenery as we travelled up the west coast before turning inland and heading to the most north point of the island. Here we encountered the famous Animal Flower Caves. They were a set of caves facing north that had been naturally eroded by the waves from the Atlantic Ocean crashing into the rock. Inside we saw some rocks that had been shaped by the waves to look like animals such as a frog, a lizard and an upside down turtle. Matty did things in public last seen in Pop over a year ago when he encountered the animal flowers which close to protect themselves when they feel vibrations in the water near them. After the geographical experience ended we took advantage of the natural infinity swimming pool in the cave that looked out into the Atlantic Ocean. The only slightly disappointing this was the promise of seeing whales but they were too shy to come and say hello. Bradshaw got a bit too excited as he left as he got to touch his second set of boobs (rocks formed like them on the steps up) and we all left in good spirits after an enjoyable start to the tour. We were then treated to some sublime views on the way down to the east side of the island, as the north part of the island is higher and much hillier than the rest. After a quick stop for lunch where we had the Bajan special, we continued our venture down the east coast, slightly intimidated by size of the waves coming from the Atlantic. The afternoon was less eventful than the morning with some of the worst chat possible coming from the two tour guides at the front. I would have been happier listening to Rooty’s chat all day if I am honest.
Luckily it finished around 3 and we had some time to chill before heading out to dinner. Our evening activities were based around beers and cricket. Some of the group headed off to the sports bar on the beach to enjoy more of an atmosphere where as others preferred to stay in and watch it at the hotel. Shame that the rain forced South Africa off when it did and it also acted as a perfect time to call it a night as play didn’t look like it was going to resume – something that I know a few people regretted the next day.

Day 10: Our second night t20 game so we all headed into the centre of Bridgetown for some shopping and beach hunting. Our search for Barbados stash lead us to the ‘Cricket Legends’ store outside the Kensington Oval which greatly appreciated the deep pockets of some clubmen, Bexson disappointed that the only pink wife beater was in a small woman’s size. We then headed off to Browns beach which turned out to be the home of all American spring breakers. About half the touring party fell victim to paying extortionate amounts for jet skis, especially expensive for Adeel as he clogged their engine with seaweed so had to spend 10 minutes removing it all. Yet again UWMCC members showed off their impressive slip fielding in the sea, begging the question why it is so impossible to catch the ball on land. Unfortunately our day at the gun beach was ended too early with many darbs rumbling and we needed to get back to Holetown for the t20 later on. Food sec Sittampalam sourced a great meal from a local shack of a marlin, cheese and fried egg roll…get Sicilians to give that man a job!
We departed for the t20 with high hopes after our driver described the opposition as ‘very average’. A rogue warm up was stopped quickly after an overseshed Root was unnecessarily smashing the ball between two fielders with no chance of them stopping it. Captain Cooper chose to bowl first on a decent pitch, backing our bowlers to restrict them. This is exactly what happened at the top with Hickmott bowling a good opening spell from the bottom and Moose steaming in with express pace at the top for an over. Nish was brought on early and bowled with very good consistency, taking a wicket as well as forcing a lot of dot balls and frustrating the batsmen. In fairness they were some of the lower quality that we had faced on tour but we did well not to give them bad deliveries they could punish. A fairly innocuous middle over period where we were generally on top meant we were in a strong position going into the last 5 overs of their innings with them about 70-3 after 15. Again we were impressive with the ball, conceding very few boundaries despite them going into all out hitting mode (and some people running away from the ball!) to ensure they only got to 100 off their 20 overs.
