4s .v. UEA 1s

UEA 273-7 (50). Lawrence 95, Bailey 47. Hickmott 2-50, Atkins 2-55.

UWMCC 153-10 (43). Walker 38, Larkins 38. Shields 3-30, Jenkins 2-14.

UEA won by 120 runs.

Due to a post-exams/Mojito induced writer’s block, your writer has little choice but begin this match report with the stock opening:

Ballo’s 4XI took to Cryfield on a glorious Wednesday morning hopeful of stealing a win from the East Anglia 1s. With a plethora of bowling options but a much-weakened batting line up, the UWMCC skipper chose to field first. This was to the delight of nine-man UEA – or more specifically, their P&C, who summarily favorited our tweet.

UEA soon showed themselves to be a class batting outfit. Atkins and Hickmott opened up with a wicket each, but the opposition continued unabated. Nos. 2 and 4 built an impressive partnership, with a luckless Lawson bowling tight lines only to see aerial shots just evade fielders. After the opener was removed by a questionable gloved sweep, UEA again rebuilt impressively. Murphy and Bowen came in for some tap by no. 4, now seeing the Woodstock like a football. He eventually departed for a highly impressive 95. Ballington and Raghuveer bowled well at the death, but could not stop UEA from racking up 273 from their fifty overs. At least there were double teas to lift UWMCC’s spirits (expertly hidden until the opposition had taken the field).

A tight opening spell from UEA’s opening bowlers ensured their missing fielders were of little issue. Gemes and Probert were tested by a schwingning Woodstock, the former copping a nasty blow on the shoulder. Walker compiled an impressive 38 whilst wickets fell around him, and Larkins hung around for a significantly less glamourous 38, but the asking rate proved far too steep. Rahguveer and Hickmott’s lusty blows took UWMCC to 153 all out. A comprehensive loss to a team – however depleted – that were simply much better than us.

Now that the boring stuff is out of the way, let the character assassinations begin.

Seb Gemes.
Some choose to wash their whites the night before a game. Some choose not to wash them at all. Seb Gemes chose to wash his whites an hour before the game began. As he donned his sopping-wet trousers and top, Gemes tried to justify this clanger by pretending that his wet whites offered respite from the afternoon heat. He wasn’t fooling anyone. A laudable performance behind the stumps and a brief-but-gutsy innings were only blighted by the fact that any sharp movements were accompanied by an audible squelch.

Captain Bozza.
If the cricketing gods do indeed exist, a sure-fire way to incur their wrath is wearing black socks. That Bozza brought not just one pair of black socks, but a spare pair, has all but condemned him to cricketing purgatory. Perched at gully for the best part of twenty overs, El Capitan cut a comical figure. Crouching Bozza, hidden Dragon. Sadly the black socks and t h i c c booty were certainly not hidden. He bowled well to the right handers, but was unfortunately put off his lines by some magnificent hitting by the left-handed no. 4. The less said about his leave, the better.

Skipper Ballo did his best to juggle the 4s bowling line-up against a class UEA batting outfit. He did not do his best to help poor Elaine carry the empty tea boxes up a steep incline back to her car. Ballo managed to find time in between ham sandwiches to justify his faux pas: “she was already at her car by the time I realised I should help her”. Cue well-deserved volleys of abuse from the gallery.

The best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men often go awry. Murphy’s scheme of digging it in short against a bloke seeing it like a beach ball definitely went awry. Multiple gubs over mid-wicket and square leg brought Murphy’s spell to a premature end, but his impressive mobility in the field shaved a number of runs of UEA’s final total.

If Larkins is doing his best to pretend that he is not your archetypal, “one cerveza por favor” expat, his horrific sunburn on Wednesday screamed Brit-on-the-Costa-del-Sol. Still waiting for the burn to become an olive glaze.

Credit where credit is due – a faultless performance as a boundary rider and spells at the top and bottom of the innings brought two wickets and a few oohs and aahs from spectators. Also did well to remind Gemes that the Sideshow Bob chat was not a Gemes-original, but about ten years old.

Choppy Lawson.
Again, hard to perform a character assassination on someone who bowled and fielded pretty well. Thankfully he didn’t ask for some more when Jaimin gave him some of his Peroni in between balls. Would’ve gone straight to the little fella’s head.

Joe Atkins.
Can you slate someone for claiming about a sore side before the game and proceeding to bowl nine overs out of a possible ten? Foolhardy perhaps, but admirable at the same time. Always chirpy in the field despite being in the firing line at extra cover.

Rhys Probert.
Fielded well and was shafted by having to open up – the only criticism that comes to mind is his failure to decide whether he wants to look like Ryan Sidebottom or Hamish Marshall.

Alex Walker.
After Gemes’ wet whites and Bozza’s black socks, Walker’s garish blue trainers took a solid bronze in the ‘worst stash’ category. Didn’t stop him from scoring an impressive 38, mind you.

It was perhaps inevitable that the UEA scorer would absolutely butcher Jay’s surname. As it transpired, “Rakuvir” bowled three tight overs at the death, took a good catch to remove their gun batsmen and struck some lusty blows in a lost cause.

Deserving of a mention:

Hall and Jaimin.
Both were boozing the entire afternoon on the side lines, with the former having set off with the intention of getting “embarrassingly drunk”. He pretty much succeeded. Unbeknownst to him until a text in the morning, he had forced Chloe to participate in an apple-off before going to bed. Such a strange bloke.

Despite having declined to play for Ballo in order to study for his exams, Tasty’s promise of going back to the Grid “after one G&T” stood a snowball’s chance in hell of materialising. As the Fours toiled in the sun, Tasty spent his afternoon getting sent and chatting up Randall’s housemates. Absolute disgrace.

Excellent song selections.

We bid farewell to skipper Ballo, who has played his last game as 4XI captain.