What do you do when you only need 5 an over to win a t20 game? Send out the big hitters at the top and finish it quickly? In true English fashion we decided that was not the tactic to impose so instead sent the brick wall (Jack Jewson) to continue his fine form of blocking out for the draw. More or equal to a quarter of our innings was spent with him on strike for less than or equal to 8 runs. Barclay looked like he could single handedly get us close to victory with a brisk 20 before getting out in an idiotic manner yet again. When Jewson finally managed to remove himself from the field of play (literally walked out of the other side of the ground), captain disgrace was alongside Bexson and hope was restored. We struggled to rotate the strike of their gash off spin and Bexson fell after a period of pressure was built up to bring the self-proclaimed finisher to the crease (Bradshaw). A decent partnership was formed with some good running between the wickets and punishing the bad deliveries. We were in a good position, only needing 34 off of the last 5 overs and wickets in hand but then a headsgone moment with Bradshaw being run out after hitting the ball straight at cover and attempting to run derailed our attempts. Jake lasted a total of one ball so Adeel purposefully strode in at number 7 with dreams of big headlines in the daily updates. We reduced the rate to 6 an over off off the last 4 before nightmare struck with the floodlights not having enough meter time and cutting out. A delay of 10 minutes stopped the momentum we had built up however with 3 overs to go, we still only needed 15. The 18th over only went for one run as Adeel struggled with the darting off spinner before losing his wicket in the penultimate ball to bring Nish and his high strike rate to the crease. 14 needed off two with the 19th over being bowled by their only good bowler (seamer who got a bit of extra bounce). 14 off 12 quickly became 14 off 9 with Cooper flailing outside the off stump and unable to get bat on ball. A few scrambled singles meant that we still had a chance and needed 11 off of the last over. The bowler in question was even more of a part timer than Moose and had a penchant for bowling full tosses. Despite bowling two of them to start at a perfect height, Cooper only managed to score 4 runs off them to leave us needing 7 from 4, still very doable. 2 singles in 2 balls left us with 5 from 2 and UWMCC praying of a Grant Elliot esque miracle. A well scampered two left the captain only needing 3 off the final ball to deliver greatness. However after some terrible sportsmanship from the bowler who twice pulled out of the delivery, Cooper yorked himself and was stumped to leave us agonisingly 2 runs short of a maiden tour victory. An extremely disappointing end to what was the best chance to win a game so we disgruntledly trudged back to the hotel and went our separate ways whilst mulling over the evening’s events. UWMCC tourists = chronic bottlers.
Yet more sober behaviour (good from us) leading to no DoD for the second day in a row.
Moment of the day – Having a picture taken outside the stash store by tourists because they thought one day we might play cricket professionally, great jibe from them.

Day 11: Our penultimate day on tour signified our last match under the captaincy of Rooty. What followed was one of the most tragic performances possible. On what looked like a good pitch with short boundaries square, Rooty decided to bat first in a 35 over game (ludicrous decision). Son of kimmer took the responsibility upon himself as captain and strode out with the man infamous for sending plants. The first ball from their opener hopped off a length and the touring party watching on realised that we may be struggling to bat our overs (how right they were). Rooty did well to punish a couple of shorter deliveries before their left arm seamer removed him with a good inswinging delivery that left him stuck on the crease and trapped leg before. In came Barclay (with Lloyds ringing in his ears) who as usual looked to be positive and hit some glorious front foot drives off some decent quality seamers. Carter was sent back to the dressing room before too long as he struggled to hit a straight one to bring Adeel to the crease to join Barclay. After 10 overs we were actually in a good position being 51-2 but it would need a big performance from one of the main batsmen to ensure we posted a competitive total. This didn’t happen. Barclay tried one drive too many and Adeel chipped the ball to mid-wicket in quick succession that brought in two new batsmen (Jake and Clayden) before they both departed without adding many to the total. Jaimin initially provided some counter punch from number 8 before cutting one in the air to a fielder and then the lower order decided they were going to be as non-existent as the Italy defence in the second half against Wales. We were 90 ao off 22 overs, our lowest score of the tour and the worst batting performance to go along with it.
A very long team talk from the captain followed before we went out to bowl, describing in great detail how we had a chance to win the game. Betting was taking place on the side as to how many overs we were going to last in the field, consensus being less than 15. First plan of action was to get Clayds to bowl quick and short which their openers absolutely loved and played some very attractive back foot shots to get them off to a flyer. The mystery spin of the Welsh dragon (the mystery being we didn’t realise he bowled spin) opened up the other end and actually bowled some good deliveries but lacked the consistency needed and his bad deliveries ended up disappearing to give him figures that didn’t truly reflect his bowling. Rooty tried various bowlers to try make a break through and actually get into the game which eventually happened as their opener inexplicably missed a straight one from Ollie Carter with about 25 to win. A highly amusing over from Jaimin with him falling over twice in a row in his delivery stride and not being able to bowl the ball, much to the enjoyment of the crowd and the camera. Rooty brought himself on to try add to that already impressive wickets tally for the tour but instead found himself again being pinged over his head as the batsmen decided they had somewhere else to be quickly. They chased our total in 10.1 overs without ever breaking a sweat in a very disheartening way to end a tour where we certainly didn’t disgrace ourselves in many of the matches. There were a lot of positive individual performances throughout the two weeks and I’m certainly looking forward to them transferring it to BUCS games. A cricketing assassination followed lead by Bradshaw with everyone putting forward ideas about how to improve for the upcoming season.
Our chosen venue for the evening was Harbour Lights which was located on the same beach that we visited the day before. We paid beforehand for dinner and free drinks all night that we certainly took advantage of by having a circle in our own private area. All the clubmen loving the fact that drinks were only given to us in half pint glasses although Bradshaw still tried to only fill up his halfway. Jewson yet again came out of retirement to be Mr Chair for the evening but his old age seems to have affected his memory as he thought he was Denne and decided to play 20+1 for an hour. Moose was appointed as vice chair with his main job of inventing the gambles leading to people very nervously volunteering. Highlights being Nish having to do a wack on stage while the band was playing and a GB&I wack off. A tour version of ICIN followed 20+1 but didn’t stop Cooper from attempting a typical badger claim like the true whopper he is. Jewson calling the end to first session after that before asking Howe and Moose what other games we play at circle during recess. Bexson not being able to cope with being targeted by the 3rd years and vomming twice in first recess. The tourists actually using their imagination and making people wack to more than just 1,2…shows that there are other songs we can use. Harbour Lights acting similar to the SU and trying to shut down our circle earlier than we wanted so only had a short second session which consisted of one fat frog and Sherwin ball. Mostly arranged wacking so people could get sent before hitting that sandy d floor. A double Mexican wack off to end a thoroughly entertaining circle that set up the night perfectly.
UWMCC members rushed to the stage to ensure we yet again dominated whatever d floor we want. A lot of older women with darbs to rival Yeti all wanting their picture taken with us, clubmen unsure how to react to a lot of female attention. Cooper continuing his form established in Rios post cricket ball. Nish picking a pair of American women to chirpse, neither of them showing any kind of interest, at any point. Moose and Adeel fighting yet again over women, Adeel unsurprisingly admitting defeat but Moose ruining his chance after being pissed off with her friend and calling her out quite aggressively for being the most boring person ever. Adeel unhappy with his loss so deciding to use the stage as a toilet. Dom Wood chirpsing a couple, if only he was in Moose’s position earlier on in the week he would be a lot richer. Wood in a moral dilemma after the boyfriend goes to get a drink whether to take the girl but deciding against it despite his claims of definitely being able to if he wanted. Hickmott thinking a banks bottle was champagne and attempting to spray it everywhere before doing a roly poly and ending up with a lot of sand in his hair and Malibu pineapple in his face. Moose, Mekaeel and Root having to drag Cooper away while he was waiting for his burger at the end of the night as the taxi was threatening to leave. Howe being overseshed and voming in the sand multiple times. Larkins vomming out of a taxi window before voming all over his bed and passing out in it, leaving the rest of his room attempting to clear it up while he remained blissfully unaware. Moose being true to himself upon returning to the hotel, refusing to watch the India Australia semi without sound before sending things all over the room. Howe taking refuge in Moose’s bed but Moose deciding that it was better to fall asleep with Slayden rather than sleep in Howe’s empty bed.
DoD – Adeel for ruining his jet skiing time by driving through seaweed
Moment of the day – The confusion on Jaimin’s face as he falls over twice trying to bowl his first ball on tour.

Days 12 and 13: Best day ever. A lot of still drunk clubmen surprisingly managed to make the very early pickup time of 8:45 for our catamaran cruise. We arrived on the boat and quickly ruined the day for the family and two couples that were on the same catamaran. We left the Bridgetown port around 10am and made our way back towards Browns beach for first activity of the day, snorkelling. The first stop was for us to swim with turtles which didn’t disappoint as they were very comfortable around humans and swam so close that you could touch them. We then moved on to two wrecks that had sunk pretty close to shore which gave us the opportunity to look at them in great detail. An amazing start to the cruise although some clubmen were too overseshed from the previous night and unable to get into the water (Nish falling asleep inside). After our snorkelling endeavours the catamaran headed north up the west coast and moored outside the famous Sandy Lane for lunch. A typical Bajan meal was served on the boat and we continued to take advantage of the free bar before indulging in a spot of swimming post lunch. Larkins attempting to do a back flip off the boat provided us with a lot of entertainment for about half an hour by just flopping backwards and landing flush on his back before he proclaimed that it was impossible. Bexson being a show off (wait till the night out) doing it first time to leave Larkins looking even more foolish. Cooper needing a float to go into the sea and started panicking whenever anyone threatened to take it off him. The catamaran then started its voyage back to Bridgetown, the DJ on the boat finally getting into his rhythm with a feel good playlist that got everyone turning the deck into the dance floor. A very sad moment when we realised that we actually had to get off the boat but it had been such an amazing experience and we were left wondering why we didn’t just do that every day.
A final night in Sugar seemed like the perfect way to end the tour so after doing separate things for dinner we congregated in the bar area of the hotel for pre drinks. Jewson received his present for organising tour (gullivers rep wasn’t there to take it so he accepted it on their behalf) and we spent most of the time recollecting on our favourite memories of the previous two weeks. Cooper being very sent and mistakenly telling Moose that he felt “awestruck to play with him” (he is going to regret that comment in a big way). Sugar was enjoyable but unfortunately didn’t reach the heights of the previous week perhaps due to people going too hard the day before. Bexson splashing the cash like a moron and spending 250 dollars on a bottle of Veuve Clicquot but being very generous with sharing it. Cooper daggering anything that moved as he turned into a limpet. He then went missing for 20 minutes so Root lead the search party to find him, being successful and recruiting Sittampalam to drag him back. Bowen deciding that the podium dancers weren’t up to standard so taking over and throwing shapes that only a true dragon would attempt. Bexson and Moose trying to chirpse one of the actual podium dancers, unfortunately to no success. Moose being far too seshed, punching Jewson in the face when he was only asked to back slap him before vomming over a fence outside the hotel and then all over the shower in the room. Very much regretting the second part due to the clearing up job needed in the morning.
DoD – Larkins for his vom antics the previous night
Moment of the day – having Phenomenal played on the boat as we were coming back into Bridgetown port.
ToT – Something any early punter could have predicted, with Bradshaw taking a landslide victory for his general demeanour and those 3 days in a row where he racked up DoD.
Afterword: Not enough to do a full report on final day but a couple of highlights. Jewson deciding not to tell anyone when checkout was and in fact only set his alarm to wake up at the supposed time. Virgin staff feeling sorry for Larkins having to wear the dress so giving him priority boarding. The woman deciding that Moose was the best looking bloke so giving him priority boarding as well (only other explanation is her rating the snapback). The welsh dragon buying drinks for a plane where there is a free bar, he does what he wants. Jewson seeing a neck pillow on the floor of the airport and being a povvo so taking it.
I just wanted to finish by saying a big thank you to anyone who had anything to do with organising tour/stash/fundraising, it was a fabulous 2 weeks and I know that everyone who went had an amazing time. If you are reading this debating whether to go on tour in the future, I cannot emphasise enough how much you will regret not going on an international tour as it is nothing like what you can experience elsewhere.